Fellowship of the Infertile

Aaron and I watched The Lord of the Rings' trilogy over the past couple weeks. We finished the final movie last night and I got kinda emotional. I told Aaron, "I want a friend like Sam."

Click HERE to watch the a clip of the tear-wrenching speech at the end of the movie series.

Sam says, "Then let us be rid of it, once and for all. Come on Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

This line, combined with Sam's hero shot of carrying Frodo gets me every time. Oh, and the music! The music is so moving! If you watched the clip, you likely feel the same way!

How amazing would it be to have a friend like that? Who stands with you through the worst walk of your life, encouraging you along the way. And then, when you feel like giving up or have no more strength to make that next step, this friend carries you. Carries you!

And just as Sam could not carry the burden the ring brought Frodo, but could instead carry him, I too feel like I need a friend who, although incapable of carrying the burden infertility has brought me, can still carry me and give me strength when I have no more to give.

But, despite my longing for friendship in my life, it's sad to say that I really don't have any friends, especially ones close enough to help carry me through my infertility. I'm a homebody in every sense of the word. Where some people enjoy social gatherings and being "outside" the home, I much prefer keeping my social life with my family and within the walls of my own home. But that is not what is stopping me from investing in friendships, despite how important I think friends are in one's life.

This walk through infertility has made me emotionally unavailable, for lack of better words. I'm simply unwilling to reach back to the hands of friends reaching towards me. My neighbor (Theresa), my old high school friend (Michelle), some friends I reacquainted myself with through Facebook...everybody! They have all made a number of efforts to hang out with me, to befriend me, but I hold myself back.

I think I hold myself back because I live in a constant state of fear! Fear that I will hear another friend tell me she is pregnant. It happened with Theresa, it happened with countless Facebook friends (one, in particular, who I had grown awfully close with and had a number of play dates with her, her son and Ella), and I'm afraid that I will hear it again, spiraling myself deeper into this state of fear. Fear of breaking down with hearing the news one more time. Fear of losing myself a little bit more in this battle with infertility.

However, the friendships I have developed through the blogging community are truly helping me! Each and every one of you is carrying a part of me. You all give me words of encouragement and of hope. I feel the prayers sent my way. And most significantly, with all of you walking (or having walked) through the same awful journey of infertility, you can all relate to me. You can relate to this fear I speak of...the fear of not knowing when your time will come or if your time will come, and in the meantime, wondering how many more "I am pregnant!" announcements you can endure without going mad.

So, I thank all of you for YOU! You are helping me more than you know. :)