I haven't posted in awhile simply because I'm in a place. I'm sure most infertile women know this place and some might even visit often. It's the place of self-pity. A place where "Why me?" and "When will it be my turn?" are repeatedly questioned. A place where my worries, anxieties and stress outweigh my hope, determination and faith.
And even though I have the opportunity of a lifetime next month to transfer 3 beautiful blastocysts (2 of which are hatching out of their shells), I am scared out of my mind. Stress is squeezing every ounce of hope out of my being.
I am so scared to the point that I want to indefinitely postpone my FET. Seriously! I want to forever hold onto the hope those three frozen embryos give me. Once they are transferred, I have no back-up to ease my worry in case our FET doesn't work. But, right now, I have them and I don't want to lose them. I don't want my body to reject them like they did their "brother and sister." I don't want for us to go through all of this only to come out empty-handed (or should I say empty-wombed?).
I told Aaron today that maybe we should wait another month, but he is encouraging me otherwise. He told me that he doesn't think I'll every 100% be ready. And, I know he's right. I have days where I think I'm ready, but most days I'm so very scared.
Our IVF cycle and now our FET cycle have left us with a huge chunk of debt of which we are making nearly $300/month payments on...for the next 6 years! To me, though, that's a really small price to pay to make our dreams come true and make Ella a big sister, but the problem is there is no guarantee. We can do this FET, and even though my doctor said we will have a 70% go 75% chance it'll work (even better than the 66% statistic because we will be transferring three embryos), there is still that 25% to 30% chance that it won't work! And then what? All that debt for absolutely nothing and we start from square one again, but this time, thousands and thousands of dollars poorer.
It goes without saying, but this obviously adds to the stress. Stress I wish I didn't have, but there nonetheless. Finances have a way of making any matter worse, don't they? :(
Well, I'm ovulating today, so maybe...just maybe...all of this stress will be for nothing! Wouldn't God reveal a serious sense of humor in blessing us with a baby right now? So, like I've said time and time again...I can't help but try because when you want something so bad, you're willing to do the impossible.
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7 comments:
Our God can move moutains, surely we know he's capable of a miracle like this! His WILL BE DONE!!
I'm praying for you, sweet Bobbi, that your womb will accept the life you & Aaron so desperately want to conceive, whether it's unexpected, or your FET!
Sweet dreams, and listen to that husband of yours, don't stress, just rely on the love you two have!!
I found myself with some of those same feelings before we saw our RE. I was (and maybe still am) so scared that treatments would end the same way as all of those natural cycles. It was easier not to hope or have faith in the process.
I think Aaron is right on this one, you might not ever feel totally ready. You have to take a leap of faith and trust in that great big God of ours.
He has a plan for you, Bobbi. I'll be praying!
I totally understand...I have been in that place many times. You have to trust in this next FET! If you can't than I will trust in it for you! (HUGS)
I struggled very much with the fear. I have faith the hatching blasts will bring a BFP. Wishing you the best.
P.S. We decided to end our IVF journey and are in the middle of a home study! Hope to go active by the end of March!
We have all been here.. its so hard to have hope & faith when it has failed you before.
But you gotta move forward, keep trucking strong lady.. You Can Do This! *hugs*
I totally understand your thoughts on this, Bobbi. Sometimes hanging on the hope you have of what's to come is easier than doing it. I have faith in you and your little babies to be. xoxo
I completely understand your fears and concerns. I have the SAME ones as we are going into, yet another cycle. The money is being spent like it is growing on the tree in my backyard, when in reality serious sacrifices are made in our lives. People say, go have fun, relax, go on vacaction and 'get away from it for a while'....1st there is no forgetting your womb is empty, 2nd, I have no money to go on vacation with!!! Uggg i just wish this was easy. I know it is scary but in the end, I hope we have our babies and the money spent will be a distant past :)
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