The Kids' Dedication

Tristan and Ella were dedicated at church this past Sunday.

This is the slide that was displayed on the big screens during their dedication.

For those of you unfamiliar with what a dedication is, here is the pledge that Aaron and I commit ourselves to...

As your parent, Ella / Tristan, I make a pledge to you today that spiritual growth and development are the top priorities of my life. Nothing matters to me as much as seeing you grow up into a fully developed follower of Jesus Christ, loving and serving Him every day of your life.

I make a pledge to you today to walk with you on the Way that He has set before us until the day comes when you choose to walk that Way on your own, knowing that full devotion to Him is normal for believers.

I pledge to teach you what I know to be His truth and to share with you my own relationship with our Heavenly Father. My prayer and hope are that you might always sense His presence and know without a shadow of doubt that you are loved eternally and without measure by the Lord God Almighty.

I pledge to intercede before the Lord on your behalf frequently and with all my heart that you might come to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and Lord and to know Him as your Friend forever.

You are my beloved child, Ella / Tristan, and my greatest desire is to live in Heaven with you and our Lord Jesus Christ for all eternity.

I'm so committed to raising my kids in a Christian home as I strive to be a reflection of God's love. I know I will fail time and time again. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and even my love for Ella and Tristan is not perfect. But, I hope to instill in my little ones that the only perfect love is from their Heavenly Father, and my wish is that they will grow secure and confident in this love.

"F" the New Year

No, I'm not referring to the "F Bomb." If you know me, you know that word never leaves my mouth.

But, what I'm referring to are the personal goals I'm committing myself to with the coming of 2012.

It goes without saying that 2011 was a wonderful year for my family and me. The year started out with sadness and despair, but also a sense of hope. (If you click on that link, you will see that I wrote, "2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!" And, boy, was I right!).

Going into 2011, I resolved to let go and let God and redirect my mind. I went into the New Year without knowing when we would move forward with our frozen embryo transfer (FET), or if we even would (due to finances)! I went into the New Year not knowing that our FET would result in a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby boy. I went into the New Year with so many questions unanswered and so much pain, but I am coming out of it with all my questions answered and a healed heart and soul. I now understand why God insisted I waited so long for my son. I know why I went through a failed IVF cycle. Tristan is the answer!!! If I had gotten pregnant any other time, Tristan would not be my son. He is the little man God intended for this family all along. I just needed to have more faith in God's beautiful plan for this family...for my son.

But, now, going into 2012, my resolutions will not revolve around conceiving my second child. Instead, they will revolve around making me a better me!

I resolve to work on:

Family... Time management is so key in life, and especially when it comes to my family. Now, with Tristan here, I clearly see that I need to manage my time better to allow for more time with my family and more "me time" (so I can keep my sanity!).

Faith... My faith always has room for growing. Even though it has grown so much the past few years, I feel like it can grow even more. Infinitely more. Other than attending church, I plan on committing to some sort of devotional that challenges me. I already read Proverbs 31's daily devotions, but I'd like to get some spiritual enlightenment from recreational reading and other devotions. I gain so much through these types of things!

Fitness... Fitness has pretty much left my vocabulary the past few years. While trying to conceive, going through infertility treatment and then being pregnant, I stopped exercising. I feel "flabby, fat and lazy" (know what Disney movie that line is from?), and now that I am pretty much fully healed from my c-section, I am finally going to get my exercising "mojo" back.

Food... Along those same lines, I'm going to commit to eating healthier. I have joined WeightWatchers to help keep me on track. Two words...portion control! I'm not going to give up a trip to In-n-Out every now and again or some frozen yogurt with Reese's on top, but I am going to portion control. Infertility took my body and had its way with it, and I'm going to take control of it and return it to what it used to be.

Happy New Years, everybody! May 2012 bless each and every one of you. :)

Motherhood is a Special Task

QUESTION:

More than anything in the world I want to be a good mom to my kids. How can I be the mom God wants me to be?

ANSWER FROM MAX LUCADO:

The virgin birth is more, much more, than a Christmas story. It is a picture of how close Christ will come to you, a mom, as you also bring a child into the world.

Imagine yourself in that story found in Luke 1.

God comes to you and says, “I have a special task for you. A child. A special child that I want to entrust to you. Are you willing to raise this one?”

You stammer, take a breath. “This sounds scary.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be there with you. This child is special to me. He will be a great child.”

You shake your head. “Such an awesome responsibility. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Nothing is impossible with me.”

You smile. “I am your servant. I’ll do it.”

Do we think only one child received God’s special attention? Sure, only one was his Son, and an angel sent out those special birth announcements, accompanied by an angelic choir singing “Happy Birthday.” Of course God pulled out all the stops for Jesus’ birth.

But children aren’t randomly born to parents. God orchestrates the right children to be born to the right parents.

Being the mom God wants you to be starts with the understanding of how important your job is in God’s eyes. He entrusts you with one of his own children. He chose you out of all the moms in the world for this one child.

Remember, you, too, are highly favored by God himself to receive such a special gift.

How A Woman Thinks is Often How She Lives

How often does your own self-doubt, anxiety or overall fear stop you from living out the life you want? How often do you feel a dream could be more than a dream, but you sell yourself short from living it out because of your own insecurities? How often do your self-condemning thoughts get in your way of reaching your fullest potential?

I know that I am my worst enemy.

I know that I am capable of more than what I allow myself to achieve.

I know that I struggle with confidence, anxiety, fear. What woman doesn't? "I can't do that" is spoken far too often in my mind, which stops me from even trying.

And, sure, trying can eventually lead to failing. But! It can also lead to succeeding! Rather than living in shadows of self-doubt, I should force myself to break through and try!

My thoughts should not own me. I should own my thoughts. Whenever my mind circles round to sour thoughts, I need to re-focus, re-group and try, try again.

How I think is how I am going to live.

And, guess what? I can honestly tell you that my thoughts are starting to shift to a better place. I am starting to park my mind on the truth that I am strong. I am worthy. I am valuable.

I know this pregnancy brought "Bobbi" back. I had gone through such a dark time during our years of trying to conceive, and this pregnancy brought light to where there was once darkness.

This pregnancy truly saved me, in more ways than just making my dreams come true. It cleared up so much in my life that needed clearing up. It centered God back into my life, and I will forever be grateful for that.

I have so much in my life to be grateful for, but thinking negatively about any of my blessings, even if unintentionally, is like a slap in God's face.

Living a life filled with self-doubt or fear is like telling God that even though He's given me everything I need, it's just not enough. I doubt my own ability, yet God promises He has given me the strength to do all things through Him. I fear things beyond my control, yet God has not once yielded control of my life.

You know that song with the lyrics, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone." I don't know who sings it nor do I know the rest of the song, but that one line digs through me. I feel uplifted. My thoughts are renewed. And with these renewed thoughts comes a renewed life.

I used to think so negatively. Undermining myself. Undermining God. Undermining my role as a woman, as a mom, and as a wife.

But, I am coming out of my shell. My confidence is re-growing. I am finding myself again. I am finding my purpose and my value.

Rather than telling myself, "I can't do that," I am learning to tell myself, "I can do it!" (or to at least try!). What a huge difference that makes.

And as I progress into this new frame of mind, I am able to see the scattered pieces of my life join together, right where they are supposed to be. God has big, big plans for my life, so why let my negative thoughts stop those plans from unfolding as they should?

My life used to be so different...not because it was, but because my thoughts made it so.

Changing my mindset has changed everything!

40 Days and 40 Nights

It rained for 40 days and 40 nights as God flooded the earth.

Jesus fasted and was tempted for 40 days in the wilderness.

I am beginning the final 40 days of my miracle pregnancy.

40 is an important number in the Bible, and today, it serves to be an important number for me, too!

My little guy will be here in 40 days!

At the end of the 40 days and nights of flooding, God displayed a rainbow, symbolizing his promise. His promise to never flood the world again.

At the end of Jesus' 40-day fast, God proved his faithfulness. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, God will not allow us to be tempted above our ability to resist. Or, in other words, God will not give us more than we can handle.

And, at the end of the following 40 days, on December 3rd, my son will be wrapped in my arms. My son will be living proof that with prayer, patience and perseverance, God shows himself to be faithful.

Having gone through 2-1/2 years of secondary infertility and feeling the complete hopelessness and despair that went along with it, I can now see that God truly did not give me more than I can handle. I survived, didn't I? And, God knew I'd be better for it! He knew what He was doing with my life.

With each passing month of not getting pregnant, I didn't think I could find the hope to continue trying...but I did.

I didn't think I could bounce back from our failed IVF cycle last December...but I did.

God does not break His promises. Just as he has not flooded this world again, so too has He kept His promise to never forsake us. Our own personal goals or distractions get in the way of His grand plan for each of our lives. But, if we allow for Him to take hold of the reigns and if we stop focusing on what is "wrong" in our lives, we may catch a glimpse of the beautiful truth that we serve a faithful God.

God has proved his faithfulness in my life time and time again.

And, in 40 days, I will once again see how faithful He truly is.

Even Though I Didn't Know, God Knew

While going through a file at work, I came across this sticky note.

I had to take a double glance! Whoa! There was a form in this file that had been due on December 9th, 2010.

Little did I know, months after writing this sticky note, that I'd become pregnant with my son and his due date would be December 9th, 2011.

Seeing this random sticky note made me think about how God not only has sticky notes of important dates in each of our lives, but entire, organized folders. For He is the crafter of all our important dates.

It was pure chance that I'd write a sticky note like that. A complete fluke that my due date would be exactly a year later from this form's due date, and that I would spell it out in such a way on a sticky note.

But, with God there is no chance!

He knew when I'd get pregnant, and He knew I would have a son, and He knew that his due date would be December 9th, 2011.

He knows because He created!

He is my creator, just as He is Tristan's creator.

It brings such comfort to rest my mind on the beautiful truth that even though I may not be in the know, God is. How December 9th, 2011 could've passed as any ordinary day in the future for me, but yet God already had planned how important that day would serve in my life.

And, even now, I still don't know what day Tristan will actually arrive, but God knows. He already has the exact second planned out that I will hear his first cry and give him his first kiss. Oh, mercy, God also knows how badly I wish that day was tomorrow!

From Praying to Praising

During our infertility, I sought God with all my heart. My relationship with Him strengthened, despite our unfortunate circumstance. I sought Him, I found Him, and now He is a more active part in my life. In my family's life. God knew what he was doing bringing infertility into our lives. We needed such a struggle to open our eyes to see how badly we needed Him.

I used to relentlessly pray and pray, looking for answers, trying to understand. I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed. I was desperate to hear the booming voice of peace and truth tell me that everything was going to be okay.

And, even though I truly believed that God was in control, I still couldn't wrap my mind around why He would not allow us to have another kid. Why would He would stop us from experiencing such joy?

Despite being pregnant now, my mind still wanders to those days and nights of uncontrollable tears. The depression. The sadness. The unknowing of what is to come.

Those emotions will never be erased from my memory. My struggles will never be forgotten. They molded me into the woman of God I am today, to the mom I am today, and to the wife I am today. Even though I would never care to admit it, my infertility did make me a better, stronger person.

Would I feel that way if my womb was still empty?

Probably not, because I'd still be battling with myself and God.

So, now, rather than praying and praying, I spend more time praising and praising. I am constantly giving thanks. I am constantly lifting my arms up in undeserving gratitude. I am smiling more. And, I am  finally seeing the bigger picture.

But, lately, what I'm having a hard time accepting is that even though I talk all this talk about my faith being stronger and feeling closer to God, my faith still so weak. Obviously my faith is not that strong since my happiness has proven to be circumstantial. Becoming pregnancy completely shifted my heart. I am so much happier now than I was while still trying to conceive. But, why did it take for me to "get my way" to find this happiness?

As a Christian, shouldn't I always be able to find this happiness? Shouldn't I happily accept the way my life unfolds, since it is God's provision? Shouldn't I be more trusting in His plan for my life, even if it means for things to not go my way? Shouldn't I willingly give up my plan for His plan?

I guess I'm just rambling and trying to work out these feelings. All I know is that I'm infinitely grateful for God's blessings in my life. He entrusted me with Ella and now a second child. Wow!

I am humbled. So very humbled.

Waiting Doesn't Stop with the 2 WW

Hands down, the two week wait is the worst. The time from when you might have conceived to the time of finding out if you did is an extremely long wait. I went through many, many of those waits. Believe me, they are the worst!

But, once you do conceive, once those two lines finally appear, the waiting does not end. I thought it would! But, boy, I could not have been more wrong.

You wait for beta results (if you went through infertility treatment, that is).

You wait for your first sonogram.

You wait for your second sonogram.

And, I am now in the process of waiting for my third sonogram.

I'll admit...I was completely spoiled being able to see Jelly Bean at six weeks and then again at seven weeks, but now I have to wait...

...until I'm 10-1/2 weeks.

Yes, you heard right. :(

My first appointment with my new OB-GYN is not until May 16th!!! I was so disappointed when the receptionist said that was the soonest I could get in. It seriously makes me want to call another OB-GYN to see if I could get in sooner, but this office has been favorably recommended by my RE and a couple who also went through IVF, so I'm planning on sticking out the wait.

It just makes me nervous to go that long without seeing my Jelly Bean.

Not knowing what's going on in there! Is he/she growing well? How's his/her heart beating?

Thankfully, my nausea is still in full force, which reminds me that my body is still telling itself that it's pregnant. My fatigue is also putting me to bed the same time as Ella every night. No joke.

But, naturally, I worry when I feel too much stretchy cramps, and then I worry when I feel too little stretchy cramps. I worry when my boobs hurt less one day over another.

However...worry is the opposite of having faith! So, I'm going to put all my faith in God to protect our baby. I pray he will continually bless this pregnancy. He has entrusted this family with this baby, giving us the utmost honor to bring another Johnson into the world, and it's unfair to God for me to worry so much. It's unfair for me to not put all my trust in God.

So, even though I'm going to endure a painfully long wait the next 2-1/2 weeks, I am not going to worry. I am going to keep one hand on my belly and the other lifted up to my God, thanking Him for my Jelly Bean. Because, even though I can't see how he/she is doing in there, God knows. Because, after all...

"[God] created my inmost being; [He] knit me together in my mother’s womb." (Psalm 139:13).

Blessings

This song brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Walking through infertility brings more questions than answers, more pain than joy, more tears than smiles.



But, what if it is those unanswered questions that are God's blessings on us?

What if the pain we are enduring is only because God knows the joy that is coming?

What if all our tears are not forsaken, but instead are blessings in disguise? Each tear that has glazed our cheeks has not been in vain.

God hears every spoken word, cried out in anger or humbly whispered, and even if His answer is not as we would hope, His blessing is still there. He knows what he's doing, even if we feel lost, confused and angry.

Our infertility is a blessing, whether we are able to see it now or not. The painful trials God places in our lives are not for no reason at all. There is a perfect reason behind our seemingly imperfect situations, and we just have to open our eyes to see the blessings.

And, even though I'm typing this as a now pregnant woman, my heart is still that of an infertile woman. All that time fighting the fight isn't forgotten the second two lines appear. Infertility changes a woman, and I am trying to be living proof that it can change a woman for the better.

I am blessed. I am so very blessed.

I was blessed even before I became pregnant.

Divine Intervention

As you all know, my uterine lining has been the "hot topic" of my posts lately. Such an entertaining topic, I know! LOL! :)

Yesterday's sonogram revealed a thicker uterine lining. My lowest measurement was 8.3mm and my highest was almost 9mm, so the sonographer confidently gave me an average 8.6mm, since most measurements were roughly that.

She was really happy with that measurement, but I could not reciprocate the enthusiasm. So, I met with my IVF nurse and explained my desire to remain on the Estradiol for a few days longer to make my lining thicker. After all, it grew 1.1mm in 3 days' time, so one could assume I'd have a solid mid-9mm measurement in another few days. I reiterated to her that Dr. Weckstein wanted it thicker than my 8.4mm measurement for my failed IVF cycle.

She explained to me that Dr. Weckstein is likely going to be satisfied with this measurement, and indeed she was right!

Later that day, she e-mailed me and said that Dr. Weckstein reviewed my sonogram results and said my lining is "good and adequate" for my FET. He called me later and said he feels very comfortable with the quality of my endometrium and that he would not push me to do something that he knew was not for the good of his patient.

The problem is...

I don't want just "good" and just "adequate." I want exceptional! I want a super fluffy, sticky thick uterine lining, giving my babies plenty of cushion to burrow into. My IVF nurse reassured me that they don't very often see a lining thicker than 8mm or 9mm at their office, and she stamped that statement with a huge, "Dr. Weckstein knows what he's doing." :)

But...

Dr. Weckstein told me that if I feel more comfortable allowing my uterine lining to thicken a little bit more, that he is okay with that. He left the decision up to Aaron and me (since my blood levels are not a concern). He doesn't think my lining will get that much thicker while remaining on the estrogen supplements, though.

However...

Dr. Weckstein is leaving for a 2-week vacation beginning next Friday (the 25th), which means if we delay my FET, another doctor will be performing the transfer. To me, that's huge! Dr. Weckstein has been the only doctor I've consulted with. He performed my egg retrieval, my embryo transfer...he's the one who closely monitors all my levels, and, most importantly, he knows my uterus!

That may sound silly, but that's very important, especially when placing such important cargo in there! :) My transfer wasn't super smooth, and, if you remember, he performed a uterine sounding at my follow-up appointment to determine the smoothest route to my uterus for my FET.

So, like I said, he has the inside scoop on my insides. And, really, I wouldn't feel comfortable with any other doctor performing the baby-making ritual.

My mom asked what my heart is telling me, and my original reaction was, "My heart is telling me this sucks," because, deep down, I really am not satisfied with either option. I'm not satisfied with the thickness of my uterine lining and I'm not satisfied with another doctor performing the FET.

My mom told me that's not the way to look at this, and she's right.

I shouldn't be trying to control this! Rather than focusing so much attention on my lining, I should be focusing on God. My darn lining is blinding me from where my true focus should really lie. On God!

I need to let go and let God!

And you know what? That is exactly what Aaron and I decided to do.

DIVINE INTERVENTION!!!


The timing of this cycle amazes me. Truly. The fact that my period started on time, resulting in my Estradiol tablets starting exactly two days after, which then determined when my sonogram would be scheduled to check my lining. And, with my first sonogram revealing too thin of a lining, another one needed to be scheduled a specific amount of time after, and with that sonogram then showing a "good and adequate lining for transfer," the FET is automatically scheduled for exactly one week later, which so happens to be the day before Dr. Weckstein leaves for his 2-week vacation.

You follow all of that? :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God, knowing my controlling, Type A personality, knew I would need His Divine Intervention to release this control I so unwillingly give up. By Dr. Weckstein being unavailable for two weeks beginning the day after my FET, I feel the tug at my heart, the necessary gentle push of God telling me to let it go.

Let it go that my uterine lining isn't the thickest on the block.

Let it go that my ego may be a little crushed, but that in turn should not reflect a crushed hope.

Let it go that even though my lining is roughly the same measurement as last time, God will bring us our baby(ies) if it is His will.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

My hope should not lie on my numbers. My hope needs to lie on my God.

So, with all that said, my FET is scheduled for this Thursday (the 24th)! I can't believe it! :)

Feeling Low, But Then...

I felt low today. I don't quite know why. Just an off day I guess.

But, then Aaron shared something very special with me - something one of his work colleagues, who is a constant support during our journey through infertility, said. She said to Aaron,

"God loves Bobbi more than she loves you and Ella combined."

Do I know this statement to be true? It's so hard to imagine such a grand love. It's hard to completely wrap my mind around. But, deep down, I do know it to be true.

God's love is perfect. God's love is true. God's heart is infinite, whereas mine is confined.

My love, although God-given, is imperfect. It comes from an imperfect heart thriving in an imperfect world.

But God's love is unconditionally pure and is the origination of all the good in this world.

And despite my IVF cycle failing, God still loves me.

And even if my upcoming FET is unsuccessful, God loves me more than I know.

His love for me is not defined by my infertility. His love for me is not defined by how many kids I have.

He loves me for me.

His love is perfect, through and through. He is, in fact, the definition of love.

And with how much I love Aaron and Ella, and knowing God loves me infinitely more than I love both of them combined...well...I can't help but feel uplifted after an unwarrantedly low day.

Lots of Bumps to My Baby Bump

I know someday I'll be pregnant. In my heart of hearts, I know that someday this journey will come to an end and my baby will no longer be a dream, but a tangible reality that I can cuddle, love on and devote myself to (other than my sweetheart, Ella, of course).

All the bumps I've experienced the past 2-1/2 years will lead to the ultimate bump. The bump I yearn for. My baby bump! :)

And even though each bump to this baby bump seems to get progressively harder to endure, I know that, in the end, everything will be fine. If it's not fine, then it's not the end!

Each bump, metaphorically, is like a mountain. Standing on top of a mountain allows me to see things I would not be able to see when in a comfortable, non-challenging, pain-free life. You see, even though infertility has brought us so much pain and doubt, it has also given us the opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to so much more than we could've imagined. The bumps along the road have allowed us to become better, stronger, unstoppable. Infertility is my own personal Mt. Everest, but imagine life's view from the earth's tallest point? Catch my drift?

Have any of you heard the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns?

The song starts off with the lyrics, "She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


I used to relate to those lyrics. I used to be that girl. The Bobbi 2-1/2 years ago is not the Bobbi today. The Bobbi today is stronger, and all of that strength has come from my relationship with God.

My faith is infinitely growing, and, in turn, Aaron and Ella's faith is growing too. God is a daily part of our lives now. We talk about Him, we pray together. He has become more of a focal point in our everyday going ons, and the more I focus on Him, the more peace I feel that He sees the bigger picture and that He will provide for our family. It's absolutely amazing how God has transformed our lives through this thing called infertility.

The song ends with the lyrics, "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."


God was chasing me (and still is!). So long as I live in a broken world, He will always need to chase me. But, now I am more open to hearing His calling and living a life pleasing to Him. I can honestly say if Aaron and I conceived our second child as easily as we did Ella, our relationship with God would not be as strong as it is today. God knew infertility would be a necessary means to achieving this relationship.

That doesn't mean I have wholeheartedly accepted our situation, though. I still have moments of hopelessness and even anger, but each bump along our journey has made me stronger than every yesterday. In hindsight, each bump has blessed us, not hindered us. Even though going through a failed IVF cycle has been one of the lowest points in my life, I know I serve a faithful God, and He is and will continually use the relentless beating down of infertility to transform our lives for the better.

Infertility is so, so hard. No woman should be withheld from being a mom that so desperately wants to be one. But, I think a woman that becomes a mom, after having gone through years of infertility, has something special. Something that fertile women don't have. It's this underlying beauty. Just as a near death experience may awaken somebody to see life's true beauty, infertility has awakened me to see motherhood's true beauty. My baby will bring me to my knees in the deepest, most awesome appreciation ever. My entire soul will scream with delight. My heart will seriously burst with so much love that it will hurt. Infertility has opened me up to such depths.

So, I guess all that I have left to say is...

I CAN'T WAIT! :)

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have [more] children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."


(Anonymous).

Worthy of Reposting

Written by an unknown author, I feel this story is worthy of reposting (originally posted on August 2, 2010). If you are struggling with infertility, soak in the truth in this excerpt. The message is beautiful, and even though I'm already a mom, secondary infertility has brought a whole new level of appreciation for Ella and motherhood.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

When God Writes Your Mom Story

Have you heard of the book, When God Writes Your Love Story?

This book touches on the idea that a person's identity cannot be all wrapped up in a relationship, and that all too often too much energy is put into maintaining that relationship, even if it's unhealthy. (By the way, that statement pretty much sums of my college years, but lets save that topic for another day!). The book goes on to say that a person's identity must be in Jesus Christ and not in some relationship. The authors, after many dating and relationships disasters, learned to hand over the reins of their love lives to God and allow Him to write their love story.

And, even though I have my husband, and I believe God miraculously placed us in each other's paths (click HERE if you're interested in reading our love story), my life has now transitioned to a new story. My Mom Story. A story that began September 22, 2006 with the birth of our daughter and the story that is still being written by the Author of my life.

My Mom Story is still being written and, honestly, I have no idea what the ending will be. I don't know when I will be blessed with another child, or how! Will we have another miracle child? Will we conceive through our upcoming FET? Will we have to go through a whole other IVF cycle? Are we going to end up using a surrogate? Is God going to lay it in our hearts to consider adoption?

Those questions are constantly swirling and twirling inside my head, like an uncontrollable tornado, each go around bringing more velocity to the already consuming destruction.

Yes, I said destruction!

If I keep going at this pace, I'm seriously going to lose control of everything in my life!

My concerns and thoughts are not where they need to be. They need to be focused on God! My identity is not wrapped in Him. My identity is wrapped in Dr. Google and what "his" answers are to the above questions. I spend way too much time researching things that do not need to be researched. Things that I need to lift up to God in prayer. My identity is too invested in conceiving my second child that I'm losing myself.

I'm losing myself as Aaron's wife.

I'm losing myself as Ella's mommy.

But, most importantly, I'm losing my identity in Jesus Christ.

I can't have an open heart to what His calling is, when I'm more concerned about what Dr. Google (or even Dr. Weckstein or my family or my peers) has to say. Rather than quieting everything and everyone around me and being still with God, I sometimes choose to wallow in my self-pity with lots of "It's not fair!" and "Why me?" thoughts.

And, really, it's okay to grieve over what is going on. It's okay to have anger, sadness, confusion. Those are all natural emotions that a person would feel after trying to conceive for so long with no success. But, it is what I do with those emotions that really matters.

And, at the rate that I'm going (mainly since we found out our IVF cycle was unsuccessful last month), I'm going nowhere...and fast!

So, just as God faithfully brought Aaron into my life, and just as God faithfully brought us our miracle child, Ella, I am going to faithfully place my life and identity in His hands. Otherwise, not only will my life will spin out of control, but my identity will be placed on a role I am not yet playing (mom to a second child), rather than the identities I am currently blessed in undertaking.

I am Aaron's wife.

I am Ella's mom.

And, I am at God's disposal to unveil His personal best for my life.

It's As If God Knew

What did I see in Ella's cubby at school today? Her progress report, of course! And not only her progress report, but also an outline determining what skills and knowledge a kid needs in order to begin kindergarten successfully.

God, you heard our prayers! It is exactly the kind of information we were looking for to ease our decision-making. It is exactly what we need to know in Ella's development. God, You were listening and You clearly demonstrated that to us today.

The timing is unbelievably God and I feel unbelievably comforted.

As for Ella's progress report...Ella is developing normally in most areas, but needs further development in a handful of areas.

Ella is developing normally in the following categories:

• Social development (except, she needs further development in repsecting the property of others and in displaying self-control);
• Work/play habits;
• Small muscle;
• Large muscle (favors left, though, being left-handed like Daddy);
• Development in art;
• Development in music;
• Number development; and
• Language development.

Ella needs further development in the following categories:

• Personal development (mainly her phone number and address, but she even sometimes needs guidance in remembering her birthday, believe it or not!);
• Cognitive development (mainly recognizing letters of the alphabet and numbers, although she can recognize her own name (and letters in her name, like when we go to Lowe's, she points out the "E" and "L" on the big sign));
• Written development (mainly forming letters correctly (the letters in her name turn out right, but her way of writing them is funky) and working from left to right (her name is 9 times out of 10 written backwards)).

Photo courtesy of Google Image.

Mrs. Kathleen's comment at the end of the progress report said the following:

"Ella is doing well in so many areas. There are also areas to work on and with age and maturity those areas will develop. In her excitement she will get very loud and we work on that in class, and she gets upset at others easily - but she's kind, fun and helpful and that certainly outweights the other. She is a joy!"

Yes, our Ella Bella shows how she feels. When she's excited, YOU KNOW IT. And when she's not very happy, YOU KNOW IT. She is also pretty sensitive and wears her heart on her sleeve, so I can completely understand the comment about her getting upset at others easily. But, on the upside, she also very easily calms down, forgives (if need be) and moves on.

As for getting loud when excited. Yes, that's also very true. There's nothing wrong with showing excitement, but, of course, in a classroom environment, it's good to be respectful of and courteous to the teacher and follow students.

After reading the paperwork listing skills and knowledge that is expected of kids before entering kindergarten, I see that Ella really is ready. Naturally, there's a good chunk of things she hasn't yet mastered, but like Mrs. Kathleen wrote, "With age and maturity those areas will develop."

A part of me is so proud! So proud of my little girl for doing so well. She's such a bright, observant, opinionated, expressive, loving, free-spirited, mindful, inquisitive, attentive, amusing, creative, stubborn, sensitive, sympathetic and simply amazing girl! :)

But, then there's the other part of me...the part of me that wishes she wasn't so clearly independent. That she still depended on me for things she once did. That she didn't have such a crystal clear progress report indicating she's ready for kindergarten. That she needed that extra year of development before my worst nightmare coming true...of my little girl growing up and going to kindergarten with still only a dream of a sibling.

But, despite my mothering neediness, Aaron and I have made our decision of enrolling Ella in kindergarten next year and are at complete peace with it (which I never really thought would be possible). I wish she didn't have to grow up so quickly. I wish I could rewind time. But, growing up is what she is doing. And, unfortunately for me (sigh), she's very good at it.

I may not be there yet...

...but I'm closer than I was yesterday!

With the beginning of this New Year, I'm learning to live in the now, to take each day as it comes. Because, after all, each day does bring me closer to our baby.

Today was Ella's first day in her new ballet/tap class. She had a wonderful time and seeing her excitement brings so much happiness to our heavy hearts.

Our hearts are not only heavy from our unsuccessful IVF cycle, but also from the battle Aaron's dad is fighting against cancer. One day can be filled with hope and good news, but the next can be filled with worry and fear. It's a horrible roller coaster ride for all involved, but especially for my parents-in-law.

All we can do is pray and hope, and continue praising God in the storms of our lives.

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you" (Casting Crows - Praise You in this Storm).

At times, I feel like I'm constantly saying "Amen," constantly praying to God. I thought for sure by now that He would've wiped my tears away. That He would've brought us our baby. That He would've erased all cancer from my father-in-law's body.

And even though He hasn't answered my prayers, I will continue to praise Him in this storm, holding onto the faith that there will soon be a beautiful horizon.

And, until He does show me this beautiful horizon, I will take each day one day at a time, prayerfully and faithfully.

And, on that note, I will leave you with a couple pictures of our handsome pug, Bob. He's such a good boy!

I can't help but love that face. :)

Good Bye, 2010! Nice Knowing Ya!

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days now. I'm still learning to cope with life after a failed IVF cycle and have, in turn, been in a writing slump (well, really a life slump, which is then reflected in my lack of blog posts).

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments, but I'm entitled to those moments. I'm very glad for our unsuccessful IVF to come at the end of 2010. This year has been rough and the negative results coming last week reemphasizes how much disappointment this year has brought us, and puts a big fat period (literally!) at the end.

But, now that 2010 is officially done, Aaron and I are forced (in a good way) to look to the future, rather than dwell on the past. 2010 is over. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears are "so last year," and we are now living in the here and now. In 2011.

So, with the half glass full, I'm keeping my head high and my faith higher. 2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!

If you are new to following our journey, feel free to click HERE for a timeline of what we did this past year in hopes of conceiving our second child. You'll be able to see it's been quite the year.

Bittersweet Injection

Aaron just injected me with my nightly 1cc dose of Progesterone.

Even though I loathe these injections, this one was bittersweet. It could be my last one.

If we find out tomorrow that IVF didn't work, I will be told to stop taking my daily dosage of Estrace and stop with my PIO injections.

If we find out we are pregnant(!!!), I continue the PIO injections for another few weeks.

Hey! I'd do injections every night for nine full months if it meant a healthy pregnancy and baby.

On another note, shortly after I wrote my previous depressing blog post, I went to the bathroom. Exciting stuff, huh? And guess what I saw.

Blood. :(

I immediately freaked out (quietly, to myself), but found that only the small nickel-sized spot of blood was all there was. It was bright red and could not be missed. I thought for sure it was the beginning of my period, but usually my periods don't start out like that. At all.

But, then again, I've never started my period while taking PIO injections.

The spot was scant, not heavy and nothing I've seen before in any of my previous natural cycles. So...could this be good?

I consulted Dr. Google to see what he had to say on spotting (if you an even call it that when it's just one spot) at 8dp5dt and it seems to be a "normal" symptom for women going through a medicated IVF cycle.

Oh, gosh, this just adds to the anxiety I'm already experiencing.

Please, God, help me get through tonight and tomorrow. Help me find peace as Your plan for this IVF cycle is revealed to me. Amen.

Perspective v. Comparison

Lately I've been feeling this strong urge to write about comparison and perspective in my life.

I have always had comparison issues.

Growing up, I compared myself to my sister. I would interpret my less social personality as a fault compared to my sister's over-the-top, fearless nature of participating in and excelling in everything.

In high school, I compared my grades with those of my classmates, always wanting to excel not necessarily for myself, but to prove to others and my parents how smart I could be.

In college, I compared my body to those of the tan, plastic Barbie bodies found only in San Diego.

As a married woman, I now compare my home to other married couple's homes. I compare my relationship with Aaron to the relationships other married couples share.

As a mom, I compare my little family to the growing families of other young married couples. I look at how "together" some moms have it or how lucky some are to have 2, 3 or even 4 children, when I feel I am far from perfect as Ella's mom, and I can't even conceive a second baby!

As a Christian, I compare my faith to other's. I feel my faith is so weak and easily turned away compared to the steadfast, sturdy, unfailing faith of others. I try to live a life pleasing to God, in ways that come so easily to others, but I seem to fail time and time again.

However, perspective is different than comparison.

When comparing, I focus on what I don't have. And I see what I do have in a negative, ungrateful light. I look at what other people have, instead of being indifferent to what others have and focusing on what I have right in front of me.

In my opinion, perspective is a view of something, without a comparative nature. Someone's perspective is his or her outlook on something, without regarding outside factors to determine that outlook. For example, a color can be blue, but when next to a darker blue, by comparison, that blue now becomes a lighter blue.

My perspective on my life, without any comparison, is really, really good. I have a wonderful life!

I have a husband who loves and adores me, who will fight for me, lead me and carry me through good and bad times.

I have the most precious daughter, who literally is my beating heart walking outside my body

I have a great job that provides me with the flexible hours and experience that I need.

I have my health.

I have wonderful family that value and appreciate me.

I am a proud homeowner of a beautiful home.

And, I have my faith, no matter how big or small, it is my faith. I have a relationship with God unique to me.

Because, you see, I am lacking nothing. God has blessed me immeasurably more than I could've ever imagined or ever deserved, but yet I still want more. What is wrong with me???

I have to stop looking resentfully at others because that means I'm falling into the all too familiar zone of comparing. I need to step out of this zone, take a deep breath, and maintain a strong perspective of my beautiful life.

Because, really, I have a beautiful life.