My husband has a way with words. He wrote me this poem a few months ago when we found out the IUI failed. I broke down and told him that I felt alone in this journey through infertility. That I felt he was not as emotionally invested and that sometimes his strength came across as not caring. He digested what I told him, let me lay out my heart, and after crying with me, he left for the office and came back with this poem.
I'm glad he is strong where I am weak. God knows I need a strong man by my side. I'm glad he is positive where I am negative. God knows I need a breath of fresh air when spiraling downward in all that is wrong. And I'm glad I was able to pour out my heart to him, to be returned with his true feelings being revealed throwing this poem.
I am not alone. He is right there with me. He feels this deep pain, too. He just has a different way of expressing this pain, and working through this difference has been a challenge. It still is.
After yesterday, our pain is even more bonded. We became two-in-one when united by marriage, but yesterday, I think that union became deeper and stronger.
The tears they flow, you wanna hold em’ back,
Feelings like a rubber band stretched so tight you’re ready to snap.
And you tell yourself, please!, please don’t look back,
You feel that once you were bubbly, and now you’re feeling flat.
And the result is crummy, heck it’s downright crap,
You look back and even though it’s sunny all you can see is black.
How long will this stormy cloud follow you off the beaten track?
It’s been pulling me apart as well and you probably never thought of that.
You probably think, what’s his deal? Why doesn’t he hurt?
Why am I alone, and cold, feeling like dirt?
I tell you this, you’re not alone,
It’s exactly the opposite.
The cloud follows me to even though I act positive.
I ask Him, why? Where is our deficit?
How can this long wait possibly be legitimate?
Is it chance, is it luck? I ask myself these questions,
Is God just trying to teach us a lesson?
How can you do this? It’s downright depression,
I must confess it’s becoming obsession.
So yes, I feel it, maybe not the same as you,
My heart still bruises the color black and blue.
SO let us stand together, we shall hold hands,
Set aside our need to control and let His plans play out,
It’s His demands, He understands,
That’s what faith is all about.
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3 comments:
It is so easy to forget our guys in this struggle. I know for the longest time I had the same feelings about my hubby. How could he not be hurting like me? But, like you've seen, although it is the same hurt and the same pain... our guys deal with it in a differnt way. I'm doing my best to remember that this is a journey that God has for us as a COUPLE. God gave us strong faithful husbands for a reason!
What a beautiful post, I am tearing up reading the poems. Your love is so strong that it will pull you through even when you feel down. Remember positive thoughts always help.
I wrote this on my blog, im not sure if you saw it:
"Thanks Bobbi!
I agree, thinking of the good out ways the bad. Have you ever tried a positive aspects journal?
Basically what it is: a journal that you start off ever page with the phrase "positive aspects of...." I have a notebook and have written all the positive things from family, friends to my car to vacations etc. Whenever I am sad, i read my entries and it makes me so happy. We have a lot to be thankful for."
Wow, I totally love this. I definitely have issues feeling like my husband isn't as emotionally invested as me. This is a nice reminder that it's not necessarily the case...
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