Cinder-Ella

My daughters loves to dance.

Sometimes, right when she gets home from school, she asks that I turn the music on so she can dance.

At night, she asks that we turn music on so she can watch her reflection in our sliding glass door while she twirls around.

A day does not pass that she doesn't dance.

She's always yelling out, "Mommy, watch! Daddy, watch!" and seems to learn new exciting moves everyday! I would definitely say dancing is her #1 passion.

Dressing up (or anything related to clothes) is a close second. So, naturally, before she begins dancing, she dresses herself up.

Well, this day, Ella decided she needed a Prince Charming to dance with, so she asked Daddy if she would be her Prince Charming and dance with her. Aaron took the role very seriously, and after being in the bedroom for awhile, came out in slacks, a dress-up shirt and tie. Ella was so excited! She then adorned him in jewelry and a crown, and they began to dance.

And, of course, I couldn't help but play "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman for them to dance to. How could I not? The opportunity perfectly presented itself.

I cried (and you'll hear it in my voice) while watching the two of them dance. And, I can't help but tear up a bit every time I watch this video. I am just so lucky.

Here's the video...

Oh Christmas Tree (Written Last December)

I wrote this post last December, while going through our IVF cycle, which you all know was unsuccessful. I just want you all to remember the sense of hope and joy this season brings. Even though our first IVF cycle was not the one to bring us our baby, God has used that dark time in my life for His glory. And never, ever, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine that I would have a son to share the following Christmas with. So, never give up hope! Even in the darkest of times, keep your faith strong and your head held high. Because, even though we cannot see our future, God has it perfectly arranged with our best interest at heart.

Oh Christmas Tree

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

The first year, Ella was only a couple months older than a year. She was new to walking and you can imagine how uncoordinated she was exploring on uneven ground, but luckily, diapers provide the best cushion. At this age, Ella would say, "Prettiessss!" So, once all the lights were wrapped around our chosen tree, we heard her soft coos of adoration. I can just hear her young voice now when.

The second year, I remember Ella thoroughly enjoying herself, but you would've never guessed it as she was going through her "serious stage." I didn't get one single picture of her smiling! This stage lasted for months at which time she constantly had a serious look on her face, observing everything, soaking it all in.

This year also marked our first holiday season together while trying to conceive our second child. The holidays came and went, but it didn't really phase us because we both figured we'd have a baby wrapped in our arms at next year's Christmas tree cutting excursion.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. Big time.

The following year Ella was three years old. This year her opinions really started to evolve, pointing out trees that she thought were best and worthy of taking home. With each passing year, Ella's enthusiasm grew. And there's nothing like witnessing a child's excitement during the holidays, especially your own child's. It's very magical.

And, despite how much I love the tree farm and how it commemorates the beginning of the holidays, a part of me didn't want another holiday season to pass without a positive home pregnancy test, without seeing those miraculous two lines, without a little peanut growing inside of me, let alone a baby cradled in my arms! Nevertheless, Christmas is still a time for celebration and celebrate is what I did, but not without that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me every now and again.

This past weekend marked our fourth trip to the tree farm and still no baby. But, despite having an empty womb, I still have my beautiful 4-year old daughter to share the experience with. Her maturity shined during this visit, showing both of us how much she's grown up this past year. She was still so excited, and I don't think we passed a tree without her saying, "How about this one?" :)

So, this Christmas season marks over 2 years and 3 months of trying to conceive. Those were the longest, but yet fastest 27 months of our marriage.

However, instead of feeling incredibly hopeless this holiday season, I feel quite the opposite. IVF has filled me with an unimaginable sense of hope! After all, isn't the message of Christmas really a story of hope? Isn't hope the ultimate gift God has promised all of us with the birth of his son, Jesus Christ?

God blessed Aaron and me with a Christmas pregnancy in 2005, and we are both hoping and praying that a similar blessing is a part of God's plan for our lives this Christmas.

Holy Cow, I'm Going to Have Two Kids!

Obviously, I'm very aware of the fact that I'll be a mom of two kids. And, I'm over-the-moon happy that I get to finally give Ella a younger sibling. That we finally get to be a family of four. That this long-awaited dream is finally about to come true!

But, I guess as we continue to slowly get ready for the little guy, the thought of being a mom of two kids is starting to settle in more. It used to be such an abstract thought, but it's become very real now. And, I think I'm starting to feel uneasy about how this family will adjust to this new life.

It's always just been the three of us. The three amigos! The three musketeers! (You get the picture). Ella's never had to deal with sharing Mommy or Daddy. We have completely revolved our days around Ella and her needs / wants. She's been the center of our lives since she was born, and she knows it. She feels the attention and love we constantly give her.

But now, this attention and love will be shared between her and Tristan. And honestly, I'm a little bit scared. I don't want to completely flip Ella's world upside down. I want the transition into having a baby brother be an easy, natural and happy experience for her. But, I know my Ella. And, I'm fearful that this may not be so easy for her.

I know I have an infinite amount of love stored in my beating Mommy heart. I'm not afraid that I won't have enough love to give to both of them. No way! I guess I'm afraid Ella will not feel as much love because she will see that it'll be shared. Despite there being unlimited love, there is only one Mommy and one Daddy, and I don't want Ella to feel any less love because the love is being shared with her baby brother.

Ella has been very involved in this pregnancy. She's very aware that Tristan will soon be here. She loves on him, hugs him, tells him sweet nothings, but the idea of having an actual baby brother is abstract. It's not real to her yet. She knows what a baby is and she knows what a brother is, but she doesn't know what it means for her in her life. How things are gonna change.

And, it wasn't until I hung up two hooks with two bath towels for two kids in our bathroom that the idea fully settled into my gut. Even Aaron saw the look on my face and was like, "Are you okay?"

My response, "I just can't believe we're finally going to have two kids."

Our pink bunny and our chunky monkey.

So, my prayer and goal are to let Ella always know she's still my #1 girl. She's still the love of my life. And no baby brother will ever take away from the huge imprint she has in my heart. And, I hope that I will be able to show her what infinite love really is. That, even though she will now be sharing my love with Tristan, that my love is immeasurable and indefinite. She is getting no less. Time, on the other hand, is a totally different story.

In any case, saying I'm going to be the mom of two kids feels so good! Soooooo good! :)

Ella's Newly Formed Fearfulness

I think Ella is a late blossomer in this new phase of her personality. Shyness. And, it's not really just shyness, it's extreme attachment. And, it's mainly to me.

She was amazingly brave the first day of kindergarten. Not a tear was shed (from her eyes, at least). No looking back to see where we went. No hesitation in jumping into whatever was asked of her. A completely happy-go-lucky, fearless attitude was displayed.

But this fearlessness has subsided, and in its place has come this new side of Ella.

Attachment.

Fear.

Shyness.

A couple weeks after starting kindergarten, we introduced Ella to Sparkies. If you remember, Ella joined AWANA last year and absolutely LOVED Cubbies (the 3 to 4 year old AWANA club). Well, as a kindergartner this year, she got bumped up to join Sparkies (the club for K through 2nd graders). We dropped her off the first night thinking she'd be just fine. She sat down in this huge room of her rowdy peers, looked back to blow us a kiss and do her goofy little wave, and showed the brave, independent personality we had grown to accept from her.

We left with her smiling.

But, when it came time to go to Sparkies the following week, we saw a complete 180 in Ella.

She said she was scared and that she didn't want to go. She said she was shy in meeting new friends and that she didn't know anybody. She was counting down the days 'til she had to go again, not because she was excited, but because she was scared.

We didn't know quite how to react to this because we had never seen this side of her before.

And then, she started disliking kindergarten. The past two weeks, every time I've had to leave her crying (and do you know how hard that is???). She would cling. She would not want to leave me. She would cause a scene and then become embarrassed with the attention she was bringing herself, and bury her head even further into me.

I would ask her why she doesn't like kindergarten, and her only explanation was that she missed me. She complained of the seats being cold and not knowing what to do all the time, but it always circled back to her saying she missed me.

The tears both she and I have shed the past couple weeks are countless. I threw up in the car from crying so hard after dropping her off at Sparkies (thank you, pregnancy!). Just witnessing her sitting with her head in her hands, bright red, trying to hold back tears, but not being able to. The desperate look of asking me to make her feel better, to help her feel comfortable, to hug and hold her, but simply walking away. Leaving her to find comfort herself.

She and I prayed many times these past couple weeks. And, goodness, her prayers bring on a whole new level to my already breaking heart. Maturely and quietly she would pray, "Dear God, please help me be strong and brave. I know I'm shy, but please help me try my hardest. Amen."

And despite her cold, clammy hands and heldback tears, she's pulling through. She's slowly becoming the outgoing, fearless girl we once knew. This setback was quite unexpected, and as parents, it made us question ourselves. Are we pushing her too hard? Should we not make her go to Sparkies? Did we put her in kindergarten too soon? Should we have waited a year? After all, she is still only 4 years old.

But, deep down, we both know Ella is fine. Every time we pick her up from kindergarten or Sparkies, she would say she had fun (but then when it came time to go again, she'd have reservations, cling and cry). I talked with the Sparkies leader and her kindergarten teacher, and both say she eventually calms down ("she'll feel better when she feels better") and moves onto being her happy, bubbly, charismatic self. It's just too bad we don't get to see it. We just see the tears.

It'll be nice when taking her to sunday school on Sunday mornings isn't an emotional ordeal, and this is the last face we see.

It'll be amazing when I can drop her off at kindergarten with a huge hug, kiss and smile, and Puppy can stay home instead of be stuffed in her backpack to help comfort her.

It'll be a breath of fresh air when Wednesday nights are not dreaded, but instead a happy time, as we take Ella to Sparkies.

Until then, all we can do is reinforce how much we love her, how proud we are of her and continue to push her, giving her the confidence she needs to get through this rough patch.

And work through the tears (and tear-induced nausea!).

The Many Levels of Ella

Lazy Ella (and Bob) - watching her morning episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Angry Ella - being disciplined by Daddy for yelling at him.

Imaginative Ella - playing in her fort.

See Bob? :)

Goofy Ella - playing dress-up with her old soccer shin guards (that hardly fit her anymore).

Even goofier Ella.

Playful (and patient) Ella - waiting for Mommy to put the camera down to go in her bedroom and play.

Fish Ella - willingly allowing me to take a picture of her before her afternoon swim with Daddy.

Daddy's girl Ella - enjoying quality time with Daddy.

Smart Ella - writing her last name for the first time without any guidance.

Independent Ella - dressing herself every morning (and usually matching!).

Girly Ella - getting her nails done with hot pink glitter nail polish (can't get any girlier than that!).

Kindergarten Ella - showing off her latest art project and telling us about stop lights. And yes, as she reminded me after speeding through a yellow light, "Yellow means wait, even when late!"

Glowing Ella after her haircut.

There are many, many more levels to this almost 5-year old, but this is enough for now (and these are the only ones that go along with pictures I took this past week!).

It's All About the Little Moments

This past week has been filled with special moments. Moments I wish to cherish forever. Moments that may quickly go unnoticed in the busy-ness of life, but moments that I'm trying to stop, soak in and remember.

Moments of Aaron swimming with Ella, encouraging her to doggie paddle without her floaties, tossing her around as she bravely holds her breath, happily screeching and demanding for Daddy to throw her higher and higher. Witnessing their bond, smiling at their smiles - it's truly any woman's dream come true to call these two mine.

Moments of Aaron and Ella coloring "monsters" together, both left-handed, both with the same pursed lips and look of concentration. Ella is seriously a little Aaron in so many ways. It can't help but make me wonder if Tristan will be like his mama?

Moments of laughing at Ella's silly-ness as she wore her cool shades.

Moments of happily feeling like a third wheel on a trip to the park. Ella was consumed with Daddy, and Daddy with Ella. I just watched from the sidelines, seeing their love for each other shine.

Moments of watching Aaron patiently (yet unsuccessfully!) teach Ella the rules of tic-tac-toe.

Moments of teaching a stubborn 4-year old how to swing...

...which clearly didn't go so well. (Tears of frustration).

Followed by moments of watching Daddy jump right in there and calm Ella down, helping her regain her confidence after not understanding how to do it.

Moments of the kid coming out in Aaron as he role models for Ella on what to do.

Moments of watching Ella climb a tree and shine with pride.

Moments of girl-time shopping with Ella and watching her eyes light up as I put her new cross necklace on her, a necklace she refuses to take off because it's "so special and reminds [her] of Jesus."

Many new moments of spending my mornings with Ella before taking her to kindergarten, filled with picnics, story time, dancing, Sesame Street, playing with Bob, and more story time.

Take these moments away, and my life would not be the same. These moments link together to create my days and weeks. Life without moments like these would be no life at all.

I Got Through It

Well, the first day of kindergarten came and went. Not without tears, mind you, but the day is now in the past, and thank goodness! I was doing fine until Ella was all dressed up in her first day of school outfit with her backpack on. Then it hit me! How grown up she is! How my baby girl is actually a kindergartener! When did that happen? Seriously, when???

There were many episodes of near tears while dropping her off. I almost lost it when she first got out of the car and put her backpack on and I took this picture.

I almost lost it when we sat her down at her table in the cafeteria and she started digging through her lunch.

She quietly sat there, observing everyone and everything. Not shy, but confident. Not scared, but brave. She was amazingly strong! We sat across from her and watched our little girl nibble her peanut butter and honey sandwich amidst all these big kids, forcing us to see that she really is ready. Even though this mom isn't ready, she is!

Saying goodbye to her was so hard. It took every once of strength (which wasn't a lot) to not cry in front of her. My eyes got glazed, but I was wearing my glasses, so I think that helped hide them. We hugged her so tight, telling her how proud we were of her and for her to have fun. She's just like, "I love you! See you later!" Totally fine. Totally okay with us leaving her in this unfamiliar environment. Her strength surely made it easier for me to let her go.

As we walked away, I just grabbed Aaron's hand. Tight. With tears flowing down. Aaron then started crying. So, I'm sure we made quite the scene walking back to our car, hand in hand, sobbing like babies (well, I was - Aaron just had "man tears"). We turned around as we walked through the cafeteria doors. I couldn't see her, which was for the best, but Aaron said she was just sitting there, eating. Not looking back to see where we went. Oh, Ella. You're so great. You're so strong.

I was so excited to pick her up! Like, Christmas morning excited, and she was my gift that I was waiting to walk through her classroom door. She spotted Aaron first, and walked right over to him and said, "I had a really great day!" She was all smiles and very excited to let us know about some fun details of her first day.

I chose not to "embarrass" her by loving all over her, but I just wanted to pick her up and smother her with kisses and hugs. Instead, I just knelt down, gave her a tight squeeze, and just smiled as she talked about her day. When we got home, though, and I helped her out of the car, she gave me the longest hug. Telling me that she loved me. So, even though she's unbelievably strong, with that hug, I realized that she did miss me and needs me, just like I missed her and need her, too.

To think, I'll go through this all over again in 5 years with Tristan. I'm already praying for strength! :)