My Resolve for 2011

This is the traditional post of my New Year's resolutions. I feel pushed to write this post because I want to document how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.

So much has happened this past year that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. My surgeries, the drugs, the tests, the failed IUI and lastly, the failed IVF. It wasn't until we reached over 2 years of trying to conceive that it was discovered our infertility was a result of male infertility factor. With Aaron's sperm having 99% abnormal morphology, our only chance of conceiving is IVF (with ICSI). We were confident going into our first IVF cycle, but brokenhearted and numb coming out of it.

But, now that we know the cause of our infertility, we can move forward with certainty. I no longer need to have tests run on me. Everything checks out with me. And, for that, I'm thankful!

And even though everything checks out with me and all my women parts are doing what they are supposed to, so much of me still does not check out.

My soul is bruised.

My body is unrecognizable.

My mind is blurred.

So, for 2011, I resolve to fix all that. I resolve to:

Let go and let God. The only way to find peace as we continue on this journey is to stop trying to control what so clearly is not something I can control. My soul is bruised because I bring myself down. I don't allow peace to overcome me. I refuse to welcome God's plan to work in my life because it does not match with my plan for my life. So, the more I let go and let God, the more I will find peace and heal my bruised soul.

Lose My Infertility Weight. With all the drugs, injections, emotional eating, it's no wonder I'm ending 2010 heavier than going into it. I took too seriously refraining from exercising during each two-week wait (or should I say two-week "weight"?). I didn't want to interrupt possible implantation! With the lack of exercise during that time, eventually I just stopped exercising period. So, combine that with food being my friend, I gained weight.

And, even though my RE says I'm in a healthy range for IVF, I know my BMI is at the upper end of the range, so my goal is to lower my BMI before we move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. Our FET is our last shot, as I see it, because realistically, paying for another full IVF cycle (roughly $15,000) is just not realistic for us. So, I want to go into it feeling confident that we did everything we possibly could, physically and mentally, which brings me to my next resolution.

Redirect My Mind. My mind is my worst enemy. You would think infertility is my worst enemy, but it is how I perceive my infertility that is really haunting me. It has consumed me. I feel I've missed out on so much beauty because of this darned disease. My little Ella is not so little anymore and I can't believe for over half her life, I've been in this burdening funk of not getting pregnant. I hate to think I might've missed out on some wonderful times with her because I was too preoccupied in my personal battle, so this year, and all years to come, I'm going to make the strongest effort to focus on my beautiful miracle. After all, after learning about Aaron's sperm, she truly is our miracle. :)

My husband puts it best in this poem of his New Year's resolution...

I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about now.
I'm going to spend more of next year thinking about today.
I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about us.
And I have a lot to pray about, so this next year I'm going to pray.
There were so many weeks,
I just wanted the week to end.
There were so many weeks,
That the months just blend.
So I'm going to love my life.
I will love every moment.
I'm going to love my daughter and wife.
They are my souls component.
It's time to make some changes,
So let the new year roll,
To cherish every second I'm given?
2011 I'm livin' that goal.

Happy New Year, everybody! Lets make it a good one! :)