To Test or Not to Test

Obviously, I'm not talking about peeing on a stick here. :)

I'm talking about testing for birth defects.

At my last OB-GYN appointment, Aaron and I were presented with the choice of pursuing birth defect testing. The first blood draw has to be between 10 weeks and 13 weeks and 6 days. The second blood draw has to be between 15 and 20 weeks of pregnancy. The two blood test results are then combined and we are given our baby's risk assessments for down syndrome, trisomy 18, neural tube defects (such as spina bifida), etc.

With Ella, we were also given the choice to pursue testing, and we opted not to. We had no worries whatsoever.

And, really, this time around I don't have any worries.

But, at the same time, I sure would love to do the testing and have everything come back fine.

But, what if it didn't? Aaron and I would not consider aborting our baby. No way, no how! Our doctor said it's good to know in advance to mentally prepare ourselves, rather than waiting the day of our baby's birth to find out something is "off."

Even though I agree with that idea, I am a firm believer that this baby is a gift from God. He is entrusting us to be this child's parents. Be it a boy or a girl, mentally healthy or not, it is the child God intended for us to raise in this family. I don't need to mentally prepare myself for that.

Plus, the statistics are very low.

According to March of Dimes, the following statistics hold:

• At age 25, the risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1 in 1,250.
• At age 30, the risk is 1 in 1,000.
• At age 35, the risk is 1 in 400.
• At age 40, the risk is 1 in 100.
• At age 45, the risk is 1 in 30.

I'm 27 years old.

Trisomy 18 is a harder pill to swallow. Children born with Trisomy 18 suffer severe mental retardation, heart defects and other health problems. They usually die early on: 30% by 1 month of age, 50% by 2 months of age and 90% die by 12 months of age. Sad, huh?

But, it is still not my place to "terminate" a life. Only God can give life and take life away.

My OB-GYN was such a strong advocate for testing - it made me second guess myself! He told me based on this ultrasound, he does not see any red flags, but that he always tells his patients to test. Well, we'll see if this patient decides to! :)

And, if you recall, I had some testing done before my IVF cycle, and it was determined that I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis. That came as quite a shock! Aaron did preliminary testing, and thank God, he is NOT a carrier.

However, because insurance wouldn't cover the more extensive testing and we were already forking out thousands of dollars for infertility treatment, we chose not to pursue the more extensive testing. Our doctor told us that given that I'm a carrier and Aaron's preliminary testing was fine but further testing wasn't done, we have a 1 in 500 chance of having a kid with cystic fibrosis.

Yet some more numbers to worry about.

I refuse to live in fear for the next six months, though. There are always scary statistics to throw at vulnerable people, especially pregnant women. Heck, each of us carry a statistic over our heads every time we get in our car.

So, even though our minds aren't completely made up on birth defect testing, writing this post helped me see where I really stand. Thank you for listening. :)

Losing My Writing Mo Jo!

I don't know if it's my pregnancy brain, my pregnancy sucking up all my energy or my inability to think of anything profound to write about, but lately, I feel like I'm losing my writing mo jo!

And that does not make me very happy!

I love blogging! I love writing! But, recently, whenever I think about writing a post, I find myself in a slump. The words just don't come to me. They don't flow out of me like they used to.

I'm convinced it's the pregnancy doing this to me, and I'm hoping once I pass the exhausting first trimester, I find my mo jo.

In the meantime, even though I'm not posting as frequently, it doesn't mean I'm not trying!

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

Can't Stop Smiling

I got to see our baby today! My heart was beating a mile a minute as the image came up on the screen. Not knowing what to expect to see, how much bigger the baby would be, if a flickering heart would be easily visible...scaring myself with every mom-to-be's worst case scenarios...but every worst case scenario quickly dismissed when I saw our baby!

Aaron and I are thrilled beyond words' description with how well he/she is doing!

I'm 9 weeks 3 days pregnant today, and the baby measured at 9 weeks 2 days +/- 3 days, so right on track!

The heart beat came in at a strong, healthy, booming 170 bmp. Our doctor even put the speaker on really loud, so the priceless sound echoed through the entire room. Tears! Goosebumps! I tell ya, the whole works!

I think my all-time favorite, though, was seeing him/her squirm around in there. The hips were moving to and fro, the arms were flailing about. The alien-sized head was bouncing from left to right. The legs were tucked under, so we didn't see any tap dancing today. :)

And, to top it all off, our OB-GYN, Dr. Palitz, is awesome!!! Meeting a brand spankin' new OB-GYN after leaving the comfort of my infertility clinic that knows me through and through was hard, but the second I stepped in and spoke with the receptionist, I knew I was led to the right place. My doctor is amazing! He walked in with jeans and a half-marathon shirt on, completely laid back and easy-going...exactly what this high strung, overly questioning, relentless mama needs.

And, being a sole practitioner for many, many years has given him the opportunity to see and experience all things pregnancy, all things baby, and all things delivery, which is so comforting for me. And, with all that experience comes a knack for guessing a baby's sex early on. So, you can imagine when he blurted out, "I think it's a boy," we were a little taken aback.

"What??? How do you know?"

"I think I can see a little something, but it's hard to see a little something when your baby is so tiny. But, I'm gonna put in your charts boy with a question mark."

Aaron still believes the baby is a girl. Daddy always knows. After all, he was so confident Ella was going to be a girl that he went and bought a pink Baby Gap jumpsuit before finding out Ella was a girl!

Dr. Palitz said everything is just as it should be and the chance of miscarriage is very, very low now. He said he doesn't witness many miscarriages at all after seeing what he saw today. Music to my ears.

We left the office with two big bags filled with baby magazines, pregnancy journals, free samples, and a confidence in our step as we held hands, smiling from ear to ear, soaking in how truly blessed we are.

Progesterone Level Not High Enough

My progesterone level is only 22.7.

In the first trimester, a healthy progesterone level is between 9 and 47.

When my progesterone level was taken when I had my blood draw for my second beta, it was 20. I would've thought with all the progesterone I've been pumping into my body, it would've increased more, but nope.

22.7 it is.

The nurse said it's not a worrisome number. If my doctor was concerned, he would've had me increase my progesterone dosages, but he's having me keep everything the same for a week and then go in for another blood test.

I'm just scared my level's not increasing fast enough. It hardly went up at all in five weeks!

My nurse explained that it's a good thing that it didn't decrease, even if it didn't increase all that much. She said that my body will soon take over making the necessary progesterone the baby needs and I will no longer need the supplemental treatment.

As you can see in the below graph, on average, the progesterone level for nine weeks is somewhere between 25.9 and 30.0. I'm not too far behind.

For those of you who don't know, progesterone is such an important hormone to maintain a pregnancy. When progesterone levels are too low or decrease, it is a sign of an impending miscarriage.

All in all, I'm not concerned. I guess I was just expecting my levels to have increased more and for me to be in the clear to stop my injections and inserts, but it looks like I have at least another week. I know Nurse Aaron will be thrilled. :)

My Hair Smells Like Progesterone

I have still been keeping up with my nightly PIO injections, along with twice a day Prometrium inserts. The inserts aren't so bad - just somewhat of a nuisance. But, those shots! Those massive, thick shots of progesterone in oil are killing me.

My RE had told me I have to keep with my progesterone and estrogen (I'm taking Estradiol twice a day, too) treatment because, if I stopped, I would miscarry. He told me it's like feeding my baby. These hormones are necessary to keep this pregnancy healthy and the baby happy.

And a happy baby is a happy mommy, despite my bruised, lumpy, inflamed, rocks-under-the-skin butt cheeks.

When a woman conceives naturally, her body produces the right levels of hormones.  But, when going through FET, my body didn't produce anything. My body was forced not to ovulate. My ovaries were suppressed. The only hormones in my body were those being pumped in artificially.

But, when a pregnancy reaches around nine weeks, the placenta begins producing the hormones.

I had my blood drawn today to see where my levels are, and will get the results tomorrow. If all is as it should be (knock on wood), tonight marked my last injection!

And, if it's not, then that's okay, too! I'm willing to do anything to keep my baby healthy. Anything.

A Little Question Never Hurt Anybody

As you all know, my first "graudated" appointment (meaning, not with my RE, but with a regular OB-GYN) was scheduled for Monday, May 16th. That didn't sit well when I made the appointment, and it still didn't sit well to this day. That would've been 3-1/2 weeks of not seeing Jelly Bean during the very vulnerable first trimester. Too long for this mama!

I figured, "What does it hurt to call and see if there happened to be any cancellations?"

I kindly reminded the receptionist that I conceived via IVF (I didn't want to say FET because I didn't know if she'd know what that meant), and that I'm really anxious to see my baby.

And, lo and behold, there is an opening on Tuesday, May 10th!!!

I realize that is only 6 days earlier, and in the grand scheme of things, what's an extra 6-day wait?

But things are different with this pregnancy.

Very, very different.

And, if I have three or four ultrasounds in my first trimester alone, then so be it! :)

Feeling Guilty

There has been a lot of unwanted news in the blogging community lately. A lot of failed cycles. A lot of pregnancy losses. And, especially for Angie, who is experiencing a huge heart break after discovering her baby's heart stopped beating (she was roughly a week ahead of me), a lot of questions of, "Why?" have been floating around.

After reading about infertile women still struggling, still crying themselves to sleep at nights, still dreaming of that second line, I can't help but feel a sense of guilt.

That was me just a few weeks ago.

(Wow! What a difference a few weeks can make!).

My struggle leading to where I am was by no means easy. I suffered so much. And, even though I'm pregnant, the pain is still raw. This pregnancy feels so unreal, like, sometimes I have to remind myself that it's actually finally happening! That my time has finally come! And each day that passes in this pregnancy, the pain becomes less prominent while I allow the happiness to fully seep in.

But, I still feel guilty that my time has come and that so many women are still left struggling. Even though I am allowing happiness to soak in, I can't help but feel so much sadness for everybody still struggling. I still have the heart of an infertile woman, even though my womb is no longer empty. I still feel that pain. It doesn't just disappear after two lines.

And every time I read a story about somebody's cycle not working, I want to help ease their pain, but there is nothing I can do, other than allow my story be a beacon of hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Waiting Doesn't Stop with the 2 WW

Hands down, the two week wait is the worst. The time from when you might have conceived to the time of finding out if you did is an extremely long wait. I went through many, many of those waits. Believe me, they are the worst!

But, once you do conceive, once those two lines finally appear, the waiting does not end. I thought it would! But, boy, I could not have been more wrong.

You wait for beta results (if you went through infertility treatment, that is).

You wait for your first sonogram.

You wait for your second sonogram.

And, I am now in the process of waiting for my third sonogram.

I'll admit...I was completely spoiled being able to see Jelly Bean at six weeks and then again at seven weeks, but now I have to wait...

...until I'm 10-1/2 weeks.

Yes, you heard right. :(

My first appointment with my new OB-GYN is not until May 16th!!! I was so disappointed when the receptionist said that was the soonest I could get in. It seriously makes me want to call another OB-GYN to see if I could get in sooner, but this office has been favorably recommended by my RE and a couple who also went through IVF, so I'm planning on sticking out the wait.

It just makes me nervous to go that long without seeing my Jelly Bean.

Not knowing what's going on in there! Is he/she growing well? How's his/her heart beating?

Thankfully, my nausea is still in full force, which reminds me that my body is still telling itself that it's pregnant. My fatigue is also putting me to bed the same time as Ella every night. No joke.

But, naturally, I worry when I feel too much stretchy cramps, and then I worry when I feel too little stretchy cramps. I worry when my boobs hurt less one day over another.

However...worry is the opposite of having faith! So, I'm going to put all my faith in God to protect our baby. I pray he will continually bless this pregnancy. He has entrusted this family with this baby, giving us the utmost honor to bring another Johnson into the world, and it's unfair to God for me to worry so much. It's unfair for me to not put all my trust in God.

So, even though I'm going to endure a painfully long wait the next 2-1/2 weeks, I am not going to worry. I am going to keep one hand on my belly and the other lifted up to my God, thanking Him for my Jelly Bean. Because, even though I can't see how he/she is doing in there, God knows. Because, after all...

"[God] created my inmost being; [He] knit me together in my mother’s womb." (Psalm 139:13).

What A Great Good Friday

Our baby was supposed to double in size this past week, and today's ultrasound revealed just that! He/she grew...a lot! :)

And, to make today's ultrasound even more special, Ella came with us! She had such an observant look on her face the entire time...carefully taking everything in. Dr. Weckstein was really great with her, including her in what was displayed on the screen, asking her if she sees the flickering heart and the baby's head. It was so special sharing this experience with Ella today. I will never forget it.

And, as if seeing the baby wasn't enough while having my "big baby" sitting next to me, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time today! It measured at a whopping 133bpm, right on track! Hearing the "ba bum, ba bum, ba bum" was so magical! Dr. Weckstein said generally a heartbeat can't be heard until the baby is further along, but his high tech instrument and our baby made some musical magic. :)

Apparently, at last week's ultrasound, the baby only measured at 5 weeks 4 days. The doctor who performed the ultrasound told us that he/she measured at 6 weeks 0 days, but I guess that measurement was big, after looking back at all the images, and Baby Jelly Bean is a couple days "younger" than we thought.

Today's ultrasound revealed the baby measuring at 6 weeks 4 days, which means he/she grew proportionally one week in size this past week. Just what we want to see! :)

And, I guess I miscalculated my due date. I thought the baby was due December 9th, but it's really December 10th. Oops! :) At least I was only off by a day, and not by an entire month or something.

Because of what was seen and heard at today's ultrasound, we have officially graduated from our RE's office. Leaving RSC Bay Area is bittersweet. The doctors, nurses and staff were all so incredibly heartwarming and sincere in their quest of making our dreams come true, and it's sad to just up and leave. (Although, I can't say I will miss the drive!). The experience there was life-changing, life-creating and I am forever indebted to Dr. Weckstein for bringing us our bundle of joy.

Today was such a blessed Good Friday! I feel so unworthy as I witness God's goodness in my life. Blessed is an understatement when I reflect on my life. He has provided for my family with limitless means, and now with my family growing, despite feeling undeserving of such goodness, He continues to provide and demonstrate His unending love for me.

Not Much to Report Here

There isn't much to report here. Taking each day as it comes, as far as my pregnancy goes. I feel with each subsequent day, my nausea gets worse. I love the constant reminder that I'm pregnant, though. I'd rather have all symptoms, than no symptoms!

Plus, I've been praying for this pregnancy for so long that I'm soaking in every minute of it...throw up and all. :)

Aside from my pregnancy, things have been going well. Aaron's gearing up for his Spring break next week (lucky duck!) and plans on doing yard work in our front yard. Our front yard has been needing major attention since we moved to this house four years ago, but the only thing we have managed to do up until this point is take everything out the prior owner put in. It was an absolute, overgrown mess! Aaron's been itching to put in some new shrubs and set up planter areas alongside our house, so he's having at it next week. Hopefully the weather will stay cool enough for him. :)

Plan Nursery is underway, with what little we can commit to at this point in the pregnancy. We moved our iMac from the former office / future nursery to our bedroom. I didn't think it'd look that good in there, since our bedroom set is dark (click HERE to see pictures of our master bedroom), and our computer desk is a light maple, but it looks just fine sitting in the corner (after moving some things around a bit, of course). Aaron didn't see the point in moving the computer and felt it could stay in the nursery, but with the longing anticipation this pregnancy has come with, I want to create a budgeted masterpiece of a nursery, and a big ol' desk and computer aren't a part of my Plan Nursery. Hormonal pregnant woman has spoken! :)

Ella's been doing wonderful in her ballet/tap class. I haven't posted many pictures this time around because her classes are in an actual studio. Meaning, the parents sit behind a glass window (allowing us to see in, but not for the kiddos to see out). Every picture is either blurry because there is no flash or blinded out with a flash on the window. I just need some of Aaron's photograph magic. :)

Sorry for the rambling post. Like I said in my title...not much to report here, so I figured I'd leave you with a few updates on our going-ons. Hope you are all having a wonderful week in preparation of Easter!