Riding A Rollercoaster

Clomid is awful!  Lucky are the women who get pregnant without having to resort to this fertility drug.  My moods are up and down, left and right, backwards and forwards.  And who gets the brunt of my craziness?  Yes, you guessed it...Aaron and Ella.  Aaron understands what I'm going through so I don't have to explain my "behavior" to him.  In fact, he read the side effects of this drug, and naming a few are anxiety, depression and psychosis (yes, it does in fact say "psychosis").  When Aaron read that, he jokingly reassured me that he is forgiving me in advance for my psychotic episodes.  Haha!

But Ella...poor little Ella.  She understands simplicities, like, "Mommy is happy" or "Mommy is sad" without much consideration as to why I am feeling those emotions.  I cannot talk to her and help her understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  Imagine how that would go!  "Mommy is taking a drug that makes her crazy, but Mommy loves you very much."  Haha!  So, without the ability to verbally convey to her what I'm going through, I simply have to try my hardest to not let my emotions get the best of me and inadvertently affect Ella.  So, I provide her with my unending and unconditional love, compassion, attention and pride.  Even if the world was ending (and sometimes, this drug makes me feel that way), my role as her Mommy will never be forgotten or forsaken.  But being the empathetic, sympathetic little girl that she is, she is so in tune with my behavior.  Even with a smile on my face and enthusiasm in my voice, she reads my emotions, and more often than I ever wanted to ever hear, she asks, "Mommy, are you okay?"

For awhile now I have felt a loss of control.  Becoming pregnant is not something that can be controlled.  Even when a couple decides they are ready, the timing of when they actually conceive could be months or years past that point.  Aaron has always told me this is something I cannot control, but I just laughed at him, thinking he just didn't know how determined and focused I was to make sure this did happen.  But, as I've learned, the only constant in all of this is God.  He is weighing quite heavily on my heart to let go of my hold on my life and let Him do for me as He already has planned.  After all, why should I fret when God is leading my life?  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11).

While on this fertility drug, though, I'm struggling with a loss of control of my emotions.  I cry easily, anger easily and my anxiety level is through the roof.  It's ridiculous how hormone treatment can really mess with not only a woman's body but her mental and emotional state as well.  I feel like a walking bomb, ready to release my held back tears, ready to explode into a rampant rage.  Praying helps me a lot.  Taking deep breaths and hearing my mom's voice saying, "This too shall pass," brings peace back to my heart and mind, blocking out my "psychotic episodes."  (Thank you, Honey!).

My dad gave me a card!  It reads:

"I want to let you know you're in my prayers...I imagine you may be overwhelmed because you've been dealing with so much lately, and maybe you're wondering (as I've wondered at times in my life) how things are ever going to work out.  And I just wanted to remind you that although life brings many changes, God's love for us remains constant.  He's always there, guiding us through decisions and helping us do the hard things...always restoring in us a sense of hope and peace, no matter what we're facing.  And the most beautiful thing about God is that the more we need Him the closer He is...that's how I know He is especially close to you now." (Tarye Morrow).

Those were the exact words I needed to hear.  Thank you, Dad.  Thank you, God!

Update:

I did not go in for a sonogram on Friday.  I've been using the at-home ovulation predictor kits and it doesn't show that I'm ovulating yet.  I called my doctor and she told me not to schedule the sonogram until I get a positive ovulation test.  This is concerning for me.  Either I'm ovulating late, which may very well be the case, or the doctor is right and I'm not ovulating at all.  Clomid is supposed to help induce ovulation, so I'm hoping I'm just late.  I guess time will tell...

Through the Lens of a Camera

In my experience, when going through a difficult time, such as infertility, three things are necessary.

1.  Faith. "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." (Mary Manin Morrissey).  Although fearful about my uncertain child-bearing future, I cannot let that fear shadow my faith.  I cannot allow myself to believe that God's timing and provision are anything less than perfect.

2.  Family. Aaron, Ella, Sister, Mom, Dad, Janice...along with my close friends (you know who you are) and this new support group I have established through this blog.  You have all given me hugs, wiped my tears, lifted my spirits, faithfully prayed and lent me your ears and time through all of this.  Thank you.

3.  Keeping Busy. I need to preoccupy my mind and time with something other than getting pregnant.  Ella is my #1 distraction, naturally, but I sometimes feel that I need to do something for ME.  Do something with my time that I thoroughly enjoy that I can engross myself in.  I've managed to keep busy with my many projects around the house.  Painting this, organizing that, rearranging...well...every room.  And although organizing things is surprisingly therapeutic for me (yeah, I know, I'm weird), I'm yearning to get back into scrapbooking.

Aaron and I have managed to accumulate 45,000 pictures over the last 5 years we've been together.  Yes, that't not a typo, we have actually taken a combined total of over 45,000 pictures!!!  I can't speak for Aaron, who has always been passionate about photography, but my main love emerged after having Ella.  I don't know if it is necessarily my love of taking pictures or it's my love of being able to digitally capture Ella's life.  Either way, with that many pictures to choose from, I'm pretty sure this endeavor will keep me quite busy.  I'm excited to get started!

Quick Update:

I'm going to have a sonogram done tomorrow.  Now that I'm on Clomid, my doctor wants to see how well I'm ovulating, which somehow, she can decipher through the popcorn on the screen.  Someday (soon!) I pray I will get to have a sonogram done that will clearly show the image of a growing baby.  Oh, I can't wait for that day!  I yearn for that day...

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Since Aaron and I have started trying to conceive our second child, I can count on more than 2 hands the amount of my friends who have told me that they are trying to conceive who have then gone on to say the three magic words, "I am pregnant."  Some more quicker than others, but all quicker than me.

My really good friend found out she is pregnant today, and this one hit me hard.  Even though I'm  happy for her (she, too, had infertility complications), my heart sinks.  I write in my posts about how I'm going to keep the faith and remain hopeful, but yet the harder I try to see the glass as half full, the deeper I fall into this funk that I can't shake off.

So, with the news of my friend's pregnancy and this Clomid messing with my emotions, you could say I'm pretty emotional today.  Haha, this reminds me of the quote from Anchorman, when Will Ferrell's character yells out, "I'm in a glass cage of emotion!"  That is how I feel (minus the comical part).

I pray God will change my heart and help me surrender myself to His perfect timing.

I pray God will continue to provide me strength.

After I hit the year mark of trying to conceive, I really didn't think I'd find the strength to continue.  I didn't think I had any hope left to spare.  But here I am, 6 months later, and I'm still hanging in there.  But really, what is my other option?  Give up???  I DON'T THINK SO!!!  The potential joy of having another child outweighs all the disappointment I've endured...times a million.

Okay, change of topics.  My commitment to maintaining a healthier lifestyle is going really well.  I had hoped to redirect some of my attention of getting pregnant to focusing on being a healthier person, spiritually, mentally and physically.  Overall, and (even though some of my blog posts may show otherwise), I have been spending less time thinking about getting pregnant.  I know, shocked, right?  I'm feeling healthier and more confident about myself and the future.  Even though it's only been the first week of this transformation, I'm willfully determined to continue.  And, hey, I've been told time and time again that once I stop stressing about getting pregnant and just "go with the flow," that I'll get pregnant.  Well, lets see if it happens!

Called To Be…

God created within me a deep desire to be a wife and mom.  When I was young, I never had any doubts that when I was older, that is where I wanted my life to take me.  I didn't really dream of being a teacher or a nurse.  I just remember my dreams mainly focusing on having a family and being happy.

And I truly feel that I am called to be those specific roles.  I wholeheartedly enjoy sharing my life with one man and being a mom, gosh, it's the most rewarding title and lifestyle imaginable.  But, does having only one child make me any less of a mom than a mom with, say, three or four kids?  Is the love of more kids more validating than the love of one?  I feel like my heart has an infinite amount of love to give, with only one child to receive it.  God created such a deep desire within me to submit myself to being a mom, but yet, He is putting a halt on what I feel He has called me to be.

Called to be? What are you called to be?  I wasn't one of the lucky ones who knew with absolution the career they wanted to go into.  My sister knew from a very young age she wanted to be a teacher.  It's in her blood.  It's her passion.  And here I am, 26 years old, without a true understanding of my chosen career.

I went to U.C.S.D. because that was the best school I got into.  I began my undergraduate degree as an undeclared major because I had no idea what I was passionate about?  I decided halfway through my 4 years to major in political science, mainly because nothing else "fit."  Biology?  NO WAY!  Engineering?  SAY WHAT???  So, having worked in a law office in high school and knowing that I do, in fact, enjoy studying law, I figured that is the road to lead me to the career I'm called to be in.

I always wonder, "What if?" What if I had accepted the offer into the architectural program at Cal Poly, would I have found my calling as an architect of some sort?  What if I didn't move back to Turlock, would I be working at a different law office in Portland that suits me better, that wouldn't make me have these doubts?  What if the scar tissue from my c-section with Ella is causing this infertility?  What if I hadn't chosen to have the Mirena IUD, would I be pregnant by now?

But, I can't live in the past, assuming that if I had made decisions differently I'd be in a better spot.  Because, reality is, this is where I am supposed to be and all of my decisions, whether I see them as good or bad, have contributed to the life I have.  So, what am I called to be?  Well, God knows, and I'm just living each day surrendering myself to what He has called me to be.

Keep On Keeping On

Well, I had another doctor's appointment today.  The girls over at OB-GYN Associates of Turlock are really getting to know me.

This appointment was to go over my hysterosalpingogram and sonogram results.  I had already received the results via phone, but I wanted to talk to my doctor in person, and to discuss my next step.  Both results came back pretty good.  My tubes are not clogged (huge relief!), but my doctor is concerned that I'm not ovulating enough each month or that I'm not ovulating at all each month.  My sonogram was supposed to be scheduled around the time that I ovulated, but of course, I ovulated earlier last month (just my luck).  The images showed that there was no fluid behind my uterus (for you boys reading this blog, sorry for all this "woman terminology").  What does that mean?  Well, usually, a couple days after ovulation, there is fluid behind the uterus, and the fact that there was no fluid triggered my doctor to think I may not be ovulating.  Oh joy...NOT!

So, my doctor gave me two options:

Option #1:

To have a laparoscopy done to determine if I have endometriosis.  She is concerned I might have this condition based on pains I have.  She said being on any form of birth control and being pregnant makes this condition dormant (due to the change in hormone levels), and because I was on the pill right before I got pregnant with Ella and then had the Mirena IUD right after I had Ella, she thinks it isn't until now that this condition is becoming "active."  Fun, right?

Or...

Option #2:

Take Clomiphene (a.k.a. Clomid), again, to help induce ovulation.  You may wonder why on earth I would take this drug again, especially since it didn't work the first time?  My doctor thinks it is more likely that I'm not ovulating well than for me to have endometriosis.  She also said with this round of Clomid, she would like me to have a sonogram performed exactly when I'm ovulating (make a same-day emergency appointment in order to do s0) to make sure that I am ovulating.  If my sonogram shows that I'm ovulating just fine and a couple months pass with no pregnancy, she wants Aaron and I to consider an IUI (intra-uteruine insemination).  I haven't thought that far in advance, but I pray it doesn't come to having to make the decision to go forward with that or not.

So, needless to say, I will be going back on Clomid (starting today, once the prescription is ready to pick up).  I can honestly say I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand the way this drug makes me feel, though, so although I'm looking forward to this next step in my journey to conceive, I am NOT looking forward to becoming the emotional, irritable, crazy woman I once was (and yes, Aaron can vouch for this).

So, if my blogs start becoming angry, sad or depressing, that is why.  Haha!  Just kidding (but seriously).

I also want to take this opportunity to thank EVERYONE for the positive feedback and words of encouragement I have been receiving.  Gosh, I can't tell you all how much it means to me.  Starting this blog was going to serve as a necessary outlet for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts that are otherwise so hard to communicate, and I'm glad that you all have received my openness about such a private issue with such a positivity, encouragement and open-mindedness.  You are all amazing people in my life and your comments mean more to me than you know.  You are all a part in the support system I so drastically need.  So...thank you!  I'm smiling.

What Other People Have Does Not Take Away From What I Have

So many times I get consumed with things I could have, rather than looking at what I do have.  I could have a second child, but me not having a second child in no way takes away from the gorgeous daughter that I do have.  I could have purchased our house after the market crash (and not have lost so much equity), but that doesn't take away from the fact that I am still a proud homeowner.  Aaron and I could make more money, but I need to remember that we both have stable jobs that pay all our bills with a cushion.

I think it is just human nature to want more and dream bigger.  A money-driven, flaunt-what-you-got society engrains that in us.  But really, why should it matter what car we drive, so long as it safely gets us from here to there?  Why does it matter the brand of our clothes so long as they keep us warm?  And why should it matter how much money we make?  The more one makes, the more likely money will be spent on unnecessary things, losing the true value of the dollar.

For me, I'm not too consumed with clothes, cars or money, but instead my mind has been focused on trying to conceive baby #2.  When running errands, going to the gym or shopping at the store, and I see a pregnant woman, I have to admit, my heart sinks a little.  When I hear of friends getting pregnant, my initial reaction is selfish.  My inner voice cries out, "Why not me???  When will it be my time?"  But, I put on a brave face of, "Congratulations," and "I'm so happy for you," when really I just want to go burry my head in a pillow and cry.

But, God is changing my attitude and heart, and my HOPE is that God will continue working overtime on my heart so that someday, I will accept His plan for my life, without hesitation, whether it includes more kids or not.  Now, when I see a pregnant woman, although still difficult for me, I look down to see my angel holding tightly onto my finger, with a smile on her face.  What other people have in no way takes away from what I have. If a friend of mine is pregnant, that in no way takes away from the fact that I am a mom to my Ella Bella, a girl who loves me unconditionally.

My heart still needs a lot of work and I'm trying to wholeheartedly accept the way things are happening.  It is so wrong of me, as a mom, to consume my mind of a child that has not come when I have a child sitting there right in front of me.  How dare I belittle Ella?  How dare I not be completely grateful for Ella?  How can I not be 100% happy as a mom to my beautiful 3-year old?  I'm guilty, though, and I refuse to continue with this mindset.

Healthy Lifestyle

Eating healthy has never really been my "thing."  I go through spurts where I'm really good, but my usual eating habits always return.  I find that I'm an emotional eater and with this lack of pregnancy happening, I'm relying on food as a coping mechanism.  I know...not good!  And, I guess, a part of me always thinks that I'll get pregnant "next month," and when pregnant, it's okay to gain weight, so no big deal to gain a little bit now, right?  WRONG!!!

Sister is very admirable.  She has acquired a love for fruits, vegetables and all things natural/organic.  She's a true health nut and she wears that label proudly.  I wish I was like her.  BUT, I'm changing my ways and lifestyle.  It'll be a gradual process and I don't ever see myself being as restrictive, for lack of better words, as Sister, but I'm eager and determined to find a healthy lifestyle that suits me.

Sister has given me pointers on how to change my eating habits.  I'm learning that eating healthy isn't about counting calories or following a specific dieting plan.  It's about LIVING healthily.  By that, I mean that my thoughts and actions should not revolve around food.  Happiness should not revolve around food.  If I win this battle over food being this "buddy" of mine that helps me cope with problems, consequentially a healthier, happier life will fall into place.

Even though Fat Bastard from Austin Powers is a ridiculous character, there was so much truth when he said, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat." Having been trying to conceive for so long, I've become relatively unhappy.  Not to the point of depression or breakdown, but just an overall shift in my mood.

So, with all that said, this post starts the beginning of an avid attempt to change my ways.  My hope is not to lose a lot of weight (although that would be an incredible consequence), but to create this desire or passion inside of me to treat my body as God would want me to.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

Just as I see Ella as a glimpse of perfection, God looks at me with the same admiration.

I also hope that through this new journey, I will shift my thoughts.  I find myself thinking so much about getting pregnant, wondering what is wrong with me, why I'm battling infertility that I need something to convert my thought process and concentrate on a new idea.  And what better thing to concentrate on than maintaining a healthy lifestyle???

Controlling What Cannot Be Controlled

Women, by nature, are relatively controlling.  They want things just so in the house - the picture frame has to be hung at the perfect spot on the wall, the bathroom colors have to accentuate each other, the furniture has to be angled just right.  Women usually "run" the household - they determine the dinner menu, fold the laundry, run most errands, make sure all appointments are remembered.

I am the epitome of most women.  I make sure things run smoothly in my life and in my household.  And when I am able to control so many aspects of my life, it's hard to release control of something that is so important to me...yup, you guessed it, conceiving my second child.

Because I got pregnant so easily with Ella...only a couple months after I stopped taking the pill...I thought this time around a pregnancy would occur as easily.  I thought I could put it in my black book, add it to the list of things that need to get done, and eventually cross it off.  I thought I could control this.

I am learning to release this control.

God is in control.

Even though I am comforted in knowing God is in control of this and He knows what's best for me, I still try and control it.  When will I learn???  It's so hard to want something so bad and not know how to achieve it.

If you want good grades, you study...

If you want to lose weight, you exercise and eat healthy...

But, if you want to get pregnant, you...what???  Sure, there are certain parts of trying to conceive that you can control.  What you eat and don't eat, vitamin intake, when and how often you have sex...there's so much that is proven to help a couple conceive...and even though I've logically done every "by the books," I'm still not pregnant.

So, I'm surrendering this to God, the Controller of my life.

Circumstantial Happiness

What makes you happy?  The true, goosebumps-on-arms, heart-pumping, butterflies-in-stomach happiness.  It seems like a lot of people, myself included, find this happiness through tangible means.  Buying things to decorate your house, buying the perfect outfit, buying toys for your kids, going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, etc. are all things that make us happy.  And, although these things are all fine and dandy, the happiness resulting from them is fleeting and temporary.  Circumstances cannot define true happiness.

And the circumstance of me getting pregnant cannot define my happiness either.

Happiness has to come from within.

Aaron will vouch for this, but for the past few months I have been in a "perma-funk."  A funk that only results when I rely on the idea that me getting pregnant will bring me all the happiness in the world.  And, although seeing a positive pregnancy test, a vision I have replayed in my mind over and over again, will bring me immeasurable happiness, my mood cannot be determined by it.  Getting pregnant cannot be the only circumstance that will bring me the true, goosebumps-on-arms, heart-pumping, butterflies-in-stomach happiness.

There are trials and tribulations in everybody's lives.  Some are battling cancer, some are battling the loss of a loved one, some have lost their jobs and are barely making ends meet.  How can they find happiness when life seems to have turned against them?  God allows us to find happiness, even in the most dire of circumstances.  God's love is all a person needs to get through tough times.  Without my faith in God, I would not be able to get through this time of my life.

There is so much truth to the idea that the little things in life matter most.  When I look back at the happiest moments in my life, I find that they are not defined by when I bought a new couch or new car, but rather when Ella runs to me when I pick her up school or when Aaron surprises me by making a delicious dinner.

"When you look back at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." ~ Joyce Brothers

And how can that quote not apply when this is my family???

For me, I think God is using my family as an avenue to show me His love.  He has given me Aaron and Ella to bring me happiness, the true happiness that is only revealed through Him.

Latest Infertility Testing Results: As I told you awhile ago, I was waiting to hear back from my doctor regarding my sonogram results.  Well, I got the results back and they are good.  My follicles and eggs are healthy and just fine.  WOO HOO!!!  One more thing to cross off the checklist!

Why Blog?

For some people, writing a blog is an avenue to let family and friends know their latest updates, for some it's a way to talk about serious issues...for me, it serves the purpose of helping ME. I loved writing in high school and college and since graduating I haven't recreationally written anything, other than e-mails or random things on Facebook. I know some of you may not understand my blog or care to read it, but this blog isn't about you...it's about me. There are few women in the world that are experiencing what I'm going through and this blog is meant to be my way of reaching out to them with the hope that we can both help each other. Infertility isn't the only topic of my blog, though. Of course not! By doing so, it would prove that my only passion in life is to conceive. I have tons of passions, most of which revolve around my two loves...Aaron and Ella. Plus, once I'm pregnant (not if, but when!), my blog's major subject content will shift, but right now, I'm going to write about what's true to me...which is Ella, Aaron, my faith, my hope and the scary battle of infertility.

"For you know when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." - James 1:3.

My faith is being tested through all of this. With each month that passes by, I tell myself to just give up, that its not in my cards. But, I remain strong and hopeful while my endurance grows, and I hope that you will be able to go through this journey with me. I've kept so much to myself for so long and it feels good to be able to "talk" about, regardless of how it is received.

Infertility Testing, Testing…1, 2, 3…

Aaron and I have been trying to conceive for 1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks and 6 days...

...and the infertility testing is now in full force.

Once I reached the 1-year mark, I was put on Clomid, a fertility drug to help stimulate ovulation.  50 mg the first cycle, 100 mg the second.  My doctor said if the drug doesn't work within 3 months, then it's simply not going to work for me.  No results.  Just more disappointment and sense of hopelessness.

After allowing time for the drug to leave my system, I met with my doctor and she ordered me to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a outpatient procedure to check if my fallopian tubes are clogged.  I had the procedure done a couple weeks ago and my tubes are clear.  Thank you, Jesus!

Next, my doctor requested I have a sonogram done to check my follicles.  I had this done last week and am awaiting the results.  I don't know what the next step is, but I'm nervous / excited / exhausted / hopeful / determined...the list of emotions goes on and on.

It’s A God Thing

So many times when something good, something with exceptional timing and perfection, happens to somebody, that person has no other way of explaining it than by saying, "It's a God thing." I fall into this category. Whenever something so perfect that not even myself could've planned it out more perfectly happens, I give all the credit to God. I claim God had His hand in Aaron and me meeting five years ago on-line (If you don't know the story, ask me! I'll willingly divulge all the details!). But, what if I didn't meet Aaron and never married, would I still say with such confidence that, "It's a God thing"? God blessed me with a wonderful husband and a wonderful marriage, but what if His plan was for me to remain single all these years? It's still a "God thing," but would I say it as proudly and faithfully?

I'm going through this inner battle right now. God and I are not on the same page with conceiving my second child. I have to admit, I'm not as willingly accepting His plan as I would have if His plan included blessing me with a second child already. But who am I to doubt His plan and perfect timing, despite my struggles and hardships, that "It's a God thing"? God's hand has no less of a hold on my life without a second child as it would with. So, do I doubt Him? Do I doubt that God doesn't truly understand my heart and my desires? Do I cower away from the idea that me not being pregnant, is, in fact, a God thing? No, I do not! The only way to get through infertility is to remain hopeful. I have hope, faith and confidence that soon I will be able to exclaim to the world that this long wait I had to endure, the tests and pain associated with infertility, is a GOD THING!!!

First Post

A Bible verse to live by:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)