Waiting

We made the foggy drive to RSC and back. My blood is drawn and I should be receiving the call any minute.

The drive was quiet both ways.

Aaron asked me why I'm so sure it didn't work. My response was a quiet, "Because I feel what I feel."

He then came back with, "Well, I feel what I feel! And I feel it worked!"

We cried. We held hands, despite my unwillingness to be close (I get that way when I'm depressed). But mainly, we sat there in quiet stillness, knowing nothing can cure the anxiety and possible brokenness in our hearts.

Bittersweet Injection

Aaron just injected me with my nightly 1cc dose of Progesterone.

Even though I loathe these injections, this one was bittersweet. It could be my last one.

If we find out tomorrow that IVF didn't work, I will be told to stop taking my daily dosage of Estrace and stop with my PIO injections.

If we find out we are pregnant(!!!), I continue the PIO injections for another few weeks.

Hey! I'd do injections every night for nine full months if it meant a healthy pregnancy and baby.

On another note, shortly after I wrote my previous depressing blog post, I went to the bathroom. Exciting stuff, huh? And guess what I saw.

Blood. :(

I immediately freaked out (quietly, to myself), but found that only the small nickel-sized spot of blood was all there was. It was bright red and could not be missed. I thought for sure it was the beginning of my period, but usually my periods don't start out like that. At all.

But, then again, I've never started my period while taking PIO injections.

The spot was scant, not heavy and nothing I've seen before in any of my previous natural cycles. So...could this be good?

I consulted Dr. Google to see what he had to say on spotting (if you an even call it that when it's just one spot) at 8dp5dt and it seems to be a "normal" symptom for women going through a medicated IVF cycle.

Oh, gosh, this just adds to the anxiety I'm already experiencing.

Please, God, help me get through tonight and tomorrow. Help me find peace as Your plan for this IVF cycle is revealed to me. Amen.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Either that, or the storm of infertility will continue to linger over me and I'll look something like this...

All day today I've had dull period-like cramps. These are the exact cramps I feel the day before I start my period. And, guess what! Tomorrow would be the day my period is due.

I'm completely discouraged. My heart is sinking. I had numerous meltdowns at work. All I feel like doing is crying.

Because, I know.

I know IVF didn't work. I know my period is wanting to come, but the PIO injections are stopping it from showing up. I know my body and my body is screaming at me, "You're not pregnant!"

My cramps are shooting down my legs, exactly as they do right before I start my period.

I'm still a little nauseas and the headaches I'm experiencing are awful, but both of those symptoms clearly are from the PIO injections.

I want to take a pregnancy test, to brace myself for the huge fall tomorrow, but Aaron is strongly discouraging it. He's still holding onto the hope that I am pregnant and that tomorrow will be one of the best days of our lives.

So, there you have it. Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It's going to be a long day.

Starting to Think This Might've Worked

I so wish the egg retrieval wasn't postponed that extra day. I'd be finding out if I'm pregnant TOMORROW. But instead, I'm only 7dp5dt, and my Beta pregnancy test isn't scheduled until Friday.

I have to tell you, despite the agonizing circle of emotions this wait has put me through, the "two week wait" (well, technically, 9 days since transfer day) has flown by. I thought time would stand still. And even though each day seemingly dragged on and on, the days combined flew into each other.

I think most of it is due to my in-laws visiting. They arrived Saturday (3dp5dt) and just left today. Time always passes faster when routine is interrupted and some fun is brought into the picture. (Not to say my life isn't fun, but you know what I mean!).

As for how I'm feeling...that's hard to answer.

The ups and downs I'm going through is serious business. Literally, my mood can change in the blink of an eye! I can be so filled with hope and positive vibes one minute, and down in the dumps, ready to call it quits the next.

My bum is so sore from the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections. I'm alternating the nightly stabs from left cheek to right cheek, but when the allowed area for Aaron to inject me is so small, it feels each shot is given at the same exact spot. The pain of each shot just adds to the already swollen and bruised area. Ever gotten a shot on a deep bruise? Yeah, not so fun! The shots didn't start out so bad, but with each passing night, it gets worse and worse, because I'm stabbing an area that needs to be left alone to heal, instead of brought more pain. I have big welts that seriously feel like oversized golf balls under my skin. Gross!

My cramps have subsided some, with my worst cramps being from 2dp5dt to 5dp5dt (when the little guy(s) implanted and burrowed deeper into my uterine lining...hopefully). Yesterday and today, the cramps are minimal. They are just annoying cramps that when I think about, I feel, but when I'm busy, I don't feel. Ah, the power of the mind!

As far as other symptoms...

1.  I'm dirt tired. Like, going to bed at 7:30 with my 4-year old tired. I've been getting a lot of sleep, but yet, come mid-afternoon, I'm still ready to crash.

However...I could just be tired from all the hormones and emotions messing with me.

2.  Late yesterday afternoon through right now, I've had a headache. Extra Strength Tylenol does aboslutely nothing for my pain, so I'm just hydrating myself in hopes that it'll help, but nope. I've heard that headaches are sometimes a symptom of early pregnancy.

However...the headache could be a side effect from the hormone medication I'm on. Or, Aaron thinks the headache might be from caffeine withdrawls, since I'm used to a cup of coffee a day and haven't had any since last Wednesday (transfer day). I would think if there were any withdrawals, I would've felt them earlier. I don't know. I've never gone without coffee before! LOL!

3.  My boobs are now getting sore. They haven't been this whole time, which I thought was weird, considering the Estrace (estrogen) tablets and PIO shots should cause some discomfort, but nada...until yesterday. Although only mild, they have now reached a point of noticeable discomfort.
 
However...my boobs always get sore right before I start my period.

4.  Metal taste in my mouth. I've heard women having this sympton in early pregnancy, but never thought anything of it. Beginning yesterday morning, though, I've noticed a metallic taste in my mouth. All the water I've been drinking has a bitter metal taste to it. I don't know how else to describe it other than sticking a nickel in my mouth, sucking on it for a little while, and then having that aftertaste in my mouth.

However...this unexplained taste could be from the PIO injections. Every time Aaron gives me the shot, I can taste it. Seriously! And it's disgusting!

5.  And, last but not least, naueasu has kicked in. Yesterday morning while at work, I noticed I was feeling faint nausea. I texted Aaron and told him, and his response was a quick, "Well, duh, you're pregnant!" :) I felt it throughout the day yesterday, especially near dinner time again, and when I got to work this morning, the feeling resurfaced.

However...the metal taste in my mouth can be making me feel nauseaus.

Quiz:

What can be causing most, if not all, the symptoms described above?

(a) Pregnancy
(b) Period
(c) Hormones/medication/injections
(d) All of the above.

If you answered (d), you are correct.

As Will Ferrell in Anchorman puts it best, "I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

Emotional like Whoa!

Hormones...check!

Drugs messing with my hormones...check!

Estrogene and progesterone levels all over the place...check!

Possibly pregnant...check!

Possibly PMS-ing...check!

Going crazy analyzing every symptom I'm experiencing...check!

The thought of $15,000 of debt without anything to show for it looming over my head...check!

It's no wonder I'm so emotional. I'm keeping it together while my in-laws visit, though. Laughing and enjoying each other's company. But, I didn't realize how much I was keeping in, how well I was keeping it together until I got to work and saw my mom (yes, I work with my mom). I went straight into my office with just a quick "Good morning," but after some time passed, she came in to check on me.

All she had to do was say, "How are you?" and I started balling! I couldn't even look at her because I knew that would make me cry harder. She just patted my shoulders, brushed my hair with her fingers and listened to me sob.

I'm a mess.

Aaron's a mess, although able to keep himself more composed.

Ella, thankfully, has not picked up on her "messy" parents, but during lunch yesterday, she did ask for us to all hold hands, Grandma and Grandpa included, and pray. So, once we were all holding hands, she said, "God." (Long pause). "Please help us."

We all couldn't help but laugh. :)

But then she added some perspective to her prayer.

"Thank you for Daddy. Thank you for Mommy. Thank you for Grandpa. Thank you for Grandma."

Crazy how a little 4-year old, without a care in the world, can bring so much perspective to a table filled with infertility and cancer.

Yes, Ella, at the end of the day, we need to remain thankful for what we have...each other.

But, hey, a good cry...or two...or three...never hurt anybody. Aaron jokingly suggested Dan (my father-in-law battling cancer) and I should find a corner and just cry together. So much weight is on each of our shoulders. So many hormones messing with us. The only difference is, though, I'd be crying because I feel powerless to creating life.

He would be crying because he feels powerless to cancer and the hold it has on his life.

Again...perspective.

I Need Reassurance

I know I'm only 3dp5dt, and I realize cramping is to be expected, even spotting, but gosh...I need reassurance, people!

I'm cramping, which basically feels like mild period cramps...all the time. Nothing that stops me in my tracks, but definitely a dull discomfort down there, on top of the bloating. The mild cramping is there, always, and it constantly has me thinking what is going on down there?

Also, an hour or so ago, I was spotting. Or, I guess I should say, I spotted...once. When I wiped, the discharge was brown/orange in color. And that was it. Nothing more. One time. Could that be spotting from implantation?

I guess I'm just scared because every other time I've had cramps like this and spotting like that, it has resulted in my period. Every time!

Now, I know my body is going through crazy post-IVF changes and I'm still doing the Progesterone shot and taking 2 Estrace tablets every day, so that in itself can mess with things. And, if I'm pregnant, my body is going through even more changes.

These feelings are just too familiar that my mind automatically veers for the worse.

Any reassuring stories out there? Any advice? I'd love anything at this point! :)

What Our Embryos Are Up To

I know I am curious, but in case you all are too, here is a timeline of what Champ and Embry are up to this next week.

12/15 - 0dpt (dpt stands for days past transfer) - Embryo is now a blastocyst.
12/16 - 1dpt - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day. (If you remember, Champ was already starting to hatch out of his shell, so this could've happened the day of the transfer for "him").
12/17 - 2dpt - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining.
12/18 - 3dpt - Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining.
12/19 - 4dpt - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining.
12/20 - 5dpt - Morula (the embryos) is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells and fetal cells.
12/21 - 6dpt - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood.
12/22 - 7dpt - More HCG is produced as fetus develops.
12/23 - 8dpt - More HCG is produced as fetus develops.
12/24 - 9dpt - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on home pregnancy test.

I know I might be reading too much into things, but last night, while relaxing on the couch with Aaron, I suddenly felt really sharp pains on my right side. It was very focal and very sharp. It lasted for about 5 minutes, and I even told Aaron that it was weird. And he's like, "Are you implanting?" (By the way, it's so great, but also so funny, hearing my husband talk about things like that. For example, on the drive home from the egg transfer, he said, "It's so good that your uterine lining was so thick." Oh my! LOL!!!).

Okay, back to last night. The pain stopped, but then when I stood up a short while later, it was so sharp that I had to hunch over and it lasted for only a few seconds that time, but still very weird. It stopped me in my tracks.

I'm not suggesting one of the guys implanted last night, but I'm going to hold onto the hope that the pain I felt was, in fact, one of our kids burrowing himself/herself into my uterine lining. Since Champ was already hatching out of his shell the day of the transfer, there's a good chance that implantation happened a little earlier for him, right? Well, that's my logic and I'm sticking to it. :)

Other than that, I'm still feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I think I still have a lot of fluid in my ovaries from the egg retrieval. My stomach constantly feels expelled, like I'm filled with a bunch of hot air (which I probably am!). I've been wearing sweats everyday. Hey, I want to be as comfortable as I can right now. I just hope this fluid build-up, or whatever it is, subsides.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! :)

We Have Frosties!

Despite having so many embryos, only 3 of the 6-day blastocysts were good enough quality to freeze. If IVF doesn't work, Aaron and I would then pursue a frozen embryo transfer (FET), but only the really good embryos can make it through the thawing process.

The quality of our frozen babies are:

• 5AA (jackpot!)
• 5BB-
• 2AB

I'm a little disappointed that more were not frozen, but this IVF cycle will work. I have to remain positive. :)

As for how I'm feeling, I'm just relaxing at home. Aaron's at work, my dad came over early and got Ella ready for school and dropped her off, and then he'll be picking her up and bringing her home with Christmas movies for us to enjoy this afternoon until Aaron gets home and can hang out with her. :)

It's hard being on bed rest because I feel like I'm so incapable and constantly asking for things. Dr. Weckstein said the only times he wants me to get up is when I have to go to the bathroom. I'm glad to be able to rest, though, because I'm feeling so bloated and uncomfortable, which I've been told is normal post egg transfer. On top of that, the egg retrieval has still left my ovaries very sore and tender, which is also to be expected and they might be that way for a while longer.

So, I plan on resting for the remainder of the day, sending positive vibes to my uterus, and eating lots of pineapple. My acupuncturist told me, and I've read a lot on-line, that pineapple can help with implantation. Hey, whatever helps, right? And even if it doesn't help, at least it's healthy. :)