God is Speaking to Me Through Others

Please note in advance, this is a pretty lengthy blog post. Bear with me as I have a lot to say today.

Yesterday, from the outside, looked to be an uneventful, ordinary day. Worked my usual 8:00 to 1:00, came home and spent time with Aaron and Ella before heading to a doctor's appointment. Then we all ran some errands, ate dinner, and before I knew it, it was time to hit the hay. But despite the mundane appearance of yesterday, the little things made it a very memorable day.  From the inside, God was working overtime on my heart...through others.

God was speaking to me through people.

Firstly, I received an e-mail from my Aunt Diane, lending me some words of encouragement and advice as I continue with my infertility. She enthusiastically told me about her experiences on how powerful the mind is over the body. That if you make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking, that the body will follow the mind's lead. This explains why people who are stressed feel tension in their shoulders, gain weight...you know the list. There was a lot of truth to what she said.

My mind is sometimes my biggest obstacle in life! I tell myself I can't do something and, sure enough, I make my mind prove to myself and my body that I can't do it. I am my own worst enemy. Losing weight falls into this category. I want to lose weight, but I tell myself that I can't. So, my mind limits the potential achievements of my body.

She said, "If we want something to happen...just make it so in your mind, whether you believe it or not at this point...make it REAL in your mind." She suggests I try to envision myself pregnant. Even though it is not a reality, my mind controls my body. And even though getting pregnant isn't something I can control, I can control my mind! Perhaps pouring that positive energy through my mind into my body can help. Hey, I'm willing to try anything at this point!

Secondly, Aaron came home from work with encouraging words from the nurse at his school, who has become a respected friend to Aaron over the past year. She is a survivor of breast cancer. She knows what it is to hit rock bottom and bounce back up to heights that she had never been reached before. She had the analogy of life being like a river. Clear, crisp, flowy. But, all rivers have those murky areas. The areas where the fungus and bacteria collect and the water stagnantly sits, swirling in circles. There is no flow, there is no life. It just sits. I believe I am in this murky area, going round and round. The beauty of life has come to a halt as I sit in this area of nastiness, allowing negative thoughts about the lack of pregnancy to settle into my soul, unintentionally and uninvited, but there nonetheless. I have to release myself from those negative thoughts.

Amazingly, Aaron divulged what Sandy said soon after I received that e-mail from Aunt Diane. Both speaking about the power of the mind. Coincidence? No. It's God trying to tell me something. Trying to change me!

Thirdly, I had my first appointment with my physical therapist for my lower back pain. It went really well. I was there for two hours and learned so much about where this chronic pain stems from, some stretches and exercises to gradually strengthen my back and, basically, an overall sense of how to better take care of myself. Based on my symptoms and what he saw, my physical therapist believes that after my lower back muscles loosened from my pregnancy with Ella, they never fully regained their strength. So, the muscle between my bottom four vertebrae is weak, causing there to be friction between the vertebrae and shooting out pain through my nerve endings. With a sedentary job as a paralegal, there is a lot of pressure on my lower back. And, with having constantly picked up a growing child the past three years, my back has never truly had a chance to heal. I have a huge lump of inflamed soft tissue to show for it!

Because of my health and age, my physical therapist is hopeful the natural approach of physical therapy will do the trick, rather than having to resort to surgery, injections or medication. If I stick to my exercise regiment, my back should get better with time. Just in time to *knock on wood* get pregnant again and consequently experience more back pain again! But hey, I'll take any amount of pain for a healthy second child!

Seeing a physical therapist and soaking in his knowledge on how to listen to my body and the proper approaches to strengthen my body left me feeling enlightened and strong. I now see that in order to care for my family, I have to first take care of myself. What good would I be as a mom if I can't run around with my children.

So, just as I am going to try and take control of my mind better, I am also going to take control of my body. Become aware of what is good and not good for it, listen to it. The knowledge and insight I gain as I do this will then transfer onto a healthier pregnancy (again, *knock on wood*).

Through all of these experiences yesterday, I heard God's quiet voice in the loudness of my life telling me to take it easy - to ease my mind, ease my body, ease my spirit.

Finally Broke 100 Degrees

Church was good this morning. Ella insisted on going to "Mommy and Daddy's church," rather than "her church" (a.k.a. Sunday School), so we let her join us. She enjoys the worship time, but come time for the message, her 3-year-old-ness kicks in. It was distracting, to say the least, so hopefully next week she'll be okay with going back to "her church."

With it being 100+ degrees today, going outside was not something we wanted to do. So, what better way to spend the day than in a huge air-conditioned store! My parents watched Ella while Aaron and I did some much-needed clothes shopping. We bought an accumulated 5 pairs of shorts, 14 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes (for Ella). Sounds like a lot, but with the amount we spent, you wouldn't have guessed we walked out the store with that much. Gotta love the sales!

When we got home, it was late enough in the afternoon that our pool was covered in the shade provided by our orange tree. So, in we went!

Bob jumped in a few times. He literally flew in the air, dove right in and completely submerged himself. But of course, once we got the camera, he stopped. We tried to get him to jump in by enticing him with his favorite toy, but no such luck.

Poor guy. He tried so hard to get his toy without falling in. Don't worry, we eventually let him have his toy back. We're not that mean.

Watching us play while somehow balancing on the inflated ring.

Ella mimicking Bob's panting.

Pre-wet, slobbering kiss from Bob.

Ella brought in the flower hat we got her when we saw Disney on Ice a few months ago.

Yup, definitely our lovable, loony daughter!

Smothering her with kisses.

We were laughing so hard in this picture. I have so much fun with Ella.

And, of course, Aaron makes his own fun. Haha! "Diving" into the pool, while Ella braces herself on the side.

I don't know if Ella loves being thrown around more or if Aaron loves throwing Ella around more. Either way, it's so much fun to watch!

Look at how high he threw her!

Giggle, giggle.

Aaron wanting to show off his strength and Ella being a willing contestant.

Forecast for tomorrow is another 100-degree day. I'm sure we'll manage to have some more fun in the sun!

The Power of Now

Aaron's calendar at work had a wonderful quote by the infamous Robert Pirsig. It reads, "The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there." Isn't that so true? Zen means "meditation" or "meditative state." It is through Zen that enlightenment is supposedly attained. I've never been one to meditate. Clearing my head and simplifying my thoughts of all outside distractions is near impossible for a girl like me. My mind is always racing, always thinking. Sometimes, when Aaron and I get into bed, I unknowingly put my hand on my forehead, which Aaron has learned means that I'm thinking. It is with my thoughts that I fall asleep at night. And it is my thoughts that keep me company all day long. Being a chronological thinker is a good thing, I think (no pun intended!), but it sometimes creates a sense of worry within me. Living with worry is the opposite of living with faith. And living with worry also shows that I'm living in anticipation of what tomorrow will bring, rather than in the present. I sometimes find I'm more concerned about what tomorrow will bring rather than soaking in the beauty of what I'm experiencing today. I'm reading a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle that is insightfully bringing all of this to light for me.

To me, the above quote by Robert Pirsig means that the most amazing tool we all have is that of our attitude! If you hike up to Mt. Everest only to focus on how cold, tired, hungry you are, then the awe-inspiring beauty of being on top of the world would be fogged over by your attitude. But, if you make it to the top and recognize the accomplishment, despite how exhausted or cold you may feel, and make it a point to absorb the beauty and feel the joy in reaching such great heights, then your attitude is allowing you to breathe in all the beauty of that moment. Attitude can ruin even the most magical moment, but it can also make the hardest moments that much better.

To put it bluntly, my attitude sucks sometimes. I get in this funk where my thoughts wander to everything I don't have, rather than focusing on what I do have. Being thankful truly changes everything! Living in this state of the grass being greener on the other side stops me from seeing the truth. Lysa Terkerst of Proverbs 31 Ministries wrote, "The grass is always greener where you water and fertilize it. And being thankful…really intentionally listing out things for which we are thankful…is a great way to start watering and fertilizing and changing everything." I have my watering can and I'm ready, God. Fertile-lize me! (I couldn't help myself! Haha!).

The Master Bedroom Transformation

I have "before" pictures on the other computer, but I figured I'd just share the "after" pictures for now. To paint a picture of what our master bedroom looked like when we first moved in...there was a smoke-infested, foul-odored old carpet that I couldn't even walk barefoot on. The walls were a light mint green, but with the tar from the smoke of the previous residents (who literally smoked and drank their lives away, or so all the neighbors tell us) pasted to the walls, the color was more a puke yellowish brown. The light fixture was extremely dirty and outdated. The window was adorned with 1970s curtains that put the carpet to shame. These curtains must have never been washed because even touching them let off clouds of dust and ash (seriously!). All doors and walls required multiple cleanings and I think just recently we finally got rid of the rusty smoke smell. That is one hard to get rid of smell!

Update: I posted some "before" shots of our master bedroom. Click HERE if you want to see them.

Our bedroom now is a completely different story, though, and we couldn't be happier with the end result (after 3+ years of gradually working on it). See for yourself!

View of the bedroom as you first walk in. We were lucky enough to pull up the carpet and find hardwood floors in decent condition.

Another shot of the room. Notice something different about our ceiling fan? The blades are below the light fixture, not above like most fans.

Another shot from a different corner of the room...

...and another.

Aaron's dresser. The rocks in the jars are agates that I've collected over the years while camping at Patrick's Point with my family.

This is a picture of Agate Beach at Patrick's Point State Park. This place is definitely one of God's masterpieces and I can't wait to soak it all in with my loves in a week!

Ella's Father's Day gift to Aaron this year. The picture was taken at Turlock Christian. I'm so glad her teacher gave us a copy. It's just too cute! "I see you, Daddy!"

Aaron's mom had one of her students sketch this picture of Aaron with his childhood pet, Otis. Otis is forever in our hearts and we are all convinced that his spirit now lives within our young pug, Bob.

I think this is the picture the girl went off of. She did a darn good job!

Such adoration is Aaron's eyes, while Otis just soaks in all the love.

Don't ask.

Okay, back to the bedroom! Hmmm...I wonder what time I took this picture? Hehe.

This is probably my favorite part of our bedroom. Love is spoken here (most of the time!).

My dresser. I know, I know...wedding picture overload! I seriously had all of these frames collecting dust in my closet, unused. So, what did I do? I took my favorite pictures out of our wedding album and put those frames to good use. After all, expensive wedding pictures aren't taken just to be stored away in an album, right?

July 3, 2005 - the beginning of our forever together.

Haha, we know how to have a good time! I don't understand how couples can be so nice when feeding each other cake. I mean, come on! Everybody is expecting you to plaster each other! In any case, it makes for good memories and good pictures. (By the way, I definitely got Aaron better than he got me).

Love the color we chose to paint our walls. Actually, I guess I should say I love the color I chose for Aaron to paint the walls. Haha! Love you, honey!

His and hers closets to compensate for the lack of his and hers sinks in the master bathroom.

And last but not least, our bed...where all the attempted baby-making occurs. TMI? Haha!

Hope you enjoyed the "tour" of our bedroom!

Only God Knows

It feels really great to have this release of writing. It makes me so happy to be able to communicate my feelings, my ideas, my family and my life with the world at large. My life, good and bad, is not something I want to keep to myself and I enjoy sharing it with all of you. Blogging has become an outlet for me and has helped me tremendously as I continue battling infertility.

Even though my infertility is embarrassing, saddening, unexpected and undeserving, it is what it is. It is God's meticulously designed plan for my life. I don't question His plan when things are going good in my life, so why should I question Him when things are going seemingly bad? There is no such thing as an unnecessarily bad thing in one's life. God promises there is always silver lining to dark clouds. Perhaps this "bad" in my life is necessary for a purpose larger than being a parent to a second child?

So, as I continue waiting, I have to focus on conquering my depression about my infertility and having faith. Let go and let God, as it is so commonly said. I have Ella as my daily reminder that God is good and His provision for my life is nothing to be questioned. He showed me that He wants me to be a parent the day He gave me Ella. But a parent to how many kids? Only God knows. If Ella is my one and only...well...I'll have to digest that when the time comes. I'll never give up, though! It's not in me to give up.

A Bible verse I'd like to share with you that brings reassurance to my heart is from Psalm 139:1-4.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

May we all rest assured in those words.

My Achy Breaky Back

Ever since Ella was born, I've had chronic back pain. The pain comes and goes and is dependent on how active I am. The pain is always centered around my lower right back and shoots over to my right hip.  Aaron massages this spot all the time, but the pain always re-surfaces.  He thinks I have a pinched nerve, but there is also a bump there, which means something might be inflamed.  Either way, I'm hurting and I'm tired of it!

Aaron and I have been going on power walks together during the evenings. Yesterday, not even halfway through the 2-mile walk, I told Aaron the pain had started up again. He's been trying to convince me to see a doctor FOREVER, so he was as sympathetic as he could be without saying, "I told you to see a doctor!" By the end of the walk, my fast pace slowed down to a leisurely stroll and I decided at that point that I need to take care of myself and see a doctor. No more putting this off, no more thinking that the problem will somehow disappear without treatment or therapy.

This pain makes my body feel way older than I am. My lower back, even when not in great pain, is always uncomfortable. And when God blesses me with another pregnancy, if I plan on carrying a baby for 9 months comfortably, I need to get my back in tip top shape. And, all you women out there know how trying a pregnancy can be on your back! Maybe God is telling me that I need to take care of myself first before I can healthily bear another child. In any case, this is not something I'm going to ignore any longer. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The first step to a new back and a new me (hopefully)!

And last but not least...10 more days 'til camping!!! We got our Subaru serviced yesterday, tent trailer is at the shop having its bearings packed, propane tanks are filled, sleeping bags are washed. All the last-minute things are gradually getting checked off our list. Words cannot even begin to describe how excited we are! WOO HOO!!!

Summer Project

Boy, today was hot!  After a very cool spring, summer weather is upon us.  Aaron is not excited, to say the least, but at least we have a pool this summer.

Lately, Aaron and I have been having a hard time getting Ella to eat her dinner.  She pretty much refuses to touch anything.  One night, we gave her half of her favorite dinner (Annie's organic mac & cheese and "Mickey chicken," chicken nuggets in the shape of Mickey's head), and asked her to eat one simple carrot in order to have the rest of her dinner.

Needless to say, it didn't go so well.

She had seconds of her cereal the next morning.  :)

Ella used to be a great eater...no matter what I made, she'd eat it, but now, she's so finicky.  She sometimes sits at the table for an hour (no joke!) before she finally gains enough courage to take a few bites.  And you can't say it's because she's not hungry because we haven't been giving her snacks in the afternoons and she still won't eat.  Ah, I hope this phase passes soon!

So, Aaron and I have decided to redo our kitchen cabinets this summer.  To save money, we are going to keep our current cabinet structures and doors.  We are simply going to sand down the current stain, making the surface smooth and textured.  Then, primer it and paint it.  Wa la!  We have a TON of cabinets and drawers.  We are blessed with a big kitchen.  So, this is going to be a long project.  I'm so excited, though, because this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time.

A lot of our cabinets, especially the ones by our sink and dishwasher, have water damage.

I suppose we should set the clock on our coffee maker.  Hehe.

And with the new look, we will update our 1960s hinges.  Oh my!  I won't miss those.

Overall, our kitchen cabinets are nice, but an updated makeover is needed.  We plan on getting trim to place above the current lines.  I think that will be very meticulous...making sure each angle is perfectly measured and matches the opposite angle.

Here are a couple pictures of the look we're hoping to imitate.  Too bad I couldn't just trade my kitchen in for this one!

I like the more off-white look, so we'll probably do a color similar to this.

I Held A 2-Day Old Baby Today

Our neighbors had their third child this past Saturday (they have a 4-year old and 2-year old already).  A beautiful 7 lb. 14 oz. girl, Claire Nicole.  Holding her, feeling her light touch, smelling the baby powder, hearing the faint coos and supporting her limp body were all so very magical for me.  A newborn baby has such a miraculous glow.  Claire has this beautiful glow.  The only other 2-day old baby I have held was Ella, so it was quite surreal.  I'm so happy for Kyle and Theresa.

Our neighbors are genuine people, the type of people you can rely on for anything and who see the good in people.  They are amazing parents and both have a deep love for God.  They deserve all the good in the world that comes their way, but still, hearing about their pregnancy after only a few months of trying was hard news to swallow.  I bravely told Theresa how I felt, hoping that release would help me keep my feelings raw and real with her.  We grew closer, we opened up to one another, but then I started distancing myself.  Watching her stomach grow week by week was hard.  I withdrew myself from my friendship with her, a friendship that I know God wants to happen.  It's not a mere coincidence that they moved into the house next door only a few months after we moved into our house.  It's a God thing!  God put them in our lives for a reason.

However, sensing their happiness, witnessing their family grow, wishing I have what they have has caused me to keep to myself.  It's hard.  I feel this emptiness inside of me and a wall has formed.  This wall doesn't allow others to see the hurt I'm feeling.  This wall, in some way, protects me.  I deactivated my Facebook account for this reason.  Seeing my friends post pregnancy pictures, update their statuses about their pregnancies...it was just getting too hard.  It had become a daily reminder and focal point.  I realized that Facebook was doing me more harm than good.  So, I got rid of Facebook, and then I slowly stopped reaching out to friends who are pregnant.  I'm doing things that I think will help me, but I'm not so sure if it is.

In any case, I try to live each day as bravely and strongly as I can, facing the reality that friends and family members are pregnant, that more friends and family members will get pregnant before me still and that the next newborn baby I hold may not be my own.  These realities scare me and make me want to curl up in a ball and cry, but these are the realities that God has laid before me and these are the realities that God will walk me through.

Aaron's Day

What a wonderful day! Aaron got to soak in the praise and adoration he deserves as Ella's daddy. The day started out with french toast and ended with Terminator 2. Yes, it was definitely his day. We got to enjoy lunch with my parents, which was the highlight of the day for me. My parents are such a funny couple, constantly poking jokes at one another (well, mainly my dad poking jokes at my mom, who just does her infamous jovial laugh). It's always refreshing hanging out with them. I have a whole new relationship and level of respect for them that I didn't have before being a parent. I thank God for them everyday.

As for Aaron...well, this commercial sums up his relationship with Ella.

No matter WHAT, no matter the embarrassment or humility, he will hands down, no questions asked, be there for Ella in any and every situation. He has already demonstrated that to me in the three short years he's been a dad. 

A quote from James Dobson's, Bringing Up Girls goes "...instilling self-worth in girls, begins within the security of a loving family. Specifically, it depends on a caring and affirming father. Moms are vital in countless ways too, but self-worth for girls hangs precariously on their relationship with their dads."

Aaron, you give Ella confidence and strength. You are a living demonstration of the good that life can bring. Through your everyday actions and words, you are showing Ella the beauty of this world and you are, day by day, minute by minute, instilling in her an unbreakable sense of self-worth. And for all of that, I thank you.

Here are some pictures taken a couple months ago when we drove up to the Sacramento Zoo for the day.

Aaron telling Ella about the the sleeping lions.

Aaron turned ape on us!

Only momentarily, though. ;)

Love love.