Thoughts on Becoming A Mother ...again

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown


My love for Ella is so special. She is my first born and our bond is made in the heavens. The painful road to conceiving our second child is not only going to make me a better mom for our second child, but it is making me a better mom for Ella right now. "I will be a better mother for all that I've endured." God blessed us with Ella so quickly and easily and He is not blessing us any less because we are not conceiving our second child with as much ease. I think through this experience, God was hoping I'd see the incredible beauty of motherhood, a beauty that had been hidden from me. 


Becoming a mom to one, two, three kids is not a simple thing I can put on my to-do list and cross off right away. It's a journey. This has been a long journey, and I am learning that it's not the prize (a baby!) at the end of the journey that validates it successful, it is the person I am becoming through this journey that matters most. A baby will come when a baby comes, but what good of a mother would I be if I was bitter, depressed and angry at the world for this happening to me? I need to treat our infertility as a beautiful miracle...a new woman is evolving through this journey and that is a lot to be thankful for.


"Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams." I appreciate Ella more and I know I will appreciate our second child that much more, too. Thank you, God, for this journey. I am no longer going to doubt your reason through all of this. Instead, I will wait patiently for our little blessing.