As I mentioned last week, Aaron and I were debating on whether to pursue the birth defect testing or not. We talked together a lot, but ultimately, Aaron left the decision up to me. Isn't that how it always plays out? I didn't ask to be the decision maker, but somehow, I get pinned to that role. Knowing me best, Aaron must've known I had to come to this decision myself. He's always so laid back and supportive, he makes me feel even more high strung than I already am! :)
Anyway!
In any case, the decision was made to go ahead with the testing. I had my first blood work done yesterday (it had to be done before I reached 13 weeks 6 days). I don't think I find anything out until later (when I have my second draw done in a few weeks).
I feel somewhat out-of-the-loop with this testing. Like, I'm not sure when I find out the results, which obviously I will be anxious about until I do get them. My anxiety is something I took into account when making this decision. By nature, I stress / worry more than the average person. Combine that with conceiving this baby through IVF, and a whole new level is met! I didn't want to put myself through more anxiety than I already had going on.
But, that is so selfish. This isn't about me. My body is not mine for the next 6 months. My body is my baby's, anxiety and all.
And, as this baby's mom, it is my responsibility to watch out for him/her, even while in the womb. Watch what I eat and drink, no hot baths...all those fun things. Another part of that responsibility is to learn as much as I can about this baby through the always advancing modern medicine. It is my responsibility to know if there is something mentally or physically handicapping so that I can prepare myself to be the best parent to his/her specific needs.
Not to "brace myself" as my doctor said. I don't need to brace myself for my child. But, to learn and prepare as much as I can so I can be the best mom possible.
So, rather than making the decision as a "I can't put myself through that anxiety" ultimatum, I made the decision through the truth that if my baby deserves the absolute best in life. And, how does a baby get the best in life? Through his/her parents! We are the ones with that privilege and responsibility! And, I'm not going to have my fear of knowing create a shadow of ignorance.
I want to know everything about my baby.
If he/she has eleven toes, I want to know.
If he/she has webbed ears, I want to know.
If he/she has down syndrome, I want to know.
Not when the baby is born. Not then, but now!
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6 comments:
I agree, knowing only helps you better prepare yourself to care for baby. It will not change how much you love him/her. :)
i got mine too! I figured a) i got to see my babe on u/s again, and b) if God forbid it was something as severe as Trisomy 18 or 13, which are fatal, i could prepare myself mentally for the loss of another child. I got blindsided by my last one when she passed @ 34w5d, and don't want that again. I know, i know, probably a morbid reason, but those were my reasons:-)
I feel ya, my husband and I knew that we would have our babies anyway no matter what. It is a scary thing to know sometimes. But I think you made the right choice. I go in next week for my second blood draw for the spina bifida test. Good luck and ya'll will be fine.
Good choice- it is best to be prepared for that kind of situation. I am hoping everyting comes back fine!
I agree with you. If you want to know you should have the test so you can prepare yourself if something is wrong. However do know that there are a lot of false positive ( and negatives ) to most of those tests! I am sure your doctor has told you that. Also know everything can be perfect and it still not work out ( as Erin knows :( You are not in control and even with all the information you can have, things will be the way they will be. Of course everyone is hoping and praying for a healthy full term baby! And odds are that is exactly what will be - however introduction to motherhood 101 - you can not control everything
I'm glad you were able to come to a decision :-)
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