I Do Have A Friend Carrying Me

Thank you for all your e-mails and comments to Fellowship of the Infertile. Through your responses, I realized something. I do have a friend carrying me...Jesus! Sometimes I forget He is right there, carrying me and my burden of infertility.

I have questioned God so much through all of this. So much doubt entered my mind and heart about who He is and why He is letting this happen to me. If He was so wonderful, why would He allow so much suffering to happen? And with the recent news that my father-in-law's cancer has spread to his bones, I momentarily slumped down even further into that fog of doubt.

But, I have grown! I have grown so much stronger through this entire experience! Rather than living in the luminous state of "If God was who He is, then this wouldn't be happening," but instead feeling privileged and empowered that He would give me the strength to walk through this journey and open my heart to grow from it. My state has now shifted to, "With God by my side, I know I can get through anything!"

A year ago (after a year of trying to conceive), I told myself that there was no way I could continue. I convinced myself there was no way I could do it any longer, feeling such disappointment and anger. But, luckily, God is bigger and stronger than those stubborn thoughts. He gave me the strength to get through another year of trying for our baby. It wasn't easy and I could probably fill Lake Tahoe with the amount of tears I've shed over this, but I am better for it today. I now feel Jesus carrying me through this journey. In the beginning, I didn't. I was living with doubt, anger and sadness. Now, even though I still feel those emotions from time to time, I strive to live with joy, hope and peace.

Life is not perfect. Bad things happen to good people. Cancer carelessly strikes anybody and everybody. We live in a broken, fallen world. I can't expect to pray to God, "Please bless me with a baby," and wake up the next morning with a positive pregnancy test. God does not wave a magic wand and rid our lives of any possibility of pain or disappointment.

But what God does do is give us the means to grow. And through this inner growth, I have changed, and perhaps the most important thing I've changed is my attitude. It is through this attitude that I perfect my imperfect life. I'm able to see the beauty in my life with this new attitude, rather than the dark ugliness that is so quick to overpower.

Now, please, don't misunderstand me. Every minute and every day is different for me. I may feel peace one minute and then sadness the next. Infertility is the world's longest, tallest, topsy-turvy emotional rollercoaster ever, so there's no way I can be on this ride without feeling moments of anger and depression. But, I guess, what I want you to take from this post is that I know I'm being carried by my very dear friend, Jesus, through this journey, and that the more I submit to His plan and His calling, the more perfect my imperfect life becomes.