Bobbi, where are you?

Panic attacks, anxiety, tears, screams, weight gain, hot flashes, psychotic episodes (yes, true statement) are all things I've had to deal with, along with my family, the past few months while on Clomid.  This drug is absolutely awful!  I've done a ton of research and although some women don't experience any side effects or just a couple, it seems I've experienced every possible one!  This is going to be my last month on it, which brings me to our next news.

Aaron and I have decided to go through with the IUI this month.  I've been so indecisive about it for the past couple months...going back and forth on whether it is something I wanted to do or not.  Finally, Aaron spoke for me.  He told me the truth that deep down I knew, but just didn't want to face.  We both agreed that at this point, it is really the next step for us.  Never in our wildest dreams did we think it'd come to this, but life is unpredictable and "un-perfect."

Not that the anticipation of having an IUI this week is enough, but Aaron will be finding out if he'll be asked back next year at his current teaching position.  He has an evaluation today, which is the final determining factor if the Merced County Office of Education will hand him a contract for the next school year or a pink slip.  I guess it wouldn't even be a pink slip, since there wouldn't be a "chance" that he will be asked back.  That would be it...hook, line and sinker.  Needless to say, we are on pins and needles.

There are some moments where we both feel confident about the events of this week.  Aaron sometimes has a hop to his step, a twinkle to his smile and a tone to his voice, like he's got it in the bag.  I mean, why wouldn't they ask him to come back?  They aren't combining classrooms, they aren't eliminating the position...if he was let go, someone would be replacing him.  And why would they replace the teacher that all of the students have gained to trust?  A teacher that the parents have expressed time and time again that their kids love.  A teacher that is professional and has a great working relationship with all his superiors and equals.  See, there I go again...being confident on his behalf!  But the truth of the reality is that he MAY not be asked back, and with the teacher market being the way it is, finding another teaching job may be near impossible.

And as far as the IUI goes, I've broken down in nervousness and fright, but hide it through a hopeful optimism.  I cannot allow nerves and fear to take control of my body.  I need to remain optimistic because I truly believe that stress has such a negative effect on one's body.  The chances of the IUI working aren't that great...roughly 20-25%...but "it can be done, it will be done, it shall be done," in the words of my verbose husband.