Oh Christmas Tree (Written Last December)

I wrote this post last December, while going through our IVF cycle, which you all know was unsuccessful. I just want you all to remember the sense of hope and joy this season brings. Even though our first IVF cycle was not the one to bring us our baby, God has used that dark time in my life for His glory. And never, ever, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine that I would have a son to share the following Christmas with. So, never give up hope! Even in the darkest of times, keep your faith strong and your head held high. Because, even though we cannot see our future, God has it perfectly arranged with our best interest at heart.

Oh Christmas Tree

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

The first year, Ella was only a couple months older than a year. She was new to walking and you can imagine how uncoordinated she was exploring on uneven ground, but luckily, diapers provide the best cushion. At this age, Ella would say, "Prettiessss!" So, once all the lights were wrapped around our chosen tree, we heard her soft coos of adoration. I can just hear her young voice now when.

The second year, I remember Ella thoroughly enjoying herself, but you would've never guessed it as she was going through her "serious stage." I didn't get one single picture of her smiling! This stage lasted for months at which time she constantly had a serious look on her face, observing everything, soaking it all in.

This year also marked our first holiday season together while trying to conceive our second child. The holidays came and went, but it didn't really phase us because we both figured we'd have a baby wrapped in our arms at next year's Christmas tree cutting excursion.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. Big time.

The following year Ella was three years old. This year her opinions really started to evolve, pointing out trees that she thought were best and worthy of taking home. With each passing year, Ella's enthusiasm grew. And there's nothing like witnessing a child's excitement during the holidays, especially your own child's. It's very magical.

And, despite how much I love the tree farm and how it commemorates the beginning of the holidays, a part of me didn't want another holiday season to pass without a positive home pregnancy test, without seeing those miraculous two lines, without a little peanut growing inside of me, let alone a baby cradled in my arms! Nevertheless, Christmas is still a time for celebration and celebrate is what I did, but not without that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me every now and again.

This past weekend marked our fourth trip to the tree farm and still no baby. But, despite having an empty womb, I still have my beautiful 4-year old daughter to share the experience with. Her maturity shined during this visit, showing both of us how much she's grown up this past year. She was still so excited, and I don't think we passed a tree without her saying, "How about this one?" :)

So, this Christmas season marks over 2 years and 3 months of trying to conceive. Those were the longest, but yet fastest 27 months of our marriage.

However, instead of feeling incredibly hopeless this holiday season, I feel quite the opposite. IVF has filled me with an unimaginable sense of hope! After all, isn't the message of Christmas really a story of hope? Isn't hope the ultimate gift God has promised all of us with the birth of his son, Jesus Christ?

God blessed Aaron and me with a Christmas pregnancy in 2005, and we are both hoping and praying that a similar blessing is a part of God's plan for our lives this Christmas.

7dp6dt Symptoms and Hope

Well, the week is slowly dwindling away and Saturday is fast approaching (but not fast enough, mind you!).

I figured you all might want to read an update on my symptoms (exciting stuff, right?).

Beginning yesterday (6dp6dt), the severity of my period-like cramps dropped. I mean, the dull ache is still very much there, but the type of pain/discomfort shifted from the pain of an impending period to a fullness, with occasionally sharp twinges on both sides (around my pelvic area). And when I say sharp twinges, I mean, stop me in my tracks and wait for it to pass, pain. I remember feeling similar pains when in my early pregnancy with Ella. :)

Today I have experienced the similar fullness. I feel extremely bloated and I can't suck in my stomach to hide the appearance of such discomfort. I mean, I already have a belly (I am by no means a skinny chick), but my belly is already looking rounder. Obviously, I cannot possibly look pregnant yet, but my insides are surely indicating to me that I am! :)

And, even if I don't look different, my insides are making me feel like this...

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

So, that is where I stand with symptoms. I am probably coming across very hopeful to most of you, and honestly, that is because I really am. I'm hopeful for Saturday's beta to reveal to me that I'm pregnant.

My Daily Reminder

We have a fun whiteboard in our kitchen. I spiced the plain black frame up with fun family-oriented stickers. Here's a few:

Usually this whiteboard is filled with Bible verses, daily reminders (like which butt cheek gets the PIO that night), important appointments, or, Aaron's favorite, "Honey do" lists. We look at it everyday, and since putting it up like six months ago, Aaron and I have remembered more and forgotten less. Always a good thing! :)

This week, though, I only needed one reminder. A very big reminder, at that. And that is to...

KEEP THE FAITH!

This is the only reminder I needed this past week and still need as Saturday ever-so-slowly approaches.

So quickly I psych myself out into thinking my body failed me again.

So quickly I throw myself out of the game, not giving myself a fair chance.

So quickly I label the cramps as PMS cramps, without considering that they could in fact be early pregnancy cramps.

So quickly I shed tears of sadness and despair when, really, if I wait a couple days I'll be able to shed tears of pure and utter happiness.

Seeing this huge reminder to keep the faith tells me to be slower to assume such "truths." I have to admit, it has helped seeing this daily reminder.

I also have the picture of my two babies as my cellphone wallpaper with the same encouragement to keep the faith.

And, then, one's gotta ask why go through all of this? Why spend thousands and thousands of dollars when there's a chance of not getting pregnant? Why waste all that money and invest so much time and emotions on a gamble?

The answer is easy, really. When in a dark place of doubt, I just have to look at Ella and be instantly reminded of why we're doing this. For there is no greater joy than creating life...a baby. And, I have faith that life is being created within my womb as I type this. Even though science was what infused my egg with Aaron's sperm, God's watchful eye was mindfully aware of every last detail, from which eggs matured to which of Aaron's millions of sperm would be the chosen ones. From which cluster of cells would successfully divide to which ones would be strong enough to freeze and thaw.

And when I see Ella's eyes, her hair, her complexion, her stubbornness (definitely me!), her athleticism (definitely Aaron!), her voice, her toes, her belly button, her long legs, her chunky arms, her baby hairs, her teeth spacing, her quiet demeanor...I see Aaron and I see me. And there is no greater, more rewarding joy in the entire world than to witness the miracle of life, knowing the life created is a result of your own.

Divine Intervention

As you all know, my uterine lining has been the "hot topic" of my posts lately. Such an entertaining topic, I know! LOL! :)

Yesterday's sonogram revealed a thicker uterine lining. My lowest measurement was 8.3mm and my highest was almost 9mm, so the sonographer confidently gave me an average 8.6mm, since most measurements were roughly that.

She was really happy with that measurement, but I could not reciprocate the enthusiasm. So, I met with my IVF nurse and explained my desire to remain on the Estradiol for a few days longer to make my lining thicker. After all, it grew 1.1mm in 3 days' time, so one could assume I'd have a solid mid-9mm measurement in another few days. I reiterated to her that Dr. Weckstein wanted it thicker than my 8.4mm measurement for my failed IVF cycle.

She explained to me that Dr. Weckstein is likely going to be satisfied with this measurement, and indeed she was right!

Later that day, she e-mailed me and said that Dr. Weckstein reviewed my sonogram results and said my lining is "good and adequate" for my FET. He called me later and said he feels very comfortable with the quality of my endometrium and that he would not push me to do something that he knew was not for the good of his patient.

The problem is...

I don't want just "good" and just "adequate." I want exceptional! I want a super fluffy, sticky thick uterine lining, giving my babies plenty of cushion to burrow into. My IVF nurse reassured me that they don't very often see a lining thicker than 8mm or 9mm at their office, and she stamped that statement with a huge, "Dr. Weckstein knows what he's doing." :)

But...

Dr. Weckstein told me that if I feel more comfortable allowing my uterine lining to thicken a little bit more, that he is okay with that. He left the decision up to Aaron and me (since my blood levels are not a concern). He doesn't think my lining will get that much thicker while remaining on the estrogen supplements, though.

However...

Dr. Weckstein is leaving for a 2-week vacation beginning next Friday (the 25th), which means if we delay my FET, another doctor will be performing the transfer. To me, that's huge! Dr. Weckstein has been the only doctor I've consulted with. He performed my egg retrieval, my embryo transfer...he's the one who closely monitors all my levels, and, most importantly, he knows my uterus!

That may sound silly, but that's very important, especially when placing such important cargo in there! :) My transfer wasn't super smooth, and, if you remember, he performed a uterine sounding at my follow-up appointment to determine the smoothest route to my uterus for my FET.

So, like I said, he has the inside scoop on my insides. And, really, I wouldn't feel comfortable with any other doctor performing the baby-making ritual.

My mom asked what my heart is telling me, and my original reaction was, "My heart is telling me this sucks," because, deep down, I really am not satisfied with either option. I'm not satisfied with the thickness of my uterine lining and I'm not satisfied with another doctor performing the FET.

My mom told me that's not the way to look at this, and she's right.

I shouldn't be trying to control this! Rather than focusing so much attention on my lining, I should be focusing on God. My darn lining is blinding me from where my true focus should really lie. On God!

I need to let go and let God!

And you know what? That is exactly what Aaron and I decided to do.

DIVINE INTERVENTION!!!


The timing of this cycle amazes me. Truly. The fact that my period started on time, resulting in my Estradiol tablets starting exactly two days after, which then determined when my sonogram would be scheduled to check my lining. And, with my first sonogram revealing too thin of a lining, another one needed to be scheduled a specific amount of time after, and with that sonogram then showing a "good and adequate lining for transfer," the FET is automatically scheduled for exactly one week later, which so happens to be the day before Dr. Weckstein leaves for his 2-week vacation.

You follow all of that? :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God, knowing my controlling, Type A personality, knew I would need His Divine Intervention to release this control I so unwillingly give up. By Dr. Weckstein being unavailable for two weeks beginning the day after my FET, I feel the tug at my heart, the necessary gentle push of God telling me to let it go.

Let it go that my uterine lining isn't the thickest on the block.

Let it go that my ego may be a little crushed, but that in turn should not reflect a crushed hope.

Let it go that even though my lining is roughly the same measurement as last time, God will bring us our baby(ies) if it is His will.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

My hope should not lie on my numbers. My hope needs to lie on my God.

So, with all that said, my FET is scheduled for this Thursday (the 24th)! I can't believe it! :)

Gotta Keep the Faith

There is a very popular K-6 school here in town called Walnut Elementary Education Center, excelling beyond all other elementary schools in Turlock. It offers two magnet programs - math/science and visual/performing arts.

Photo courtesy of Walnut Elementary's website.

This school is so popular that enrollment is based on a lottery system. 162 applications were submitted for kindergarten alone.

Ella's dance class is on Tuesday nights, so Aaron had to go to the lottery himself tonight.

He texted me in the middle of Ella's class saying she was sixty-something on the wait list for the math/science program with a sad face at the end. I couldn't believe the wait list would even be that long! Goodness!

After Ella and I got home from dance, Aaron called and, with a bummed tone, said he was on his way home and that she didn't get into the visual/performing arts program either. My heart sank. I was really holding out hope for that program (it was the one I really hoped she'd get into). But, in the middle of me asking where she was placed on the waiting list, he said, "JUST KIDDING! SHE GOT IN!!!"

I screamed with such happiness!

Aaron then went on to say that Ella was the last name called.

That made me smile even bigger! :)

It immediately made me start to think about what God may be telling me through this.

I know, I know...a lottery is just that. Chance! A luck of the draw! How does God have His hand in  that?

But, I think through Ella's name being called last, out of the 162 applicants, God is speaking to me. I feel God whispering to me to keep the faith. Even when there is only one more shot, He doesn't want me to lose hope. There is always hope. Always.

So, even though it seems silly to think God has His hand into Ella's enrollment in a school, He is in the business of purposely giving, not of meaningless chance, right?

Getting pregnant can be considered pure chance, but I believe with all my heart that God has control. He blessed us with our miracle baby, who is somehow now enrolled to begin kindergarten in just a few short months (I'm not going to cry!). Ella is in no way meaningless chance. She was purposely given to us by God.

So, with today's wonderful news of Ella getting into Walnut Elementary, I am reminded of God's goodness. I am reminded that, even when it may seem like all odds are against us, He still has our best interest at heart. Even though we are not able to conceive on our own and 30 months of secondary infertility are against us, He is encouraging us to not give up hope.

Just as Aaron continued to sit through the lottery with only one more name to call, God is encouraging us to faithfully continue through our battle with secondary infertility, even when this FET can very well be out last chance at another biological child, and keep the faith! :)

I Will Never Give Up

Even though this baby is not truly a "someone" yet, there is not a day that passes I don't think about him/her. I will never give up until this baby is in my arms. Be it naturally, through infertility treatment or adoption, I will never give up.

Only God knows when and how this baby will come to be, but I know our dream will come true.

Someday.

Somehow.

It will happen.

And until it does, I will not give up.

It's Go Time! (Take 2)

My hopefully last period of 2011 has arrived. Right on time at that! (None of that nonsense like my last cycle).

Up until when my period started, I was still debating whether to postpone my FET another month or not. I kept talking myself out of it. But, with my hope outshining my fear, I have decided to go for it.

Aaron left the decision up to me. He has been unbelievably, selflessly supportive  - constantly saying the right thing in the right way at the right time for me. He knows how to get through to me and then he also knows when he needs to give me time to think, pray, process and then come to a decision on my own.

And the decision has been made!

Throughout my entire IVF cycle I was filled with hope. And with that cycle ending unsuccessfully, my hope shattered into a million pieces. Over the past couple months, I have been trying to glue the pieces together again...to find that hope once more. And, honestly, it wasn't until today that I found that last piece.

It felt hopeless to be hopeful again, but somehow I am full of hope all over again. I feel God's peace, the sweetest feeling that can turn any situation upside down.

And my heart has indeed turned upside down. Or, should I say, right side up? :)

So, tomorrow I start taking my Estrace tablets. And then I go in for blood work and a sonogram on Monday, March 14th, to make sure my estrogen and progesterone levels are within range and that my uterine lining is thick and ready for the babies. :)

I have a feeling this month is going to fly by.

Lots of Bumps to My Baby Bump

I know someday I'll be pregnant. In my heart of hearts, I know that someday this journey will come to an end and my baby will no longer be a dream, but a tangible reality that I can cuddle, love on and devote myself to (other than my sweetheart, Ella, of course).

All the bumps I've experienced the past 2-1/2 years will lead to the ultimate bump. The bump I yearn for. My baby bump! :)

And even though each bump to this baby bump seems to get progressively harder to endure, I know that, in the end, everything will be fine. If it's not fine, then it's not the end!

Each bump, metaphorically, is like a mountain. Standing on top of a mountain allows me to see things I would not be able to see when in a comfortable, non-challenging, pain-free life. You see, even though infertility has brought us so much pain and doubt, it has also given us the opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to so much more than we could've imagined. The bumps along the road have allowed us to become better, stronger, unstoppable. Infertility is my own personal Mt. Everest, but imagine life's view from the earth's tallest point? Catch my drift?

Have any of you heard the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns?

The song starts off with the lyrics, "She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


I used to relate to those lyrics. I used to be that girl. The Bobbi 2-1/2 years ago is not the Bobbi today. The Bobbi today is stronger, and all of that strength has come from my relationship with God.

My faith is infinitely growing, and, in turn, Aaron and Ella's faith is growing too. God is a daily part of our lives now. We talk about Him, we pray together. He has become more of a focal point in our everyday going ons, and the more I focus on Him, the more peace I feel that He sees the bigger picture and that He will provide for our family. It's absolutely amazing how God has transformed our lives through this thing called infertility.

The song ends with the lyrics, "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


God was chasing me (and still is!). So long as I live in a broken world, He will always need to chase me. But, now I am more open to hearing His calling and living a life pleasing to Him. I can honestly say if Aaron and I conceived our second child as easily as we did Ella, our relationship with God would not be as strong as it is today. God knew infertility would be a necessary means to achieving this relationship.

That doesn't mean I have wholeheartedly accepted our situation, though. I still have moments of hopelessness and even anger, but each bump along our journey has made me stronger than every yesterday. In hindsight, each bump has blessed us, not hindered us. Even though going through a failed IVF cycle has been one of the lowest points in my life, I know I serve a faithful God, and He is and will continually use the relentless beating down of infertility to transform our lives for the better.

Infertility is so, so hard. No woman should be withheld from being a mom that so desperately wants to be one. But, I think a woman that becomes a mom, after having gone through years of infertility, has something special. Something that fertile women don't have. It's this underlying beauty. Just as a near death experience may awaken somebody to see life's true beauty, infertility has awakened me to see motherhood's true beauty. My baby will bring me to my knees in the deepest, most awesome appreciation ever. My entire soul will scream with delight. My heart will seriously burst with so much love that it will hurt. Infertility has opened me up to such depths.

So, I guess all that I have left to say is...

I CAN'T WAIT! :)

Indefinitely Postpone My FET

I haven't posted in awhile simply because I'm in a place. I'm sure most infertile women know this place and some might even visit often. It's the place of self-pity. A place where "Why me?" and "When will it be my turn?" are repeatedly questioned. A place where my worries, anxieties and stress outweigh my hope, determination and faith.

And even though I have the opportunity of a lifetime next month to transfer 3 beautiful blastocysts (2 of which are hatching out of their shells), I am scared out of my mind. Stress is squeezing every ounce of hope out of my being.

I am so scared to the point that I want to indefinitely postpone my FET. Seriously! I want to forever hold onto the hope those three frozen embryos give me. Once they are transferred, I have no back-up to ease my worry in case our FET doesn't work. But, right now, I have them and I don't want to lose them. I don't want my body to reject them like they did their "brother and sister." I don't want for us to go through all of this only to come out empty-handed (or should I say empty-wombed?).

I told Aaron today that maybe we should wait another month, but he is encouraging me otherwise. He told me that he doesn't think I'll every 100% be ready. And, I know he's right. I have days where I think I'm ready, but most days I'm so very scared.

Our IVF cycle and now our FET cycle have left us with a huge chunk of debt of which we are making nearly $300/month payments on...for the next 6 years! To me, though, that's a really small price to pay to make our dreams come true and make Ella a big sister, but the problem is there is no guarantee. We can do this FET, and even though my doctor said we will have a 70% go 75% chance it'll work (even better than the 66% statistic because we will be transferring three embryos), there is still that 25% to 30% chance that it won't work! And then what? All that debt for absolutely nothing and we start from square one again, but this time, thousands and thousands of dollars poorer.

It goes without saying, but this obviously adds to the stress. Stress I wish I didn't have, but there nonetheless. Finances have a way of making any matter worse, don't they? :(

Well, I'm ovulating today, so maybe...just maybe...all of this stress will be for nothing! Wouldn't God reveal a serious sense of humor in blessing us with a baby right now? So, like I've said time and time again...I can't help but try because when you want something so bad, you're willing to do the impossible.

Hump of Nerves

I'm 7 days into this cycle and becoming increasingly nervous with each passing day, knowing it's one day closer to next cycle. My FET cycle!

Other than the obvious reasons, why am I so flippin' nervous? Why can I not get over this hump of nerves to a place where I am genuinely excited? I want to be excited! I want to believe that this FET will bring Ella her sibling(s). But, I can't get over this hump. :(

I can honestly say I was not this nervous going into my fresh IVF cycle. I was so confident. I think much of that confidence stemmed from how well my body responded to the stimulation drugs. I had a ton of follicles growing at a good pace. On the day of my egg retrieval, I had 19 eggs retrieved (16 of which fertilized). All of this made me mistakingly over-confident going into my egg transfer.

I thought I had it in the bag.

I thought my body was going to follow along the same lines and respond well to the two transferred embryos. I thought my body would accept those babies and they'd snuggle into a welcoming environment for 9 months.

But, I couldn't have been more wrong.

And because of this huge blow to my self-confidence, I feel wary going into my FET.

I'm so nervous my body will reject the babies again and that I'll have to heal from another letdown. No, not letdown. That is too soft of a word. It's more like a heartbreak. Like, I literally lost two of my babies. A part of my family. A part of my life.

Lately, I've been really trying to remain optimistic. The mind is a powerful tool and I'm trying to use it to my benefit. I'm really focusing on being mentally healthy, as well as physically and emotionally.

As an attempt to get more physically fit before the transfer, I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. And, believe it or not, Ella does it with me every time. I just have to ignore her because if I look at her, I start laughing and lose focus. She's a riot! It's a lot of fun. :)

Emotionally, I feel more like myself! The countless drugs I was on during my IVF cycle really messed me up. And waiting for those drugs to leave my system, while coping with a failed IVF cycle, really took its toll on me. But, today, I can honestly say I feel like myself again, regardless of my nerves.

So, really...I'm feeling so much better than I was this time last month, so my only hope is that this time next month, during the early part of our FET cycle, I feel even more better. :)

This Says It All

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

This quote summarizes how I've been feeling lately. I'm getting more nervous and anxious as our FET approaches, mostly because I really feel like this is our last shot. I don't have a Plan C. I don't know if we can afford a Plan C.


But, then again, how could I give up when I know it's everything I want?

HCG and Progesterone Tests STAT

My RE requested I have HCG and progesterone blood tests done ASAP., with strict instructions on the order for Quest Diagnostics to process the request STAT.

Wow! STAT? Really?!?

I really didn't think it was all that important. I mean, I took a HPT yesterday and it was stark white negative. My doctor knows this, but yet, he wants to have a blood pregnancy test performed.

Suddenly, I start feeling that hope seep in again. The hope that I always manage to dig up, time and time again.

I made the appointment to have my blood drawn as soon I received the order and then it felt like Christmas Eve all over again. Sitting around, waiting for my doctor to call with the pregnancy results. Unfortunately, my nurse e-mailed me and said it looks like the results won't be in until tomorrow.

So, we wait! Heck, my period might start tonight for all I know!

But, while we wait, we still hold onto the chance that this is it. A chance that even with a negative pregnancy test at 18 or 19 dpo (approximately), I could still be pregnant, right? Right???

Heck, my friend had a negative HPT at 14 dpo and she ended up being pregnant with twins!

All things are possible. If God is for me, then who is against me? Pregnancy or no pregnancy this time around, God is teaching me so much about myself through this journey. Things that He knew I needed to learn and that I would only be open to learning through infertility, a disease which ripped out my heart and made me second guess the control I so confidently thought I had on my life. During the process of my heart being broken, God has amazingly healed it in ways that years ago, I would not have dreamed possible. Ways that only infertility could help me discover.

So, although I still scowl at infertility and would wish this on nobody, God was able to find His place in my life again. I didn't realize how much I needed Him in my life until all of this.

And, as a friend commented on a recent blog post...THANK GOD FOR GOD!!! Amen to that!

Could I be pregnant? Nah!!!

I'm on CD (cycle day) 32. That may not seem like a big deal, but my cycles are like clockwork, ranging from 28 to 29 days. No joke! I'm one of those very luck women with very predictable cycles. So, my tardiness leaves me a bit confused.

I noticed I ovulated on CD 12 this cycle, as opposed to the typical CD 14. So, technically, if I had ovulated "on time," I'd only be a couple days late right now, but I'm almost completely positive I ovulated two days early, and despite being told that we will likely never conceive on our own, Aaron and I can't help but try. When you want something so bad, you're willing to try the impossible.

So, we...you know...had timed intercourse.

Which then leads me to the question in my title. Could I possibly be pregnant???

All those drugs I had in my system the last two months could easily mess with my system. I know that. My doctor didn't warn me about having a wacky cycle following my unsuccessful IVF cycle, but I'm assuming that is what's going on here.

So, I'm hoping some women who have gone through a failed IVF cycle can relay their experience to me. Did you have an unpredictable cycle following IVF? Am I completely absurd to even consider the possibility (albeit, the size of a wart on a flea's face) that I'm pregnant? :)

I guess I always have hope. Even when I shouldn't.

What We'll Do Differently with our FET

If a couple's first IVF cycle doesn't work, it can be seen as trial by error opportunity. The RE is given the chance to analyze the failed cycle, solve any possible problems that might've risen and make any necessary changes that might result in a positive outcome the second time around.

And that is exactly how I am viewing things right now.

After meeting with Dr. Weckstein on Friday, and despite being told that we won't be able to conceive naturally on our own, I left the appointment feeling better than going in, simply for the fact that Dr. Weckstein reassured me on things that, quite frankly, I needed reassurance on.

The day of the transfer, my uterine lining was measured at 8.4. And even though any number above 8 is good, Dr. Weckstein would like to see a thicker uterine lining for our FET. 8.4 is considered a touch on the thin side. The thicker the uterine lining, the better it is for implantation. Makes sense.

So, instead of one Estrace (estrogen) tablet twice a day, as I did with our fresh IVF cycle, Dr. Weckstein is going to have me take two Estrace tablets twice a day, and then insert one vaginally. Sounds weird, I know, but somehow it absorbs right into my uterus that way.

Also, during my uterine sounding, Dr. Weckstein was able to go right through my cervix. No second tries, no complications...just a smooth entry. Nothing like when I had the actual transfer done. The reason being is because my bladder was not full!

During a transfer, the RE typically likes the bladder to be full because it's easier for them to see the uterus during the sonogram, but Dr. Weckstein thinks it'd be best for me to not have such a full bladder with our FET. And trust me, I'd prefer that! It's so uncomfortable holding in a full bladder while being "worked on" down there.

So, changes will be made for our upcoming FET, and hopefully these changes will make the difference needed to bring us our baby(ies).

But, before jumping into our FET, which Dr. Weckstein said we could do as soon as this next cycle (once I start my period), I am still working on making positive changes spiritually, physically and mentally. Because, right now, I'm not strong enough to fight through another negative result.

Good Bye, 2010! Nice Knowing Ya!

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days now. I'm still learning to cope with life after a failed IVF cycle and have, in turn, been in a writing slump (well, really a life slump, which is then reflected in my lack of blog posts).

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments, but I'm entitled to those moments. I'm very glad for our unsuccessful IVF to come at the end of 2010. This year has been rough and the negative results coming last week reemphasizes how much disappointment this year has brought us, and puts a big fat period (literally!) at the end.

But, now that 2010 is officially done, Aaron and I are forced (in a good way) to look to the future, rather than dwell on the past. 2010 is over. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears are "so last year," and we are now living in the here and now. In 2011.

So, with the half glass full, I'm keeping my head high and my faith higher. 2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!

If you are new to following our journey, feel free to click HERE for a timeline of what we did this past year in hopes of conceiving our second child. You'll be able to see it's been quite the year.

We Beat the Odds

We had less of a chance of not getting pregnant, but we beat the odds. We're not pregnant.

I received the call from Dr. Weckstein about 12:30 this afternoon. "I'm so sorry, Bobbi, but I have bad news." The rest of the conversation was an emotional blur. I cried and listened. I got off the phone and just hugged Aaron, sobbing in each other's arms. I hadn't cried that hard since as long as I can remember. Hiccuping and hyperventilating almost to the point of throwing up.

Dr. Weckstein said he's positive 2011 will be our year. Little did he know that this will be the third year I've said that. My 2010 New Year's resolution was to get pregnant. I didn't come close. Not at all.

He went on to say that two of our three frozen embryos are better quality than the two we transferred this cycle. If you remember, this cycle we transferred 3AA and 5B-B- embryos. The ones we have frozen are graded 5AA (as good as it gets), 5BB- and 2AB.

I have an appointment on January 7th for what would've been our babies' first sonogram. We're keeping the appointment, but this time to discuss our failed IVF cycle and to talk about our game plan. He also wants to do a uterine sounding. Say what???

Well, what I failed to disclose about our transfer, is that Dr. Weckstein had a semi-difficult time getting to my uterus. One would think to just go straight up through the cervix and bada boom bada bing, there would be the uterus. With me, he had to go through many attempts. Over this. Under that. It was very strange. Who would've thought there'd be "obstructions."

Anyway, Dr. Weckstein wants to ensure a completely smooth transfer for our frozen embryo transfer (FET), so he's going to basically do a practice run with an empty catheter.

How am I feeling? Sooooooooo down, but Aaron's hand holding and constant glances of similar disappointment and pain, Sister's love pats, my brother-in-law Tim's reminder that they love us, Dad's tear-filled hug and Mom's optimistic hope for the future all helped me get through what I imagined would be the hardest day.

Today was hard. Very hard. But, at the end of the day, I have a beautiful family who proved to me today just how much I mean to them and how willing they are to be there for me.

From the moment I took one step into the door at my parents' house, my mom and Sister hugged me, cried with me, and allowed me to just crumble into their arms.

I then hugged my dad. I could feel him sobbing with me while hugging. I never realized how much my family is affected by this, how badly they want this for us, too.

Ella saw that I was crying and asked if I was okay. Knowing I needed to tell her the truth, I hugged her and looked into her big brown eyes, and had the following conversation with her.

"You know those babies we've been praying for? The babies in Mommy's tummy?"

"Yeah."

"Well, God decided that it's not our time to have those babies. God wants you to be our one and only child right now."

"Why?"

"I don't know why. Only God knows why this happened."

I didn't know if she really understood, but later on, she came up to me and said, "God doesn't want us to have the babies anymore." Seeing she was sad about it, I told her, "Just for right now. In a couple two days we will have the babies." ("Couple two days" is her way of referring to sometime in the future. Cute, huh?).

I have to keep telling myself that, too. In a couple two days, Aaron and I will be blessed with another baby. In a couple two days, God will reveal his beautiful plan for our lives. In a couple two days, all this pain and sadness will be no more and all we will feel is immeasurable joy.

In a couple two days.

Starting to Think This Might've Worked

I so wish the egg retrieval wasn't postponed that extra day. I'd be finding out if I'm pregnant TOMORROW. But instead, I'm only 7dp5dt, and my Beta pregnancy test isn't scheduled until Friday.

I have to tell you, despite the agonizing circle of emotions this wait has put me through, the "two week wait" (well, technically, 9 days since transfer day) has flown by. I thought time would stand still. And even though each day seemingly dragged on and on, the days combined flew into each other.

I think most of it is due to my in-laws visiting. They arrived Saturday (3dp5dt) and just left today. Time always passes faster when routine is interrupted and some fun is brought into the picture. (Not to say my life isn't fun, but you know what I mean!).

As for how I'm feeling...that's hard to answer.

The ups and downs I'm going through is serious business. Literally, my mood can change in the blink of an eye! I can be so filled with hope and positive vibes one minute, and down in the dumps, ready to call it quits the next.

My bum is so sore from the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections. I'm alternating the nightly stabs from left cheek to right cheek, but when the allowed area for Aaron to inject me is so small, it feels each shot is given at the same exact spot. The pain of each shot just adds to the already swollen and bruised area. Ever gotten a shot on a deep bruise? Yeah, not so fun! The shots didn't start out so bad, but with each passing night, it gets worse and worse, because I'm stabbing an area that needs to be left alone to heal, instead of brought more pain. I have big welts that seriously feel like oversized golf balls under my skin. Gross!

My cramps have subsided some, with my worst cramps being from 2dp5dt to 5dp5dt (when the little guy(s) implanted and burrowed deeper into my uterine lining...hopefully). Yesterday and today, the cramps are minimal. They are just annoying cramps that when I think about, I feel, but when I'm busy, I don't feel. Ah, the power of the mind!

As far as other symptoms...

1.  I'm dirt tired. Like, going to bed at 7:30 with my 4-year old tired. I've been getting a lot of sleep, but yet, come mid-afternoon, I'm still ready to crash.

However...I could just be tired from all the hormones and emotions messing with me.

2.  Late yesterday afternoon through right now, I've had a headache. Extra Strength Tylenol does aboslutely nothing for my pain, so I'm just hydrating myself in hopes that it'll help, but nope. I've heard that headaches are sometimes a symptom of early pregnancy.

However...the headache could be a side effect from the hormone medication I'm on. Or, Aaron thinks the headache might be from caffeine withdrawls, since I'm used to a cup of coffee a day and haven't had any since last Wednesday (transfer day). I would think if there were any withdrawals, I would've felt them earlier. I don't know. I've never gone without coffee before! LOL!

3.  My boobs are now getting sore. They haven't been this whole time, which I thought was weird, considering the Estrace (estrogen) tablets and PIO shots should cause some discomfort, but nada...until yesterday. Although only mild, they have now reached a point of noticeable discomfort.
 
However...my boobs always get sore right before I start my period.

4.  Metal taste in my mouth. I've heard women having this sympton in early pregnancy, but never thought anything of it. Beginning yesterday morning, though, I've noticed a metallic taste in my mouth. All the water I've been drinking has a bitter metal taste to it. I don't know how else to describe it other than sticking a nickel in my mouth, sucking on it for a little while, and then having that aftertaste in my mouth.

However...this unexplained taste could be from the PIO injections. Every time Aaron gives me the shot, I can taste it. Seriously! And it's disgusting!

5.  And, last but not least, naueasu has kicked in. Yesterday morning while at work, I noticed I was feeling faint nausea. I texted Aaron and told him, and his response was a quick, "Well, duh, you're pregnant!" :) I felt it throughout the day yesterday, especially near dinner time again, and when I got to work this morning, the feeling resurfaced.

However...the metal taste in my mouth can be making me feel nauseaus.

Quiz:

What can be causing most, if not all, the symptoms described above?

(a) Pregnancy
(b) Period
(c) Hormones/medication/injections
(d) All of the above.

If you answered (d), you are correct.

As Will Ferrell in Anchorman puts it best, "I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

It's Really Starting to Hit Me

I'm getting nervous. Every time I think about going through with IVF, I feel like I want to cry. I'm so nervous that we'll do it and it won't work and we'll be $15,000 in the hole with nothing to show for it. I'm so nervous that I won't be able to bounce back from that.

Aaron has been sensing my mood. He can tell when I'm in this funk. He can tell when I'm thinking tons of thoughts that I'm not sharing. He knows when to ask questions and when to give me space. And usually, when he asks what is wrong, he hears, "I'm fine" in response. Do you know what fine really means??? According to my husband, it means that I am...

F - freaked out,
I - insecure,
N - neurotic, and
E - emotional.

Sadly, he's right on all four counts.

Of course, I laugh whenever he gives me the "true" definition of being fine, but then from the laughter comes tears. The real ones. The ones that I hold in for so long.

I feel like a dam! I really do! I feel like I'm holding all this weight and pressure behind me, a wall of water (my infertility) pounding against my back, pushing at me, wearing me down. But, I stand strong! Every once in awhile I break down and the tears flow (and, oh, do they flow), but who doesn't feel better after a good cry? So, I regroup, focus on God and my family, and build myself back up into that strong dam.

And after 25 months, you better believe that I'm a strong woman!

But...

If this IVF fails, I don't know how quickly I'll be able to rebuild myself. I fear that I'll be indefinitely unfixed. I fear that the hope I'm so tightly holding onto will be silenced from the loud scream of defeat.

Because there is a chance...a 50/50 chance (althought my doctor quoted me 60/40)...that I will not conceive via IVF. I'm not a gambling woman and if I were at a casino and was told to drop $15,000 with a 50% shot of winning, I'd say, "Peace out!" and walk the other way.

But if I were told to drop $15,000 with a 50% shot of having a baby, I'd do it! Which is why Aaron and I are going for it!

Lets just hope I haven't used up all my strength by then so that if it doesn't work, I'm able to build myself back up again.