I Can Talk the Talk, but I Can't Walk the Walk

Breastfeeding.

Oh, breastfeeding.

I had big, big plans. Big plans to solely breastfeed until Tristan was six months old. I was going to pump up a grandiose supply of breast milk for Tristan to enjoy beyond those six months, or for Aaron to bottle feed Tristan while I'm at work.

As you can see...big plans!

Big plans that fell through.

For some reason, breastfeeding with Ella was easier. I was able to do it much longer than with Tristan.

I think a big part being that Ella was my one and only. I also was not working. So, every minute of everyday was devoted to her, which made breastfeeding not as challenging.

But, I'll admit, it was very difficult for me this time around.

I started out with big hopes and solely fed Tristan breast milk until he was hospitalized for jaundice and my doctor ordered that I supplement with formula (for the Vitamin D). From that point on, I breastfed while supplementing with formula.

Tristan started preferring the bottle. It takes a lot less work for the baby to feed from a bottle than the boob, and even though he would latch onto me, it had become a comfort thing where he would just immediately fall asleep. He'd then wake up hungry, I'd try and feed him again, but then he'd fall asleep. Such had become the nighttime drill, so I started pumping in the middle of the night to feed him a bottle, but who in their right mind wants to pump, which is already as un-fun as it gets, at 2:00 in the morning? I did that for awhile, but it started making my nighttime feedings overwhelming for me.

I would breastfeed during the day, but for whatever reason, this time around it just wasn't my thing.

So, I told Aaron that I wanted to ween Tristan off from breastfeeding and just formula feed him.

He was very surprised, since I had talked such a big talk to how I was so excited to breastfeed. But, walking the walk is serving to be more difficult than I expected, and I didn't want this expectation I put on myself to negatively affect me.

And, even though it may be awful to admit, I feel a sense of relief now that I'm not breastfeeding. Whenever I go somewhere, I don't have to worry about leaking. I don't leak on the sheets at night or wake up with huge wet circles on my shirt. I don't feel the pain from fullness that I'd get if I didn't pump or feed Tristan every couple hours. I'm able to go somewhere with my family for hours at a time without having to breastfeed in public (which is not my thing at all).

Tristan transitioned just fine to this new routine.

I felt like a failure. I still do. I feel like Tristan needed me to do something for him and I just couldn't. I feel like I've wanted this baby boy so long that I should be willing to do anything and everything for him. I see all these power moms that breastfeed for months and months, and I couldn't even make it to two months. I failed. And it still hurts when I think about it. I feel like I just totally let Tristan down, which is the heaviest feeling of guilt I've felt in a long time.

I have to remind myself that a ton of moms don't even breastfeed for as long as I did, and Tristan was breastfed during the critical first six weeks of his life. So, I feel good. Guilty and defeated, but still good.

Because more important than Tristan needing Mommy's milk is Tristan needing Mommy happy. And, truth be told, after I move passed the sense of failure, I am happy with this decision. And a happy Mommy makes a happy Tristan. :)