Other than the obvious reasons, why am I so flippin' nervous? Why can I not get over this hump of nerves to a place where I am genuinely excited? I want to be excited! I want to believe that this FET will bring Ella her sibling(s). But, I can't get over this hump. :(
I can honestly say I was not this nervous going into my fresh IVF cycle. I was so confident. I think much of that confidence stemmed from how well my body responded to the stimulation drugs. I had a ton of follicles growing at a good pace. On the day of my egg retrieval, I had 19 eggs retrieved (16 of which fertilized). All of this made me mistakingly over-confident going into my egg transfer.
I thought I had it in the bag.
I thought my body was going to follow along the same lines and respond well to the two transferred embryos. I thought my body would accept those babies and they'd snuggle into a welcoming environment for 9 months.
And because of this huge blow to my self-confidence, I feel wary going into my FET.
I'm so nervous my body will reject the babies again and that I'll have to heal from another letdown. No, not letdown. That is too soft of a word. It's more like a heartbreak. Like, I literally lost two of my babies. A part of my family. A part of my life.
Lately, I've been really trying to remain optimistic. The mind is a powerful tool and I'm trying to use it to my benefit. I'm really focusing on being mentally healthy, as well as physically and emotionally.
As an attempt to get more physically fit before the transfer, I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. And, believe it or not, Ella does it with me every time. I just have to ignore her because if I look at her, I start laughing and lose focus. She's a riot! It's a lot of fun. :)
Emotionally, I feel more like myself! The countless drugs I was on during my IVF cycle really messed me up. And waiting for those drugs to leave my system, while coping with a failed IVF cycle, really took its toll on me. But, today, I can honestly say I feel like myself again, regardless of my nerves.
So, really...I'm feeling so much better than I was this time last month, so my only hope is that this time next month, during the early part of our FET cycle, I feel even more better. :)
9 comments:
Completely understand your wary feelings. Know you are being lifted up in prayer by many of your followers :) Love the part about the 30 day shred - I just started this also (day 7 now) and my little guy does it with me too! Seeing him try push-ups is the funniest thing ever! Glad that your precious girl is such a joy. Press on. Excited for you guys!
It's totally understandable that you feel wary and anxious. You wouldn't be human otherwise.
Also, you seem to be dealing with the stress in a constructive way, and I'm sure that if you continue, you WILL feel a whole lot better this time next cycle.
HUGS
I hear ya...but I have a good feeling about this FET for you!!!
Praying for your upcoming FET!
Praying for this next step in your the journey!!
I have a very good feeling about this next cycle for you Bobbi! Keep up with the optimism- it can only help right! You've got lots of people sending good thoughts and prayers your way and I'm one of them!!
You have every right to feel the way you are. This is not an easy task or fun at that. First we are trying to swallow the fact that we cant get pregnant on our own. And when we finally take the plunge and do fertility treatments we deal with the meds and feeling like crap. Then we hope and pray it works. So you feel however you want and get through however you can. (((Hugs)))).
I think your hump of nerves is just your mind and heart being guarded. Anytime we get knocked down, we are cautious to move forward. But keep up the positive thinking and put your faith in God!
We are all cheering for your family!
You described my thoughts to FET perfectly! I was so confident IVF would work and when it didn't, it's just hard to be positive about anything else. I bet Ella is hilarious with the workout-you should post a picture!
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