It's All About the Little Moments

This past week has been filled with special moments. Moments I wish to cherish forever. Moments that may quickly go unnoticed in the busy-ness of life, but moments that I'm trying to stop, soak in and remember.

Moments of Aaron swimming with Ella, encouraging her to doggie paddle without her floaties, tossing her around as she bravely holds her breath, happily screeching and demanding for Daddy to throw her higher and higher. Witnessing their bond, smiling at their smiles - it's truly any woman's dream come true to call these two mine.

Moments of Aaron and Ella coloring "monsters" together, both left-handed, both with the same pursed lips and look of concentration. Ella is seriously a little Aaron in so many ways. It can't help but make me wonder if Tristan will be like his mama?

Moments of laughing at Ella's silly-ness as she wore her cool shades.

Moments of happily feeling like a third wheel on a trip to the park. Ella was consumed with Daddy, and Daddy with Ella. I just watched from the sidelines, seeing their love for each other shine.

Moments of watching Aaron patiently (yet unsuccessfully!) teach Ella the rules of tic-tac-toe.

Moments of teaching a stubborn 4-year old how to swing...

...which clearly didn't go so well. (Tears of frustration).

Followed by moments of watching Daddy jump right in there and calm Ella down, helping her regain her confidence after not understanding how to do it.

Moments of the kid coming out in Aaron as he role models for Ella on what to do.

Moments of watching Ella climb a tree and shine with pride.

Moments of girl-time shopping with Ella and watching her eyes light up as I put her new cross necklace on her, a necklace she refuses to take off because it's "so special and reminds [her] of Jesus."

Many new moments of spending my mornings with Ella before taking her to kindergarten, filled with picnics, story time, dancing, Sesame Street, playing with Bob, and more story time.

Take these moments away, and my life would not be the same. These moments link together to create my days and weeks. Life without moments like these would be no life at all.

Bad Things Happen in Threes

You know the saying that bad things happen in threes?

Well, I'd like to think the same can be true for good things.

The past few weeks have been filled with good news.

First, on February 28th we found out that Aaron passed the RICA (Reading Instruction Competence Assessment). This test has proven to be quite difficult for not only Aaron to pass, but lots of teachers new to the field. It's a new requirement for all California teachers in order to earn their credential, and after many failed attempts and more money than we care to admit spent on this sucker, Aaron passed it!

If he was not successful in passing this test, he would not have been able to earn his credential and therefore not be eligible to teach next year. The past two years he has taught under an internship credential, which is only good for two years. All other prerequisites had been met to qualify him for his credential but this darn test, so we were on pins and needles until we were able to shout for joy on February 28th.

So...good news #1 is that Aaron has a teaching job next year! That is good news indeed! :)

Second, on March 8th, we found out that Ella got into Walnut Elementary School. (You likely remember reading about this wonderful day, but if you didn't, feel free to click HERE).

So...good news #2 is that Ella gets to go to the best school for kindergarten and her elementary school years (until we move back to Oregon, that is).

That then leaves me to what good news #3 is. You can likely guess what we're praying it is.

After all, if bad things can happen in threes...so can good! So, we're holding out hope that our third good thing will come on April 2nd. :)

But, I can't say that this cramping doesn't leave me feeling discouraged, though, and after looking back on my IVF cycle in December, I read that I started feeling PMS crampiness at 3dp5dt. I'm feeling the exact same way as last time and it absolutely breaks my heart. Granted, I had that mild spotting incident last time, but everything else checks out to be the same.

I am trying my hardest to continue holding onto that confidence that this FET worked, but it's getting harder to be so absolute in my certainty.

I know one thing I am absolute in, though...and that is that I'm an absolute mess! :)

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

I'm Ready!

I've been scurrying about getting things done today, since I plan on being on serious bed rest tomorrow and Friday (doctor's orders) and then moderate bed rest over the weekend.

Laundry is caught up.

Dishwasher unloaded.

House was picked up (but that doesn't last long with a 4-year old).

Ella's lunch is packed (so Aaron doesn't have to worry about that in the morning).

Ella's bag is packed, as she will be spending the night at my parents' tomorrow night. That way, my mom can take Ella to school Friday morning and I don't need to wake up early and get Ella ready for school. (Yes, I'm taking my bed rest very seriously).

Aaron's renting some comedies for me as a means to keep my mind preoccupied, but also as an attempt for me to be relaxed and laugh right after the transfer. It is proven that therapeutic laughter increases IVF success rates. So, I'm going to try and stress less and laugh more this time around.

And, to add to my smiles is this lovely flower display from Aaron. I feel so lucky to have such a caring, compassionate man by my side throughout this whole thing.

If you can't read what the card says, it reads, "Aaron and Ella love you, but God loves you more." (Remember this post?).

The next time I write a blog post, I will be PUPO!!!

Love Trumps Understanding

Nothing new to report over here. Tomorrow is my third day of Estrace, and I'm just keeping on the routine of taking two tablets in the morning and two at night (which has been amazingly hard to remember!) until my monitoring sonogram next Monday, at which point, my protocol may change a bit.

Tomorrow I also start the Estrace vaginal inserts. I haven't done these before, but I realize a lot of women having gone through ART cycles have, so I know I can do it! And, honestly, I'm willing to do anything to get pregnant! I think I've already proven that, though, haven't I? :)

I don't have any plans this weekend, other than enjoying time with Aaron and Ella. I love weekends where the only plans made are those of no plans!

Aaron is trying to keep me level (or, in other words...sane!). He's trying to read my emotions and keep me relaxed and happy. He, of all people, knows me so well and knows the roller coaster I'm on (up and down and up and down...).

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

I overheard Aaron praying out loud (with the intention for me to hear) for God to help me remember that he's on this roller coaster, too. That I'm not alone. He makes me smile with his discreetly obvious efforts to get through to me. :)

And really, sometimes I forget that he wants this baby just as bad as me. Sometimes I forget that he's walking side-by-side with me on this journey.

And, when I remember that he's right there with me, I feel so much better. A weight is literally lifted off my shoulders and I feel release.

Aaron really helped me earlier this week as I was battling emotions. I want people to understand the pain I'm feeling, but yet, I feel powerless to gaining that understanding.

Aaron put it best...

He said that when a person goes overseas to fight in a war for a couple years and returns to the life waiting for him, there are expectations for him to crawl right back into where he left off. However, despite that the life he left two years back hasn't changed, his perception of life has. Two years at war took a hold of his heart and changed him.

He's a different person, whether the family and friends he returns home to can truly understand it. They can sympathize and quite possibly empathize with this change, but grasping a complete understanding of the new man may be near impossible.

That is how I feel an infertile woman is. Even though it's not an overseas war she is fighting, it is still an inner battle. And there is absolutely no way a woman can go through a couple years of infertility without being changed in some way. And this change is one that might not come with understanding from people that cannot truly relate.

I know the person I am today is not the person I was 2-1/2 years ago. The battle I've been fighting - the tears, the screams, the pain, the sadness - they have changed me into, quite possibly, someone who cannot fully be understood and related to. I'm still the same person, but infertility has made some deep changes in me. (And, I hope this goes without saying, but not all these changes are bad...some are very good!).

So, maybe, instead of looking to people for understanding as a means of feeling connected, I need to embrace the love they are openly giving me. Even though they cannot completely relate, it's okay! Because what they can give - love - is so much richer. Love has no criteria or condition upon which it is formed. It just is. And, although being understood is a good feeling, being loved trumps it by a mile.

When God Writes Your Mom Story

Have you heard of the book, When God Writes Your Love Story?

This book touches on the idea that a person's identity cannot be all wrapped up in a relationship, and that all too often too much energy is put into maintaining that relationship, even if it's unhealthy. (By the way, that statement pretty much sums of my college years, but lets save that topic for another day!). The book goes on to say that a person's identity must be in Jesus Christ and not in some relationship. The authors, after many dating and relationships disasters, learned to hand over the reins of their love lives to God and allow Him to write their love story.

And, even though I have my husband, and I believe God miraculously placed us in each other's paths (click HERE if you're interested in reading our love story), my life has now transitioned to a new story. My Mom Story. A story that began September 22, 2006 with the birth of our daughter and the story that is still being written by the Author of my life.

My Mom Story is still being written and, honestly, I have no idea what the ending will be. I don't know when I will be blessed with another child, or how! Will we have another miracle child? Will we conceive through our upcoming FET? Will we have to go through a whole other IVF cycle? Are we going to end up using a surrogate? Is God going to lay it in our hearts to consider adoption?

Those questions are constantly swirling and twirling inside my head, like an uncontrollable tornado, each go around bringing more velocity to the already consuming destruction.

Yes, I said destruction!

If I keep going at this pace, I'm seriously going to lose control of everything in my life!

My concerns and thoughts are not where they need to be. They need to be focused on God! My identity is not wrapped in Him. My identity is wrapped in Dr. Google and what "his" answers are to the above questions. I spend way too much time researching things that do not need to be researched. Things that I need to lift up to God in prayer. My identity is too invested in conceiving my second child that I'm losing myself.

I'm losing myself as Aaron's wife.

I'm losing myself as Ella's mommy.

But, most importantly, I'm losing my identity in Jesus Christ.

I can't have an open heart to what His calling is, when I'm more concerned about what Dr. Google (or even Dr. Weckstein or my family or my peers) has to say. Rather than quieting everything and everyone around me and being still with God, I sometimes choose to wallow in my self-pity with lots of "It's not fair!" and "Why me?" thoughts.

And, really, it's okay to grieve over what is going on. It's okay to have anger, sadness, confusion. Those are all natural emotions that a person would feel after trying to conceive for so long with no success. But, it is what I do with those emotions that really matters.

And, at the rate that I'm going (mainly since we found out our IVF cycle was unsuccessful last month), I'm going nowhere...and fast!

So, just as God faithfully brought Aaron into my life, and just as God faithfully brought us our miracle child, Ella, I am going to faithfully place my life and identity in His hands. Otherwise, not only will my life will spin out of control, but my identity will be placed on a role I am not yet playing (mom to a second child), rather than the identities I am currently blessed in undertaking.

I am Aaron's wife.

I am Ella's mom.

And, I am at God's disposal to unveil His personal best for my life.

My Resolve for 2011

This is the traditional post of my New Year's resolutions. I feel pushed to write this post because I want to document how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.

So much has happened this past year that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. My surgeries, the drugs, the tests, the failed IUI and lastly, the failed IVF. It wasn't until we reached over 2 years of trying to conceive that it was discovered our infertility was a result of male infertility factor. With Aaron's sperm having 99% abnormal morphology, our only chance of conceiving is IVF (with ICSI). We were confident going into our first IVF cycle, but brokenhearted and numb coming out of it.

But, now that we know the cause of our infertility, we can move forward with certainty. I no longer need to have tests run on me. Everything checks out with me. And, for that, I'm thankful!

And even though everything checks out with me and all my women parts are doing what they are supposed to, so much of me still does not check out.

My soul is bruised.

My body is unrecognizable.

My mind is blurred.

So, for 2011, I resolve to fix all that. I resolve to:

Let go and let God. The only way to find peace as we continue on this journey is to stop trying to control what so clearly is not something I can control. My soul is bruised because I bring myself down. I don't allow peace to overcome me. I refuse to welcome God's plan to work in my life because it does not match with my plan for my life. So, the more I let go and let God, the more I will find peace and heal my bruised soul.

Lose My Infertility Weight. With all the drugs, injections, emotional eating, it's no wonder I'm ending 2010 heavier than going into it. I took too seriously refraining from exercising during each two-week wait (or should I say two-week "weight"?). I didn't want to interrupt possible implantation! With the lack of exercise during that time, eventually I just stopped exercising period. So, combine that with food being my friend, I gained weight.

And, even though my RE says I'm in a healthy range for IVF, I know my BMI is at the upper end of the range, so my goal is to lower my BMI before we move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. Our FET is our last shot, as I see it, because realistically, paying for another full IVF cycle (roughly $15,000) is just not realistic for us. So, I want to go into it feeling confident that we did everything we possibly could, physically and mentally, which brings me to my next resolution.

Redirect My Mind. My mind is my worst enemy. You would think infertility is my worst enemy, but it is how I perceive my infertility that is really haunting me. It has consumed me. I feel I've missed out on so much beauty because of this darned disease. My little Ella is not so little anymore and I can't believe for over half her life, I've been in this burdening funk of not getting pregnant. I hate to think I might've missed out on some wonderful times with her because I was too preoccupied in my personal battle, so this year, and all years to come, I'm going to make the strongest effort to focus on my beautiful miracle. After all, after learning about Aaron's sperm, she truly is our miracle. :)

My husband puts it best in this poem of his New Year's resolution...

I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about now.
I'm going to spend more of next year thinking about today.
I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about us.
And I have a lot to pray about, so this next year I'm going to pray.
There were so many weeks,
I just wanted the week to end.
There were so many weeks,
That the months just blend.
So I'm going to love my life.
I will love every moment.
I'm going to love my daughter and wife.
They are my souls component.
It's time to make some changes,
So let the new year roll,
To cherish every second I'm given?
2011 I'm livin' that goal.

Happy New Year, everybody! Lets make it a good one! :)

Empty House

Aaron (and Bob) drove up to Portland yesterday to spend the Thanksgiving week with his family. It sure is quiet without the two of them in the house. I miss my husband so much, but it's so important for him to spend some quality time with his family. Plus, I'm a true believer that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I can feel my heart growing and yearning to be near him with each passing minute. :)

But, until Aaron comes home, you can imagine the quality mother/daughter bonding Ella and I are enjoying with each other!

This weekend, we went shopping, we watched Tinkerbell, we ate mac & cheese, we read stories, we went on a walk, we sang in her microphone, we danced to the "Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog" song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, we put up Christmas decorations, we drank hot (lukewarm in her case) chocolate, we drew Christmas trees, and I have a lot more fun times to look forward to this next week with my favorite little girl.

Needless to say, though, I really don't know how single parents do it! Two full days with Ella without a second parent here to help me has left me very exhausted. A fulfilling, good exhausted, but still exhausted nonetheless.

Part of that exhaustion might be from the Lupron injections, though. The only side effect that I've truly noticed has been headaches, and Tylenol, which is the only pain killer I'm allowed to take at this time, just doesn't cut it for me.

Injections are going well. Tonight was my fourth night of injections and my last night on the birth control pill. As a result of no longer being on the pill, I was told to expect to have some bleeding this next week. And hopefully this will be the last bleeding I see for nine whole months!!!

Guest Post by My Husband

This post has been a long time coming. I've thought about writing it more times than I can remember, more times than I'd like to count. Every time I sit down on a computer, it's all about me and what "I" want to do with that time. My wife, on the other hand, my lovely, amazing wife has talked about "us" and "me" on her blog so many times that I would have to write a dozen posts just to cover half of them. So, this post is not going to have any pictures, just words. It's a reminder to my better half that, I, too, have thoughts, feelings, and insecurities about certain things we go through. Really, it's to show her I care, no matter how few people actually read this. It's for her.

I can't tell you exactly what the experience has been like going through this infertility thing. Before IVF, I could have told you that infertility meant nothing to me. It was a word without emotion, without feeling, without pain. There was no anger, no feeling of failure, and no tears. There was no guilt, no sadness, no dark and dreary days.

Up until that point in time, around the time we started realizing that this infertility 'thing' was tightening it's grip on our reality, life had been void of this word. Now, our life seems consumed by it...no, no, that's not it. My wife IS consumed by it. The very word is like a virus in this world for those who are trying to create a family, and there is no cure because it is "unexplained." (This is Bobbi now...lots of times infertility is explained (such as our infertility being a result of Aaron's abnormal sperm morphology), there is typically a reason why couples cannot conceive on their own, but I think what Aaron was trying to get at is there is no explanation as to why some couples have no trouble conceiving and others simply cannot).

Back when this all started, a little over 2 years ago, I was the one who initially made us wait. I was the one who said, "Honey, it can wait. We will get pregnant in no time, so what's the rush?" Bobbi on the other hand, a person whose heart and soul and very fiber of being was and still is predestined to have children and be a mommy, wanted kids probably much sooner than when I gave the go-ahead two years ago.

Now, if you know me well, you would know that one thing I like to say is: Have no regrets. Life is short. Be patient. Time will tell. Let's see what happens. Blah blah blah, Bobbi's heard these words a million times and I'm now starting to wonder how awful it is to hear those kinds of things from me. I mean, COME ON we shoulda been pregnant by now right? I guess not, and do I have regrets? For me, to wish to go back in time and change something, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's, have begun to dig like a nail in my brain.

What if we'd started trying right after Ella was born? Why was I so stubborn? What was I scared of? Was Bobbi right and I was wrong? Was God talking to Bobbi and not me? Did I do what was right by trying to wait? All of these questions are valueless and pointless and ridiculous because we have what we have: a baby girl named Ella, who is now 4 years older and not getting any younger. Fault? There is none, but it goes without saying that you can't help but look in the past and wish things went different. You can't help but wonder certain things, and those thoughts all stem from one single one word: Infertility.

My wife has been through the ultimate white-water rapids carnival. Picture floating down a quiet, bubbling stream. There's nothing but flowing fields of wheat on both sides, and mountains in the back grounds. You can't see too far in the distance, because you're totally distracted by what's right in front of you. A little while down the stream, you see signs of change. Not change that is necessarily bad, just change...like the quickening pace of water, or maybe you hear a slight but steady roar in the distance ahead. Then the water gets faster, and you have no oars to slow you down so all you do is speed up, unable to control the direction or anything else for that matter. You become scared, weary, and you want to grab for someone or something but no one is there to help.

This has been infertility for Bobbi, and I have not always been there during the white-water rapids trip downstream. I have tried to be there, but let's face it. Guys and Girls are so different that it's impossible to put in words. Sure there are similarities, but overall we do not see things the same way. Trust me, I've tried taking over that raft and finding ways to control it as it meanders downstream, but once it gets going it doesn't stop...especially if all you've ever wanted is the one thing you can't have: another baby.

In the last two years, I've learned a lot. It would be difficult to say who I've learned more about; Bobbi or me. One thing is true, when a girl can't have what a girl wants, there's bound to be some emotions involved that not only are difficult to bare, but even more difficult to understand and relate to.

I've always thought I was a pretty sensitive guy! I cry at movies, I feel bad for people in all kinds of instances, I listen and I give input. I always try to help people. But sometimes, as I'm sure happens more often than any guy would care to admit, I think I give myself more credit than I deserve. I cannot tell you how many arguments, fights, spiffs we've had in these past two years SIMPLY BECAUSE WE DID NOT UNDERSTAND EACH OTHERS POINTS OF VIEW! Not that I'm counting either, because I hate it when we don't get along. I can't stand it when we don't see eye-to-eye, so at what point to you give in and allow yourself to appreciate the other person's feelings, emotions, opinions and points of view? Why is control in a marriage such an issue? Because we are afraid of losing it, or at least losing the perception of having it.

And I honestly don't want people who read this to think we don't get along, or that we don't agree on things. Our marriage is a ten-fold stronger than it was in our first year of marriage. We give in to each other, we make decisions together, and most importantly we appreciate and love each other to a degree that's immeasurable. And yet, the fact remains that we have both been on different "rafts on the stream," or maybe, until lately, I wasn't even on the stream at all. I've been trying...my hardest.

I have become slightly, if not quite a bit, more religious. I still have my questions and doubts, if that's what you want to call them, but I have an urge to believe...not only because I fear not believing, but because if there isn't someone like Him, than who is in charge? And I believe more now than ever because Bobbi believes so strongly, even after the stream of infertility has nearly flipped her raft over so many countless and painful times.

So to say the least, I am scared about IVF. Not because it's a lot of money, or even because it's the last option to have our own baby. I'm scared because I don't know how the stream will end, or where it will take us. I don't know for sure who's in control, if anyone is, but I can honestly say that at least, now, Bobbi and I are on the same raft. One thing that keeps me calm is hope...the cure for this infertility, the oars to the raft, the mountains in the background and the person sitting beside me.

Two Embryos It Is

Since Aaron and my discussion last weekend about about whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos, a decision has been made!

Aaron and I didn't talk about it all week (although, I did bring it up a few times). Then, Thursday morning Aaron calls me in the morning. While  hurriedly getting Ella ready for school and myself ready for work every morning, Aaron always calls to tell me he made it safely to his classroom. But, this phone conversation wasn't a quick, "Hi, I'm here. Give Ella a big hug and big kiss for me."

He told me he had been thinking and decided he's okay with transferring two embryos "or more, if the doctor advises" (his words).

Later, I asked how he came to his decision and he said, first off, he was casually talking to his supervisor about our IVF plans, which she had already known a bit about. She jokingly said that she'd transfer five embryos with the amount we're spending. And even though no doctor in their right mind would allow a healthy young couple, like us, to transfer five (unless, of course, Octomom's doctor!), her statement apparently got to Aaron. He questioned himself. Why he was not willing to risk putting in two? Why he was so unwilling to welcome the possibility of twins into our lives?

Then, he heard a song on K-Love. He's been listening to it more and more on his drives to and from work, which makes me very happy! The song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real makes him think of me. Here's the music video. Please watch, if you have a chance.

Sanctus Real - Lead Me (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

A song that changed Aaron's heart a little about our upcoming IVF is Josh Wilson's "Before The Morning." The chorus goes:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming.

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning.

We both know our "morning" is coming. This pain that we've been feeling will soon pass and we cannot begin to imagine the joy that's coming. I'm sure once we're holding our baby, all of this pain will be erased and all I will feel is complete and utter JOY!

Aaron's thinking, now, is that with all the money we're putting into this IVF, we should go all out and give it to God. And, what is meant to happen will happen.

So, there you have it, we will be putting in a minimum of two embryos (again, we are assuming we will have at least two healthy embryos). I'm not sure if Dr. Weckstein's opinion of how many to transfer will change given we now know about Aaron's sperm morphology.

My Everything

If you haven't already seen this video, you absolutely need to watch it! And if you choose to watch it, you need to watch it to the very end. It's so powerful and will leave you goosebumps and feeling empowered (and there may be tears)! When all the pressures in this world weight us down, stopping us from fully living in Christ, we need to remember the message this song carries. Jesus is our everything. He is enough!

I showed this video to Aaron last week and tears were quietly flowing by the end. We held hands, no words exchanged - we just shared in the moment together. And now he's showing the video to co-workers and sharing it with friends on Facebook! My husband's faith is growing by the day and it's a marvel to watch. I couldn't be happier! :)



P.S. Speaking of my husband's faith, I have another story to share with you (and it involves the number of embryos we hope to transfer), but I'll save that for another post.

Debate - 1 or 2 embryos?

The following blog post is based on the assumption that we will have at least two good embryos for transfer or freezing. This could all be for nothing, but it's still good to think about and discuss. :)

So, Aaron and I had a long discussion this weekend. A discussion we hadn't yet had. I had an inkling on his opinion on the matter, but I didn't actually hear the words.

But as of yesterday, I know how he feels.

Dr. Weckstein gave us the following statistics:

• If we transfer only one embryos, we have roughly a 50% chance of getting pregnant.
• If we transfer two embryos, we have roughly a 60% chance of getting pregnant. And within that 60%...there is a 30% chance we'd get pregnant with one and a 30% chance we'd get pregnant with twins.

Twins!

When I think of having twins, no fear arises. I mean, sure, being pregnant with twins seems overwhelming, especially with a 4-year old, and then actually RAISING twins, from birth on, seems double the trouble. But, in my eyes, with the double trouble comes the double reward.

Aaron's view is entirely different.

He's worried about finances, which is obviously a main concern of parents with twins. Double the cost! Double the food, double the clothes, double the diapers, double the formula, double EVERYTHING!

I explained to him that the only "double" that would be financially strapping in the first few years would be the formula and diapers. I have told him before that I plan on buying lightly used everything for our next child. With Ella, other than the crib donated to us, we bought everything new. And, if you've had a baby, you know how quickly they grow out of their jumper seat, their swing, their walker, their playpen, their clothes, etc. We've kept a lot of things, in fact, but now that I have experienced how quickly babies do go through things, I'm completely willing to hit up garage sales or CraigsList. We could get two lightly used things for less than the price of one brand new.

His other concern was that it would break our marriage apart. When I was on Clomid, Aaron would always joke that if we had twins, he'd take Ella and leave and the divorce papers would be in the mail. We would just laugh together about it. But, yesterday, he explained that he really does believe having twins would just not be worth it to him. We'd be so exhausted all the time, we'd be at each other's throats and we'd have no time for us!

Being a parent of even one newborn leaves us feeling those ways, though. Having a baby, period, is exhausting. Frustrations sometimes flare and our only identity and role are that of Mommy and Daddy.

But...we got through over two years of trying to conceive and our marriage is even stronger. I told him that, sure, this walk with infertility has been hard, to say the least, but we did it! We got through it! Love conquers all. He, of all people, knows that hard work pays off, and I truly believe if blessed with twins, yes, he's right on all his worries and concerns, but what he doesn't realize is that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. We could get through it. And we would!

But, regardless of my counterarguments (if you wish to call them that), he would still like to only transfer one.

He, of course, hasn't made up his mind, and come time to transfer the one or two embryos, he may have a change of heart. Dr. Weckstein had told us that if we have one high quality embryo, he would recommend just transferring one, but if we have two that are good, but not the best, he would recommend transferring two. (Embryos have a grading system that I don't quite understand).

Anyway, Aaron and I are still soaking things in separately, weighing in all angles. We agreed to talk about things again in a few weeks. I just didn't want to get the call from Dr. Weckstein the night before the transfer and he says, "Okay, we've got some good ones ready for transfer. It's up to you on if you want to transfer one or two." I don't want to have this discussion that night, when my emotions and stress are running high. (It's a lot easier to talk to me when I'm not in those moods. LOL!).

My opinion is that there is a 10% more chance of getting pregnant if we transfer two, regardless of we end up with one or two thriving babies. 10% is huge, in my eyes, given the statistic that a healthy, fertile couple has a 25% chance of conceiving any given month. 

I'm also afraid that if we only transfer one and it doesn't work, that I'll always wonder. What if? What if we transferred two, would I be pregnant?

But, again, I'm also afraid that we'll transfer two and we'll end up with twins, and my darling husband will be one of those guys that faints when the ultrasound reveals two little peanuts. I'm afraid twins may be too much for him.

I try to reassure him that perhaps things have unfolded the way they have for this very reason. Perhaps the cards didn't play out for us to find out about his sperm morphology problem until we'd been trying to conceive for over two years because if we found out a year ago, I'm sure we would've attempted IVF soon thereafter, and twins with Ella being younger would've been too much for not only us, but Ella! Perhaps we needed these two years to allow Ella to grow up more because twins may be a part of God's plan.

Aaron thinks that I'm trying to play God. He thinks I'm trying to control how many kids we have. He thinks I'm being greedy. Yes, he used that word, but that's okay. Maybe I am being a little greedy? But, God is still in complete control, and of that I am completely certain. We can transfer ten embryos and still not get pregnant, if that is God's will. I know God is pushing us to do IVF. I feel in my heart that this is what He wants us to do and I'm confident in this big step we're about to take. I'm also confident that His will will be done, no matter how many embryos we transfer and no matter if it brings us zero, one or two babies.

So, with all this said, Aaron and I are in debate on how many embryos to transfer. I know this discussion is very premature, seeing as how we haven't even started our IVF cycle, but it's good to lay it all out, soak it all in, respect each other's opinions and listen to each other. If there is one thing I've learned in over five years of marriage is that compromise is so necessary. Too bad we couldn't transfer 1-1/2 embryos! LOL! :)

For all my lovely readers who have gone through IVF, how did you and your husband come to the decision on how many to transfer?

Pictures Galore of My One and Only

My husband posted tons (and I mean, TONS!) of his favorite pictures he's taken of Ella over the years. Feel free to jump on over to his blog, Aaron J. Johnson Photography, or click on any of the following links to see our growing miracle. You'll likely be able to tell when he started using an SLR camera because the quality of the pictures change drastically.

• Take One
• Take Two
• Take Three

And, I know I've said this before, but I'm SO LUCKY to have such an amazing photographer as a husband. He is able to capture not only our daughter, but our entire lives together, in such a creative light that freezes moments in time...those moments we don't want to soon forget. :)

Day Fourteen

A Picture I Love

It seems only appropriate that I post a picture that I love (for my 30-day blog challenge) from some of those pictures. The problem is choosing just one is not possible! So, I'm literally just going to close my eyes, scroll down and STOP! Whichever is on my screen, is what I will post! Ready...set...here it is...

My First (and Only) Love

Day 3 

My First Love 

For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
(Rosemonde Gerard)

Love is a symbol of eternity.  It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

(Author Unknown)

To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.

(Robert Brault)

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

(Robert Heinlein)

It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.

(John Bulwer)

The Wedding Prayer

Father in Heaven, thank you for this husband ______, and wife, _______, and their commitment to Christian marriage. As we look ahead, we pray that their future will never lack the convictions that make a marriage strong.

Bless this husband, ______. Bless him as provider and protector. Sustain him in all the pressures that come with the task of stewarding a family. May his strength be his wife’s boast and pride, and may he so live that his wife may find in him the haven for which the heart of a woman truly longs.

Bless this wife, ______. Give her a tenderness that makes her great, a deep sense of understanding, and a strong faith in You. Give her that inner beauty of soul that never fades, that eternal youth that is found in holding fast to the things that never age. May she so live that her husband may be pleased to reverence her in the shrine of his heart.

Teach them that marriage is not living for each other. It is two people uniting and joining hands to serve You. Give them a great spiritual purpose in life. May they seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness, knowing that You will sustain them through all of life’s challenges.

May they minimize each other’s weaknesses and be swift to praise and magnify each other’s strengths so that they might view each other through a lover’s kind and patient eyes. Help them every day to be kind and gentle, more like Thee. Give them a little something to forgive each day, that their love might learn to be long-suffering.

Bless them and develop their characters as they walk together with You. Give them enough hurts to keep them humane, enough failures to keep their hands clenched tightly in Yours, and enough of success to make them sure they walk with You throughout all of their life.

May they never take each other’s love for granted but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims. “Out of all this world, you have chosen me.” Then, when life is done and the sun is setting, may they be found then as now, still hand in hand, still very proud, still thanking You for each other.

May they travel together as friends and lovers, brother and sister, husband and wife, father and mother, and as servants of Christ until He shall return or until that day when one shall lay the other into the arms of God. This we ask through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour, the great lover of our souls.

Amen.

My Husband's Photography Site

My husband, Aaron, is a professional photographer in the making. With each photo shoot he's overseen (which, up to this point, has primarily been weddings), his pictures keep turning out better and better.

I would LOVE it if you'd check out his blog. Simply click on this link...

Aaron J. Johnson Photography

Photography has always been his passion, but he didn't actually start pursuing his passion until last year when he was given the opportunity to photograph his first wedding. Since then, he's photographed five weddings and a few family shoots. He loves every minute of it...from meeting with the people to spending countless hours at the computer editing.

We both hope this side job builds into something more promising for him in the future. But until then, he is savoring every opportunity he receives in hopes of gaining more experience and building his portfolio.

Please take some time to view his blog / website and let me know what you think. If you feel so inclined, please follow his site. You won't be disappointed! :)

P.S. I know this blog post sounds entirely biased, seeing as how Aaron's my husband, but he really does have a raw talent that this pictures only modestly showcase. He definitely has a promising future...I have no doubt about it!

Show and Tell

Suzy @ Not A Fertile Myrtle hosts a "Show and Tell" series. Go to her blog for the rules of the game, but basically it is what it sounds like. I get to choose something to show and tell you about, and then I link my post back to her blog. :)

So, I would like to show and tell you the story about how Aaron and I came to be. I wrote this post awhile ago (before most of you started reading my blog), so I'd like to re-share the story of how we met, fell in love and got married (all in about 3 months' time, no joke!). It really is a beautiful story. The way everything fell into place makes me believe with all my heart that our coming together was completely a God thing. :)

Match Made in Heaven

Above is the link to our story. I hope you take some time to read it, if you haven't already. And, to top it off, you can see a few pictures from our wedding (although, not the professional ones...I haven't gotten around to posting those).

Stretched Thin, But Not Broken

My husband has a way with words. He wrote me this poem a few months ago when we found out the IUI failed. I broke down and told him that I felt alone in this journey through infertility. That I felt he was not as emotionally invested and that sometimes his strength came across as not caring. He digested what I told him, let me lay out my heart, and after crying with me, he left for the office and came back with this poem.

I'm glad he is strong where I am weak. God knows I need a strong man by my side. I'm glad he is positive where I am negative. God knows I need a breath of fresh air when spiraling downward in all that is wrong. And I'm glad I was able to pour out my heart to him, to be returned with his true feelings being revealed throwing this poem.

I am not alone. He is right there with me. He feels this deep pain, too. He just has a different way of expressing this pain, and working through this difference has been a challenge. It still is.

After yesterday, our pain is even more bonded. We became two-in-one when united by marriage, but yesterday, I think that union became deeper and stronger.

The tears they flow, you wanna hold em’ back,
Feelings like a rubber band stretched so tight you’re ready to snap.
And you tell yourself, please!, please don’t look back,
You feel that once you were bubbly, and now you’re feeling flat.
And the result is crummy, heck it’s downright crap,
You look back and even though it’s sunny all you can see is black.
How long will this stormy cloud follow you off the beaten track?
It’s been pulling me apart as well and you probably never thought of that.
You probably think, what’s his deal? Why doesn’t he hurt?
Why am I alone, and cold, feeling like dirt?
I tell you this, you’re not alone,
It’s exactly the opposite.
The cloud follows me to even though I act positive.
I ask Him, why? Where is our deficit?
How can this long wait possibly be legitimate?
Is it chance, is it luck? I ask myself these questions,
Is God just trying to teach us a lesson?
How can you do this? It’s downright depression,
I must confess it’s becoming obsession.
So yes, I feel it, maybe not the same as you,
My heart still bruises the color black and blue.
SO let us stand together, we shall hold hands,
Set aside our need to control and let His plans play out,
It’s His demands, He understands,
That’s what faith is all about.

Pursuing Your Dream Career

As most of you know, Aaron is a special education teacher. His quest to earning his credential and soon-to-be Master's in special education was not easy, especially considering he was working full-time, parenting full-time and husbanding (is that a word?) full-time. Needless to say, when he commits his mind to something, he won't allow himself to fall short of achieving his goal.

This is his second year in this new career, and with the teaching economy being as sour as it is, we both know how blessed he is to have a job. For a recap on how he was offered a job back, read "One Less Thing to Worry About." That was such a wonderful day! Reading that post allows me to relive that day, witnessing God's hand in all of this.

Not only was Aaron offered a job back, but he was given the opportunity to relocate to a closer school and to teach an age group more along his preference. This year, he will be teaching at Gustine Elementary School, in Gustine (duh!), California, which sheds about 20 minutes off the 45-50 minute commute he had to endure last year. That's a huge difference! That is almost 3-1/2 hours off the road each week. You know what that means? That means Aaron will be home 3-1/2 hours more each week! God knows that is exactly what we need.

This year, Aaron will be teaching K to 5th graders, and currently, he has only nine students enrolled in his class (this number can increase throughout the year). Last year, Aaron taught pre-K to 2nd graders, and at any given time, he had fourteen students on his roster. Aaron's preference has always been to teach older kids, so hopefully this new class demographic will serve him well. And not only does he have an older age group, but only one kid is orthopedically impaired, which ideally should make things easier for him and his staff.

Today, the three of us headed to Aaron's classroom to get his keys, unload some boxes and begin organizing. Of course, I brought the camera along. :)

I'm assuming this is the kindergarten playground. There are two bigger playgrounds further down.

Quad area. All hallways lead to this center point.

This is the entrance corridor.

The hallway leading down to Aaron's classroom. Aaron's room is the second to last one on the left.

Before or after? Hmmm...

Inside the classroom, Aaron was quickly setting things up. Where he is standing is where we put his desk. We ran into a couple helpful teachers who opened up the storage unit for him, an oasis of unused material and furniture that is free for taking. Aaron grabbed a teacher's desk and is anxious to get his hands on some other goods. His classroom is really quite empty, so he has his work cut out for him.

While Aaron organized, as did Ella (in her way). I just love her!

Later she got her hands on some dry erase markers and drew our family. I must say, I love our colorful eyes! :)

When I asked her who each person was, she told me. Poor Zoe is all alone. And, I definitely have the best hair and biggest lips of them all!

Overall, the classroom is really great. The teacher before him really left it in nice condition. He just has to scrounge around and find some materials. Looks like we'll be cutting into his teacher allowance early this year.

The bathroom even has a little kiddie toilet!

What a cutie pie!

Through all of this, I'd like to reiterate how proud of Aaron I am. He was unhappy in retail management. And rather than succumbing to the retail industry, with his schedule varying each week, without any consideration for holidays or weekends, he changed careers. It wasn't overnight and it took months and years of sacrifice and commitment on all our parts, but it's so worth it! Now, he gets to spend every weekend and every holiday (and then some!) with us! Being a family-minded husband, sacrificing time with us was simply out of the question. And, in my opinion, he has one of the most rewarding jobs a person can have to boot.

And although special education isn't Aaron's dream job, it allows for a bright future. This is simply a very strong starting point for a dream-filled future. And, as a teacher, it's not about his dreams anymore. It's about the dreams of his students. I have no doubt that he is making an impression on these kids. And seriously, how much more fulfilling can a job get than making a positive imprint on kids' lives?