Remembering Christmas Eve 2010

December 24, 2010 left me with a broken heart. The tears that came after I received the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful were the most painful I cried. Ever.

I had never felt so much darkness.

A part of me crumbled that day, and admittedly, I don't think I will ever fully heal.

Words will never be able to fully describe the fall I experienced that day. I try to put words to the emotions I felt, and still feel, but nothing seems to give enough justice.

And, even though so much happiness was brought into my life when I became pregnant with Tristan, our failed IVF still haunts me, and I didn't realize exactly how much until this morning.

I cried this morning. A lot.

The tears started out as sad tears as I remembered the whirlwind of emotions we went through on this very day last year. The complete devastation leaving us collapsed in defeat.

But, then I looked down at my sleeping baby boy in my arms, and my tears shifted to happy tears of thankfulness. My gosh, I am so thankful that the second go-around with our FET brought us Tristan, who is proving to be the perfect little man for our family. He is exactly what all three of us have prayed so long for.

My observant and empathetic daughter quickly noticed the tears streaming down my cheeks this morning.

"Mommy, why are you crying?"

I explained to her why. (We have been very honest with her about our journey to having a baby).

And, her response was one beyond her short five years of life. She said, verbatim (I quickly wrote it down so I wouldn't forget), "We choose to have a baby, but God decides when. We choose the name, but God says when it's okay to have the baby."

Wow.

I have the smartest, sweetest, most caring little girl, who is going to be the most amazing role model for her baby brother.

Christmas Eve 2010 will always be a day I look back on with sadness. That day will forever carry unimaginable grief, irreparable darkness and crushed defeat, culminating all the time and tears invested in conceiving a second child.

But!

Christmas Day 2011 is going to be a day I will look back on with so much clarity and happiness. I have longed for the Christmas morning I can wake up to with another member of this family, and I simply cannot wait to celebrate our first Christmas as a family of four. It's going to be such a joyful day!

God has brought light into my life where there was once darkness. Tristan is that light. He is my little beacon of hope.

Just as 2011 years ago, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, brought so much joy, peace and hope to this world, this year I get to not only celebrate Jesus' birthday, but that of my own son, who has brought so much joy, peace and hope into my world.

Oh Christmas Tree (Written Last December)

I wrote this post last December, while going through our IVF cycle, which you all know was unsuccessful. I just want you all to remember the sense of hope and joy this season brings. Even though our first IVF cycle was not the one to bring us our baby, God has used that dark time in my life for His glory. And never, ever, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine that I would have a son to share the following Christmas with. So, never give up hope! Even in the darkest of times, keep your faith strong and your head held high. Because, even though we cannot see our future, God has it perfectly arranged with our best interest at heart.

Oh Christmas Tree

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

The first year, Ella was only a couple months older than a year. She was new to walking and you can imagine how uncoordinated she was exploring on uneven ground, but luckily, diapers provide the best cushion. At this age, Ella would say, "Prettiessss!" So, once all the lights were wrapped around our chosen tree, we heard her soft coos of adoration. I can just hear her young voice now when.

The second year, I remember Ella thoroughly enjoying herself, but you would've never guessed it as she was going through her "serious stage." I didn't get one single picture of her smiling! This stage lasted for months at which time she constantly had a serious look on her face, observing everything, soaking it all in.

This year also marked our first holiday season together while trying to conceive our second child. The holidays came and went, but it didn't really phase us because we both figured we'd have a baby wrapped in our arms at next year's Christmas tree cutting excursion.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. Big time.

The following year Ella was three years old. This year her opinions really started to evolve, pointing out trees that she thought were best and worthy of taking home. With each passing year, Ella's enthusiasm grew. And there's nothing like witnessing a child's excitement during the holidays, especially your own child's. It's very magical.

And, despite how much I love the tree farm and how it commemorates the beginning of the holidays, a part of me didn't want another holiday season to pass without a positive home pregnancy test, without seeing those miraculous two lines, without a little peanut growing inside of me, let alone a baby cradled in my arms! Nevertheless, Christmas is still a time for celebration and celebrate is what I did, but not without that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me every now and again.

This past weekend marked our fourth trip to the tree farm and still no baby. But, despite having an empty womb, I still have my beautiful 4-year old daughter to share the experience with. Her maturity shined during this visit, showing both of us how much she's grown up this past year. She was still so excited, and I don't think we passed a tree without her saying, "How about this one?" :)

So, this Christmas season marks over 2 years and 3 months of trying to conceive. Those were the longest, but yet fastest 27 months of our marriage.

However, instead of feeling incredibly hopeless this holiday season, I feel quite the opposite. IVF has filled me with an unimaginable sense of hope! After all, isn't the message of Christmas really a story of hope? Isn't hope the ultimate gift God has promised all of us with the birth of his son, Jesus Christ?

God blessed Aaron and me with a Christmas pregnancy in 2005, and we are both hoping and praying that a similar blessing is a part of God's plan for our lives this Christmas.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Our house is fully decorated, both inside and out. We have always decorated the weekend after Thanksgiving, and this year was no different. I knew I wanted everything perfect before Tristan arrived, and I can now rest assured that everything is ready!

The tree is fully decorated in a white, gold and red theme.

The bright Christmas lights are hung around our dining room window, as they are every year.

The mantel is set up with garland, white lights and red accessories.

"Our stockings are hung by the chimney with care." (Sorry, couldn't help myself!). Looks like we'll be needing a stocking for Tristan! :)

Some new decorations my mom bought me this year. I really like the whole red and silver look. It always comes off as very classy and elegant to me.

Also, something my mom bought me. Love it! Thanks, mom! :)

A Day Dedicated to the Mamas Out There

Although one of my kids is only a 9-week old fetus, I celebrated today as a mom of two. I have a life inside of me, so he/she got to be with me the entire day.

Making me feel nauseous and tired, to boot!

I had a hormonal pregnancy break down last night, basically threatening Aaron, "You better have done something for me tomorrow! This is a BIG Mother's Day for me!" He just took it all in, knowing full well what he had up his sleeves. (I'm sorry, honey!)

I feel like a complete and utter fool to allow for that break down to happen, to not put confidence in my caring husband and his huge heart. He has always been so good to me and has an amazing ability to surprise even a nosey snoop like myself.

So, when I woke up this morning, after whispering, "Happy Mother's Day" to me, he told me there was something waiting for me in the kitchen.

You better believe I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall.

And this is what I saw when I turned the corner into the kitchen.

A beautifully framed picture of our beautiful Ella Bella!

Taped to the frame was a poem that I had to sit down and read because the tears started flowing after the first couple lines.  It read:

These past few years've,
Been awfully rough.
Lots of times when,
I didn't love you enough.
I wasn't strong,
When you needed me to be.
But you held on,
Even though giving up would have been so easy.
And now a dream is real,
A living human being!
Who knew a new life,
Was such a beautiful thing?
And even though we have days,
That seem more "off" than "on."
I know you're the only one,
With whom I share this common bond.
And never have a doubt,
My dedication is cement.
There is nothing and no one,
Who could break this covenant.
I love you forever, forever's not enough.
With you there will always, ALWAYS be love love.


Happy Mother's Day, Nink!


So after the hugs (no kisses - morning breath!), he brought me into the family room where he had another framed picture!

What a little angel face!

So, you can imagine with these bad boys adding to our already Ella-adorned walls, that we have very little wall space left for when #2 comes around. I'm sure we'll manage something once the time comes, though. :)

Overall, it was a wonderful Mother's Day. Very relaxing, low key and homey - just what this mama needed!

An Eggs-cellent Easter Weekend

I could write an entire post about our Easter weekend, but instead, I'm just going to leave you with a bunch of pictures. Enjoy!

My Resolve for 2011

This is the traditional post of my New Year's resolutions. I feel pushed to write this post because I want to document how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.

So much has happened this past year that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. My surgeries, the drugs, the tests, the failed IUI and lastly, the failed IVF. It wasn't until we reached over 2 years of trying to conceive that it was discovered our infertility was a result of male infertility factor. With Aaron's sperm having 99% abnormal morphology, our only chance of conceiving is IVF (with ICSI). We were confident going into our first IVF cycle, but brokenhearted and numb coming out of it.

But, now that we know the cause of our infertility, we can move forward with certainty. I no longer need to have tests run on me. Everything checks out with me. And, for that, I'm thankful!

And even though everything checks out with me and all my women parts are doing what they are supposed to, so much of me still does not check out.

My soul is bruised.

My body is unrecognizable.

My mind is blurred.

So, for 2011, I resolve to fix all that. I resolve to:

Let go and let God. The only way to find peace as we continue on this journey is to stop trying to control what so clearly is not something I can control. My soul is bruised because I bring myself down. I don't allow peace to overcome me. I refuse to welcome God's plan to work in my life because it does not match with my plan for my life. So, the more I let go and let God, the more I will find peace and heal my bruised soul.

Lose My Infertility Weight. With all the drugs, injections, emotional eating, it's no wonder I'm ending 2010 heavier than going into it. I took too seriously refraining from exercising during each two-week wait (or should I say two-week "weight"?). I didn't want to interrupt possible implantation! With the lack of exercise during that time, eventually I just stopped exercising period. So, combine that with food being my friend, I gained weight.

And, even though my RE says I'm in a healthy range for IVF, I know my BMI is at the upper end of the range, so my goal is to lower my BMI before we move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. Our FET is our last shot, as I see it, because realistically, paying for another full IVF cycle (roughly $15,000) is just not realistic for us. So, I want to go into it feeling confident that we did everything we possibly could, physically and mentally, which brings me to my next resolution.

Redirect My Mind. My mind is my worst enemy. You would think infertility is my worst enemy, but it is how I perceive my infertility that is really haunting me. It has consumed me. I feel I've missed out on so much beauty because of this darned disease. My little Ella is not so little anymore and I can't believe for over half her life, I've been in this burdening funk of not getting pregnant. I hate to think I might've missed out on some wonderful times with her because I was too preoccupied in my personal battle, so this year, and all years to come, I'm going to make the strongest effort to focus on my beautiful miracle. After all, after learning about Aaron's sperm, she truly is our miracle. :)

My husband puts it best in this poem of his New Year's resolution...

I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about now.
I'm going to spend more of next year thinking about today.
I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about us.
And I have a lot to pray about, so this next year I'm going to pray.
There were so many weeks,
I just wanted the week to end.
There were so many weeks,
That the months just blend.
So I'm going to love my life.
I will love every moment.
I'm going to love my daughter and wife.
They are my souls component.
It's time to make some changes,
So let the new year roll,
To cherish every second I'm given?
2011 I'm livin' that goal.

Happy New Year, everybody! Lets make it a good one! :)

Good Bye, 2010! Nice Knowing Ya!

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days now. I'm still learning to cope with life after a failed IVF cycle and have, in turn, been in a writing slump (well, really a life slump, which is then reflected in my lack of blog posts).

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments, but I'm entitled to those moments. I'm very glad for our unsuccessful IVF to come at the end of 2010. This year has been rough and the negative results coming last week reemphasizes how much disappointment this year has brought us, and puts a big fat period (literally!) at the end.

But, now that 2010 is officially done, Aaron and I are forced (in a good way) to look to the future, rather than dwell on the past. 2010 is over. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears are "so last year," and we are now living in the here and now. In 2011.

So, with the half glass full, I'm keeping my head high and my faith higher. 2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!

If you are new to following our journey, feel free to click HERE for a timeline of what we did this past year in hopes of conceiving our second child. You'll be able to see it's been quite the year.

Ella: A True Christmas Angel

This post is all pictures, no words. I think the pictures speak for themselves and perfectly display why, despite the failed IVF cycle, I was able to find so much joy and happiness this Christmas.