Lots of Bumps to My Baby Bump

I know someday I'll be pregnant. In my heart of hearts, I know that someday this journey will come to an end and my baby will no longer be a dream, but a tangible reality that I can cuddle, love on and devote myself to (other than my sweetheart, Ella, of course).

All the bumps I've experienced the past 2-1/2 years will lead to the ultimate bump. The bump I yearn for. My baby bump! :)

And even though each bump to this baby bump seems to get progressively harder to endure, I know that, in the end, everything will be fine. If it's not fine, then it's not the end!

Each bump, metaphorically, is like a mountain. Standing on top of a mountain allows me to see things I would not be able to see when in a comfortable, non-challenging, pain-free life. You see, even though infertility has brought us so much pain and doubt, it has also given us the opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to so much more than we could've imagined. The bumps along the road have allowed us to become better, stronger, unstoppable. Infertility is my own personal Mt. Everest, but imagine life's view from the earth's tallest point? Catch my drift?

Have any of you heard the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns?

The song starts off with the lyrics, "She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


I used to relate to those lyrics. I used to be that girl. The Bobbi 2-1/2 years ago is not the Bobbi today. The Bobbi today is stronger, and all of that strength has come from my relationship with God.

My faith is infinitely growing, and, in turn, Aaron and Ella's faith is growing too. God is a daily part of our lives now. We talk about Him, we pray together. He has become more of a focal point in our everyday going ons, and the more I focus on Him, the more peace I feel that He sees the bigger picture and that He will provide for our family. It's absolutely amazing how God has transformed our lives through this thing called infertility.

The song ends with the lyrics, "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


God was chasing me (and still is!). So long as I live in a broken world, He will always need to chase me. But, now I am more open to hearing His calling and living a life pleasing to Him. I can honestly say if Aaron and I conceived our second child as easily as we did Ella, our relationship with God would not be as strong as it is today. God knew infertility would be a necessary means to achieving this relationship.

That doesn't mean I have wholeheartedly accepted our situation, though. I still have moments of hopelessness and even anger, but each bump along our journey has made me stronger than every yesterday. In hindsight, each bump has blessed us, not hindered us. Even though going through a failed IVF cycle has been one of the lowest points in my life, I know I serve a faithful God, and He is and will continually use the relentless beating down of infertility to transform our lives for the better.

Infertility is so, so hard. No woman should be withheld from being a mom that so desperately wants to be one. But, I think a woman that becomes a mom, after having gone through years of infertility, has something special. Something that fertile women don't have. It's this underlying beauty. Just as a near death experience may awaken somebody to see life's true beauty, infertility has awakened me to see motherhood's true beauty. My baby will bring me to my knees in the deepest, most awesome appreciation ever. My entire soul will scream with delight. My heart will seriously burst with so much love that it will hurt. Infertility has opened me up to such depths.

So, I guess all that I have left to say is...

I CAN'T WAIT! :)