"F" the New Year

No, I'm not referring to the "F Bomb." If you know me, you know that word never leaves my mouth.

But, what I'm referring to are the personal goals I'm committing myself to with the coming of 2012.

It goes without saying that 2011 was a wonderful year for my family and me. The year started out with sadness and despair, but also a sense of hope. (If you click on that link, you will see that I wrote, "2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!" And, boy, was I right!).

Going into 2011, I resolved to let go and let God and redirect my mind. I went into the New Year without knowing when we would move forward with our frozen embryo transfer (FET), or if we even would (due to finances)! I went into the New Year not knowing that our FET would result in a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby boy. I went into the New Year with so many questions unanswered and so much pain, but I am coming out of it with all my questions answered and a healed heart and soul. I now understand why God insisted I waited so long for my son. I know why I went through a failed IVF cycle. Tristan is the answer!!! If I had gotten pregnant any other time, Tristan would not be my son. He is the little man God intended for this family all along. I just needed to have more faith in God's beautiful plan for this family...for my son.

But, now, going into 2012, my resolutions will not revolve around conceiving my second child. Instead, they will revolve around making me a better me!

I resolve to work on:

Family... Time management is so key in life, and especially when it comes to my family. Now, with Tristan here, I clearly see that I need to manage my time better to allow for more time with my family and more "me time" (so I can keep my sanity!).

Faith... My faith always has room for growing. Even though it has grown so much the past few years, I feel like it can grow even more. Infinitely more. Other than attending church, I plan on committing to some sort of devotional that challenges me. I already read Proverbs 31's daily devotions, but I'd like to get some spiritual enlightenment from recreational reading and other devotions. I gain so much through these types of things!

Fitness... Fitness has pretty much left my vocabulary the past few years. While trying to conceive, going through infertility treatment and then being pregnant, I stopped exercising. I feel "flabby, fat and lazy" (know what Disney movie that line is from?), and now that I am pretty much fully healed from my c-section, I am finally going to get my exercising "mojo" back.

Food... Along those same lines, I'm going to commit to eating healthier. I have joined WeightWatchers to help keep me on track. Two words...portion control! I'm not going to give up a trip to In-n-Out every now and again or some frozen yogurt with Reese's on top, but I am going to portion control. Infertility took my body and had its way with it, and I'm going to take control of it and return it to what it used to be.

Happy New Years, everybody! May 2012 bless each and every one of you. :)

Hump of Nerves

I'm 7 days into this cycle and becoming increasingly nervous with each passing day, knowing it's one day closer to next cycle. My FET cycle!

Other than the obvious reasons, why am I so flippin' nervous? Why can I not get over this hump of nerves to a place where I am genuinely excited? I want to be excited! I want to believe that this FET will bring Ella her sibling(s). But, I can't get over this hump. :(

I can honestly say I was not this nervous going into my fresh IVF cycle. I was so confident. I think much of that confidence stemmed from how well my body responded to the stimulation drugs. I had a ton of follicles growing at a good pace. On the day of my egg retrieval, I had 19 eggs retrieved (16 of which fertilized). All of this made me mistakingly over-confident going into my egg transfer.

I thought I had it in the bag.

I thought my body was going to follow along the same lines and respond well to the two transferred embryos. I thought my body would accept those babies and they'd snuggle into a welcoming environment for 9 months.

But, I couldn't have been more wrong.

And because of this huge blow to my self-confidence, I feel wary going into my FET.

I'm so nervous my body will reject the babies again and that I'll have to heal from another letdown. No, not letdown. That is too soft of a word. It's more like a heartbreak. Like, I literally lost two of my babies. A part of my family. A part of my life.

Lately, I've been really trying to remain optimistic. The mind is a powerful tool and I'm trying to use it to my benefit. I'm really focusing on being mentally healthy, as well as physically and emotionally.

As an attempt to get more physically fit before the transfer, I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. And, believe it or not, Ella does it with me every time. I just have to ignore her because if I look at her, I start laughing and lose focus. She's a riot! It's a lot of fun. :)

Emotionally, I feel more like myself! The countless drugs I was on during my IVF cycle really messed me up. And waiting for those drugs to leave my system, while coping with a failed IVF cycle, really took its toll on me. But, today, I can honestly say I feel like myself again, regardless of my nerves.

So, really...I'm feeling so much better than I was this time last month, so my only hope is that this time next month, during the early part of our FET cycle, I feel even more better. :)

Balance

Surprisingly, I'm not referring to life - balancing work, being a mom, being a homemaker and being a wife - but instead I'm talking about the mind-body balance!

I really feel like God is persistently trying to tell me something here! I'm a stubborn gal, so He knows it takes a bit of effort to get through to me. :)

As I wrote in God is Speaking to Me Through Others, Sandy (being one of those people I referred to in that post), the nurse at Aaron's previous school, mailed me Molecules of Emotions, by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. She encouraged me to read this book because it opened her eyes to the power of the mind-body connection while battling cancer, and she thought maybe becoming aware of this connection might help me through my infertility.

I skimmed through parts of the books where Dr. Pert talked "science," but by the end of the book (which read much like an autobiographical novel) I gained so much knowledge and interest about the mind-body connection. It's truly amazing how the body is a reflection of its mind! I'm definitely fascinated, to say the least. I hope I can apply what Dr. Pert preaches on how to keep the mind-body connection healthy, especially as I start preparing my mind and body for our next step.

And then, God talks to me again...through another book, no less!

Aaron went over to his best bud, Jesse's, place on Sunday and he came back with The Infertility Cure, by Randine Lewis, Ph.D.

Jesse and his wife thought this book might help us as we move closer to IVF. I opened it up and was immediately drawn in. Again...the mind-body connection! I've read only a little bit, but I have to tell you, I'm hooked! This new truth that is being exposed to me is refreshing and organic.

And then, to top it off, while blog hopping tonight, I came across a fellow blogger who was trying Circle Bloom. It's meditation training to help with conception, both naturally and through medicated cycles (like IVF). God, are you still trying to get through to me?

A description from the website says, "Start using one of the most powerful tools you have to optimize your health, well-being and fertility – your brain. Our programs are based on the brain's scientifically proven ability to direct the body to affect real physical changes. For fertility, pregnancy and energy."

I tried a sample session and after the 15 minutes, I really felt good. I felt like I sent positive energy into my body (and ovaries, to be more exact) through my mind. Some of you may be rolling your eyes right now, but I don't care! The program cost $60.00, so I doubt I'll be purchasing it. Maybe I'll just use the sample session over and over again. :)

Alright, I'm going to bed, but I'll leave you with a quote by Lao-Tze.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

See? It all starts with our mind!

I Gotta Feeling

Recently, Aaron and I got an elliptical. It's primarily for me to use, but Ella always enjoys a good exercise. :)

Wow, look at that hair! When she works out, she means business! 

Checking out her form.

Re-hydrating herself.

Bob very confused by it all.

Typically, I do a 30-minute fat-burning workout, while watching an episode of Friends.

Of course, an episode only lasts 20 minutes long (without commercials), so for the remaining 10 minutes, when I need to get myself pumped up, I listen to Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" on repeat. The best part about the elliptical is the built-in speakers! I just hook up our iPod and the music blasts in my face, and with a song as motivating as this, I get the extra strength to finish the last of my workout.

If you haven't already seen this video, you absolutely need to watch it. Hundreds of dancers surprise Oprah at her Kickoff Party in Chicago. You can't help but smile while watching it. I know I can't! :)

Patience is Hard to Come By

If I had to choose three words to describe my life right now it would be LACK OF PATIENCE!!!

There is so much in my life testing my level of patience. Not only is my infertility teaching me the hard lesson of patience, but many other areas of my life are also being tested.

Ella is going through a phase right now. I can't quite get a hold of where this phase is stemming from, but she has pretty much stopped listening to Aaron and me. I realize her independence is shining through and she is trying to grow into her own person and test her limits on her way, but the respect she used to have for us is out the door. She is testing my patience all...the...time. Being patient towards Ella comes naturally, though, because she is my daughter and my unconditional love for her kicks in, but I still wish her listening ear hadn't gone deaf.

Also, my cupboard project is going to take absolutely forever. I went into this project blindly ignorant as to how much time and energy will go into it. In my mind, I didn't think it'd be this time-consuming. In any case, I plan on doing a little each day. I want to keep the fun in remodeling my kitchen without the task becoming daunting and overwhelming. Wish me luck!

Thirdly, losing weight is requiring a lot...and, I mean A LOT...of patience. As I said in my post, Infertility Fifteen, Aaron and I are striving to lead healthier lives. Aaron re-joined the gym (in fact, that is where he is as I write this) and we both are more conscious of what we are eating and portioning our shares. I'm eating as if I'm pregnant already...feeding my body the nutrition a growing baby would need. It's still hard, though, and I struggle, but at the end of the day, I am willing to sacrifice momentary pleasure of indulging in some of my favorite foods with the flicker of hope that perhaps this healthy lifestyle will help us conceive our second child.

Food has always been my therapy. It helps me cope. However, I'm trying to retrain myself to turn to God, Aaron and my family when needing a coping mechanism. I need to rely on them, rather than food, to help with the pain I'm experiencing with my infertility.

So, as I take each day as it comes, I will "[w]ait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." (Psalm 27:14 (NLT)). For, as Wendy wrote in The Waiting, "God doesn't waste time; He holds it in His hands. He redeems it by using our experiences to prosper us in each season of life."

This and That

Physical therapy for my lower back pain has been going well. I can't say that my back is completely feeling better, though. I have good days and bad days and how I feel doesn't seem contingent on if I'm doing the exercises. I'm being as consistent with my exercises and icing as I can, and lately Ella has been showing interest in doing the exercises with me! She's like my personal trainer, telling me what stretch to do next and then telling me, "Good job, Mommy!"

Ella studying her next stretch.

With that amount of toys, it's hard to believe it's our living room and not Ella's bedroom!

Studying again.

Using a beach ball as her exercise ball. She's just too funny.

I pray my back starts feeling better. I'm tired of having this constant pain. Committing to my back exercises and icing sessions goes along with my quest to living a healthy lifestyle.

In other news, Aaron and I have officially started our kitchen cabinet remodeling! Aaron took off the handles while I cleaned the surface with TSP. This is all we'll be able to get done until this weekend because tomorrow we're heading to the Stanislaus County Fair with my parents, Aaron's cousin and husband are visiting Thursday and then we're heading to my grandparents' place on Friday. Nothing like having some fun-filled dates planned with people we love.

Next step is to take the cabinet doors off and start the sanding madness.

I made a diagram of our cabinet doors, giving them each a number for labeling. We have 33 cabinet doors altogether! This is going to be one long project! I'm hoping its complete by the time Aaron's school year begins.

White cabinets will definitely brighten up our kitchen. I'm so excited!

Infertility Fifteen

I'm sure you've all heard about the infamous "freshman fifteen." Some freshmen in college end the year weighing more...whether it be five, ten, fifteen, or even twenty pounds more.

Well, the same unfortunate luck applies to me, except I'm packed on the INFERTILITY FIFTEEN! Being an emotional eater and going through this emotional battle can only mean one thing...pound influx!

But, on top of that, fertility drugs soak in the pounds like a sponge. A sponge that isn't so easily wrung out! I was on Clomid for a total of seven months! Not only was I an emotional, psychotic mess, but month by month, the pounds slowly started to add on. The drug messes with a woman's hormone balance and if a woman's hormone balance is tampered with, weight is usually affected as well. It is much like the birth control pill where many women sometimes experience weight gain. Nothing in their diet is changed...just that hormone change! Darn hormones!

Our "2-year anniversary" of trying to conceive is just around the corner. At that time, Aaron and I plan on being very aggressive to conceive our second child. How aggressive? We haven't decided yet. But, we'll be consulting an infertility specialist to see what he/she feels our best options are.

Until that time, Aaron and I have both committed to a healthier lifestyle. It's only common sense that if each of us (especially me) are healthier and at a healthier weight, then all aspects of our bodies are in better shape and working at full potential. Even though Aaron and I conceived Ella quickly and naturally without changing our lifestyle choices, committing to a healthier lifestyle may be the extra step keeping Aaron and me from conceiving this time around.

Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers as we have now approached our 23rd month of trying to conceive. This journey has tested our relationship in all directions, but the best direction it has moved us is forward! Our commitment and love to each other and each other's happiness have infinitely grown over the past 23 months and I have this journey, although unfortunate, to thank for that.

Needless to say, we are soooooo ready for this journey to come to an end! SpongeBob says it best...

God is Speaking to Me Through Others

Please note in advance, this is a pretty lengthy blog post. Bear with me as I have a lot to say today.

Yesterday, from the outside, looked to be an uneventful, ordinary day. Worked my usual 8:00 to 1:00, came home and spent time with Aaron and Ella before heading to a doctor's appointment. Then we all ran some errands, ate dinner, and before I knew it, it was time to hit the hay. But despite the mundane appearance of yesterday, the little things made it a very memorable day.  From the inside, God was working overtime on my heart...through others.

God was speaking to me through people.

Firstly, I received an e-mail from my Aunt Diane, lending me some words of encouragement and advice as I continue with my infertility. She enthusiastically told me about her experiences on how powerful the mind is over the body. That if you make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking, that the body will follow the mind's lead. This explains why people who are stressed feel tension in their shoulders, gain weight...you know the list. There was a lot of truth to what she said.

My mind is sometimes my biggest obstacle in life! I tell myself I can't do something and, sure enough, I make my mind prove to myself and my body that I can't do it. I am my own worst enemy. Losing weight falls into this category. I want to lose weight, but I tell myself that I can't. So, my mind limits the potential achievements of my body.

She said, "If we want something to happen...just make it so in your mind, whether you believe it or not at this point...make it REAL in your mind." She suggests I try to envision myself pregnant. Even though it is not a reality, my mind controls my body. And even though getting pregnant isn't something I can control, I can control my mind! Perhaps pouring that positive energy through my mind into my body can help. Hey, I'm willing to try anything at this point!

Secondly, Aaron came home from work with encouraging words from the nurse at his school, who has become a respected friend to Aaron over the past year. She is a survivor of breast cancer. She knows what it is to hit rock bottom and bounce back up to heights that she had never been reached before. She had the analogy of life being like a river. Clear, crisp, flowy. But, all rivers have those murky areas. The areas where the fungus and bacteria collect and the water stagnantly sits, swirling in circles. There is no flow, there is no life. It just sits. I believe I am in this murky area, going round and round. The beauty of life has come to a halt as I sit in this area of nastiness, allowing negative thoughts about the lack of pregnancy to settle into my soul, unintentionally and uninvited, but there nonetheless. I have to release myself from those negative thoughts.

Amazingly, Aaron divulged what Sandy said soon after I received that e-mail from Aunt Diane. Both speaking about the power of the mind. Coincidence? No. It's God trying to tell me something. Trying to change me!

Thirdly, I had my first appointment with my physical therapist for my lower back pain. It went really well. I was there for two hours and learned so much about where this chronic pain stems from, some stretches and exercises to gradually strengthen my back and, basically, an overall sense of how to better take care of myself. Based on my symptoms and what he saw, my physical therapist believes that after my lower back muscles loosened from my pregnancy with Ella, they never fully regained their strength. So, the muscle between my bottom four vertebrae is weak, causing there to be friction between the vertebrae and shooting out pain through my nerve endings. With a sedentary job as a paralegal, there is a lot of pressure on my lower back. And, with having constantly picked up a growing child the past three years, my back has never truly had a chance to heal. I have a huge lump of inflamed soft tissue to show for it!

Because of my health and age, my physical therapist is hopeful the natural approach of physical therapy will do the trick, rather than having to resort to surgery, injections or medication. If I stick to my exercise regiment, my back should get better with time. Just in time to *knock on wood* get pregnant again and consequently experience more back pain again! But hey, I'll take any amount of pain for a healthy second child!

Seeing a physical therapist and soaking in his knowledge on how to listen to my body and the proper approaches to strengthen my body left me feeling enlightened and strong. I now see that in order to care for my family, I have to first take care of myself. What good would I be as a mom if I can't run around with my children.

So, just as I am going to try and take control of my mind better, I am also going to take control of my body. Become aware of what is good and not good for it, listen to it. The knowledge and insight I gain as I do this will then transfer onto a healthier pregnancy (again, *knock on wood*).

Through all of these experiences yesterday, I heard God's quiet voice in the loudness of my life telling me to take it easy - to ease my mind, ease my body, ease my spirit.

My Achy Breaky Back

Ever since Ella was born, I've had chronic back pain. The pain comes and goes and is dependent on how active I am. The pain is always centered around my lower right back and shoots over to my right hip.  Aaron massages this spot all the time, but the pain always re-surfaces.  He thinks I have a pinched nerve, but there is also a bump there, which means something might be inflamed.  Either way, I'm hurting and I'm tired of it!

Aaron and I have been going on power walks together during the evenings. Yesterday, not even halfway through the 2-mile walk, I told Aaron the pain had started up again. He's been trying to convince me to see a doctor FOREVER, so he was as sympathetic as he could be without saying, "I told you to see a doctor!" By the end of the walk, my fast pace slowed down to a leisurely stroll and I decided at that point that I need to take care of myself and see a doctor. No more putting this off, no more thinking that the problem will somehow disappear without treatment or therapy.

This pain makes my body feel way older than I am. My lower back, even when not in great pain, is always uncomfortable. And when God blesses me with another pregnancy, if I plan on carrying a baby for 9 months comfortably, I need to get my back in tip top shape. And, all you women out there know how trying a pregnancy can be on your back! Maybe God is telling me that I need to take care of myself first before I can healthily bear another child. In any case, this is not something I'm going to ignore any longer. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The first step to a new back and a new me (hopefully)!

And last but not least...10 more days 'til camping!!! We got our Subaru serviced yesterday, tent trailer is at the shop having its bearings packed, propane tanks are filled, sleeping bags are washed. All the last-minute things are gradually getting checked off our list. Words cannot even begin to describe how excited we are! WOO HOO!!!

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Since Aaron and I have started trying to conceive our second child, I can count on more than 2 hands the amount of my friends who have told me that they are trying to conceive who have then gone on to say the three magic words, "I am pregnant."  Some more quicker than others, but all quicker than me.

My really good friend found out she is pregnant today, and this one hit me hard.  Even though I'm  happy for her (she, too, had infertility complications), my heart sinks.  I write in my posts about how I'm going to keep the faith and remain hopeful, but yet the harder I try to see the glass as half full, the deeper I fall into this funk that I can't shake off.

So, with the news of my friend's pregnancy and this Clomid messing with my emotions, you could say I'm pretty emotional today.  Haha, this reminds me of the quote from Anchorman, when Will Ferrell's character yells out, "I'm in a glass cage of emotion!"  That is how I feel (minus the comical part).

I pray God will change my heart and help me surrender myself to His perfect timing.

I pray God will continue to provide me strength.

After I hit the year mark of trying to conceive, I really didn't think I'd find the strength to continue.  I didn't think I had any hope left to spare.  But here I am, 6 months later, and I'm still hanging in there.  But really, what is my other option?  Give up???  I DON'T THINK SO!!!  The potential joy of having another child outweighs all the disappointment I've endured...times a million.

Okay, change of topics.  My commitment to maintaining a healthier lifestyle is going really well.  I had hoped to redirect some of my attention of getting pregnant to focusing on being a healthier person, spiritually, mentally and physically.  Overall, and (even though some of my blog posts may show otherwise), I have been spending less time thinking about getting pregnant.  I know, shocked, right?  I'm feeling healthier and more confident about myself and the future.  Even though it's only been the first week of this transformation, I'm willfully determined to continue.  And, hey, I've been told time and time again that once I stop stressing about getting pregnant and just "go with the flow," that I'll get pregnant.  Well, lets see if it happens!

Healthy Lifestyle

Eating healthy has never really been my "thing."  I go through spurts where I'm really good, but my usual eating habits always return.  I find that I'm an emotional eater and with this lack of pregnancy happening, I'm relying on food as a coping mechanism.  I know...not good!  And, I guess, a part of me always thinks that I'll get pregnant "next month," and when pregnant, it's okay to gain weight, so no big deal to gain a little bit now, right?  WRONG!!!

Sister is very admirable.  She has acquired a love for fruits, vegetables and all things natural/organic.  She's a true health nut and she wears that label proudly.  I wish I was like her.  BUT, I'm changing my ways and lifestyle.  It'll be a gradual process and I don't ever see myself being as restrictive, for lack of better words, as Sister, but I'm eager and determined to find a healthy lifestyle that suits me.

Sister has given me pointers on how to change my eating habits.  I'm learning that eating healthy isn't about counting calories or following a specific dieting plan.  It's about LIVING healthily.  By that, I mean that my thoughts and actions should not revolve around food.  Happiness should not revolve around food.  If I win this battle over food being this "buddy" of mine that helps me cope with problems, consequentially a healthier, happier life will fall into place.

Even though Fat Bastard from Austin Powers is a ridiculous character, there was so much truth when he said, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat." Having been trying to conceive for so long, I've become relatively unhappy.  Not to the point of depression or breakdown, but just an overall shift in my mood.

So, with all that said, this post starts the beginning of an avid attempt to change my ways.  My hope is not to lose a lot of weight (although that would be an incredible consequence), but to create this desire or passion inside of me to treat my body as God would want me to.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

Just as I see Ella as a glimpse of perfection, God looks at me with the same admiration.

I also hope that through this new journey, I will shift my thoughts.  I find myself thinking so much about getting pregnant, wondering what is wrong with me, why I'm battling infertility that I need something to convert my thought process and concentrate on a new idea.  And what better thing to concentrate on than maintaining a healthy lifestyle???