There Are No Guarantees in Life

If you want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans!

Seriously.

Plans never go as...well...planned. Life is just a big bundle of unpredictability. Amen?

I had my "6-week" postpartum appointment yesterday. Obviously, it was more like my 8-week postpartum appointment because my appointment kept getting bounced back. My OB-GYN is a very busy, very popular doctor.

Speaking of which, when I got there, almost every single seat in the waiting room was taken. My doctor had a delivery, so every appointment was delayed 1-1/2 to 2 hours. Fun. Especially since I brought Tristan with me! Luckily, he slept most of the time. :)

It was really hard, though, being surrounded by so many pregnant women. There were six in total, not including the ones that walked in after me. I don't know when I will be able to look at a pregnant woman without that twinge. Not necessarily of jealousy, but of sadness. Sadness to know that I will likely never be pregnant again.

I struck up a conversation with a cute college-aged girl with her mom (her husband was in class). She was 36 weeks along. She immediately started talking about her next pregnancy. I didn't want to tell her there are no guarantees in life, and although she plans to get pregnant right away because she "wants her kids to be close in age," it may not happen. I didn't want to divulge my story to her, so I just smiled.

Once I met with my doctor, he began to tell me about the delivery (if you can call it that) he had earlier that afternoon.

"The baby cost them $30,000 and they lost it."

My heart absolutely sunk to the pit of my stomach. "IVF, obviously?"

"Yes, and they lost the baby at 20 weeks."

There are no guarantees in life.


He then quickly checked my incision line and asked about what birth control I'm going to be on.

When I told him I'm not going on birth control, he completely questioned my decision. I reminded him that Tristan was an IVF baby.

"Do you have your ovaries, tubes and uterus?"

"Yes."

"Does your husband have sperm?"

"Yes, but not very good sperm at all."

Long pause.

"I'll see you in six months for your papsmear and you'll be pregnant."

I have to admit. The thought of his prediction coming true got my heart to race a bit. I'd love to be pregnant again. I'd love to add another child to this family. My heart is so limitless for kids.

So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what God has in store for this family. We're not going to try, but we're not going to not try. After unsuccessfully getting pregnant the natural way for over 2-1/2 years, it just seems silly and unnecessary to go on birth control, ya know?

There are no guarantees in life.

You Smile, I Smile

My little man has one big smile. I have countless videos of him showing off his toothless grin, but this video is likely my favorite (so far!). Enjoy! :)

I Can Talk the Talk, but I Can't Walk the Walk

Breastfeeding.

Oh, breastfeeding.

I had big, big plans. Big plans to solely breastfeed until Tristan was six months old. I was going to pump up a grandiose supply of breast milk for Tristan to enjoy beyond those six months, or for Aaron to bottle feed Tristan while I'm at work.

As you can see...big plans!

Big plans that fell through.

For some reason, breastfeeding with Ella was easier. I was able to do it much longer than with Tristan.

I think a big part being that Ella was my one and only. I also was not working. So, every minute of everyday was devoted to her, which made breastfeeding not as challenging.

But, I'll admit, it was very difficult for me this time around.

I started out with big hopes and solely fed Tristan breast milk until he was hospitalized for jaundice and my doctor ordered that I supplement with formula (for the Vitamin D). From that point on, I breastfed while supplementing with formula.

Tristan started preferring the bottle. It takes a lot less work for the baby to feed from a bottle than the boob, and even though he would latch onto me, it had become a comfort thing where he would just immediately fall asleep. He'd then wake up hungry, I'd try and feed him again, but then he'd fall asleep. Such had become the nighttime drill, so I started pumping in the middle of the night to feed him a bottle, but who in their right mind wants to pump, which is already as un-fun as it gets, at 2:00 in the morning? I did that for awhile, but it started making my nighttime feedings overwhelming for me.

I would breastfeed during the day, but for whatever reason, this time around it just wasn't my thing.

So, I told Aaron that I wanted to ween Tristan off from breastfeeding and just formula feed him.

He was very surprised, since I had talked such a big talk to how I was so excited to breastfeed. But, walking the walk is serving to be more difficult than I expected, and I didn't want this expectation I put on myself to negatively affect me.

And, even though it may be awful to admit, I feel a sense of relief now that I'm not breastfeeding. Whenever I go somewhere, I don't have to worry about leaking. I don't leak on the sheets at night or wake up with huge wet circles on my shirt. I don't feel the pain from fullness that I'd get if I didn't pump or feed Tristan every couple hours. I'm able to go somewhere with my family for hours at a time without having to breastfeed in public (which is not my thing at all).

Tristan transitioned just fine to this new routine.

I felt like a failure. I still do. I feel like Tristan needed me to do something for him and I just couldn't. I feel like I've wanted this baby boy so long that I should be willing to do anything and everything for him. I see all these power moms that breastfeed for months and months, and I couldn't even make it to two months. I failed. And it still hurts when I think about it. I feel like I just totally let Tristan down, which is the heaviest feeling of guilt I've felt in a long time.

I have to remind myself that a ton of moms don't even breastfeed for as long as I did, and Tristan was breastfed during the critical first six weeks of his life. So, I feel good. Guilty and defeated, but still good.

Because more important than Tristan needing Mommy's milk is Tristan needing Mommy happy. And, truth be told, after I move passed the sense of failure, I am happy with this decision. And a happy Mommy makes a happy Tristan. :)

Blog Has Been Taking the Back Burner

I was silly to think I could keep blogging up as avidly (if you can even call it that) as I did before Tristan was born. Even though I'm not working, my time manages to pass by without me getting around to writing a post. My days and nights flow into each other and quite often, I don't know what day of the week it is!

I think the main issue is that I'm such a perfectionist! I want the content of my blog to be worthy of reading. I enjoying conjuring up interesting topics, ideas or themes, but lately, I can't manage to put all my thoughts to words. I come up with ideas on what to blog about in the middle of one day, but it's not until five days later that I actually start the post, and by then, I've forgotten about my oh-so-grand idea! I guess I should start writing them down. :)

I'm constantly being distracted...in a good way, of course. It's hard to commit to any one task at hand with a needy baby boy. Dishes take longer. I fold half a load of laundry until Tristan absolutely must be held, and then the other half doesn't seem to get folded until the next day. Showers are hit and miss, and sometimes it's not until Aaron gets home from work late afternoon that I get my "morning" shower in. Sometimes I shower before Aaron leaves for work. Sometimes I don't shower at all. I know...ew! My living room has officially become a war zone between Ella's toys and trinkets versus Tristan's blankets and bibs. It's a constant battle between the two. And it's not that I don't tidy up...it's just that minutes after doing so, it's a mess again. My white flag is waving in defeat. :)

So, as you can see, sitting down to write a quality blog post is hard.

I love blogging. Love, love, love! But, I love my baby boy and darling daughter more. But, nevertheless, I'm going to try and make a much better effort to put some material out there in cyberspace. Blogging makes me feel good. It's a reflection of me. Writing gives me a sense of pride and confidence. I can't really explain why...I guess it's because this is my blog stamped with my name that only I own. It's mine. It's special.

It's my therapy.

My outlet.

My memoir.

My documentary.

My heart.

And, as such, I'm going to try and prioritize this "baby" and make a diligent effort to post more often.

No guarantee, though. :)

Maternity Leave Fastly Coming to an End

Goodness, my maternity leave is just flying by! I go back to work a week from Monday. I cannot tell you enough how much I'm going to miss these days at home with my little loves. I finally got a good routine in place (well, as good as it can be with the unpredictability of a newborn), and I'm going to have to re-find my groove once I start up work.

Luckily, because I have an amazingly flexible and understanding boss, my hours will be as follows:

• Monday - 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
• Tuesday - 9:00 a.m. to noon, 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
• Wednesday - 9:00 a.m. to noon, 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
• Thursday - 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
• Friday - 3:30 to 5:30 p.m.
• Saturday - 6 hours

Crazy, huh?

The reason for the crazy hours are, as you can guess, to avoid putting Tristan in daycare. So, basically right when Aaron gets home in the afternoon, I head off to work. For those of you that don't know, I work at a law office as a paralegal.

Yes, the law office's hours are the typical 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., so my boss is really being generous in allowing me to work most of my hours during "off hour" times.

Also, my mom is kicking it into Grandma mode, and will be watching both kiddos Tuesdays and Wednesdays mornings, and then, with the six hours I'll be working on Saturdays, it brings my weekly grand total to 24 hours.

I get paid for 30-hour weeks, though, so I will be using vacation time I accrued from last year, and the three weeks I get this year, to meet those hours. There is no better way to spend my vacation time than to be home with my little lady and my little man. :)

Weighing In

I haven't updated you all on my weight loss journey, since I first mentioned I would be joining WeightWatchers. Because of the holidays and family visiting, I didn't really start the program until the beginning of the New Year. But, since I last weighed myself before Christmas, I have lost 6 pounds.

That means I'm 2 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight!

Boo-yah!

I can't really tell a difference yet. I still have the baby gut, but I hope that slowly disappears. Just gotta start using my ab muscles. Haven't used them for quite some time. :)

I'd like to lose 30 pounds, but I'm not going to be overly zealous about this. For me, I just have to take one day...one meal...at a time.

The Power of Now

I am just now getting around to finishing The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and although boring at times, it has a lot of insight that I thought I'd share with you all.

Back on June 26, 2010, I wrote this post about living in the present. Aren't we all too guilty of discounting our present moment by focusing too much on the future? I know I put too much emphasis on all my tomorrows, even before they become my todays. I know I worry (probably, no...definitely, more than the average person), and by doing such, I am not living in the now. If I would just focus on the NOW, and not belittle the blessings each moment holds, I think I'd transform myself into a totally different, better person.

While reading The Power of Now, I highlighted ideas / statements / thoughts that I fought insightful, and while re-reading those highlights, I thought it'd be beneficial to share some of them.

• The realization I am that is prior to I am this or I am that. (page 14)

• You see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it. (page 18)

• In your everyday life, you can practice [becoming intensely conscious of the present moment] by taking any routine activity that normally is only a means to an end and giving it your fullest attention. (page 20)

• Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body's reaction to your mind - or you might say, a reflection of your mind in the body. (page 25)

• If you really want to know your mind, the body will always give you a truthful reflection, so look at the emotion, or rather feel it in your body. If there is an apparent conflict between [your thought and your emotion], the thought will be the lie, the emotion will be the truth. (page 26)

• Make it a habit to ask yourself: What's going on inside me at this moment? (page 27)

• By dwelling mentally on the situation, event or person that is perceived cause of the emotion, the thought feeds energy to the emotion, which in turn energizes the thought pattern. (page 28)

• Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds. (page 30)

• All cravings are the mind seeking salvation or fulfillment in external things and in the future as a substitute for the joy of Being. (page 31)

• Realize deeply that the persent moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life. (page 35)

• What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. (page 35)

• Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. (page 35)

Cinder-Ella

My daughters loves to dance.

Sometimes, right when she gets home from school, she asks that I turn the music on so she can dance.

At night, she asks that we turn music on so she can watch her reflection in our sliding glass door while she twirls around.

A day does not pass that she doesn't dance.

She's always yelling out, "Mommy, watch! Daddy, watch!" and seems to learn new exciting moves everyday! I would definitely say dancing is her #1 passion.

Dressing up (or anything related to clothes) is a close second. So, naturally, before she begins dancing, she dresses herself up.

Well, this day, Ella decided she needed a Prince Charming to dance with, so she asked Daddy if she would be her Prince Charming and dance with her. Aaron took the role very seriously, and after being in the bedroom for awhile, came out in slacks, a dress-up shirt and tie. Ella was so excited! She then adorned him in jewelry and a crown, and they began to dance.

And, of course, I couldn't help but play "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman for them to dance to. How could I not? The opportunity perfectly presented itself.

I cried (and you'll hear it in my voice) while watching the two of them dance. And, I can't help but tear up a bit every time I watch this video. I am just so lucky.

Here's the video...

"Nothing's cute at 4am"

I'm not gonna lie...Tristan's 4 o'clock feeding is hard.

In a sigh of complete despair, Aaron muttered, "Nothing's cute at 4am" this morning. Yes, even though Tristan is the cutest baby boy, a haze of tiredness can skew that cuteness.

It's not so much the time of the feeding so much as it is that Tristan won't go back to sleep. He's up for the day. Or, at least until mid- to late-morning, then he's ready for a nap.

And, I know, once Aaron's school starts up on Monday and he won't be able to help with Tristan's nighttime adventures, I will struggle. I will be tired. I will lose focus on how blessed I am to have a son to wake up to in the middle of the night. I will feel sorry for myself on how little sleep I'll get.

But, every time one of those self-pity moments comes, I vow to slap myself in the face and remind myself of the following:

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

- Thoughts on Becoming A Mother (Author Unknown)

I have been through so much for Tristan to get here. So much! And, I refuse to forget the 2-1/2 years, the surgeries, the thousands of dollars, the failed IVF cycle, and the emotional toil it took for my dream to come true, no matter how little sleep I get.

I will not allow anything to take these moments away from my son. Even the tired, sleepless moments in the middle of the night where Tristan is warm and swaddled, fully fed and almost fast asleep, until he urps all over himself while exploding a wonderful gift in his diaper. :)

What I Want to Remember (0 to 1 Month)

I cannot believe that Tristan is one month old today! He is 1/12th of a year old! When I think of it that way, it makes me sad. I just know his first year is going to fly by. And, as a means to savor every moment with this little man, I plan on beginning a monthly blog series called "What I Want to Remember" where I will document the little things that I would otherwise forget.

What I want to remember about Tristan:

• His grunts. When he wakes up, it takes him a very long time to work up to a cry. He just grunts...and grunts...and grunts.

• His raptor noises. Do you remember the raptors from Jurassic Park? If so, picture that noise coming from a newborn baby boy. It is so funny! Aaron and I said, "He's raptoring it up." He mainly makes this noise when he's stretching.

• If he could be held 24/7, that would eliminate so much fussing and crying. He loves to be held. And, it doesn't matter who holds him, so if he's in the right mood, Ella can hold him while she watches a show and he would be totally content.

• The power of the boob. If he's fussy and clearly tired, nursing him puts him to sleep right away. And I mean, within seconds!

• I have to pump at night and then feed him pumped milk because he just falls asleep while nursing. It's an absolute pain, but this way, I know how much he's eating and he doesn't fall asleep while drinking from a bottle.

• His nighttime routine varies, but he typically goes to bed between 9:00 and 10:00, then wakes up between 12:00 and 1:00, stays up for an hour, then wakes up again between 4:00 and 5:00. This second feeding is the hardest because he is very awake and getting him back to sleep is near impossible. He's ready to start the day, but this mama is not! Actually, getting him back to sleep is not hard, it's laying him in his bassinet that is hard. The mili-second he feels his weight shifting to be placed in the bassinet, he starts grunting. Since this changing/feeding/rocking session is done around the time Aaron would usually be getting up for work (right now he's on Christmas break - he's a teacher), I just bring Tristan back into bed with me. He sleeps perfectly fine in my arms or right next to me. I just need that extra hour of sleep before Ella wakes up. And, then Ella climbs into bed with me when she wakes up, and although groggy, sleep-deprived and somewhat grumpy (I'm not a morning person until I get some coffee in me), these two blessings fill my heart with so much joy.

• He loves baths. He goes into them crying and comes out of them crying (if we don't get the towel around him fast enough), but while in the tub, he is perfectly content. I lay the warm washcloth on his tummy, and he's simply in Heaven.

• He has such a strong grip, and his arms are as big as his legs. I have a feeling he's going to have the athletic build that Daddy has.

• He's not a fan of the car seat, but loves car rides.

• I'm still not producing enough milk, so he's having to drink formula about 50% of the time. I either feed him or pump every 2-1/2 hours during the day, and then every time he wakes me up at night, but I still cannot make enough. This wasn't an issue with Ella, so I'm pretty bummed. Thankfully, Tristan can latch onto me and drink from a bottle without any nipple confusion.

• The most he's eaten during one sitting is 5 oz.

• Tristan does not like to be changed (clothes or diaper), but when he's not being changed, he loves his changing table. (Go figure!). In fact, one time, he fell asleep while waiting for me to change his diaper.

• And, last but not least, Tristan is binky handicapped. Ella was power sucking on her binky straight out of the womb. I have pictures of her at the hospital, perfectly content with that oversized binky in her mouth. Tristan, on the other hand, can't seem to suck it right. It goes in and then nearly all the way out, and then he quickly sucks it back in. It's actually really funny to watch. If we hold it in his mouth, the sucking soothes him and it helps him fall asleep, but if we don't hold him, it torpedoes out of his mouth. No joke! :)