Oh Christmas Tree (Written Last December)

I wrote this post last December, while going through our IVF cycle, which you all know was unsuccessful. I just want you all to remember the sense of hope and joy this season brings. Even though our first IVF cycle was not the one to bring us our baby, God has used that dark time in my life for His glory. And never, ever, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine that I would have a son to share the following Christmas with. So, never give up hope! Even in the darkest of times, keep your faith strong and your head held high. Because, even though we cannot see our future, God has it perfectly arranged with our best interest at heart.

Oh Christmas Tree

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

The first year, Ella was only a couple months older than a year. She was new to walking and you can imagine how uncoordinated she was exploring on uneven ground, but luckily, diapers provide the best cushion. At this age, Ella would say, "Prettiessss!" So, once all the lights were wrapped around our chosen tree, we heard her soft coos of adoration. I can just hear her young voice now when.

The second year, I remember Ella thoroughly enjoying herself, but you would've never guessed it as she was going through her "serious stage." I didn't get one single picture of her smiling! This stage lasted for months at which time she constantly had a serious look on her face, observing everything, soaking it all in.

This year also marked our first holiday season together while trying to conceive our second child. The holidays came and went, but it didn't really phase us because we both figured we'd have a baby wrapped in our arms at next year's Christmas tree cutting excursion.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. Big time.

The following year Ella was three years old. This year her opinions really started to evolve, pointing out trees that she thought were best and worthy of taking home. With each passing year, Ella's enthusiasm grew. And there's nothing like witnessing a child's excitement during the holidays, especially your own child's. It's very magical.

And, despite how much I love the tree farm and how it commemorates the beginning of the holidays, a part of me didn't want another holiday season to pass without a positive home pregnancy test, without seeing those miraculous two lines, without a little peanut growing inside of me, let alone a baby cradled in my arms! Nevertheless, Christmas is still a time for celebration and celebrate is what I did, but not without that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me every now and again.

This past weekend marked our fourth trip to the tree farm and still no baby. But, despite having an empty womb, I still have my beautiful 4-year old daughter to share the experience with. Her maturity shined during this visit, showing both of us how much she's grown up this past year. She was still so excited, and I don't think we passed a tree without her saying, "How about this one?" :)

So, this Christmas season marks over 2 years and 3 months of trying to conceive. Those were the longest, but yet fastest 27 months of our marriage.

However, instead of feeling incredibly hopeless this holiday season, I feel quite the opposite. IVF has filled me with an unimaginable sense of hope! After all, isn't the message of Christmas really a story of hope? Isn't hope the ultimate gift God has promised all of us with the birth of his son, Jesus Christ?

God blessed Aaron and me with a Christmas pregnancy in 2005, and we are both hoping and praying that a similar blessing is a part of God's plan for our lives this Christmas.