Lame Blogger Award

I don't know what my deal is! I used to blog religiously at least every other night. I would look forward to when Ella went to sleep, so that I could sit at my laptop and let my thoughts flow. I would get so excited!

Now, not so much.

And even though I still have that same passion about blogging, I'm just having a hard time seeing it through!

I used to think it's due to my pregnancy. And yes, during my first trimester, I was lacking motivation for obvious reasons. I was exhausted and sick. All. The. Time.

But, now I'm in my "energetic trimester" (and I do have energy back!), yet, I'm still unable to blog more than my weekly pregnancy update.

Can you say, "Lame????"

So, for that reason, I am awarding myself the Lame Blogger Award.

I really hope I get my writing groove back. I don't want to force myself to write. I don't want blogging to become a responsibility because then it'll become a negative. I just hope my creativity decides to show itself again. I want blogging to become that positive in my life again.

Okay, that's it for now. :)

16 Weeks

How Far Along: 16 weeks!

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of an avocado!

Picture of Baby: I will hopefully have one to share after my ultrasound on July 5th.

16 Weeks: Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, Baby Johnson will double his/her weight and add inches to his/her length. Right now, he/she is about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His/her legs are much more developed, his/her head is more erectthan it has been, and his/her eyes have moved closer to the front of his/her head. His/Her ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his/her scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He/She is even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his/her heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop. (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Maternity Clothes: Completely all that I wear!

Weight Gain: Still down 5 pounds.

Belly Pic: I don't really feel like taking a picture, so here's a picture taken this past week when we went to Yosemite. Ella's about to jump off the boulder and I'm giving her space, while ready to pounce on her if anything goes wrong. :)

Stretch Marks: None from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: Good nights and bad nights. I'm consistently waking up around 4:00 in the morning, and not able to fall back asleep very easily.

Best Moment of the Week: Best moment was probably going to Yosemite as a "family of four."

Movement: Baby moved A LOT this week!!! Constant flutters that are starting to feel more solid. I keep telling Aaron any day now he'll be able to feel him/her move. I can't wait!

Symptoms: Nauseau...still. But, not nearly as bad. Oh, and heartburn, at night especially, has been bothering me. But, other than that, I'm good!

Food Cravings: Nothing too noticeable.

Gender: We'll have a definitive answer on July 5th! :)

What I Miss: Morning coffee.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Finding out the baby's gender (for sure)!

Weekly Wisdom: Listen to your body, and don't be ashamed! While hiking in Yosemite, I rested and hydrated myself whenever I felt like I needed to. If I didn't, I would start feeling lightheaded.

Milestones: Nothing extraordinary this week. Just getting through yet another week, which means I'm one more week closer to meeting this little bean!

Emotions: I feel good. I feel happy.

What's Been Keeping Me Busy

This past week has been busy for me. Busy doing what?

Rehearsals and recitals for Ella's dance!

This was the first time Ella took a ballet/tap class through an actual dance studio (her two previous classes were 10-week programs offered through the City). I never knew how big of an endeavor the performing week is, so I went into it blindly. But, boy, my eyes are opened now.

I volunteered to help with the girls for the dress rehearsal and the first recital, which was a lot of fun, but also exhausting. Dealing with seven 4-5 year olds while pregnant took all my energy, but I'm glad I was there for Ella. She definitely has her spurts of shyness that I feel the need to mend to. After all, if Aaron and I try to open her up and try new things, we need to be soft with her when she feels a little uncomfortable. We can't expect too much from her. Plus, if she has half of me in her (the queen of shyness), I know how she feels and I want to be there for her. Be her anchor of confidence to let her know she can do it!

And, she proved that over and over again this past week! She rocked that stage! She tipped and tapped her little heart away, and I couldn't be more proud!

So, I will leave you with some pictures of my little dancing cutie pie!

All ready for her dress rehearsal!

Posing for some pictures Thursday evening before that night's recital.

Pictures from Thursday night's recital.

All ready for Saturday's recital!

Pictures from Saturday's recital.

And, last but not least, a couple pictures taken after Saturday's recital.

Last week was busy, but simply wonderful. Ella shines, pure and simple, and I am just the proudest mama. I am so proud of the little girl she is becoming.

Now, to decide what dance class to enroll her in for the Fall! :)

15 Weeks

How Far Along: 15 weeks!

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of an orange!

Picture of Baby: None. :(

15 Weeks: Baby Johnson now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces. He/She is busy moving amniotic fluid through his/her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in his/her lungs begin to develop. His/Her legs are growing longer than his/her arms now, and he/she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although his/her eyelids are still fused shut, he/she can sense light. If I shine a flashlight at my tummy, for instance, he/she is likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for Baby Johnson to taste at this point, but he/she is forming taste buds. (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Maternity Clothes: I went shopping with my mom this past weekend. Finally! I got a handful of shirts and two pairs of capris. I'm set! :)

Weight Gain: Because I had a rough week keeping stuff down, I lost the pound that I gained. So, still down roughly 5 to 6 pounds. Once the sickness is gone for good, I'm sure the upward climb will officially begin. Can't wait (not!).

Belly Pic: I felt weird taking a belly pic by myself with my iMac in front of Aaron, so he jumped in and we got a goofy pic of us both laughing. :)

Stretch Marks: None from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: I'm sleeping pretty good. If I wake up, it's hard to fall back asleep. And, I think the heat is playing a role in how well I'm sleeping.

Best Moment of the Week: Ella asking me about the baby. All. The. Time. Rubbing my belly. Giving my belly kisses. She's already being such a loving big sister.

Movement: The baby has been moving less this week. That doesn't make me too happy. I still feel some sort of fluttering everyday, but not nearly as much as I was a couple weeks ago. When I poke at him/her, he/she sometimes rolls around, as if to say, "Mom, stop waking me up!" :)

Symptoms: My nausea re-surfaced this week. Big time. I'm so tired of throwing up! :(

Food Cravings: Nothing too noticeable.

Gender: We'll have a definitive answer on July 5th! :)

What I Miss: Feeling un-nauseaus.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Finding out the baby's gender (for sure)!

Weekly Wisdom: Drink lots and lots of water, especially when the weather gets warmer.

Milestones: Getting through my second episode of spotting. Yes, you heard right (and I didn't blog about this yet), but a few days ago, I had some brown spotting. It didn't last long, but it freaked me out. My OB-GYN had warned me that I had some old blood behind my uterus and that I should expect spotting, but he told me that 6 weeks ago, so I figured it wasn't going to happen. I just laid on the couch, prayed, kept my emotions in check (kind of), and when I woke up the next morning, there was nothing in sight. Even though I felt everything was fine (especially since I'm into my second trimester), a pregnant woman can't help but worry whenever she sees blood.

Emotions: Just grateful. As I continue to read blogs about women still trying to conceive, I really see how blessed I truly am. God has been so good to me, and I'm continuously praying for every woman who so desires to be a mom, to be given such a blessing.

From Praying to Praising

During our infertility, I sought God with all my heart. My relationship with Him strengthened, despite our unfortunate circumstance. I sought Him, I found Him, and now He is a more active part in my life. In my family's life. God knew what he was doing bringing infertility into our lives. We needed such a struggle to open our eyes to see how badly we needed Him.

I used to relentlessly pray and pray, looking for answers, trying to understand. I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed. I was desperate to hear the booming voice of peace and truth tell me that everything was going to be okay.

And, even though I truly believed that God was in control, I still couldn't wrap my mind around why He would not allow us to have another kid. Why would He would stop us from experiencing such joy?

Despite being pregnant now, my mind still wanders to those days and nights of uncontrollable tears. The depression. The sadness. The unknowing of what is to come.

Those emotions will never be erased from my memory. My struggles will never be forgotten. They molded me into the woman of God I am today, to the mom I am today, and to the wife I am today. Even though I would never care to admit it, my infertility did make me a better, stronger person.

Would I feel that way if my womb was still empty?

Probably not, because I'd still be battling with myself and God.

So, now, rather than praying and praying, I spend more time praising and praising. I am constantly giving thanks. I am constantly lifting my arms up in undeserving gratitude. I am smiling more. And, I am  finally seeing the bigger picture.

But, lately, what I'm having a hard time accepting is that even though I talk all this talk about my faith being stronger and feeling closer to God, my faith still so weak. Obviously my faith is not that strong since my happiness has proven to be circumstantial. Becoming pregnancy completely shifted my heart. I am so much happier now than I was while still trying to conceive. But, why did it take for me to "get my way" to find this happiness?

As a Christian, shouldn't I always be able to find this happiness? Shouldn't I happily accept the way my life unfolds, since it is God's provision? Shouldn't I be more trusting in His plan for my life, even if it means for things to not go my way? Shouldn't I willingly give up my plan for His plan?

I guess I'm just rambling and trying to work out these feelings. All I know is that I'm infinitely grateful for God's blessings in my life. He entrusted me with Ella and now a second child. Wow!

I am humbled. So very humbled.

14 Weeks

How Far Along: 14 weeks!

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of a lemon!

Picture of Baby: Since a lot of you had trouble viewing the ultrasound video I posted earlier, here it is again. I embedded it differently, so this should work for you all.

14 Weeks: This week's big developments: Baby Johnson can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his/her facial muscles are getting a workout as his/her tiny features form one expression after another. His/her kidneys are producing urine, which he/she releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he/she will keep up until birth.

In other news: Baby Johnson's stretching out. From head to bottom, he/she measures 3 1/2 inches —about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His/her body's growing faster than his/her head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his/her arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his/her body. (His/her legs still have some lengthening to do.).  (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Maternity Clothes: Still need to buy. I keep wearing the same clothes over and over and over again.

Weight Gain: I do believe the upward climb has begun. I gained a pound this week. Still down 4-ish pounds, though, but that is not likely to last much longer.

Belly Pic: None this week. I likely look pretty much the same as last week. :)

Stretch Marks: None from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Getting up 3 to 4 times a night to pee, which is a pain, but I know it's nothing compared to nights with a newborn.

Best Moment of the Week: Being asked by a mom at Ella's dance class if I'm expecting. I've passed the "put on a few pounds in the mid-range" look and am now rounder and more pregnant-looking.

Movement: Lots of flutters and tickles! Just waiting to feel bigger movement. Can't wait for that to happen!

Symptoms: I'm not nearly as nauseas. In fact, I think I threw up only three times this whole week, which is how much I threw up in a day earlier in this pregnancy. I have more energy, which I'm loving. Simply enjoying being pregnant.

Food Cravings: Nothing noticeably outstanding this week.

Gender: We'll have a definitive answer on July 5th! :)

What I Miss: Sleeping on my tummy. It's just not comfortable anymore.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Finding out the baby's gender!

Weekly Wisdom: Keep Tums on the nightstand. When you lay down at night, heartburn gets worse. (At least it did for me!).

Milestones: Taking it a day at a time, just very grateful to have made it to the undebatable second trimester (since some say 12 weeks and 13 weeks).

Emotions: Creative. Every time I pass the office, I think of how I'm going to decorate it for the baby's nursery. :)

Ultrasound Video

Today's ultrasound went great. Baby Johnson is measuring one week ahead at 14 weeks and 3 days, has a solid heartbeat at 156 bmp and is quite the wiggle worm.

We got to bring Ella to today's appointment, which made the experience more beautiful (and loud!). She loves this baby so much already and was just as excited to see him/her. She would constantly name things she saw on the screen. "Look at the baby's hand!" "The baby's head!" "What's the baby doing now?" She was quite the hoot today!

The doctor made a "most likely" diagnosis on what we're having. He doesn't want to say for absolute sure until our next ultrasound, but he's pretty sure. I'd love to tell everyone, but I don't want to announce it and then have to make a different announcement next month. Sorry! :)

I didn't get to take home any pictures today, but I got this amazing video instead! You can see just how much he/she moves around in there. :)

13 Weeks

How Far Along: 13 weeks. :)

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of a peach!

Picture of Baby: I will post ultrasound pics after Monday's appointment!

13 Weeks: Fingerprints have formed on Baby Johnson's tiny fingertips, his/her veins and organs are clearly visible through his/her still-thin skin, and his/her body is starting to catch up with his/her head — which makes up just a third of his/her body size now. If Baby Johnson is a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Maternity Clothes: Still need to buy. With money being tight, it's hard to justify going out and spending money on clothes I won't wear for that long. I know it has to be done, though.

Weight Gain: Still down about five pounds. Baby bump is growing, though. I don't know how it's possible I'm still down when it looks like I've gained five pounds of belly!

Belly Pic: I haven't posted one for three weeks, so as you can see, I've grown quite a bit!

Stretch Marks: None from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: I have good nights and bad nights. I am regaining my energy, now that I'm in the second trimester, so I'm able to stay up later and get up earlier without moaning and groaning in absolute tiredness. LOL! 

Best Moment of the Week: The best moments of the week have been feeling the baby move around. I feel fluttering all the time now, especially in the morning.

Movement: Lots of flutters and tickles!

Symptoms: My newfound energy proves that I'm in my second trimester, but my nausea and throwing up are still not letting up. Other than that, heartburn has picked up some, but nothing a Tums can't fix. Boobs are sore, but nothing unbearable.

Food Cravings: Cheez-Its!

Gender: Can't wait to find out! :) If the baby cooperates and our doctor gets a good view, we might be able to find out on Monday!

What I Miss: Being able to eat a meal without having to run to the bathroom afterwards (or kitchen sink, if I can't make it!).

What I'm Looking Forward to: Finding out the baby's gender!

Weekly Wisdom: Have some sort of candy on hand because you never know when your blood sugar level is going to drop.

Milestones: Second trimester, baby! :)

Emotions: Happy, grateful, anxious...list goes on.

A Day of Lasts

Today was Ella's last day of preschool. :(

She went to this preschool for the past two years. First, in a 3-year old class and then in an actual preschool class. I grew to love the staff, the teachers...everybody! It was a safe haven for Ella where I trusted she would be loved, respected, and taught not only her ABCs, 123s and Bible stories (it was a Christian-based school), but invaluable life lessons she could learn nowhere else. A comfortable, familiar environment filled with love - a love for God and His special children.

And, now this place is gone. It is no longer a part of our lives.

I know that sounds ultra dramatic, but that is how I feel! I feel like I've lost something very near and dear to me.

I'm taking this a lot harder than I thought I would.

I'd like to blame my pregnancy hormones for the uncontrollable babbling and sobbing, but I know I'd be just as bad without those to blame.

Today marked the last day I got to drive Ella down the street to her preschool - a route we drove together every weekday for the past two years. How am I going to train myself to turn right instead of left off my street? How am I not going to think about all of our little talks on our way to her preschool, discussing anything from the weather to her friends, from her being brave to her being shy, from what day of the week it was to how many more days to "happy weekend" (as she likes to call it).

I'm going to miss our morning routine.

I'm going to miss her teacher's warm, dimpled smile when we'd walk in the classroom every morning.

I'm going to miss Ella's stories from the day as I picked her up.

I'm going to miss having arts and crafts on my kitchen table everyday, where Ella proudly laid everything out on display.

I'm going to miss being the mom of a preschooler.

Now, I'm technically the mom of a kindergartener and I really don't know how I feel about that. I refuse to accept she's old enough to be in kindergarten. I'm in denial. At least I have all summer to wrap my mind around this.

To end this very sad post on a happy note, check out this fun art Ella did at school!

Ella said she sees a strong daddy. I see a Transformer. :)

Responsibility to be in the Know

As I mentioned last week, Aaron and I were debating on whether to pursue the birth defect testing or not. We talked together a lot, but ultimately, Aaron left the decision up to me. Isn't that how it always plays out? I didn't ask to be the decision maker, but somehow, I get pinned to that role. Knowing me best, Aaron must've known I had to come to this decision myself. He's always so laid back and supportive, he makes me feel even more high strung than I already am! :)

Anyway!

In any case, the decision was made to go ahead with the testing. I had my first blood work done yesterday (it had to be done before I reached 13 weeks 6 days). I don't think I find anything out until later (when I have my second draw done in a few weeks).

I feel somewhat out-of-the-loop with this testing. Like, I'm not sure when I find out the results, which obviously I will be anxious about until I do get them. My anxiety is something I took into account when making this decision. By nature, I stress / worry more than the average person. Combine that with conceiving this baby through IVF, and a whole new level is met! I didn't want to put myself through more anxiety than I already had going on.

But, that is so selfish. This isn't about me. My body is not mine for the next 6 months. My body is my baby's, anxiety and all.

And, as this baby's mom, it is my responsibility to watch out for him/her, even while in the womb. Watch what I eat and drink, no hot baths...all those fun things. Another part of that responsibility is to learn as much as I can about this baby through the always advancing modern medicine. It is my responsibility to know if there is something mentally or physically handicapping so that I can prepare myself to be the best parent to his/her specific needs.

Not to "brace myself" as my doctor said. I don't need to brace myself for my child. But, to learn and prepare as much as I can so I can be the best mom possible.

So, rather than making the decision as a "I can't put myself through that anxiety" ultimatum, I made the decision through the truth that if my baby deserves the absolute best in life. And, how does a baby get the best in life? Through his/her parents! We are the ones with that privilege and responsibility! And, I'm not going to have my fear of knowing create a shadow of ignorance.

I want to know everything about my baby.

If he/she has eleven toes, I want to know.

If he/she has webbed ears, I want to know.

If he/she has down syndrome, I want to know.

Not when the baby is born. Not then, but now!