Can someone please explain something?

I think I'm confused. I say "think," because I'm not even sure if I'm confused. LOL!

My blogging friend, Michelle, at No, I'm Not Fat, Just Pregnant (who recently got to change her title from "No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat"), brought something to my attention. She had a failed IVF cycle just before my failed IVF cycle, and recently received news that her first FET attempt made her pregnant with twins, no less!!! (Congrats, again, girl!). Her RE explained that her IVF cycle was unsuccessful because her estradiol levels were too high, making her uterus too hostile for implantation.



So, naturally, that made me wonder about my levels. I stimulated a lot (more than average, I think, with 19 mature follicles retrieved). The more stimulation, the higher the E2 (estradiol) blood level. There is a direct correlation between the number of mature follicles and the amount of estrogen in the body. It's a delicate dance that the doctor has to pay close attention to, with wanting to stimulate enough to produce lots of mature eggs without rising the woman's estradiol levels to a dangerous zone

Here are my estradiol levels from my December IVF:

• 11/24 - 32.3 (after suppression with Lupron)
• 12/1 - 228 (day 4 of stims)
• 12/4 - 817 (day 7 of stims)
• 12/6 - 1,787 (day 9 of stims)
• 12/7 - 2,789 (day 10 of stims)
• 12/8 - 3,632 (day 11 of stims, the extra day of stimulation)

The night of the December 8th was my trigger shot, and my eggs were retrieved the morning of December 10th. Do any of you know if the 3,632 measurement is considered high? Is it within the normal range? Does anybody with a successful cycle remember what their levels were?

Okay, now to my confusion...

As I understand it (and I can be, and most likely am, wrong!), estrogen is important in preparing the uterine lining for successful implantation. It is the hormone necessary to make a woman's uterus ready to hold a pregnancy. Because I produced so many mature eggs and, from what I can tell, my estradiol level was solid, why was my uterine lining not very thick (8.4mm)? Don't they all go hand in hand?

That then brings me to my next question. My doctor is doubling my Estrace (estrogen) prescription (and I will be inserting one vaginally) to help make my uterine lining thicker for my FET next month. But won't that, in turn, make my estradiol level higher, which isn't necessary a good thing because a high estradiol level makes the uterus less susceptible to implantation?

As you can see, my mind is going in circles. I think I'm just questioning everything because I so badly want our FET to work. I'm an over-analyzer, over-thinker, over-researcher by nature, and throw infertility into the mix, and here I am! :)

Lots of Bumps to My Baby Bump

I know someday I'll be pregnant. In my heart of hearts, I know that someday this journey will come to an end and my baby will no longer be a dream, but a tangible reality that I can cuddle, love on and devote myself to (other than my sweetheart, Ella, of course).

All the bumps I've experienced the past 2-1/2 years will lead to the ultimate bump. The bump I yearn for. My baby bump! :)

And even though each bump to this baby bump seems to get progressively harder to endure, I know that, in the end, everything will be fine. If it's not fine, then it's not the end!

Each bump, metaphorically, is like a mountain. Standing on top of a mountain allows me to see things I would not be able to see when in a comfortable, non-challenging, pain-free life. You see, even though infertility has brought us so much pain and doubt, it has also given us the opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to so much more than we could've imagined. The bumps along the road have allowed us to become better, stronger, unstoppable. Infertility is my own personal Mt. Everest, but imagine life's view from the earth's tallest point? Catch my drift?

Have any of you heard the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns?

The song starts off with the lyrics, "She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


I used to relate to those lyrics. I used to be that girl. The Bobbi 2-1/2 years ago is not the Bobbi today. The Bobbi today is stronger, and all of that strength has come from my relationship with God.

My faith is infinitely growing, and, in turn, Aaron and Ella's faith is growing too. God is a daily part of our lives now. We talk about Him, we pray together. He has become more of a focal point in our everyday going ons, and the more I focus on Him, the more peace I feel that He sees the bigger picture and that He will provide for our family. It's absolutely amazing how God has transformed our lives through this thing called infertility.

The song ends with the lyrics, "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


God was chasing me (and still is!). So long as I live in a broken world, He will always need to chase me. But, now I am more open to hearing His calling and living a life pleasing to Him. I can honestly say if Aaron and I conceived our second child as easily as we did Ella, our relationship with God would not be as strong as it is today. God knew infertility would be a necessary means to achieving this relationship.

That doesn't mean I have wholeheartedly accepted our situation, though. I still have moments of hopelessness and even anger, but each bump along our journey has made me stronger than every yesterday. In hindsight, each bump has blessed us, not hindered us. Even though going through a failed IVF cycle has been one of the lowest points in my life, I know I serve a faithful God, and He is and will continually use the relentless beating down of infertility to transform our lives for the better.

Infertility is so, so hard. No woman should be withheld from being a mom that so desperately wants to be one. But, I think a woman that becomes a mom, after having gone through years of infertility, has something special. Something that fertile women don't have. It's this underlying beauty. Just as a near death experience may awaken somebody to see life's true beauty, infertility has awakened me to see motherhood's true beauty. My baby will bring me to my knees in the deepest, most awesome appreciation ever. My entire soul will scream with delight. My heart will seriously burst with so much love that it will hurt. Infertility has opened me up to such depths.

So, I guess all that I have left to say is...

I CAN'T WAIT! :)

Amen!

ABC - Get To Know Me!

This fun little survey has been floating around many blogs that I'm following, and I figured I'd give you all the opportunity to get to know me a little better. :)

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

(A) Age: 27

(B) Bed Size: Queen, which fits us just fine, but someday I'd love the comfort of a king-sized bed.

(C) Chore You Hate: Either dishes or laundry because both of those chores are required of me everyday!

(D) Dogs? Two. A 8-year old black lab mix, Zoe, and a 1-1/2 year old pug, Bob.

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: During the winter months, the heater is an absolutely essential part of my morning. Other than that, my toothbrush! That should be an essential item to everybody's morning.

(F) Favorite Color: All shades of pink! I'm so grateful for Aaron, who was very understanding of our wedding being very, very pink. :)

(G) Gold or Silver? White gold.

(H) Height: 5'6"

(I) Instruments You Play: I played the piano for likely 10 years, but since college, then married life and motherhood, I haven't really had a chance to keep it up.

(J) Job Title: Paralegal.

(K) Kids: Ella Corinne Johnson, who is 4 years old, and hopefully some more very, very soon.

(L) Live: Turlock, California. Right smack in the middle of the Central Valley.

(M) Mom's Name: Karen (Hi Mom!).

(N) Nicknames: Too many! But my favorites are from Aaron, who calls me Carne (as I craved Carne Asada when pregnant with Ella) and Nink (don't know where he got that from, but I love it!). Ella, subsequently, is called Little Nink. :)

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? I stayed in the hospital for a few days after my c-section.

(P) Pet Peeves: When drawers are left slightly ajar, when there are crumbs (especially coffee grinds!) on the countertop, when I wake up in the middle of the night with Aaron's elbow jabbing me (this happens every night!), food or gum smacking, the smell of cigarette smoke, stupid drivers that risk lives just to save a minute or two...to name a few. LOL!

(Q) Quote from a Movie: "You are everything I never knew I always wanted." (Fools Rush In)

(R) Right or Left Handed? I'm a righty, but Aaron and Ella are both lefties. Like father, like daughter. :)

(S) Siblings: One younger sister, Rebecca (Hi Sister!).

(T) Time You Wake Up? On weekdays, 7:00, but usually a little earlier as Ella crawls into bed with me after she hears Aaron leave for work at 6:45. On weekends, sometime between 7:00 and 8:00 (Ella-permitting!). I'm not a big fan of sleeping in, so I don't mind early mornings on weekends. Aaron on the other hand...

(U) Underwear: Just cotton Hanes Her Way undies. Nothing special.

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I'm not a big fan of peas, but vegetables are generally not a problem for me. I prefer veggies over fruit, in fact!

(W) What Makes You Run Late: Ella! It's sometimes hard to get out of the door on time with Ella, but if it wasn't for that, I've always been very punctual.

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Do dental x-rays count? :)

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Homemade mac & cheese, chicken parmesan, taco soup. Whenever I venture away from cooking my "usual" meals, they are always a success, though.

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: I always love seeing the water animals swimming around, like the seals and walruses. Oh, and monkeys! I'd say lions and tigers, but they are usually just sleeping. :)

If you made it through the whole list, I hope you enjoyed getting to know me better. Have a great weekend, everybody!

We've got the drugs and funds, but do we have the goods?

My medicine came in the mail last week. I ordered very in advance, but that's just how I roll. The total came out to a couple hundred, which didn't put as big of a dent in our savings as our first go around. Thank goodness! I'm a little weirded out about the vaginal inserts my doctor prescribed, but I guess I'll get through it. Heck, nothing can be worse than shots, especially those darn PIO ones!

The loan increase through Springstone Patient Financing was approved and the funds have been dispersed to RSC for our FET. If any of you need a loan for infertility treatment, I've had a wonderful experience with Springstone. Great customer service, prompt responses and very reasonable rates (for individuals with good credit, but that's how most loans are).

So, everything is a go! Everything is in place for next month. :)

It gives me a sense of peace knowing everything is done. I'm easily stressed (I know, not a very good quality!), so knowing that I don't have to rush in making sure I have all my medicine or I don't have to worry about my doctor not receiving the funds in time really puts my heart at ease.

Anything to put my heart at ease during a time that puts so much strain on my heart definitely helps!

So, as my title points out...we've got the drugs and funds, but do we have the goods? Even though everything is, yet again, falling into place nicely, will my body accept these embryos? Or, like last time, will my body not quite be ready for them?

These embryos deserve a shot at life, and you better believe that Aaron, Ella and I have a beautiful, wonderful life waiting for them! Now, if only those little bundles of cells, holding so much promise and joy, can burrow themselves in and stick around for 9 months and beyond (did I make you think of "Toy Story" just now? LOL!!!).

Some Serious Pug Lovin'

This post will serve as a dedication to our pug, Bob "Roberfro" Johnson, who is also known as:

• Sausage King
• Oadedewoder (said really fast)
• Helmer
• Salvage King
• Bobicon Rubicon Roy
• Velvet Ears
• Curl Tail
• John Toad (said with a French accent)

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." (Josh Billings)

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail." (Unknown)

"Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs." (Martha Scott)

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." (Andrew A.)

"One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why." (Unknown)

Indefinitely Postpone My FET

I haven't posted in awhile simply because I'm in a place. I'm sure most infertile women know this place and some might even visit often. It's the place of self-pity. A place where "Why me?" and "When will it be my turn?" are repeatedly questioned. A place where my worries, anxieties and stress outweigh my hope, determination and faith.

And even though I have the opportunity of a lifetime next month to transfer 3 beautiful blastocysts (2 of which are hatching out of their shells), I am scared out of my mind. Stress is squeezing every ounce of hope out of my being.

I am so scared to the point that I want to indefinitely postpone my FET. Seriously! I want to forever hold onto the hope those three frozen embryos give me. Once they are transferred, I have no back-up to ease my worry in case our FET doesn't work. But, right now, I have them and I don't want to lose them. I don't want my body to reject them like they did their "brother and sister." I don't want for us to go through all of this only to come out empty-handed (or should I say empty-wombed?).

I told Aaron today that maybe we should wait another month, but he is encouraging me otherwise. He told me that he doesn't think I'll every 100% be ready. And, I know he's right. I have days where I think I'm ready, but most days I'm so very scared.

Our IVF cycle and now our FET cycle have left us with a huge chunk of debt of which we are making nearly $300/month payments on...for the next 6 years! To me, though, that's a really small price to pay to make our dreams come true and make Ella a big sister, but the problem is there is no guarantee. We can do this FET, and even though my doctor said we will have a 70% go 75% chance it'll work (even better than the 66% statistic because we will be transferring three embryos), there is still that 25% to 30% chance that it won't work! And then what? All that debt for absolutely nothing and we start from square one again, but this time, thousands and thousands of dollars poorer.

It goes without saying, but this obviously adds to the stress. Stress I wish I didn't have, but there nonetheless. Finances have a way of making any matter worse, don't they? :(

Well, I'm ovulating today, so maybe...just maybe...all of this stress will be for nothing! Wouldn't God reveal a serious sense of humor in blessing us with a baby right now? So, like I've said time and time again...I can't help but try because when you want something so bad, you're willing to do the impossible.

Happily Surprised with FET Success Rates

I was checking out RSC's website to see if there was an update on 2010 success rates, and I was happily surprised.

As you can see in the graph below, in 2010, a little over 50% of all fresh IVF cycles in my age group resulted in pregnancy.

IVF and ICSI Cycles Using Fresh Embryos

Age of Women	<35	35-37	38-40	41-42
Retrievals	201	131	129	71
Transfers	188	122	112	67
Pregnancy	96	59	51	21
Percent per Retrieval	47.8%	45.0%	39.5%	29.6%
Percent per Transfer	51.1%	48.4%	45.5%	31.3%
Average # of Embryos Transferred	1.9	2.1	2.5	3.4

But, now, take a look at RSC's 2010 success rates for frozen embryo transfers. :)

Cycles Using Frozen Embryos

Thaws	91	65	71	38
Transfers	91	65	70	38
Pregnancy	60	34	34	15
Percent per Thaw	65.9%	52.3%	47.9%	39.5%
Percent per Transfer	65.9%	52.3%	48.6%	39.5%
Average # of Embryos Transferred	1.8	1.8	2.0	2.0

I had no idea the FET success rates were so much higher, but I'll take it! You better believe I'll take it!

Maybe the FET success rates are higher because only the absolute best embryos are frozen?

Maybe the FET success rates are higher because the body isn't going through so much? I remember being in quite a bit of discomfort/pain from my egg retrieval for my transfer. And I had a 5-day transfer! I can't imagine having gone in for a 3-day transfer. I was so bloated that my "innie" bellybutton was halfway to becoming an "outie." It was awful! I don't know if my experience was unordinary or what. Maybe it was because I had so many eggs retrieved? I mean, I had 32 follicles in all that Dr. Weckstein punctured in hopes of retrieving an egg (19 of which were mature).

Maybe the FET success rates are higher because the "errors" made with the fresh IVF cycle could be fixed? Dr. Weckstein has clearly told me what he wants to do differently this second time around.

I don't know what the answers are.

I just know my confidence is starting to cautiously creep back up. :)

Hump of Nerves

I'm 7 days into this cycle and becoming increasingly nervous with each passing day, knowing it's one day closer to next cycle. My FET cycle!

Other than the obvious reasons, why am I so flippin' nervous? Why can I not get over this hump of nerves to a place where I am genuinely excited? I want to be excited! I want to believe that this FET will bring Ella her sibling(s). But, I can't get over this hump. :(

I can honestly say I was not this nervous going into my fresh IVF cycle. I was so confident. I think much of that confidence stemmed from how well my body responded to the stimulation drugs. I had a ton of follicles growing at a good pace. On the day of my egg retrieval, I had 19 eggs retrieved (16 of which fertilized). All of this made me mistakingly over-confident going into my egg transfer.

I thought I had it in the bag.

I thought my body was going to follow along the same lines and respond well to the two transferred embryos. I thought my body would accept those babies and they'd snuggle into a welcoming environment for 9 months.

But, I couldn't have been more wrong.

And because of this huge blow to my self-confidence, I feel wary going into my FET.

I'm so nervous my body will reject the babies again and that I'll have to heal from another letdown. No, not letdown. That is too soft of a word. It's more like a heartbreak. Like, I literally lost two of my babies. A part of my family. A part of my life.

Lately, I've been really trying to remain optimistic. The mind is a powerful tool and I'm trying to use it to my benefit. I'm really focusing on being mentally healthy, as well as physically and emotionally.

As an attempt to get more physically fit before the transfer, I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. And, believe it or not, Ella does it with me every time. I just have to ignore her because if I look at her, I start laughing and lose focus. She's a riot! It's a lot of fun. :)

Emotionally, I feel more like myself! The countless drugs I was on during my IVF cycle really messed me up. And waiting for those drugs to leave my system, while coping with a failed IVF cycle, really took its toll on me. But, today, I can honestly say I feel like myself again, regardless of my nerves.

So, really...I'm feeling so much better than I was this time last month, so my only hope is that this time next month, during the early part of our FET cycle, I feel even more better. :)

This Says It All

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

This quote summarizes how I've been feeling lately. I'm getting more nervous and anxious as our FET approaches, mostly because I really feel like this is our last shot. I don't have a Plan C. I don't know if we can afford a Plan C.


But, then again, how could I give up when I know it's everything I want?

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have [more] children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."


(Anonymous).

I Have A Theory

I have felt a push to look a bit into uterine lining. As you all know, my uterine lining was only measured at 8.4mm the day of the transfer. And even though anything above 8mm is acceptable, it is a "tad on the thin side," as Dr. Weckstein said. From what I can tell, an acceptable range is 8mm to 13mm, but I've read that some women have 15mm to 16mm even!

The more I looked into how important the uterine lining is for implantation, the more convinced I became that if I had a thicker uterine lining I would've had a better chance of one of those babies sticking around for 9 months!

That is why my doctor, along with most REs, say that transferring more embryos increases the chances of having multiples while not necessarily increasing the chances of getting pregnant. In other words, it is the environment that the embryos are transferred into that has a huge effect on the success of implantation. If the uterine lining is too thin or if there are other obstructions in the endometrium, like polyps or fibroids, then implantation is less likely to successfully occur for all of the embryos. Whereas, if everything is seemingly "perfect" (if there's such a thing!), then implantation is more likely to successfully occur for, again, all of the embryos transferred.

Now, I'm by no means an expert, but as I've admitted before, I am a bit of a research-o-holic. However, you should not hold me as an accountable source for information. But, from what I've read, a healthy uterine cavity does seem to play a significant role in the success of IVF.

I had a laparscopy, hysteroscopy and D&C done in May 2010 to check my endometrium (I was concerned I might've had endometriosis due to ongoing cramping from ovulation to my period), but everything checked out. :)

So, that leads me to my uterine lining. Quite frankly, I didn't even know about uterine lining until I started going in for my monitoring sonograms (where they measured my follicular growth), and they kept measuring my uterine lining. I was so concerned about the size of my follicles that I didn't pay much attention to my uterine lining at all.

However, as I recall, they did tell me it was always measuring a little on the thin side. I never thought much of it, though, because I was so concerned about my darn follicles! I didn't think it was really that important, but now I realize it is!

So, the point of this post is to tell ya'll that I have a theory. And my theory is that the uterine lining is super duper important and that I'm newly convinced the new protocol for my FET is going to be exactly what my body needs to bring us our December baby(ies). :)

Of course, all of this is according to God's Will. He can make a baby out of 0% chance of success and He can withhold a baby with 100% chance of success. I am continually praying for peace, as I know numbers mean nothing to God. Sometimes numbers just make me feel a little better in helping me tighten my grip on hope.

Misunderstood

I don't think I made myself clear in my previous post. I guess there was just so excitement behind the message that it didn't come across clearly. :)

I'm very excited for our upcoming FET, but we won't be doing it until my following cycle. Aaron and I are using this last cycle/month to still emotionally regroup for our failed IVF and to gain more strength going into our FET, which is expected to begin early March.

After reading a bunch of your comments, it made me realize I must've been misunderstood. So, my bad! :)

And, on that note, I'm going to leave you with a beautiful quote from Beth Moore,

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."

Presenting...Cycle Day 1!!!

My period started! A whoppin' 12 days late, at that! But, it's finally here!!! :)

Never thought I'd ever be so relieved to have my period arrive, but I truly am. After receiving the blood test confirmation that I wasn't pregnant, each day just dragged by, intensifying with PMS, so I'm grateful it's here.

So now, to disclose our plan of attack!

We officially decided we want to move forward with our FET next cycle, though!

My next period could will be my last period of 2011!!! :)

And, in case you are interested, my FET protocol is as follows:

• Start Estrace pills on day 2 of full flow. I will take two of them twice a day, and then insert one vaginally at night, as opposed to just taking one twice a day. Because, if you remember, my doctor wants my uterine lining to be thicker this time around, and estrogen (Estrace) is just the hormone to do that!

• 9 to 12 days after taking the Estrace pills, I will go in for an ultrasound to check my uterine lining and my all-important progesterone and estrogen levels. If everything looks good, the FET would then be scheduled for the following week. If the doctor isn't too excited about my uterine lining, the FET may be pushed back a week or so.

• Once the day for our FET is set, I will begin *gulp* the progesterone in oil (PIO) injections (yes, those are the honkin' needles that go straight into my behind!) and the tablets that I will insert vaginally. For whatever reason, the doctor thinks both forms of progesterone are necessary, so I'm going to ask why.

And lastly, here is a breakdown of the medicine required for my FET:

1. Estrace/Estradiol tablets
2. Aspirin
3. Progesterone in oil
4. Premetrium (vaginal inserts)
5. Doxycycline
6. Medrol

I still have some Estrace tablets and Aspirin leftover, but probably not enough for the entire cycle. And, unfortunately, even though I have PIO leftover, after puncture it is only good for 30 days. So, everything else will have to be purchased. I don't think we'll end up having to fork out that much, since Menopur and Follistim, the money-sucking wallet emptiers, are not required for a FET. Woo hoo!!!

So, there you have it...

Aaron and I will begin the rollercoaster all over again in early March. Are you ready? I know I am! :)