Professional Flower Girl

Aaron, Ella and I are headed up to Portland on Friday for my cousin-in-law, Travis' wedding. The future member of this crazy family is Courtney @ La Mia Vita Bella (feel free to check out her fun blog). She's such a sweetheart and I absolutely love her (as we all do). I'm happy to soon be calling her family. I guess she'll also be considered my cousin-in-law? Heck, we're all just cousins! :)

Aaron's the photographer (this will be his 5th wedding he's photographed!) and Ella will be the flower girl. She has become quite the pro! See for yourself!

Best friends, Matt and Danielle's wedding. They got married on Ella's 1st birthday!

My cousin, Scott and Jocelyn's wedding. Ella was the "designated" flower girl. Ella was 2 years and 1 month old. (Sorry for the bad picture. I didn't have any straight shots).

Sister and Tim's wedding!!! May 30th, 2009! Ella was 2 years 8 months old. Ella misses her Auntie Becca!

Good friends, Garrett and Heather's wedding. It's like Ella knew what to do! She spotted the flower bouquet and pretty lady in white and knew she needed to go to her and look cute for some pictures. Heather said she was their last-minute flower girl. Cue cuteness! Ella was 3 years old

Aaron's cousin, Vicki and Derek's wedding last Christmas-time. Ella was 3 years 3 months old.

Ella's last wedding! Aaron's brother, Andy and Holli's wedding. (Small picture, sorry! I don't have any pictures from this wedding). Ella was 3 years 7 months old.

Can't wait to add another picture to this flower girl collection this Saturday. It's going to be a beautiful day!

I Do Have A Friend Carrying Me

Thank you for all your e-mails and comments to Fellowship of the Infertile. Through your responses, I realized something. I do have a friend carrying me...Jesus! Sometimes I forget He is right there, carrying me and my burden of infertility.

I have questioned God so much through all of this. So much doubt entered my mind and heart about who He is and why He is letting this happen to me. If He was so wonderful, why would He allow so much suffering to happen? And with the recent news that my father-in-law's cancer has spread to his bones, I momentarily slumped down even further into that fog of doubt.

But, I have grown! I have grown so much stronger through this entire experience! Rather than living in the luminous state of "If God was who He is, then this wouldn't be happening," but instead feeling privileged and empowered that He would give me the strength to walk through this journey and open my heart to grow from it. My state has now shifted to, "With God by my side, I know I can get through anything!"

A year ago (after a year of trying to conceive), I told myself that there was no way I could continue. I convinced myself there was no way I could do it any longer, feeling such disappointment and anger. But, luckily, God is bigger and stronger than those stubborn thoughts. He gave me the strength to get through another year of trying for our baby. It wasn't easy and I could probably fill Lake Tahoe with the amount of tears I've shed over this, but I am better for it today. I now feel Jesus carrying me through this journey. In the beginning, I didn't. I was living with doubt, anger and sadness. Now, even though I still feel those emotions from time to time, I strive to live with joy, hope and peace.

Life is not perfect. Bad things happen to good people. Cancer carelessly strikes anybody and everybody. We live in a broken, fallen world. I can't expect to pray to God, "Please bless me with a baby," and wake up the next morning with a positive pregnancy test. God does not wave a magic wand and rid our lives of any possibility of pain or disappointment.

But what God does do is give us the means to grow. And through this inner growth, I have changed, and perhaps the most important thing I've changed is my attitude. It is through this attitude that I perfect my imperfect life. I'm able to see the beauty in my life with this new attitude, rather than the dark ugliness that is so quick to overpower.

Now, please, don't misunderstand me. Every minute and every day is different for me. I may feel peace one minute and then sadness the next. Infertility is the world's longest, tallest, topsy-turvy emotional rollercoaster ever, so there's no way I can be on this ride without feeling moments of anger and depression. But, I guess, what I want you to take from this post is that I know I'm being carried by my very dear friend, Jesus, through this journey, and that the more I submit to His plan and His calling, the more perfect my imperfect life becomes.

Fellowship of the Infertile

Aaron and I watched The Lord of the Rings' trilogy over the past couple weeks. We finished the final movie last night and I got kinda emotional. I told Aaron, "I want a friend like Sam."

Click HERE to watch the a clip of the tear-wrenching speech at the end of the movie series.

Sam says, "Then let us be rid of it, once and for all. Come on Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

This line, combined with Sam's hero shot of carrying Frodo gets me every time. Oh, and the music! The music is so moving! If you watched the clip, you likely feel the same way!

How amazing would it be to have a friend like that? Who stands with you through the worst walk of your life, encouraging you along the way. And then, when you feel like giving up or have no more strength to make that next step, this friend carries you. Carries you!

And just as Sam could not carry the burden the ring brought Frodo, but could instead carry him, I too feel like I need a friend who, although incapable of carrying the burden infertility has brought me, can still carry me and give me strength when I have no more to give.

But, despite my longing for friendship in my life, it's sad to say that I really don't have any friends, especially ones close enough to help carry me through my infertility. I'm a homebody in every sense of the word. Where some people enjoy social gatherings and being "outside" the home, I much prefer keeping my social life with my family and within the walls of my own home. But that is not what is stopping me from investing in friendships, despite how important I think friends are in one's life.

This walk through infertility has made me emotionally unavailable, for lack of better words. I'm simply unwilling to reach back to the hands of friends reaching towards me. My neighbor (Theresa), my old high school friend (Michelle), some friends I reacquainted myself with through Facebook...everybody! They have all made a number of efforts to hang out with me, to befriend me, but I hold myself back.

I think I hold myself back because I live in a constant state of fear! Fear that I will hear another friend tell me she is pregnant. It happened with Theresa, it happened with countless Facebook friends (one, in particular, who I had grown awfully close with and had a number of play dates with her, her son and Ella), and I'm afraid that I will hear it again, spiraling myself deeper into this state of fear. Fear of breaking down with hearing the news one more time. Fear of losing myself a little bit more in this battle with infertility.

However, the friendships I have developed through the blogging community are truly helping me! Each and every one of you is carrying a part of me. You all give me words of encouragement and of hope. I feel the prayers sent my way. And most significantly, with all of you walking (or having walked) through the same awful journey of infertility, you can all relate to me. You can relate to this fear I speak of...the fear of not knowing when your time will come or if your time will come, and in the meantime, wondering how many more "I am pregnant!" announcements you can endure without going mad.

So, I thank all of you for YOU! You are helping me more than you know. :)

Life's Pathway

At times, life's path seems filled with things that make the going rough,

And we wish there were a smoother road, for we feel we've had enough...

But, if we pause a moment and remember Who's in charge,

The hills that loom ahead of us no longer seem so large,

And every rock before us, when we know we're not alone,

Becomes, not just a stumbling block, but one more stepping stone.

- Emily Matthews

Praying this message gives some of you hope and inspiration.

Call from Dr. Weckstein

I've been in touch with the RSC's financial coordinator (Amy) and Dr. Weckstein's IVF nurse (Ivonne) throughout the week, getting most of my questions answered to gain more comfort in our next steps. It's such a confusing, overwhelming process and I just want to make sure I have a firm understanding of everything going into it.

I told both Amy and Ivonne that, unless we get pregnant within the next few months on our own, Aaron and I are committed to doing IVF. It felt good telling them that, but still scary nonetheless.

On CD 2 or 3, which I'm guessing (since I didn't use an OPK this cycle) will be either the Tuesday or Wednesday after Labor Day, I have to have blood work done. But now, since we are committed to doing IVF, I was told that Aaron also has to have blood work done (which my needle-phobia husband is not happy about). So, we'll probably go into Quest Diagnostics together and make it a bonding, blood-giving experience. :)

Once the results for the testing comes in, Dr. Weckstein will be able to give us more insight as to what's going on with our hormone levels. He's guessing everything will check out, but we have to go through all this standard protocol in order to be considered for an IVF program.

One thing that we know isn't checking out is Aaron's sperm movement. He had a semen analysis (SA) done a year ago to rule out that us not conceiving was due to him. His sperm count was off the charts (80 million), his sperm morphology was at 80%, but his sperm motility (movement) was not where it should be. I never saw the chart until last week, so up until then, I thought everything was fine as far as Aaron's "contribution" went. However, when I requested my OB-GYN fax the SA to me so that I can then forward it onto Dr. Weckstein, I was sadly mistaken. My OB-GYN had told me the results and, her words were, "Everything looks good. Count is good. Motility a little below average, but that should not affect anything. You'll still get pregnant." Ummm...a year later, doc, and we're still not pregnant!

Aaron's sperm motility might not be the underlying factor with our infertility, but medical professionals do emphasize that motility is the most important quality of a male's sperm. So, who knows, really.

So, Aaron will be undergoing another semen analysis for more concrete readings, especially since a year has past since his old screening. Dr. Weckstein left a message on our phone today saying that depending on the results of this second semen analysis, ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) may need to be done, which adds on a couple thousand to the already out-of-this-world IVF fee. Lovely.

I'm hoping ICSI won't be necessary, not only for the financial aspect of it, but also for the "nature" part of it. With ICSI, the doctors take the best sperm(s) and inject it into the best egg(s). Without ICSI, the doctors simply put the sperm and egg in a petri dish and let them fertilize on their own. The sperm pick the egg and things happen as "God intended." I much prefer that way because the doctors don't control which ones match up, but instead God or nature does. Hard to think of it in such a way when the fertilization is happening in a lab, but it makes sense in my mind. :)

On another, very positive note...

Dr. Louis Weckstein nominated to the Best Doctors in America

The Reproductive Science Center of the Bay Area is proud to announce that Dr. Louis Weckstein has been elected to the 2009-2010 Best Doctors in America database for his contributions in the field of reproductive endocrinology.

That's my IVF doctor! YAY!!! If you wish to see a video of him answering some questions (I know, boring, but for family members who read this blog, you might be interested in seeing who he is), click HERE. Once the new window opens, click on "Meet the Doctors on Video" on the left column, and then click on "Dr. Weckstein." He's warm, personal and you can tell he has a great passion for his field of expertise.

That's it for now. T.G.I.F., everybody!

Five Question Friday

Nothing new to report over here, so I figured I'd participate in My Little Life's Five Question Friday. It'll give you all the opportunity to know me a little better. :)




1. How many pets do you have?

We have two dogs...a 7-year old black lab named Zoe and a 1-year old pug named Bob. And despite their major personality differences, they have become the best of buds.

2. If you could switch places with anyone in the world for one day, who would it be?

Probably somebody who is alone on a beautiful, secluded beach in Hawaii. No person in particular, really, I would just love to be there for one day. I'd love to have a day in solitude where I can soak in the beauty of this world in one of the most beautiful places imaginable, be alone with my thoughts and God and simply revive myself. My infertility really wears me thin some days.

I was originally going to put Jennifer Aniston because I've always loved her. Walking through her shoes for a day could be exciting, but why would I want to spend a day around strangers and dealing with public appearances. Although, if she was going to be meeting up with Gerald Butler this specific day, I may ditch the whole Hawaii idea!

Don't worry, Aaron knows about my not-so-secret celebrity crush. :)

3. What is your favorite money saving tip?

For us, I feel the main area to spend less is by making meals at home and not eating out. It's just common sense, right? A couple (plus a toddler) can easily drop $30 to $40 on one meal at a restaurant or $20 at, say, Togo's, our all-time favorite sandwich joint. That kind of money can be enough for a week's worth of dinners at home...or more!

Even though cooking dinner every night can become monotonous and unenjoyable (and having to clean up the dishes afterwards is always a drag), I am determined to follow this money saving lifestyle, and hope to get enough courage to try new recipes to keep my husband happy (and stick to #2 on my 101 in 1001 List).

And, it is through this sacrifice of dining in that we will be one step closer to affording IVF.

Hmmm...Red Robin or a baby? I choose the latter. :)

4. What do you want your kids to be when they grow up?

Anything that makes them happy. :)

5. What is your favorite quote?

I have a lot of favorite quotes, most of which are Bible verses. Check out some of them on my page, Inspiration to Live By (I try to update this page frequently). But, I think the one that I most enjoy right now is by Ruth Bell Graham, who said, "As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible."

Ella's Special Bond with Grandpa

Right from the beginning, Ella shared a special bond with Grandpa Dan. So much so that, other than her giggling at a balloon one day, he was able to get her to laugh for the first time. And, of course, we were able to get her first laugh on camera!



Ella is 5 months old in this video.

Balance

Surprisingly, I'm not referring to life - balancing work, being a mom, being a homemaker and being a wife - but instead I'm talking about the mind-body balance!

I really feel like God is persistently trying to tell me something here! I'm a stubborn gal, so He knows it takes a bit of effort to get through to me. :)

As I wrote in God is Speaking to Me Through Others, Sandy (being one of those people I referred to in that post), the nurse at Aaron's previous school, mailed me Molecules of Emotions, by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. She encouraged me to read this book because it opened her eyes to the power of the mind-body connection while battling cancer, and she thought maybe becoming aware of this connection might help me through my infertility.

I skimmed through parts of the books where Dr. Pert talked "science," but by the end of the book (which read much like an autobiographical novel) I gained so much knowledge and interest about the mind-body connection. It's truly amazing how the body is a reflection of its mind! I'm definitely fascinated, to say the least. I hope I can apply what Dr. Pert preaches on how to keep the mind-body connection healthy, especially as I start preparing my mind and body for our next step.

And then, God talks to me again...through another book, no less!

Aaron went over to his best bud, Jesse's, place on Sunday and he came back with The Infertility Cure, by Randine Lewis, Ph.D.

Jesse and his wife thought this book might help us as we move closer to IVF. I opened it up and was immediately drawn in. Again...the mind-body connection! I've read only a little bit, but I have to tell you, I'm hooked! This new truth that is being exposed to me is refreshing and organic.

And then, to top it off, while blog hopping tonight, I came across a fellow blogger who was trying Circle Bloom. It's meditation training to help with conception, both naturally and through medicated cycles (like IVF). God, are you still trying to get through to me?

A description from the website says, "Start using one of the most powerful tools you have to optimize your health, well-being and fertility – your brain. Our programs are based on the brain's scientifically proven ability to direct the body to affect real physical changes. For fertility, pregnancy and energy."

I tried a sample session and after the 15 minutes, I really felt good. I felt like I sent positive energy into my body (and ovaries, to be more exact) through my mind. Some of you may be rolling your eyes right now, but I don't care! The program cost $60.00, so I doubt I'll be purchasing it. Maybe I'll just use the sample session over and over again. :)

Alright, I'm going to bed, but I'll leave you with a quote by Lao-Tze.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

See? It all starts with our mind!

Yes, No or Grow

God always answers prayers.

His answers to everyone's prayers always fall in one of these three areas.

Yes.

No.

Or...GROW!!!

I know what my answer has been these past two years. Rather than searching for that "Yes!" month after month, I needed to search within myself and grow! I think in the past I was focusing too much attention on that "Yes!" answer, that I turned a deaf ear to the answer He is giving me. The answer to grow!

I'm growing through this journey. I now understand that God is answering the prayer I pray everyday...the prayer for a second child...by giving me this opportunity to GROW. To grow into a better woman of God, to grow into a stronger wife, to grow into a more patient mother for Ella, but most importantly, to grow into a better version of myself. I am so not the person I was two years ago, and I really do have my infertility to thank for that.

So, as I look back at these past two years, I now see that God never denied me an answer to my prayers. He has answered me in bright, bold certainty. Grow, Bobbi!

In my heart of hearts, I know He will bless me, whether naturally or through IVF, with another child(ren). I know my role as mother doesn't stop with Ella. So, until that time comes, I hope to continue growing. Thank you, God, for giving me this opportunity. Maybe this wait isn't that bad after all?

Okay, I said maybe! :)

AWANA

I'm sure most of you have heard of Awana. Well, it starts on Wednesday, September 1st, at our church (Monte Vista Chapel)! Aaron and I decided to enroll Ella in the year-long Cubbies program. We thought it'd be a good experience for her. She'll learn more about Jesus, participate in fun activities, have arts & crafts time, memorize Bible verses and just get to have FUN with lots of kids her age!

However, Ella has a lot of me in her. Meaning, she's really quite reserved and shy in unfamiliar environments. She does the whole hide-behind-mommy's-leg thing. She holds her hands and sometimes she holds them up near her mouth and cowers her head down. It's just how you'd envision a shy little girl looking. It's really cute (and makes me feel really good that she finds so much comfort in me), but at the same time, I know what's best for her and I know encouraging her to try new things is important for her social skills and development.

But, during "last morning's" (as Ella says) church service, I had a self revelation! Here I am...wanting to encourage Ella to do something new without even considering to follow the very lesson I'm trying to teach her. I will lead Ella, but I won't following my own lead! I'm making my shy daughter branch out and try new things while her shy grown-up mommy can't do the same.

Well, after the church service and while Aaron was picking Ella up from Sunday School, I signed Ella up for Awanas and then told the director that I wanted to be a parent volunteer. I asked if she would need me, and she said, "Oh yes!" So, I will be a leader for one of the stations. Don't know which yet, but I'm excited to be doing this with Ella. I'm thrilled to be able to watch her interact with others and to be her source of comfort when overwhelmed or uncertain. And, I get to cross off #46 on my 101 in 1001 list!

Ella made this scroll during her Sunday School class. So hard to live by these words, but such a perfect goal to try to achieve day in and day out.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Today was "Crazy Hair Day" at Ella's school. The above scroll was wrapped with blue pipe cleaner, and when you combine blue pipe cleaner with "Crazy Hair Day," this is what you get! :)

On another note, Ella is officially writing her name!!! I can't believe it! (Notice her overly zealous letter "E").

I'm so proud of my Ella. :)

"If It Was Going to Happen, It Would've Happened By Now"

I haven't been able to write about my infertility specialist's appointment until now. And really, I don't even know if I have fully wrapped my mind around things yet, but writing helps me. It helps me sort out my emotions and clear my mind.

I still feel numb. My heart is still sunken down in my stomach and my eyes are still red from crying more than I've ever cried before this weekend.

Aaron and I sought an infertility specialist to get some direction. We were going in circles, not knowing which way to go, and figured a professional's insight was our next step. I thought after going over our medical records/history and discussing the past couple years with Dr. Weckstein, he would just give us a couple pointers as to what we're doing wrong that we can do better, possibly some helpful tips that'll help us conceive, and shoo us out the door. I came with questions about if my weight is a factor, if drinking caffeine or alcohol is a factor, what vitamins we should be taking, how much exercise is too much. I thought a professional's opinion on those issues would be the golden ticket to board the conception train (yeah, I know that was lame!). But, his response was that we were doing everything fine. Okay, that doesn't help much, but still good to hear (I guess).

He said we fall under the "unexplained infertility" category. No, duh (bet you haven't heard that in a long time!). I asked how common unexplained secondary infertility is, and he said it's more common that one would think. So, because nothing is wrong with us, I thought the 25% chance of getting pregnant each month still applied to us. After all, we're healthy, everything's checked out with all the testing we've done, and we have conceived in the past! It's just taking (a lot) longer this time, but I really wasn't expecting what Dr. Weckstein told us next.

He told us that "statistics" show that out of all the 27-year old couples that have been trying to conceive for roughly two years, only 3% of them successfully conceive on their own. I held it together, but inside I was screaming, "WHAT?!?!?" He went on to say that if we choose to continue trying naturally for the next year, by the end of the year, we would have a 36% chance of getting pregnant. Now the numbness kicks in. My hands become cold. I look at Aaron next to me, trying to find some comfort in Dr. Weckstein's unfamiliar office. Dr. Weckstein flat out said, "If it was going to happen, it would've happened by now."

I said a quick prayer in my head, I took a deep breath, straightened my back, looked Dr. Weckstein in the eyes and allowed him to tell us our options.

Option #1:

• Keep trying to conceive naturally.
• Chance of success per cycle: 3%.
• Response: Okay...what else?

Option #2:

• The "Clomid Challenge," in which I would get back on Clomid and they would closely monitor my follicles and perform an IUI around ovulation.
• Chance of success per cycle: 10-15%.
• Response: Aaron and I do not want to put either of us through "Bobbi on Clomid" again! What else?

Option #3:

• Shot treatment followed by IUI.
• Chance of success per cycle: 15%.
• Response: The cost for the shots is between $4,000 and $6,000, and there is no way we are willing to pay that much for that little chance of success. Plus, the chance of triplets or more is the most frequent with this treatment because they cannot control how many eggs mature, drop and fertilize. We do not want to take that chance of being Aaron and Bobbi Plus Eight. Okay, what else?

Option #4:

• IVF.
• Chance of success per cycle (for us): 60%, if we transfer two embryos (with 30% chance of twins, 30% chance of one) and 52%, if we transfer one embryo.
• Response: We need to go home and digest all of this.

Further testing still needs to be done. I have to have blood drawn to test my FSH and estradiol levels. Aaron needs to have another, more extensive semen analysis done. Once our results come back, we will be told what IVF programs we qualify for and then the choice will be left to us.

Aaron and I spent a lot of time digesting this all in this weekend. We both have similar emotions. Anger, sadness, bewilderment, surrender, but most importantly, we feel revival. Revival in the sense that we now have the path laid out before us. We now know what needs to be done. It wasn't what we were thinking or would've ever imagined in our wildest dreams, but it is the path God has chosen for us.

We also spent a lot of time looking over our budget to see how on earth we could afford an additional $300-$400 (we're guessing) monthly payment. I'm due for a raise next month and Aaron has his new contracted salary starting this month, with an additional raise coming once he finishes his Master's degree in a few months. I've also cut out "extra" expenses, like TV (no more HD or DVR, just the basic 20 local channels) and texting (every little bit helps!). Other than that, we really couldn't cut much else, so we're hoping with those cuts and our raises, the extra monthly income will show to be enough. I know God will provide, but I don't want to blindly jump into  IVF treatment without first seeing if it's a financial reality or not. Aaron and I both promised each other to make this work, though, regardless of the sacrifices. We will make this work.

Well, now you have it! Aaron and I will be going through IVF treatment. Not sure when, not sure how, and until we know when and how, we will keep trying naturally, holding onto that 3% chance. Hey, God doesn't even need 3% to make miracles happen! But, that 3% chance is not enough for me to indefinitely hold onto, month after month. I am completely and utterly emotionally strained, and I will trade that off for a financial strain, if it means having a little baby in my arms someday soon, I'm okay with that. No matter the cost, this is the path laid before us and we choose to obediently follow. We choose IVF. We choose family.

P.S. Please be sensitive to our decision. :)

Priceless

Cabinets are D-O-N-E!!! Actually, they've been done for a few days, but I'm just now getting around to taking and posting pictures of my "work of art."

Here's the breakdown:

• Kilz Complete Primer - $30.00
• Valspar Premium High Glass Paint - $45.00
• 2 Purdy 3" high quality paint brushes - $30.00
• 25 10-foot trim moulding- $150.00
• Brad-nail gun - $55.00
• Nails - $5.00
• Wood glue - $5.00
• 220-grit and 60-grit sandpaper for sander - $15.00
• Plastic sheet to shield dust - $20.00
• Blue painter's tape - $5.00
• Goggles and dust masks - $5.00

• Total cost of materials - $365.00

(Air compressor and miter saw I borrowed from my dad, so thankfully didn't have to purchase!)

• New cabinets - PRICELESS!!!

Stretched Thin, But Not Broken

My husband has a way with words. He wrote me this poem a few months ago when we found out the IUI failed. I broke down and told him that I felt alone in this journey through infertility. That I felt he was not as emotionally invested and that sometimes his strength came across as not caring. He digested what I told him, let me lay out my heart, and after crying with me, he left for the office and came back with this poem.

I'm glad he is strong where I am weak. God knows I need a strong man by my side. I'm glad he is positive where I am negative. God knows I need a breath of fresh air when spiraling downward in all that is wrong. And I'm glad I was able to pour out my heart to him, to be returned with his true feelings being revealed throwing this poem.

I am not alone. He is right there with me. He feels this deep pain, too. He just has a different way of expressing this pain, and working through this difference has been a challenge. It still is.

After yesterday, our pain is even more bonded. We became two-in-one when united by marriage, but yesterday, I think that union became deeper and stronger.

The tears they flow, you wanna hold em’ back,
Feelings like a rubber band stretched so tight you’re ready to snap.
And you tell yourself, please!, please don’t look back,
You feel that once you were bubbly, and now you’re feeling flat.
And the result is crummy, heck it’s downright crap,
You look back and even though it’s sunny all you can see is black.
How long will this stormy cloud follow you off the beaten track?
It’s been pulling me apart as well and you probably never thought of that.
You probably think, what’s his deal? Why doesn’t he hurt?
Why am I alone, and cold, feeling like dirt?
I tell you this, you’re not alone,
It’s exactly the opposite.
The cloud follows me to even though I act positive.
I ask Him, why? Where is our deficit?
How can this long wait possibly be legitimate?
Is it chance, is it luck? I ask myself these questions,
Is God just trying to teach us a lesson?
How can you do this? It’s downright depression,
I must confess it’s becoming obsession.
So yes, I feel it, maybe not the same as you,
My heart still bruises the color black and blue.
SO let us stand together, we shall hold hands,
Set aside our need to control and let His plans play out,
It’s His demands, He understands,
That’s what faith is all about.

Emotionally Drained

Today has been so emotionally draining. I have a headache from dehydrating myself through my tears. I'm too tired to write a post tonight, but I will let you all know how our appointment with the infertility specialist went, probably tomorrow.

My Prayers are in Canby

As some of you know or have read in previous posts, my father-in-law is battling prostate cancer right now. Despite radiation treatment these past few months, we just received news that his PSA (Prostate-Specific Antigen) levels have gone up again. The fast rate his PSA is rising signals to his doctor that the cancer is aggressive. He is also losing a lot of weight pretty rapidly, which shouldn't be happening considering the hormone shots he's taking usually results in weight gain. I won't go into any more details, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE lift him up in your prayers. He will be undergoing more testing within these next couple weeks that will provide more answers. Dan's strength is resolute, though. He takes each day as it comes, each test as it comes, trusting in the doctors and, I hope, trusting in God, too.

Aaron, Ella and I surely wish we could be with Dan (and of course, you too, Janice!) during this time.  It's so hard to be hundreds of miles away, feeling helpless and concerned, and wanting so badly to just be up there to help him walk through this difficult time. Our hearts are surely up there, though, feeling the same aches, searching for answers or relief, and always hoping for a better tomorrow. And not only are our hearts up there, but apparently our fruit too!!!

Check that out! A Turlock Fruit Co. cantaloupe made it all the way up to Canby, Oregon, and not only that, but in my in-laws' house! I'm sure they thought of us with every juicy bite they took. :)

I Gotta Feeling

Recently, Aaron and I got an elliptical. It's primarily for me to use, but Ella always enjoys a good exercise. :)

Wow, look at that hair! When she works out, she means business! 

Checking out her form.

Re-hydrating herself.

Bob very confused by it all.

Typically, I do a 30-minute fat-burning workout, while watching an episode of Friends.

Of course, an episode only lasts 20 minutes long (without commercials), so for the remaining 10 minutes, when I need to get myself pumped up, I listen to Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" on repeat. The best part about the elliptical is the built-in speakers! I just hook up our iPod and the music blasts in my face, and with a song as motivating as this, I get the extra strength to finish the last of my workout.

If you haven't already seen this video, you absolutely need to watch it. Hundreds of dancers surprise Oprah at her Kickoff Party in Chicago. You can't help but smile while watching it. I know I can't! :)

101 in 1001

I have a few fellow bloggers who are participating in the 1001 Day Project, and I have finally decided to commit to this challenge as well.

The Challenge:

Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:

Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Why 1001 Days?

Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple challenges such as New Year's resolutions or a 'Bucket List'. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips, study semesters, or outdoor activities.

PLEASE NOTE: The above description of the challenge was taken off Project Zero's website and is not my own words.

So, my challenge for each of you is to participate in this project and...

This could be an exhiliarting exerpience! A way to actually hold ourselves accountable for reaching goals and attaining dreams that we always seem to tuck away in the corner, a corner where we are our own worst enemy. "Oh, that'll never happen" or "I can do that tomorrow" are words I hope to not speak as I embark on this challenge.

I tried to create the list as realistic as possible because I really want to be able to cross every item off by the 1,001st day. There are a couple farfetched goals or dreams, but I put them down anyway. For the most part, though, I made this list as a benchmark for me to fall back on, to help me live a life where I don't settle for second best. Everyday matters, and I hope to treat each day as such.

 
If you wish to read my list and follow me through this journey, check out the link at the top of my page entitled 101 in 1001. I hope to blog about my experiences as I cross items off my list. Enjoy!

It Is Time

Aaron and I have decided it's time. It's time to see an infertility specialist. We were planning on waiting until we hit the 2-year mark next month, but as I sunk back with another month gone, another defeat, I told Aaron that I'm ready. I told him there was no point to wait another month. He agreed.

So, this coming Friday, we are driving to the bay area to see Dr. Louis Weckstein at Reproductive Science Center of the Bay Area. This initial consultation is basically for the doctor to get a feel for our situation and to lay out our options. We are basically paying $275.00 just to "talk." A papsmear-type thing will be done during this appointment to check my uterine lining and my follicles, though, which I'm eager to have done. And unless my results from that procedure are abnormal or blood work comes back showing hormonal imbalances, I know what our options are.

I am truly scared for decisions that will have to be made in the near-ish future. I'm scared to make the wrong decision. Do I continue faithfully trying to conceive naturally? Do I get back on Clomid (which I absolutely DO NOT want to do)? Do I try shot treatment? Do I attempt another IUI? Or, do I jump right into an IVF? I am daily praying for guidance.

To gain insight and inspiration, I met with a friend who, after nearly two years of trying to conceive for her first child, met with Dr. Weckstein. Not too long after her first visit with him, she had an IVF done. She now has 1-year old twins, a girl and boy. I know God has placed her in my life for this reason. She has been a support to me in a way that others have not because she has walked the path I am now walking, she has felt the dark emotions I am feeling. She is a strong Christian and battled the uncertainty of if she should continue to have faith in God or have science help her, the same inner battle that I am now trying to understand.

Now, I'm not saying an IVF is in our future. I'm not saying anything! But it's absolutely mind boggling to think that IVF has even left my lips when talking to Aaron about our options. I never thought it'd come to something like this, especially since we are a proven fertile couple!

But, just as some couples who require fertility treatment to conceive their first child and experience no trouble conceiving their future children naturally, Aaron and I are falling along this same situation, only we are backwards.

I just don't want to wait any longer. Am I selfish to say that? Am I going against God's Will by putting my fertility in my own hands? Am I even making the right choice to see an infertility specialist? These are all questions I'm struggling with everyday, but I'm hoping and praying that after Friday's appointment, I feel more at peace.

Mini Heart Attack

Last night, when I got onto the computer, I saw that someone (or something) had hacked into my e-mail account and sent out a link to everybody in my contact list. It looked like the e-mail bounced back from each contact (maybe everybody's e-mail address recognized it was a virus or spam). In any case, Google realized there was suspicious activity and made me confirm I was the owner of that e-mail account by receiving a code via text message. I was really surprised that those extra precautionary steps were taken, but grateful. So, now my password is "strong" as opposed to "weak," and I will be signing off every time, rather than just closing the window.

Of course, finding my e-mail was hacked was upsetting enough, but then while going through my e-mails I came across two e-mails asking if I deleted my blog!!! I seriously had a mini heart attack at that moment. Gmail and Blogger are interconnected (same username and password), so with my Gmail being hacked, I thought for sure something was done with my Blogger account. I signed in and closed my eyes, afraid to open them, and when I did, I saw my blog! Oh, so much joy rushed through my body.

I never realized my blog meant so much to me! But, why wouldn't it? After all, I've poured my heart and soul into my blog and losing all my posts, not to mention lose all the friends I've made throughout the blogging community, would be so devastating!

With Love, Sister

Let me get right to the point...I HAVE THE BEST SISTER IN THE WORLD!!! I am blessed beyond words to have her in my life. If you have time, check out her blog @ Food, Fitness & Faith! As of late, she's been super duper busy, but I promise that she does write in her blog, and when she does, you'll find insightful tips on maintaining a healthy lifestyle while focusing on God, feeding our bodies what they need, living naturally and finding fun in fitness. She's very inspirational!

Yesterday, I felt like I was in college. I received a care package from Sister! Just, out of the blue...no reason, no occasion...just an "I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you" care package. She is so thoughtful!

Packaged with LOVE LOVE (the most special kind of love there is).

She wrote sweet little notes to all of us (even Zoe and Bob!).

And the best part! COOKIES!!! And not just any cookies! Super healthy cookies. Only my health-conscious, nutrition-minded sister can make even the healthiest cookie taste delicious. I don't know how she does it, but she does! We all enjoyed them, but Aaron a little too much. I came home from visiting a friend last night (which I will write about later) to more than half the cookies gone. Then, this morning, when making Ella's lunch, I noticed there were only two cookies left! So, both Ella and I got to have one cookie each. Sister, you'll have to make some more when we visit next month! :)

And Sister, being my health confidant, knows I am trying to eat healthier and sent this notepad to help keep me on track. Thank you! She helps keep me accountable, even when living in a different state.

And Ella got some shimmery bug stickers that she decided to put all over Eeyore's belly. :)

And, naturally, while taking pictures of all our care package goodies, Ella wanted pictures taken of her. So, here is a picture of her "not eating" her cereal.

I was miraculously allowed to clip her hair, so you can actually see her face in these pictures! She was very excited to go to school. She's loving her new teacher and classroom.

LOL!!!

Laughing at herself.

This has become Ella's signature pose.

It's the weekend already! What are all of you doing this weekend? My plans...FINISH THOSE DARN CABINETS!!!

Pug Dress Up

At one point this afternoon, I heard Ella giggling profusely in her bedroom. I knew Bob was in there (as he usually is) because they are best buds and follow each other around the house. Lots of times, when I check in on her, she just says, "Privacy, Mommy," being the independent little girl that she is, and I close the door and go on my merry way. But this time, I peeked in and, instead of going on my merry way, I quickly grabbed the camera and took some pictures! You can see why...

The stylist, Miss Ella.

Does his look say it all? "Please, oh please, take this off!"

Bob is such a trooper...always putting up with Ella. :)

Am I Messing Up Ella?

Lysa TerKeurst is the author of "Am I Messing Up My Kids?" Even though I haven't yet read the book, the title appeals to me. Raising children is no easy task. And because we live in a fallen world, so much more responsibility is laid upon us parents to give our children the love, support and confidence to find the courage and strength to stand tall amidst the adversities life brings.

We don't just bring children into the world, but God entrusts us with them. God entrusted Aaron and me with Ella from the day she was born (from the day she was conceived!) and I refuse to fail. I have to admit, though, that sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I'm sure a lot of parents can relate to this.

I try so hard to successfully display unconditional love, and for the most part I do, but sometimes I fall short...very short. My patience is not always at the level it needs to be. The "listening ears" I so earnestly ask Ella to use I often times forget to use myself. I prioritize my needs before Ella's needs, thinking the dishes come before doing a puzzle with Ella or reading an e-mail comes before reading a book to Ella. I could make a list a mile long of the things I could do better.

So, as I continue my walk through parenthood, I will learn to accept that nobody is perfect, not even us moms (although we come close...just kidding!). I should not strive for perfection in my parenting because that is simply unrealistic, but instead strive to show a healthy authority. I want to display to Ella the perfect combination of love and discipline.

And just as I can make a list a mile long of things I could do better, I can make a list one hundred times that long of things I feel like I'm doing just right.

I was born to be a mom, imperfections and all, and I can't wait for the day that I bring a sibling into the world for Ella, the day that my title as mom extends beyond Ella. Until then, I won't belittle the beautiful role I have now of being Ella's Mommy.