19 Weeks

How Far Along: 19 weeks!

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of a grapefruit. Wow!

Picture of Baby: Nada.

19 Weeks: Baby Johnson's sensory development is exploding! Her/Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that he/she may be able to hear my voice now!

Baby Johnson weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom. His/Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of his/her body now. His/Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on his/her scalp is sprouting. (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Weight Gain: I don't know. I haven't weighed myself for a week. I feel bigger, though!

Belly Pic: Click here to see this week's belly pic.

Sleep: I slept really great this past week!

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling the baby move around more. When he/she is really excited, I can feel him/her from the outside, but whenever Aaron puts his hand on my stomach, there's no movement. His time will come, and it'll be magical!

Movement: Movement is getting stronger and more pronounced. I'm loving it!

Symptoms: I only threw up ONCE this past week. My boobs are really starting to hurt. But other than that and round ligament pain, everything is going great. Although, I must admit, my lower back is starting to give me problems. If you remember, I had lower back pain that I saw a physical therapist for. After treatment, my back finally started feeling better! But, I have a feeling this pregnancy is going to reverse all that hard work. Oh well! At least I know it can be fixed, and I'll likely have to start from square one again. But, it's well worth it! :)

Food Cravings: No real cravings. No "gotta have it" cravings.

Gender: Come on, baby! Show us your goods on Monday!

What I Miss: Nothing. 

What I'm Looking Forward to: Finding out the baby's gender and letting everyone officially know if we're going pink or blue!

Weekly Wisdom: Eat frequently.

Milestones: Making it this far!

Emotions: This week was filled with mixed emotions. I am still so happy to be pregnant, but I lost one of my close friends. I can't even tell you what happened, because I don't know! She just decided to cut me from her life (blocking me from all modes of communication - Facebook, phone, e-mail...everything). Literally, the day before she cut me off, everything was seemingly fine between us. We had a wonderful friendship. And, then she's just gone. I thought something horrible happened to her, but I soon realized it was just me that she cut off. So, needless to say, I've shed many tears over this. I just hope that time will heal this pain and allow me to move on. I just wish I knew what happened. :(

Well, Now We Know

An anonymous friend, and avid blog reader, gave me $15.00 today. At first, I was confused. Why on earth would he give me a blank envelope with $15.00? Then, I remembered!

I remembered writing in my previous post, why waste $15.00 on a pregnancy test?

Well, he apparently didn't see it as a waste to use his $15.00 for this purpose, so right after work and picking Ella up from school, I stopped by the nearby Walgreens and made my first purchase of a home pregnancy test (HPT) in, seriously, over a year.

I can't say my heart wasn't pounding out of my chest as I waited for the results to display. I was so nervous. All the excitement I felt when we first started trying to conceive resurfaced. Hope fogged my eyes with tears. Adrenalin kept my heart at a rapid peace. All the while, I kept thinking, "Could this really be it? Is this going to be my moment? My time to shine?"

After the required two minutes lapsed, I saw that it was not my time. :(

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

And even though I was hoping my late period (which still hasn't come by the way!) meant something other than my body's hormonal equilibrium being off, I'm okay.

I'm okay I'm not pregnant.

I'm okay because I have three promising frosties waiting for me. Three embryos that have already been created and filled with all the hope and potential in the world. Three future babies I am so excited to bring into this world (God-willing).

God is still writing my Mom Story, of that I am absolutely certain, so I just have to remain faithful.

And, even though my heart broke a little today, I'm okay.

And, as if God knew what I needed to read shortly after my negative HPT, I came across this Bible verse in my friend, Jennifer's blog.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. (Habakkuk 2:3)

Thank you, Jennifer. And, thank you, anonymous friend. :)

So Desperate to See Two Lines

This morning I peed on an OPK (ovulation predictor kit), even though I'm 11dpo (11 days post ovulation), for two reasons. First, because I've heard that if you have a positive OPK after ovulation, there's a chance you are pregnant, and I thought, "What the heck?" And second, because I was so desperate. My soul needed to see two lines and I knew the only way I could is to use an OPK, even if it's a mere facade of what could be.

A woman usually sees two lines on an OPK at any point during her cycle - the test line just varies in shade with it being darkest with the LH surge just prior to ovulation. That is when it's considered positive.

And, this morning, I needed to see those two lines. I was desperate to just witness what two lines look like!

I craved peeing on a stick, granted it's not a HPT (home pregnancy test), and actually watch as two lines come into visibility. Rather than one simple line looking back at me with disappointment that there's no buddy with it in the display screen. Disappointed that it, yet again, has to look back at sad tears rolling down my face, rather than tears of I'm-going-to-pass-out-because-my-body-is-filled-with-too-much-joy tears.

So, I dug out an old OPK in the bathroom drawer and peed on a stick. Within seconds I saw the two lines I needed to see (the test line was lighter, so please don't start thinking I'm pregnant!). And even though those two lines mean absolutely nothing, other than that I have LH in my body (which is normal), my heart started beating fast.

I thought to myself, so this is what it looks like. (I've kind forgotten since the last one I've seen was over 5 years ago). This is the vision my eyes will be laid on when I experience one of the happiest moments of my life.

But after the "excitement" of seeing two lines wore away, I started to cry. A lot.

I cried because I'm just so sick and tired of it not being my time.

I cried out for God to help me remember my time will come and, in the meantime, to find peace. The peace that I was slowly starting to feel, but in an instant lost.

That instant was yesterday when the hidden secret was revealed that our best friends are pregnant with their second child. They wanted to tell me all along, but with the emotional strain of our IVF cycle failing, they didn't want to add to my aching heart. So, because of such, they (and Aaron) hid their surprise from me for months, of which they just found out yesterday their beautiful daughter, who is not even two years old, is going to have a little brother.

And, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not as selfish as I sound. I am happy for them. I really am.

But that happiness for them doesn't take away from the sadness for our situation. They have conceived two babies in the amount of time we've been trying to conceive Ella's sibling. Life is so unfair sometimes, isn't it?

But, I'd never want something like our infertility and their fertility (being able to get pregnant within a month or two of trying!) to jeopardize our friendship. Nothing should come between us. And nothing will.

Lately, though, I feel like our infertility is jeopardizing my LIFE. To the point that I am so desperate to find that happiness that I think only a positive pregnancy test will give me, that I pee on a stick that will just give me false indications of hope.

And that is what Matt and Danielle did. They kept the joy of their pregnancy a secret from me to make me feel better. They withheld news of their pregnancy out of respect for my situation.

So selfless of them and so selfish of me.

Facebook Reactivation

I reactivated my Facebook account! And, I'd love to follow all my new friends I've made through my blog. So, if you'd like to look me up, just search for Bobbi Johnson. I'm a part of the UCSD '05 alum network. Or, you can click on the Facebook heart logo on my blog. :)

I took, what ended up being, a 5-month break from Facebook because I was having a hard time seeing all my friends post pregnancy pictures and status updates. I can't say I feel stronger now because it's still hard to see, but I've come to the realization that what other people have in no way takes away from what I have. My friends' babies and/or pregnant bellies do not take away from what I do have...the most amazing daughter I could've asked for and the promise and certainty that my time is nearing when I will bring another child into the world.

After all, every day that passes is one day closer to my baby! :)

Fellowship of the Infertile

Aaron and I watched The Lord of the Rings' trilogy over the past couple weeks. We finished the final movie last night and I got kinda emotional. I told Aaron, "I want a friend like Sam."

Click HERE to watch the a clip of the tear-wrenching speech at the end of the movie series.

Sam says, "Then let us be rid of it, once and for all. Come on Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

This line, combined with Sam's hero shot of carrying Frodo gets me every time. Oh, and the music! The music is so moving! If you watched the clip, you likely feel the same way!

How amazing would it be to have a friend like that? Who stands with you through the worst walk of your life, encouraging you along the way. And then, when you feel like giving up or have no more strength to make that next step, this friend carries you. Carries you!

And just as Sam could not carry the burden the ring brought Frodo, but could instead carry him, I too feel like I need a friend who, although incapable of carrying the burden infertility has brought me, can still carry me and give me strength when I have no more to give.

But, despite my longing for friendship in my life, it's sad to say that I really don't have any friends, especially ones close enough to help carry me through my infertility. I'm a homebody in every sense of the word. Where some people enjoy social gatherings and being "outside" the home, I much prefer keeping my social life with my family and within the walls of my own home. But that is not what is stopping me from investing in friendships, despite how important I think friends are in one's life.

This walk through infertility has made me emotionally unavailable, for lack of better words. I'm simply unwilling to reach back to the hands of friends reaching towards me. My neighbor (Theresa), my old high school friend (Michelle), some friends I reacquainted myself with through Facebook...everybody! They have all made a number of efforts to hang out with me, to befriend me, but I hold myself back.

I think I hold myself back because I live in a constant state of fear! Fear that I will hear another friend tell me she is pregnant. It happened with Theresa, it happened with countless Facebook friends (one, in particular, who I had grown awfully close with and had a number of play dates with her, her son and Ella), and I'm afraid that I will hear it again, spiraling myself deeper into this state of fear. Fear of breaking down with hearing the news one more time. Fear of losing myself a little bit more in this battle with infertility.

However, the friendships I have developed through the blogging community are truly helping me! Each and every one of you is carrying a part of me. You all give me words of encouragement and of hope. I feel the prayers sent my way. And most significantly, with all of you walking (or having walked) through the same awful journey of infertility, you can all relate to me. You can relate to this fear I speak of...the fear of not knowing when your time will come or if your time will come, and in the meantime, wondering how many more "I am pregnant!" announcements you can endure without going mad.

So, I thank all of you for YOU! You are helping me more than you know. :)

I Held A 2-Day Old Baby Today

Our neighbors had their third child this past Saturday (they have a 4-year old and 2-year old already).  A beautiful 7 lb. 14 oz. girl, Claire Nicole.  Holding her, feeling her light touch, smelling the baby powder, hearing the faint coos and supporting her limp body were all so very magical for me.  A newborn baby has such a miraculous glow.  Claire has this beautiful glow.  The only other 2-day old baby I have held was Ella, so it was quite surreal.  I'm so happy for Kyle and Theresa.

Our neighbors are genuine people, the type of people you can rely on for anything and who see the good in people.  They are amazing parents and both have a deep love for God.  They deserve all the good in the world that comes their way, but still, hearing about their pregnancy after only a few months of trying was hard news to swallow.  I bravely told Theresa how I felt, hoping that release would help me keep my feelings raw and real with her.  We grew closer, we opened up to one another, but then I started distancing myself.  Watching her stomach grow week by week was hard.  I withdrew myself from my friendship with her, a friendship that I know God wants to happen.  It's not a mere coincidence that they moved into the house next door only a few months after we moved into our house.  It's a God thing!  God put them in our lives for a reason.

However, sensing their happiness, witnessing their family grow, wishing I have what they have has caused me to keep to myself.  It's hard.  I feel this emptiness inside of me and a wall has formed.  This wall doesn't allow others to see the hurt I'm feeling.  This wall, in some way, protects me.  I deactivated my Facebook account for this reason.  Seeing my friends post pregnancy pictures, update their statuses about their pregnancies...it was just getting too hard.  It had become a daily reminder and focal point.  I realized that Facebook was doing me more harm than good.  So, I got rid of Facebook, and then I slowly stopped reaching out to friends who are pregnant.  I'm doing things that I think will help me, but I'm not so sure if it is.

In any case, I try to live each day as bravely and strongly as I can, facing the reality that friends and family members are pregnant, that more friends and family members will get pregnant before me still and that the next newborn baby I hold may not be my own.  These realities scare me and make me want to curl up in a ball and cry, but these are the realities that God has laid before me and these are the realities that God will walk me through.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Since Aaron and I have started trying to conceive our second child, I can count on more than 2 hands the amount of my friends who have told me that they are trying to conceive who have then gone on to say the three magic words, "I am pregnant."  Some more quicker than others, but all quicker than me.

My really good friend found out she is pregnant today, and this one hit me hard.  Even though I'm  happy for her (she, too, had infertility complications), my heart sinks.  I write in my posts about how I'm going to keep the faith and remain hopeful, but yet the harder I try to see the glass as half full, the deeper I fall into this funk that I can't shake off.

So, with the news of my friend's pregnancy and this Clomid messing with my emotions, you could say I'm pretty emotional today.  Haha, this reminds me of the quote from Anchorman, when Will Ferrell's character yells out, "I'm in a glass cage of emotion!"  That is how I feel (minus the comical part).

I pray God will change my heart and help me surrender myself to His perfect timing.

I pray God will continue to provide me strength.

After I hit the year mark of trying to conceive, I really didn't think I'd find the strength to continue.  I didn't think I had any hope left to spare.  But here I am, 6 months later, and I'm still hanging in there.  But really, what is my other option?  Give up???  I DON'T THINK SO!!!  The potential joy of having another child outweighs all the disappointment I've endured...times a million.

Okay, change of topics.  My commitment to maintaining a healthier lifestyle is going really well.  I had hoped to redirect some of my attention of getting pregnant to focusing on being a healthier person, spiritually, mentally and physically.  Overall, and (even though some of my blog posts may show otherwise), I have been spending less time thinking about getting pregnant.  I know, shocked, right?  I'm feeling healthier and more confident about myself and the future.  Even though it's only been the first week of this transformation, I'm willfully determined to continue.  And, hey, I've been told time and time again that once I stop stressing about getting pregnant and just "go with the flow," that I'll get pregnant.  Well, lets see if it happens!