Even Though I Didn't Know, God Knew

While going through a file at work, I came across this sticky note.

I had to take a double glance! Whoa! There was a form in this file that had been due on December 9th, 2010.

Little did I know, months after writing this sticky note, that I'd become pregnant with my son and his due date would be December 9th, 2011.

Seeing this random sticky note made me think about how God not only has sticky notes of important dates in each of our lives, but entire, organized folders. For He is the crafter of all our important dates.

It was pure chance that I'd write a sticky note like that. A complete fluke that my due date would be exactly a year later from this form's due date, and that I would spell it out in such a way on a sticky note.

But, with God there is no chance!

He knew when I'd get pregnant, and He knew I would have a son, and He knew that his due date would be December 9th, 2011.

He knows because He created!

He is my creator, just as He is Tristan's creator.

It brings such comfort to rest my mind on the beautiful truth that even though I may not be in the know, God is. How December 9th, 2011 could've passed as any ordinary day in the future for me, but yet God already had planned how important that day would serve in my life.

And, even now, I still don't know what day Tristan will actually arrive, but God knows. He already has the exact second planned out that I will hear his first cry and give him his first kiss. Oh, mercy, God also knows how badly I wish that day was tomorrow!

Waiting Doesn't Stop with the 2 WW

Hands down, the two week wait is the worst. The time from when you might have conceived to the time of finding out if you did is an extremely long wait. I went through many, many of those waits. Believe me, they are the worst!

But, once you do conceive, once those two lines finally appear, the waiting does not end. I thought it would! But, boy, I could not have been more wrong.

You wait for beta results (if you went through infertility treatment, that is).

You wait for your first sonogram.

You wait for your second sonogram.

And, I am now in the process of waiting for my third sonogram.

I'll admit...I was completely spoiled being able to see Jelly Bean at six weeks and then again at seven weeks, but now I have to wait...

...until I'm 10-1/2 weeks.

Yes, you heard right. :(

My first appointment with my new OB-GYN is not until May 16th!!! I was so disappointed when the receptionist said that was the soonest I could get in. It seriously makes me want to call another OB-GYN to see if I could get in sooner, but this office has been favorably recommended by my RE and a couple who also went through IVF, so I'm planning on sticking out the wait.

It just makes me nervous to go that long without seeing my Jelly Bean.

Not knowing what's going on in there! Is he/she growing well? How's his/her heart beating?

Thankfully, my nausea is still in full force, which reminds me that my body is still telling itself that it's pregnant. My fatigue is also putting me to bed the same time as Ella every night. No joke.

But, naturally, I worry when I feel too much stretchy cramps, and then I worry when I feel too little stretchy cramps. I worry when my boobs hurt less one day over another.

However...worry is the opposite of having faith! So, I'm going to put all my faith in God to protect our baby. I pray he will continually bless this pregnancy. He has entrusted this family with this baby, giving us the utmost honor to bring another Johnson into the world, and it's unfair to God for me to worry so much. It's unfair for me to not put all my trust in God.

So, even though I'm going to endure a painfully long wait the next 2-1/2 weeks, I am not going to worry. I am going to keep one hand on my belly and the other lifted up to my God, thanking Him for my Jelly Bean. Because, even though I can't see how he/she is doing in there, God knows. Because, after all...

"[God] created my inmost being; [He] knit me together in my mother’s womb." (Psalm 139:13).

How can it not work?

Well, I am now 5dp6dt. Over halfway there!

My cramping is still very much there. I have definitely decided it is far worse this time around than with my IVF cycle. It makes me so nervous, but, really, I cannot trust anything my body is throwing at me with the amount of medication I'm on. And, there have been many women who have undergone IVF or FET cycles who claim the same symptoms and are now with child (or in some cases, children).

I can be pregnant, but I can also not be. It can go either way.

At this point, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.

But, this morning I started thinking, "How can this not work?"

I mean, seriously! How can I not get pregnant from this???

My clinic has a 65.9% success rate for FET. That's remarkably high!

I transferred two beautiful blastocysts, one of which was graded 5AA.

YOU CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN 5AA!!!

The transfer was absolutely flawless.

How can this not work???

Please, God, let this work.

Waiting

We made the foggy drive to RSC and back. My blood is drawn and I should be receiving the call any minute.

The drive was quiet both ways.

Aaron asked me why I'm so sure it didn't work. My response was a quiet, "Because I feel what I feel."

He then came back with, "Well, I feel what I feel! And I feel it worked!"

We cried. We held hands, despite my unwillingness to be close (I get that way when I'm depressed). But mainly, we sat there in quiet stillness, knowing nothing can cure the anxiety and possible brokenness in our hearts.

Still Waiting

I was so confident my period was coming yesterday, right on time (as it always is), but I was wrong. I was so confident, in fact, that I called my IVF nurse and told her I was starting and she went ahead and ordered my birth control pill prescription to be picked up at the local CVS and faxed a lab order to Quest Diagnostics where I need to have blood drawn on CD 2 or CD 3 (the second or third day of my period).

Needless to say, my IVF nurse just called to check in on me and I told her my period hasn't come yet.

Doh!

Don't I feel like a complete fool!

I'm usually so right about reading my body's symptoms. Plus, my cycles are like clockwork. Almost every cycle I've monitored has been exactly 28 days.

And even though my confidence is a little off as to the timing of when Aunt Flo will arrive, I'm still 100% confident she will come. Likely, my anxiety about wanting my period to come is causing this delay! It feels weird to actually want it to hurry up and get here because the past 26 months, I would hope and pray for the opposite.

Maybe because I want Aunt Flo to get here, she won't come and I'll finally get my two lines and we'll have another miracle baby!

Okay...maybe not. :)