I used to relentlessly pray and pray, looking for answers, trying to understand. I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed. I was desperate to hear the booming voice of peace and truth tell me that everything was going to be okay.
And, even though I truly believed that God was in control, I still couldn't wrap my mind around why He would not allow us to have another kid. Why would He would stop us from experiencing such joy?
Despite being pregnant now, my mind still wanders to those days and nights of uncontrollable tears. The depression. The sadness. The unknowing of what is to come.
Those emotions will never be erased from my memory. My struggles will never be forgotten. They molded me into the woman of God I am today, to the mom I am today, and to the wife I am today. Even though I would never care to admit it, my infertility did make me a better, stronger person.
Would I feel that way if my womb was still empty?
Probably not, because I'd still be battling with myself and God.
So, now, rather than praying and praying, I spend more time praising and praising. I am constantly giving thanks. I am constantly lifting my arms up in undeserving gratitude. I am smiling more. And, I am finally seeing the bigger picture.
But, lately, what I'm having a hard time accepting is that even though I talk all this talk about my faith being stronger and feeling closer to God, my faith still so weak. Obviously my faith is not that strong since my happiness has proven to be circumstantial. Becoming pregnancy completely shifted my heart. I am so much happier now than I was while still trying to conceive. But, why did it take for me to "get my way" to find this happiness?
As a Christian, shouldn't I always be able to find this happiness? Shouldn't I happily accept the way my life unfolds, since it is God's provision? Shouldn't I be more trusting in His plan for my life, even if it means for things to not go my way? Shouldn't I willingly give up my plan for His plan?
I guess I'm just rambling and trying to work out these feelings. All I know is that I'm infinitely grateful for God's blessings in my life. He entrusted me with Ella and now a second child. Wow!
I am humbled. So very humbled.
8 comments:
:)
I can relate completely to this post. I've been thinking the same thing. I see the bigger picture now, in everything, and it brings me to tears, thinking the timing couldn't have been better. He truly has a plan. All the hard work to get to this place, strengthened my relationship with my husband and made me a stronger person, and I'm thankful for that!
You are Christian but you are also human, so don't feel too bad about feeling happy now, and not then...
I completely understand where you are coming from. I seriously say a prayer every.single.time I feel my baby move these days.
After loosing Caroline last year it took me a very long time to even have the smallest bit of peace in my heart knowing that it was God in control of my family and not me. I still struggle daily with letting go and letting God handle things instead of me trying to control every situation, good or bad.
Hope ya'll had a great weekend! xoxox
Hillary
I am SO on the same page! Going through infertility has been one of the most difficult things I have ever faced. I have so many unanswered questions, and I try not to dwell on them, but that doesn't make them go away. I try so much to trust God's plan now, as opposed to only trusting Him once I get a positive. But it is something I have to work at, for sure. It really is hard to be thankful in the midst of the struggle.
I love your honesty and how open you are about everything you are going through- Thanks for sharing :)
I think your honesty in this post is exactly what God wants from us. When we are honest about our lack of faith, we can humbly ask for more. I am coming off one of the toughest weeks of my life, spiritually speaking. We found out a week ago that our FET was unsuccessful and I am really struggling with God as a result. (this is after a failed IVF three months ago) I trust His plan but right now I don't understand it. But instead of running from Him I have chosen to be completely honest and talk to Him every single time my doubts and depression surface. Its not always pretty, but its carrying me. Like Heather Williams says about her song "Hallelujah", she was completely broken over her son's death, but she told God she would still sing 'hallelujah' no matter what. And what a testimony we can be when we choose to worship Him in both the highs and the lows.
I have thought these same things. While in the past 9-months I have leaned more God, I am worried about pulling away because it still hasn't happened. Yes I am not happy with the path He has put us on, but I have to believe it is where we are supposed to be. If it's not, then what is the point of all this? What have we done to deserve this? What haven't we done to deserve the child we pray and want so desperately?
I don't think God cares how you find him, but that you did.
That, my dear, is the battle that every Christian fights. Praising God in all things!
I was talking to someone this weekend at the food show and was talking about how God gives us trials and tribulations to bring us to Him, because, quite frankly, if life was perfect what use would we have for God.
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