40 Days and 40 Nights

It rained for 40 days and 40 nights as God flooded the earth.

Jesus fasted and was tempted for 40 days in the wilderness.

I am beginning the final 40 days of my miracle pregnancy.

40 is an important number in the Bible, and today, it serves to be an important number for me, too!

My little guy will be here in 40 days!

At the end of the 40 days and nights of flooding, God displayed a rainbow, symbolizing his promise. His promise to never flood the world again.

At the end of Jesus' 40-day fast, God proved his faithfulness. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, God will not allow us to be tempted above our ability to resist. Or, in other words, God will not give us more than we can handle.

And, at the end of the following 40 days, on December 3rd, my son will be wrapped in my arms. My son will be living proof that with prayer, patience and perseverance, God shows himself to be faithful.

Having gone through 2-1/2 years of secondary infertility and feeling the complete hopelessness and despair that went along with it, I can now see that God truly did not give me more than I can handle. I survived, didn't I? And, God knew I'd be better for it! He knew what He was doing with my life.

With each passing month of not getting pregnant, I didn't think I could find the hope to continue trying...but I did.

I didn't think I could bounce back from our failed IVF cycle last December...but I did.

God does not break His promises. Just as he has not flooded this world again, so too has He kept His promise to never forsake us. Our own personal goals or distractions get in the way of His grand plan for each of our lives. But, if we allow for Him to take hold of the reigns and if we stop focusing on what is "wrong" in our lives, we may catch a glimpse of the beautiful truth that we serve a faithful God.

God has proved his faithfulness in my life time and time again.

And, in 40 days, I will once again see how faithful He truly is.

Feeling Guilty

There has been a lot of unwanted news in the blogging community lately. A lot of failed cycles. A lot of pregnancy losses. And, especially for Angie, who is experiencing a huge heart break after discovering her baby's heart stopped beating (she was roughly a week ahead of me), a lot of questions of, "Why?" have been floating around.

After reading about infertile women still struggling, still crying themselves to sleep at nights, still dreaming of that second line, I can't help but feel a sense of guilt.

That was me just a few weeks ago.

(Wow! What a difference a few weeks can make!).

My struggle leading to where I am was by no means easy. I suffered so much. And, even though I'm pregnant, the pain is still raw. This pregnancy feels so unreal, like, sometimes I have to remind myself that it's actually finally happening! That my time has finally come! And each day that passes in this pregnancy, the pain becomes less prominent while I allow the happiness to fully seep in.

But, I still feel guilty that my time has come and that so many women are still left struggling. Even though I am allowing happiness to soak in, I can't help but feel so much sadness for everybody still struggling. I still have the heart of an infertile woman, even though my womb is no longer empty. I still feel that pain. It doesn't just disappear after two lines.

And every time I read a story about somebody's cycle not working, I want to help ease their pain, but there is nothing I can do, other than allow my story be a beacon of hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

My Infertility: A to Z

I've seen this infertility questionnaire floating around some blogs I'm following and thought it'd be a fun way for ya'll to learn more about our journey through infertility.

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

A.  Age when you started TTC (trying to conceive): 25 years and 2 months. (Wow, that sounds so young!).

B.  Baby dancing or sex: Ummm...what???

C.  Children wanted: I always wanted 4 kids, but Aaron liked the idea of 2 kids, so we "compromised" on 3 kids. However, with all we had to go through to have our second child, I'm thinking Aaron might get his way.

D.  Dogs/cats/fill in children: 2 dogs - a black lab mix and a pug. :)

E.  Essential oils/vitamins/snake oils: Snake oils? Huh? I take 2 fish oil vitamins a day, 1 flaxseed oil vitamin in the morning, and 1 prenatal vitamin in the morning.

F.  Fertility meds. I've taken: Clomid, Lupron, Follistim, Menopur. I think that's it.

G.  Gain: Lord, have mercy! Since trying to conceive, I gained back all the weight I had lost, which is roughly 20 to 25 pounds. The last 5 pounds were from all the fertility drugs being pumped in my body. However, on the bright side, I only weighed 10 pounds more when I conceived our second child than when I conceived Ella. That makes it sound not as bad. :)

H.  HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Both tubes are clear!

I.  Infertile pet peeves: I try not to judge other people's comments because I believe their intention never is to hurt. They just don't know what to say because they haven't gone through it. But, trust me, there were lots of times where comments were made that had my blood boiling.

J.  Job title: Paralegal. (How is this infertility related?).

K.  Kids' names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Aaron and I have a name picked out for if its a boy and a few in mind for if its a girl. And, hey, if somebody else uses it, oh well! I've waited too long to use a back up name! :)

L.  Length of time TTC (trying to conceive): A little over 2-1/2 years. Yikes.

M. Miscarriages:  None. And I'm praying everyday that doesn't change.

N.  Number of times you’ve switched OB-GYNs or REs: I'm looking to switch to a new OB-GYN now that I'm pregnant (not a big fan of my old office - they were not a very supportive team when I was trying to conceive). And, I only met one RE. After I met him, I knew I didn't need to look anywhere else.

O.  Ovarian quality: Good!

P.  POAS (pee on a stick) or wait for period: When I first started trying to conceive, I'd POAS every month. After a few months of that, I stopped wasting money on those tests. In fact, I don't think I had any home pregnancy tests in my house for like 1-1/2 years. I didn't POAS with my first IVF, but for some reason, I did with my FET. I don't know where that push came from, but I'm glad I did. It put me out of misery for 5 days before my Beta!

Q.  Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Complaints about their kids (on Facebook, sometimes). It's hard to read that because I know a ton of infertile women who would (and do!) give anything for that.

S.  Sperm: Aaron has lots of them...170 million with his last semen analysis. His morphology, on the other hand, is no bueno, with 99% being abnormal. His motility is also borderline.

T.  Time you tried naturally: We tried naturally for 1 year, then I did a few months on Clomid (with mid-cycle sonogram monitoring), had an HSG done, had a laparosocpy, hysteroscopy and D&C done, tried naturally a few more months until we met with our RE after about 2 years of trying to conceive. After Aaron's sperm quality was discovered, it was rock and roll time and we moved onto testing, etc. for IVF and then our FET.

U.  Uterus quality: Good!

V.  Vagina: What does this have to do with infertility? I'm a girl. I have one. Yes.

W.  What baby stuff do you still have? A buttload of baby girl clothes. Baby girl bedding (from Ella). We kept Ella's old highchair, pack-n-play, crib, jumper, swing, etc. but a few of those things are going to be replaced because Ella used the heck out of them. :)

X. X-tra X-tra...hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? A select few know everything. But, my blog really opened my journey up to everybody. :)

Y. Yearly exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I needed to go a few months ago for my annual papsmear, so I'm sure my new OB-GYN is going to perform one of those after he hears that. :)

Z. Zits: Surprisingly, I haven't gotten much during this pregnancy. (I hope I didn't just jinx that!).

Excitement and Nerves

Our first ultrasound is in a couple hours and I'm so nervous! I'm also very excited, but the nerves are getting in the way of allowing me to totally soak in the excitement of today.

Today marks the first day we get to see our baby!

But, my nerves are telling me today can also go down in the books as an awful day. A day we were supposed to see our baby for the first time.

Infertility has soured so many sweet experiences for me.

I should walk into my doctor's office today with a confident smile on my face and leave the past 2-1/2 years of pain at the door.

And, you know what...that is exactly what I'm going to do!

Take that, infertility! You've taken away so many years and months of my life, but you will not take away the next 7-1/2 months of my pregnancy. These months belong to me, my family and our growing jelly bean!

Blessings

This song brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Walking through infertility brings more questions than answers, more pain than joy, more tears than smiles.



But, what if it is those unanswered questions that are God's blessings on us?

What if the pain we are enduring is only because God knows the joy that is coming?

What if all our tears are not forsaken, but instead are blessings in disguise? Each tear that has glazed our cheeks has not been in vain.

God hears every spoken word, cried out in anger or humbly whispered, and even if His answer is not as we would hope, His blessing is still there. He knows what he's doing, even if we feel lost, confused and angry.

Our infertility is a blessing, whether we are able to see it now or not. The painful trials God places in our lives are not for no reason at all. There is a perfect reason behind our seemingly imperfect situations, and we just have to open our eyes to see the blessings.

And, even though I'm typing this as a now pregnant woman, my heart is still that of an infertile woman. All that time fighting the fight isn't forgotten the second two lines appear. Infertility changes a woman, and I am trying to be living proof that it can change a woman for the better.

I am blessed. I am so very blessed.

I was blessed even before I became pregnant.

I Will Never Give Up

Even though this baby is not truly a "someone" yet, there is not a day that passes I don't think about him/her. I will never give up until this baby is in my arms. Be it naturally, through infertility treatment or adoption, I will never give up.

Only God knows when and how this baby will come to be, but I know our dream will come true.

Someday.

Somehow.

It will happen.

And until it does, I will not give up.

Love Trumps Understanding

Nothing new to report over here. Tomorrow is my third day of Estrace, and I'm just keeping on the routine of taking two tablets in the morning and two at night (which has been amazingly hard to remember!) until my monitoring sonogram next Monday, at which point, my protocol may change a bit.

Tomorrow I also start the Estrace vaginal inserts. I haven't done these before, but I realize a lot of women having gone through ART cycles have, so I know I can do it! And, honestly, I'm willing to do anything to get pregnant! I think I've already proven that, though, haven't I? :)

I don't have any plans this weekend, other than enjoying time with Aaron and Ella. I love weekends where the only plans made are those of no plans!

Aaron is trying to keep me level (or, in other words...sane!). He's trying to read my emotions and keep me relaxed and happy. He, of all people, knows me so well and knows the roller coaster I'm on (up and down and up and down...).

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

I overheard Aaron praying out loud (with the intention for me to hear) for God to help me remember that he's on this roller coaster, too. That I'm not alone. He makes me smile with his discreetly obvious efforts to get through to me. :)

And really, sometimes I forget that he wants this baby just as bad as me. Sometimes I forget that he's walking side-by-side with me on this journey.

And, when I remember that he's right there with me, I feel so much better. A weight is literally lifted off my shoulders and I feel release.

Aaron really helped me earlier this week as I was battling emotions. I want people to understand the pain I'm feeling, but yet, I feel powerless to gaining that understanding.

Aaron put it best...

He said that when a person goes overseas to fight in a war for a couple years and returns to the life waiting for him, there are expectations for him to crawl right back into where he left off. However, despite that the life he left two years back hasn't changed, his perception of life has. Two years at war took a hold of his heart and changed him.

He's a different person, whether the family and friends he returns home to can truly understand it. They can sympathize and quite possibly empathize with this change, but grasping a complete understanding of the new man may be near impossible.

That is how I feel an infertile woman is. Even though it's not an overseas war she is fighting, it is still an inner battle. And there is absolutely no way a woman can go through a couple years of infertility without being changed in some way. And this change is one that might not come with understanding from people that cannot truly relate.

I know the person I am today is not the person I was 2-1/2 years ago. The battle I've been fighting - the tears, the screams, the pain, the sadness - they have changed me into, quite possibly, someone who cannot fully be understood and related to. I'm still the same person, but infertility has made some deep changes in me. (And, I hope this goes without saying, but not all these changes are bad...some are very good!).

So, maybe, instead of looking to people for understanding as a means of feeling connected, I need to embrace the love they are openly giving me. Even though they cannot completely relate, it's okay! Because what they can give - love - is so much richer. Love has no criteria or condition upon which it is formed. It just is. And, although being understood is a good feeling, being loved trumps it by a mile.

Hope vs. Fear

I have an addictive personality. Aaron, being my psychologically-minded husband, has always pointed this out to me. When I like something, I like something A LOT! When I want something, I want something A LOT! When I don't like something, I don't like something A LOT! You get the picture.

Combining my addictive personality with my stubbornness makes it so that what I like/want/don't like becomes a bigger part of my life than necessary (or even healthy!).

As a result of this part of my personality, infertility has consumed me in a big way. I want a baby so bad that I eat, sleep and drink the idea of this baby. It didn't start out like this, though. I remember how fun and exciting it was when we first started trying to conceive our second child! My mind wasn't focused on if I was ovulating or not. It wasn't focused on anything related to getting pregnant, other than the excitement of when it'll happen. I was so convinced I was pregnant each month that I'd take home pregnancy tests, even before my period was due! I was so confident! I was so ready! But as the months turned into years, my mind shifted focus.

My readiness to have another baby turned into worry.

My addiction surfaced.

I became addicted to knowing everything I can know about infertility. What helps a couple conceive? What myths hold to be true? What are the statistics? What did "she" do to get pregnant? What if I try this? What if I eat this? What if I take these vitamins?

I searched for all those answers, but in October of last year, after over two years of focusing on me being the cause of infertility, we discovered Aaron's non-baby-making sperm is the problem and that we'd likely not conceive naturally again. Still breaks my heart (over and over again!) knowing this. :(

And, after receiving that news, my mind shifted. I forced to see the good in the situation, and although knowing the cause for our infertility is comforting, knowing the only answer to having a shot of getting pregnant is through spending thousands and thousands of dollars.

And so, my addiction ensues.

And I'm afraid this addiction will never stop until I have my baby. And that scares me because there's a chance (even though I'm afraid to admit it) that our family of three will remain a family of three.

I am constantly living in an emotional cycle of hope and fear. These two emotions are constantly battling inside me. Having hope definitely feels better and makes this journey so much easier, but fear always manages to creep into my mind.

When I have hope, my addiction subsides. Peace settles in where all the "what ifs?" once were. When I have fear, though, my addiction resurfaces. I research, I question, I doubt, I think (constantly). My thoughts consume me.

I need to stop thinking. I need to just be. I need to live an addiction-free life.

Lots of Bumps to My Baby Bump

I know someday I'll be pregnant. In my heart of hearts, I know that someday this journey will come to an end and my baby will no longer be a dream, but a tangible reality that I can cuddle, love on and devote myself to (other than my sweetheart, Ella, of course).

All the bumps I've experienced the past 2-1/2 years will lead to the ultimate bump. The bump I yearn for. My baby bump! :)

And even though each bump to this baby bump seems to get progressively harder to endure, I know that, in the end, everything will be fine. If it's not fine, then it's not the end!

Each bump, metaphorically, is like a mountain. Standing on top of a mountain allows me to see things I would not be able to see when in a comfortable, non-challenging, pain-free life. You see, even though infertility has brought us so much pain and doubt, it has also given us the opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to so much more than we could've imagined. The bumps along the road have allowed us to become better, stronger, unstoppable. Infertility is my own personal Mt. Everest, but imagine life's view from the earth's tallest point? Catch my drift?

Have any of you heard the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns?

The song starts off with the lyrics, "She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


I used to relate to those lyrics. I used to be that girl. The Bobbi 2-1/2 years ago is not the Bobbi today. The Bobbi today is stronger, and all of that strength has come from my relationship with God.

My faith is infinitely growing, and, in turn, Aaron and Ella's faith is growing too. God is a daily part of our lives now. We talk about Him, we pray together. He has become more of a focal point in our everyday going ons, and the more I focus on Him, the more peace I feel that He sees the bigger picture and that He will provide for our family. It's absolutely amazing how God has transformed our lives through this thing called infertility.

The song ends with the lyrics, "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


God was chasing me (and still is!). So long as I live in a broken world, He will always need to chase me. But, now I am more open to hearing His calling and living a life pleasing to Him. I can honestly say if Aaron and I conceived our second child as easily as we did Ella, our relationship with God would not be as strong as it is today. God knew infertility would be a necessary means to achieving this relationship.

That doesn't mean I have wholeheartedly accepted our situation, though. I still have moments of hopelessness and even anger, but each bump along our journey has made me stronger than every yesterday. In hindsight, each bump has blessed us, not hindered us. Even though going through a failed IVF cycle has been one of the lowest points in my life, I know I serve a faithful God, and He is and will continually use the relentless beating down of infertility to transform our lives for the better.

Infertility is so, so hard. No woman should be withheld from being a mom that so desperately wants to be one. But, I think a woman that becomes a mom, after having gone through years of infertility, has something special. Something that fertile women don't have. It's this underlying beauty. Just as a near death experience may awaken somebody to see life's true beauty, infertility has awakened me to see motherhood's true beauty. My baby will bring me to my knees in the deepest, most awesome appreciation ever. My entire soul will scream with delight. My heart will seriously burst with so much love that it will hurt. Infertility has opened me up to such depths.

So, I guess all that I have left to say is...

I CAN'T WAIT! :)

Worthy of Reposting

Written by an unknown author, I feel this story is worthy of reposting (originally posted on August 2, 2010). If you are struggling with infertility, soak in the truth in this excerpt. The message is beautiful, and even though I'm already a mom, secondary infertility has brought a whole new level of appreciation for Ella and motherhood.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

So Desperate to See Two Lines

This morning I peed on an OPK (ovulation predictor kit), even though I'm 11dpo (11 days post ovulation), for two reasons. First, because I've heard that if you have a positive OPK after ovulation, there's a chance you are pregnant, and I thought, "What the heck?" And second, because I was so desperate. My soul needed to see two lines and I knew the only way I could is to use an OPK, even if it's a mere facade of what could be.

A woman usually sees two lines on an OPK at any point during her cycle - the test line just varies in shade with it being darkest with the LH surge just prior to ovulation. That is when it's considered positive.

And, this morning, I needed to see those two lines. I was desperate to just witness what two lines look like!

I craved peeing on a stick, granted it's not a HPT (home pregnancy test), and actually watch as two lines come into visibility. Rather than one simple line looking back at me with disappointment that there's no buddy with it in the display screen. Disappointed that it, yet again, has to look back at sad tears rolling down my face, rather than tears of I'm-going-to-pass-out-because-my-body-is-filled-with-too-much-joy tears.

So, I dug out an old OPK in the bathroom drawer and peed on a stick. Within seconds I saw the two lines I needed to see (the test line was lighter, so please don't start thinking I'm pregnant!). And even though those two lines mean absolutely nothing, other than that I have LH in my body (which is normal), my heart started beating fast.

I thought to myself, so this is what it looks like. (I've kind forgotten since the last one I've seen was over 5 years ago). This is the vision my eyes will be laid on when I experience one of the happiest moments of my life.

But after the "excitement" of seeing two lines wore away, I started to cry. A lot.

I cried because I'm just so sick and tired of it not being my time.

I cried out for God to help me remember my time will come and, in the meantime, to find peace. The peace that I was slowly starting to feel, but in an instant lost.

That instant was yesterday when the hidden secret was revealed that our best friends are pregnant with their second child. They wanted to tell me all along, but with the emotional strain of our IVF cycle failing, they didn't want to add to my aching heart. So, because of such, they (and Aaron) hid their surprise from me for months, of which they just found out yesterday their beautiful daughter, who is not even two years old, is going to have a little brother.

And, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not as selfish as I sound. I am happy for them. I really am.

But that happiness for them doesn't take away from the sadness for our situation. They have conceived two babies in the amount of time we've been trying to conceive Ella's sibling. Life is so unfair sometimes, isn't it?

But, I'd never want something like our infertility and their fertility (being able to get pregnant within a month or two of trying!) to jeopardize our friendship. Nothing should come between us. And nothing will.

Lately, though, I feel like our infertility is jeopardizing my LIFE. To the point that I am so desperate to find that happiness that I think only a positive pregnancy test will give me, that I pee on a stick that will just give me false indications of hope.

And that is what Matt and Danielle did. They kept the joy of their pregnancy a secret from me to make me feel better. They withheld news of their pregnancy out of respect for my situation.

So selfless of them and so selfish of me.

Bad Experiences Gone Worse

I do not like going to the dentist, but usually it's not such a horrible experience. I walk out with sore gums, squeaky clean teeth and a no cavity report.

This week's appointment, however, was different.

Even though it ended the same with the sore gums, squeaky clean teeth and a no cavity report, I left with a sinking heart.

While laying there with my mouth gaped open at the dental hygienist's disposal, I heard two women in the next room, only separated by a 3/4 wall, discussing their pregnancies. I couldn't understand how a patient could talk so much, considering she should be getting her teeth cleaned, but nonetheless, almost the entire time I was there, they were talking.

One was having a girl.

The other a boy.

The one pregnant with a girl has a 2-year old daughter at home.

The boy is the other woman's first child. She and her new husband were "not trying, but not not trying," and bata boom bata bing. Pregnancy!

They talked about all areas of their pregnancies and I had the privilege to lay there with no means of deafening the joyful conversation between the two women.

While my sensitive teeth were being sprayed with cold water, I was forced to listen to them.

And then today, I had an appointment with my optometrist. I brought Ella with me, and I don't know why people insist on asking if she's my only one, but they do! I don't know why! Perhaps it's a normal question to ask, but I'm just ultra sensitive to it. In any case, I just do a quick, "Yup" response in hopes that they'd drop it.

Anyway, Ella grew fond of the assistant helping me. She started talking about her daughter who did things similar to Ella, so, of course, I asked how old she was. She said, "Oh, well. I have a 2-year old and 8-month old twin girls too."

And, then, like any proud mama would do, she begins talking to me about her three girls. A lot.

She then left Ella and me alone to wait for the optometrist, who shortly came in and performed the eye exam. After the exam, she started talking with Ella and proceeded to ask, "Is she your only one?"

I'm seriously going to start wearing a shirt when I go in public that reads, "Ask if Ella's my only child and it might be the last question you ever ask!" Okay, I'm not violent, but sometimes, screaming does feel like an appropriate release for me.

So, of course, I said, "Yes. She's it!"

Then, my optometrist starts talking about her 2-year old twins.

To both the assistant and optometrist I wanted to say, "Yeah, I was pregnant with twins, but I lost them," but instead, I smiled with my freshly cleaned teeth and acted like I was completely interested and not at all suffering from a broken infertile heart.

Acceptance

Acceptance.

That's all I have to say for right now.

My Resolve for 2011

This is the traditional post of my New Year's resolutions. I feel pushed to write this post because I want to document how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.

So much has happened this past year that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. My surgeries, the drugs, the tests, the failed IUI and lastly, the failed IVF. It wasn't until we reached over 2 years of trying to conceive that it was discovered our infertility was a result of male infertility factor. With Aaron's sperm having 99% abnormal morphology, our only chance of conceiving is IVF (with ICSI). We were confident going into our first IVF cycle, but brokenhearted and numb coming out of it.

But, now that we know the cause of our infertility, we can move forward with certainty. I no longer need to have tests run on me. Everything checks out with me. And, for that, I'm thankful!

And even though everything checks out with me and all my women parts are doing what they are supposed to, so much of me still does not check out.

My soul is bruised.

My body is unrecognizable.

My mind is blurred.

So, for 2011, I resolve to fix all that. I resolve to:

Let go and let God. The only way to find peace as we continue on this journey is to stop trying to control what so clearly is not something I can control. My soul is bruised because I bring myself down. I don't allow peace to overcome me. I refuse to welcome God's plan to work in my life because it does not match with my plan for my life. So, the more I let go and let God, the more I will find peace and heal my bruised soul.

Lose My Infertility Weight. With all the drugs, injections, emotional eating, it's no wonder I'm ending 2010 heavier than going into it. I took too seriously refraining from exercising during each two-week wait (or should I say two-week "weight"?). I didn't want to interrupt possible implantation! With the lack of exercise during that time, eventually I just stopped exercising period. So, combine that with food being my friend, I gained weight.

And, even though my RE says I'm in a healthy range for IVF, I know my BMI is at the upper end of the range, so my goal is to lower my BMI before we move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. Our FET is our last shot, as I see it, because realistically, paying for another full IVF cycle (roughly $15,000) is just not realistic for us. So, I want to go into it feeling confident that we did everything we possibly could, physically and mentally, which brings me to my next resolution.

Redirect My Mind. My mind is my worst enemy. You would think infertility is my worst enemy, but it is how I perceive my infertility that is really haunting me. It has consumed me. I feel I've missed out on so much beauty because of this darned disease. My little Ella is not so little anymore and I can't believe for over half her life, I've been in this burdening funk of not getting pregnant. I hate to think I might've missed out on some wonderful times with her because I was too preoccupied in my personal battle, so this year, and all years to come, I'm going to make the strongest effort to focus on my beautiful miracle. After all, after learning about Aaron's sperm, she truly is our miracle. :)

My husband puts it best in this poem of his New Year's resolution...

I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about now.
I'm going to spend more of next year thinking about today.
I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about us.
And I have a lot to pray about, so this next year I'm going to pray.
There were so many weeks,
I just wanted the week to end.
There were so many weeks,
That the months just blend.
So I'm going to love my life.
I will love every moment.
I'm going to love my daughter and wife.
They are my souls component.
It's time to make some changes,
So let the new year roll,
To cherish every second I'm given?
2011 I'm livin' that goal.

Happy New Year, everybody! Lets make it a good one! :)

Perspective v. Comparison

Lately I've been feeling this strong urge to write about comparison and perspective in my life.

I have always had comparison issues.

Growing up, I compared myself to my sister. I would interpret my less social personality as a fault compared to my sister's over-the-top, fearless nature of participating in and excelling in everything.

In high school, I compared my grades with those of my classmates, always wanting to excel not necessarily for myself, but to prove to others and my parents how smart I could be.

In college, I compared my body to those of the tan, plastic Barbie bodies found only in San Diego.

As a married woman, I now compare my home to other married couple's homes. I compare my relationship with Aaron to the relationships other married couples share.

As a mom, I compare my little family to the growing families of other young married couples. I look at how "together" some moms have it or how lucky some are to have 2, 3 or even 4 children, when I feel I am far from perfect as Ella's mom, and I can't even conceive a second baby!

As a Christian, I compare my faith to other's. I feel my faith is so weak and easily turned away compared to the steadfast, sturdy, unfailing faith of others. I try to live a life pleasing to God, in ways that come so easily to others, but I seem to fail time and time again.

However, perspective is different than comparison.

When comparing, I focus on what I don't have. And I see what I do have in a negative, ungrateful light. I look at what other people have, instead of being indifferent to what others have and focusing on what I have right in front of me.

In my opinion, perspective is a view of something, without a comparative nature. Someone's perspective is his or her outlook on something, without regarding outside factors to determine that outlook. For example, a color can be blue, but when next to a darker blue, by comparison, that blue now becomes a lighter blue.

My perspective on my life, without any comparison, is really, really good. I have a wonderful life!

I have a husband who loves and adores me, who will fight for me, lead me and carry me through good and bad times.

I have the most precious daughter, who literally is my beating heart walking outside my body

I have a great job that provides me with the flexible hours and experience that I need.

I have my health.

I have wonderful family that value and appreciate me.

I am a proud homeowner of a beautiful home.

And, I have my faith, no matter how big or small, it is my faith. I have a relationship with God unique to me.

Because, you see, I am lacking nothing. God has blessed me immeasurably more than I could've ever imagined or ever deserved, but yet I still want more. What is wrong with me???

I have to stop looking resentfully at others because that means I'm falling into the all too familiar zone of comparing. I need to step out of this zone, take a deep breath, and maintain a strong perspective of my beautiful life.

Because, really, I have a beautiful life.

Not for the Faint of Heart

Tonight I started my stimulation injections. So, instead of one shot each night, I have three!

My Lupron has dropped to 5 IU, which hopefully will make me a little less neurotically emotional (no joke!) and will also hopefully help with the headaches! Tylenol, even Extra Strength Tylenol, does not help whatsoever. I'm looking forward to a day without a headache, but if daily headaches means a little peanut, then bring on the migraines!

Here's a picture of what I've been injecting myself with the past 10 days.

That little needle used for the Lupron isn't too bad, but it still manages to leave me bruised.

After the Lupron shot, Aaron prepped the 75 IU of Menopur. Menopur comes in powder form, so Aaron has to mix 75 IU of Menopur with 10 mL of Sodium Chlorine.

These are vials with the pre-mixed Menopur and Sodium Chlorine, five of each in each set.

Aaron drawing the 10 mL of Sodium Chlorine...

...and then mixing it with the 75 IU of Menopur.

That is one massive needle, which luckily is not the needle used to inject me with. That one is used to mix the Menopur with Sodium Chlorine.

This is needle used to inject me. During this injection, I was amazed with how much it stung as the medicine slowly entered my body...and I mean, slowly. It seemed to take forever! Luckily, Aaron did a bit of research and knew the Menopur injection would sting, so when I started squeezing his hand (not the one holding the needle!) due to the pain, he reassured me it was normal. What a relief! I likely would've freaked out a bit longer thinking something was wrong.

Next, we moved onto the Follistim injections. Using the Follistim Pen was so easy! 

All we had to do was stick the vial into the pen.

Turn the dial until it clicked to 150 IU.

And, WA LA! All ready! :)

And, last but not least, I have to start taking 81 mg of Aspirin every night as a blood thinner.

Sorry if the pictures of the needles left you feeling uneasy or queasy, but hey...it's my blog, and I thought it'd be nice to share with you all exactly what I go through every night. Definitely not a fun night time routine, but it's only temporary and I will get pregnant as a result! I have to keep telling myself that.

Reproductive Organ Massage

Okay, friends! I need your opinion or experience. My acpuncturist is encouraging for me to have a reproductive organ massage. When reading about it, the massage sounds like a good idea, but when I look at the cost, I naturally reconsider how important it is.

The massage costs $50 for a 30-minute session and $85 for a 50-minute session.

I'm already forking out extra for acupuncture treatment because I feel that can be beneficial, even if not necessarily statistically, but at least it'll help reduce stress in my body as I go through a very stressful time.

But, a reproductive organ massage? I had never even heard of this!

So, that leaves me with a big question mark stamped on my foreheard that I hope some of you can erase for me.

Have any of my fellow infertiles had one done? Have you heard of someone having one done? What is your experience? Even if you have no experience, what is your opinion?

Thanks, everyone! I value all of your input! :)

Guest Post by My Husband

This post has been a long time coming. I've thought about writing it more times than I can remember, more times than I'd like to count. Every time I sit down on a computer, it's all about me and what "I" want to do with that time. My wife, on the other hand, my lovely, amazing wife has talked about "us" and "me" on her blog so many times that I would have to write a dozen posts just to cover half of them. So, this post is not going to have any pictures, just words. It's a reminder to my better half that, I, too, have thoughts, feelings, and insecurities about certain things we go through. Really, it's to show her I care, no matter how few people actually read this. It's for her.

I can't tell you exactly what the experience has been like going through this infertility thing. Before IVF, I could have told you that infertility meant nothing to me. It was a word without emotion, without feeling, without pain. There was no anger, no feeling of failure, and no tears. There was no guilt, no sadness, no dark and dreary days.

Up until that point in time, around the time we started realizing that this infertility 'thing' was tightening it's grip on our reality, life had been void of this word. Now, our life seems consumed by it...no, no, that's not it. My wife IS consumed by it. The very word is like a virus in this world for those who are trying to create a family, and there is no cure because it is "unexplained." (This is Bobbi now...lots of times infertility is explained (such as our infertility being a result of Aaron's abnormal sperm morphology), there is typically a reason why couples cannot conceive on their own, but I think what Aaron was trying to get at is there is no explanation as to why some couples have no trouble conceiving and others simply cannot).

Back when this all started, a little over 2 years ago, I was the one who initially made us wait. I was the one who said, "Honey, it can wait. We will get pregnant in no time, so what's the rush?" Bobbi on the other hand, a person whose heart and soul and very fiber of being was and still is predestined to have children and be a mommy, wanted kids probably much sooner than when I gave the go-ahead two years ago.

Now, if you know me well, you would know that one thing I like to say is: Have no regrets. Life is short. Be patient. Time will tell. Let's see what happens. Blah blah blah, Bobbi's heard these words a million times and I'm now starting to wonder how awful it is to hear those kinds of things from me. I mean, COME ON we shoulda been pregnant by now right? I guess not, and do I have regrets? For me, to wish to go back in time and change something, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's, have begun to dig like a nail in my brain.

What if we'd started trying right after Ella was born? Why was I so stubborn? What was I scared of? Was Bobbi right and I was wrong? Was God talking to Bobbi and not me? Did I do what was right by trying to wait? All of these questions are valueless and pointless and ridiculous because we have what we have: a baby girl named Ella, who is now 4 years older and not getting any younger. Fault? There is none, but it goes without saying that you can't help but look in the past and wish things went different. You can't help but wonder certain things, and those thoughts all stem from one single one word: Infertility.

My wife has been through the ultimate white-water rapids carnival. Picture floating down a quiet, bubbling stream. There's nothing but flowing fields of wheat on both sides, and mountains in the back grounds. You can't see too far in the distance, because you're totally distracted by what's right in front of you. A little while down the stream, you see signs of change. Not change that is necessarily bad, just change...like the quickening pace of water, or maybe you hear a slight but steady roar in the distance ahead. Then the water gets faster, and you have no oars to slow you down so all you do is speed up, unable to control the direction or anything else for that matter. You become scared, weary, and you want to grab for someone or something but no one is there to help.

This has been infertility for Bobbi, and I have not always been there during the white-water rapids trip downstream. I have tried to be there, but let's face it. Guys and Girls are so different that it's impossible to put in words. Sure there are similarities, but overall we do not see things the same way. Trust me, I've tried taking over that raft and finding ways to control it as it meanders downstream, but once it gets going it doesn't stop...especially if all you've ever wanted is the one thing you can't have: another baby.

In the last two years, I've learned a lot. It would be difficult to say who I've learned more about; Bobbi or me. One thing is true, when a girl can't have what a girl wants, there's bound to be some emotions involved that not only are difficult to bare, but even more difficult to understand and relate to.

I've always thought I was a pretty sensitive guy! I cry at movies, I feel bad for people in all kinds of instances, I listen and I give input. I always try to help people. But sometimes, as I'm sure happens more often than any guy would care to admit, I think I give myself more credit than I deserve. I cannot tell you how many arguments, fights, spiffs we've had in these past two years SIMPLY BECAUSE WE DID NOT UNDERSTAND EACH OTHERS POINTS OF VIEW! Not that I'm counting either, because I hate it when we don't get along. I can't stand it when we don't see eye-to-eye, so at what point to you give in and allow yourself to appreciate the other person's feelings, emotions, opinions and points of view? Why is control in a marriage such an issue? Because we are afraid of losing it, or at least losing the perception of having it.

And I honestly don't want people who read this to think we don't get along, or that we don't agree on things. Our marriage is a ten-fold stronger than it was in our first year of marriage. We give in to each other, we make decisions together, and most importantly we appreciate and love each other to a degree that's immeasurable. And yet, the fact remains that we have both been on different "rafts on the stream," or maybe, until lately, I wasn't even on the stream at all. I've been trying...my hardest.

I have become slightly, if not quite a bit, more religious. I still have my questions and doubts, if that's what you want to call them, but I have an urge to believe...not only because I fear not believing, but because if there isn't someone like Him, than who is in charge? And I believe more now than ever because Bobbi believes so strongly, even after the stream of infertility has nearly flipped her raft over so many countless and painful times.

So to say the least, I am scared about IVF. Not because it's a lot of money, or even because it's the last option to have our own baby. I'm scared because I don't know how the stream will end, or where it will take us. I don't know for sure who's in control, if anyone is, but I can honestly say that at least, now, Bobbi and I are on the same raft. One thing that keeps me calm is hope...the cure for this infertility, the oars to the raft, the mountains in the background and the person sitting beside me.

It's Go Time!

I started my period this morning. A part of me is disappointed. I always have hope, despite the slim to none chance that we'd successfully conceive on our own. But hey, we have Ella, so miracles do exist! :)

Aaron told me that if someone looked up the definition of unbelievable in the dictionary, it would say, "Trying to get pregnant for 26 months and getting pregnant the cycle before IVF." I couldn't agree more!

After I noticed I started my period, I quietly told myself, "It's go time!"

So, my first steps are to go in for blood work on Friday and then start the birth control pill the same day. I'm not sure how long Dr. Weckstein will be keeping me on the pill. Originally, I was going to stay on it up until shortly before Thanksgiving, but that may change a bit since my period came late.

Either way, I'm ready! I really am! Do you remember all the posts where I was so unsure about when I'd be ready or if I'd ever be ready! Well, I finally feel at peace with moving forward with IVF.

It goes without saying, though, that despite being ready, we're still very nervous. But even more so than nerves and anxiety, we are filled with hope! We have hope that God will use IVF to bless us with another baby. We have hope that it'll work the first time. We have hope that this will mark the end of our infertility chapter and we can (finally!) move onto the next chapters of our lives...PREGNANCY and then BABY!

Lately, Ella has been telling me she wants a brother and sister. She brought Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh) and a pink My Little Pony to me, and said, "Mommy, because I don't have a brother and sister, Eeyore will be my pretend brother and Pony will be my pretend sister." It nearly broke my heart.

Our infertility has had such a huge impact on our lives, but sometimes I forget how big of an impact it must be having on Ella, too. She understands we only have her, whereas all her friends at school have sibling(s). She sees at ballet that she doesn't have a brother or sister watching her twirl around. She sees. She knows. She wants a buddy to play with, a friend to care for, someone to get in trouble with. Sometimes it makes me so sad to see her playing all by herself in the backyard or playing quietly in her bedroom all alone. She deserves to have a sibling. She deserves to feel that joy! Sometimes I feel so guilty for not being able to give her one, despite our relentless efforts. But I know God has His hand in all of this, so I must remain faithfully reassured in His plan with our lives.

So, there you have it! We're all ready! It's going to be an emotionally draining, physically wearing, spiritually growing, prayerfully meditating, crazily unpredictable 6 to 7 weeks, but we've been waiting long enough for this and it's time! :)

Aaron is NOT a Cystic Fibrosis Carrier

I got the call yesterday! Aaron's results are in from his blood work. Aaron is not a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis!!!

Can I tell you how happy and relieved we are?!?!? Sooooooo happy!!! :)

I immediately called Aaron, knowing full well he was in the middle of teaching, but he needed to know. It was something I know we both have been wondering ever since I was diagnosed as a carrier. If we were both carriers, it would've changed a lot of things. It would've made our road to IVF a lot more windy and drawn out (not to include, expensive!) with gene therapy. But, now...we finally know. :)

And, as you probably guessed, this is the last of what needed to be in order to proceed with our IVF cycle. So, with that, I plan on starting the birth control pill (the first step of any IVF cycle) in early November, a couple days after I start my period (that is if I start my period - we still tried to conceive this cycle, even with the almost nonexistent chance that we'd create a baby naturally). Hey, like I've said before, God can create miracles out of 0% chance!

So, needless the say, the IVF ball is rolling and gaining more momentum day by day! We're excited, nervous, anxious, scared, happy, hopeful, uncertain...the list goes on! We are a plethora of emotions, but trying to take each step of the journey as it comes and not getting ahead of ourselves. We are continually leaning on each other and God for support, encouragement and stability. And, although my future as a mother of two is uncertain, my life in my husband, my daughter, and my God are certain. :)