When God Writes Your Mom Story

Have you heard of the book, When God Writes Your Love Story?

This book touches on the idea that a person's identity cannot be all wrapped up in a relationship, and that all too often too much energy is put into maintaining that relationship, even if it's unhealthy. (By the way, that statement pretty much sums of my college years, but lets save that topic for another day!). The book goes on to say that a person's identity must be in Jesus Christ and not in some relationship. The authors, after many dating and relationships disasters, learned to hand over the reins of their love lives to God and allow Him to write their love story.

And, even though I have my husband, and I believe God miraculously placed us in each other's paths (click HERE if you're interested in reading our love story), my life has now transitioned to a new story. My Mom Story. A story that began September 22, 2006 with the birth of our daughter and the story that is still being written by the Author of my life.

My Mom Story is still being written and, honestly, I have no idea what the ending will be. I don't know when I will be blessed with another child, or how! Will we have another miracle child? Will we conceive through our upcoming FET? Will we have to go through a whole other IVF cycle? Are we going to end up using a surrogate? Is God going to lay it in our hearts to consider adoption?

Those questions are constantly swirling and twirling inside my head, like an uncontrollable tornado, each go around bringing more velocity to the already consuming destruction.

Yes, I said destruction!

If I keep going at this pace, I'm seriously going to lose control of everything in my life!

My concerns and thoughts are not where they need to be. They need to be focused on God! My identity is not wrapped in Him. My identity is wrapped in Dr. Google and what "his" answers are to the above questions. I spend way too much time researching things that do not need to be researched. Things that I need to lift up to God in prayer. My identity is too invested in conceiving my second child that I'm losing myself.

I'm losing myself as Aaron's wife.

I'm losing myself as Ella's mommy.

But, most importantly, I'm losing my identity in Jesus Christ.

I can't have an open heart to what His calling is, when I'm more concerned about what Dr. Google (or even Dr. Weckstein or my family or my peers) has to say. Rather than quieting everything and everyone around me and being still with God, I sometimes choose to wallow in my self-pity with lots of "It's not fair!" and "Why me?" thoughts.

And, really, it's okay to grieve over what is going on. It's okay to have anger, sadness, confusion. Those are all natural emotions that a person would feel after trying to conceive for so long with no success. But, it is what I do with those emotions that really matters.

And, at the rate that I'm going (mainly since we found out our IVF cycle was unsuccessful last month), I'm going nowhere...and fast!

So, just as God faithfully brought Aaron into my life, and just as God faithfully brought us our miracle child, Ella, I am going to faithfully place my life and identity in His hands. Otherwise, not only will my life will spin out of control, but my identity will be placed on a role I am not yet playing (mom to a second child), rather than the identities I am currently blessed in undertaking.

I am Aaron's wife.

I am Ella's mom.

And, I am at God's disposal to unveil His personal best for my life.