Get Your Tissue Ready

Aaron made this video for me. I have no words. I was left with tears streaming down my face after watching it. So, if you have some time, please enjoy this wonderful video filled with raw truth and heart.



(Be sure to continue watching after the song. There is more).
I can't begin to describe how this video makes me feel. It is something I will cherish forever. It is a memoir of our painful journey and a reminder of God's never-ending faithfulness.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Aaron.

Blessings

This song brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Walking through infertility brings more questions than answers, more pain than joy, more tears than smiles.



But, what if it is those unanswered questions that are God's blessings on us?

What if the pain we are enduring is only because God knows the joy that is coming?

What if all our tears are not forsaken, but instead are blessings in disguise? Each tear that has glazed our cheeks has not been in vain.

God hears every spoken word, cried out in anger or humbly whispered, and even if His answer is not as we would hope, His blessing is still there. He knows what he's doing, even if we feel lost, confused and angry.

Our infertility is a blessing, whether we are able to see it now or not. The painful trials God places in our lives are not for no reason at all. There is a perfect reason behind our seemingly imperfect situations, and we just have to open our eyes to see the blessings.

And, even though I'm typing this as a now pregnant woman, my heart is still that of an infertile woman. All that time fighting the fight isn't forgotten the second two lines appear. Infertility changes a woman, and I am trying to be living proof that it can change a woman for the better.

I am blessed. I am so very blessed.

I was blessed even before I became pregnant.

Boof!

Bob has a thing for the paper towel cardboard tube. Yes, you read right. Once all our paper towels are used, he goes absolutely crazy for the leftover cardboard tube. Just showing it to him gets him so hyped up, as you can see in this video. :)

Amen!

Ella Praying for the Babies

Ella's not camera shy, so she let me record her praying for the babies. :)

Please disregard the nose pick in the beginning. You take the good with the bad with an unedited 4-year old!

And, for whatever reason, there is a sound delay, so the video cutoff before you can hear "Amen,", but she didn't say "Dear God" in the beginning, so it's all good. :)

Comic Relief

If any of you need a good laugh tonight, watch this video of my daughter. It was taken using PhotoBooth a few months ago. Watching it is such a good release for me. Laughter, after all, is life's best medicine. :)

Two Embryos It Is

Since Aaron and my discussion last weekend about about whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos, a decision has been made!

Aaron and I didn't talk about it all week (although, I did bring it up a few times). Then, Thursday morning Aaron calls me in the morning. While  hurriedly getting Ella ready for school and myself ready for work every morning, Aaron always calls to tell me he made it safely to his classroom. But, this phone conversation wasn't a quick, "Hi, I'm here. Give Ella a big hug and big kiss for me."

He told me he had been thinking and decided he's okay with transferring two embryos "or more, if the doctor advises" (his words).

Later, I asked how he came to his decision and he said, first off, he was casually talking to his supervisor about our IVF plans, which she had already known a bit about. She jokingly said that she'd transfer five embryos with the amount we're spending. And even though no doctor in their right mind would allow a healthy young couple, like us, to transfer five (unless, of course, Octomom's doctor!), her statement apparently got to Aaron. He questioned himself. Why he was not willing to risk putting in two? Why he was so unwilling to welcome the possibility of twins into our lives?

Then, he heard a song on K-Love. He's been listening to it more and more on his drives to and from work, which makes me very happy! The song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real makes him think of me. Here's the music video. Please watch, if you have a chance.

Sanctus Real - Lead Me (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

A song that changed Aaron's heart a little about our upcoming IVF is Josh Wilson's "Before The Morning." The chorus goes:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming.

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning.

We both know our "morning" is coming. This pain that we've been feeling will soon pass and we cannot begin to imagine the joy that's coming. I'm sure once we're holding our baby, all of this pain will be erased and all I will feel is complete and utter JOY!

Aaron's thinking, now, is that with all the money we're putting into this IVF, we should go all out and give it to God. And, what is meant to happen will happen.

So, there you have it, we will be putting in a minimum of two embryos (again, we are assuming we will have at least two healthy embryos). I'm not sure if Dr. Weckstein's opinion of how many to transfer will change given we now know about Aaron's sperm morphology.

My Everything

If you haven't already seen this video, you absolutely need to watch it! And if you choose to watch it, you need to watch it to the very end. It's so powerful and will leave you goosebumps and feeling empowered (and there may be tears)! When all the pressures in this world weight us down, stopping us from fully living in Christ, we need to remember the message this song carries. Jesus is our everything. He is enough!

I showed this video to Aaron last week and tears were quietly flowing by the end. We held hands, no words exchanged - we just shared in the moment together. And now he's showing the video to co-workers and sharing it with friends on Facebook! My husband's faith is growing by the day and it's a marvel to watch. I couldn't be happier! :)



P.S. Speaking of my husband's faith, I have another story to share with you (and it involves the number of embryos we hope to transfer), but I'll save that for another post.

Ella's Ballet Recital

I'm sorry to say, but Ella and the rest of her dance class were pretty much the worst 3-year old performance of the evening. The girls did pretty good during practices, and we all figured there'd be a few bumps in the road, but tonight was a M-E-S-S! The audience applauded afterwards with full adoration and recognition of the attempt. I guess with an audience filled with mostly parents, they all know the hard work that goes into a performance like that first hand...even with an unpleasant outcome. :)

In Ella's defense, she didn't notice her teacher in stage right leading them until halfway through the performance. Until then, she seemed pretty lost without a leader to guide her through her moves.

Also, the teacher instilled in those girls how important their dots were. Ella was to skip to a blue dot and stay on it while dancing. If you watch the video, she backtracks to where she's supposed to be, losing focus on the dance steps she's to be performing at that time!

Sometime during the performance, the girls are to twirl to a front dot, and surprisingly, Ella was the only one who did it! That was the hardest part of the routine for her to get down and I was ecstatic that she actually did it! I was videotaping with the proudest grin on my face! But, as soon as she noticed none of the other girls did as they were supposed to, she went back to the original line. Good job, though, Ella! You rock!

All in all, though, I give the girls' attempt a standing ovation. They all enjoyed each other (parents included) and the past 10 weeks have been a lot of fun for us all. Ella grew a lot with this experience, and even if the performance tonight stunk, the lessons she learned will stick with her for quite some time.

When I told Ella today was her last day of ballet, I asked her if that makes her happy or sad. She made a pouty face and said that it made her sad. So, I asked her if she'd want to do a different ballet class. Her response was an excited, "Yes!"

So, I'm looking into dance studios as we speak! Even though it seems classes will be about $45.00/month (plus cost of shoes, leotards and costumes), you can't put a price on a child's happiness. And, since she has shown great interest in continuing ballet (unlike soccer!!!), we have to support her passion and keep it going until she tells us otherwise.

Okay, everybody...enjoy the performance! If you choose to leave a comment...be nice! :)

Video of Arnold...uh, I mean Aaron

Aaron is shamelessly funny. And the best part is, he would act this way in front of a crowd of people too. I just love him! He's such a dork and doesn't care what other people think. I hope you get a good laugh from this video. :)

Nostalgia

Aaron and I finally purchased the chord needed to upload videos from our camcorder onto our computer. This compilation of videos began just before Ella was born to soccer this past Saturday. Can you say nostalgia??? I'm still walking around in la-la land, remembering the "good ol' days." Aaron got video of Ella right after she was born - red, crying, helpless and perfect. Makes me want to have that experience again that much more. The tiny miracle, aching for familiarity and warmth, confused about what's going on, but soon joyously asleep in my arms. Oh Ella, I loved you from the moment I saw you...from the moment I felt you kick...from the moment I got my positive home pregnancy test. You are forever my angel.


Here is a short clip of video taken at Ella's Christmas program last year. She is such a ham!






We've officially started packing for our camping trip. We have all of our camping gear sprawled around the garage and the "What to Buy," What to Pack," "What to Do," and "Grocery" lists have begun. Yikes! We leave 2 weeks from Monday. This vacation is EXACTLY what we need and I think we're all been in better moods (Ella included) because of this trip in our near future. Ella reminds me everyday, "We're going to the camping soon, and we're going to the beach soon!" She's thrilled!