So Desperate to See Two Lines

This morning I peed on an OPK (ovulation predictor kit), even though I'm 11dpo (11 days post ovulation), for two reasons. First, because I've heard that if you have a positive OPK after ovulation, there's a chance you are pregnant, and I thought, "What the heck?" And second, because I was so desperate. My soul needed to see two lines and I knew the only way I could is to use an OPK, even if it's a mere facade of what could be.

A woman usually sees two lines on an OPK at any point during her cycle - the test line just varies in shade with it being darkest with the LH surge just prior to ovulation. That is when it's considered positive.

And, this morning, I needed to see those two lines. I was desperate to just witness what two lines look like!

I craved peeing on a stick, granted it's not a HPT (home pregnancy test), and actually watch as two lines come into visibility. Rather than one simple line looking back at me with disappointment that there's no buddy with it in the display screen. Disappointed that it, yet again, has to look back at sad tears rolling down my face, rather than tears of I'm-going-to-pass-out-because-my-body-is-filled-with-too-much-joy tears.

So, I dug out an old OPK in the bathroom drawer and peed on a stick. Within seconds I saw the two lines I needed to see (the test line was lighter, so please don't start thinking I'm pregnant!). And even though those two lines mean absolutely nothing, other than that I have LH in my body (which is normal), my heart started beating fast.

I thought to myself, so this is what it looks like. (I've kind forgotten since the last one I've seen was over 5 years ago). This is the vision my eyes will be laid on when I experience one of the happiest moments of my life.

But after the "excitement" of seeing two lines wore away, I started to cry. A lot.

I cried because I'm just so sick and tired of it not being my time.

I cried out for God to help me remember my time will come and, in the meantime, to find peace. The peace that I was slowly starting to feel, but in an instant lost.

That instant was yesterday when the hidden secret was revealed that our best friends are pregnant with their second child. They wanted to tell me all along, but with the emotional strain of our IVF cycle failing, they didn't want to add to my aching heart. So, because of such, they (and Aaron) hid their surprise from me for months, of which they just found out yesterday their beautiful daughter, who is not even two years old, is going to have a little brother.

And, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not as selfish as I sound. I am happy for them. I really am.

But that happiness for them doesn't take away from the sadness for our situation. They have conceived two babies in the amount of time we've been trying to conceive Ella's sibling. Life is so unfair sometimes, isn't it?

But, I'd never want something like our infertility and their fertility (being able to get pregnant within a month or two of trying!) to jeopardize our friendship. Nothing should come between us. And nothing will.

Lately, though, I feel like our infertility is jeopardizing my LIFE. To the point that I am so desperate to find that happiness that I think only a positive pregnancy test will give me, that I pee on a stick that will just give me false indications of hope.

And that is what Matt and Danielle did. They kept the joy of their pregnancy a secret from me to make me feel better. They withheld news of their pregnancy out of respect for my situation.

So selfless of them and so selfish of me.