Today was a hard day. I can't explain why...it just was. Going through any emotionally trying time can bring good days and bad days. Today was a bad day.
Aaron and I took Ella to soccer this morning and she did amazingly well. We then went to the park (as promised if she was good at soccer) followed by a fun outing at Lowe's (we had to get potting soil, weed killer...you know, all that fun stuff). Aaron, Ella and I spent the entire day dwelling in the 95-degree heat. Aaron had to move some trees so we could store our "new" tent trailer in a certain spot of our yard, and then he replanted some tropical plants to another area. Because Aaron can't handle the heat as well as I, the California native, can and because he was being such a trooper with replanting plants (which is his least favorite thing to do in the world), I volunteered to mow the back lawn, the side lawn and part of the front lawn for him (which is my least favorite thing to do in the world). Boy, was I beat afterwards. I went into our pool for the first time. The water had simply been too cold for me up until that point. At that very moment, that pool looked like a heavenly oasis to me. I soaked in there with Ella, having a blast, and then in jumps Aaron. I swear steam came off him! He just laid there, motionless, allowing his core temperature to drop. This pool has been the best thing we've bought for a long time!
So, today sounds like a good day, right? I mean, it was productive, I got to spend time with my two favorite people, nothing bad happened to anybody I love, so why this funk? Why am I down?
This happens every once in a while, and this time it's a consequence of the realization that people I know, being in my "social circle" so to speak, are getting pregnant. I always tell myself, "Your time will come, Bobbi. Be patient!" But I feel like my time is long overdue and I deserve a pregnancy more than others. Aaron tells me not to think that way, that nobody deserves a pregnancy any less than we do, but I can't help it. Can many of you say you've been trying for coming on 21 months? Likely not! So, shut it (inside joke with Aaron and me)!
What I didn't say in my previous post is that while waiting to see Dr. Dekhordi for my post-op appointment, my friend/Aaron's best friend's wife walked into the waiting room. It was nice to see her and chit-chat, but I couldn't hold in the only question on my mind for very long..."So, are you pregnant?" anxiously escaped my mouth, with my ears not wanting to hear the answer. She said she wasn't and that she was just seeing the OB-GYN for her annual exam, but a part of me doesn't believe that. She is probably well aware of what Aaron and I are going through and maybe didn't want to make things worse for us. Or, maybe she was telling the truth and I'm being absolutely crazy. It really shouldn't even matter, though, because I should be happy for any friend of mine who gets pregnant, right? Right??? What is wrong with me to feel the need to take away from their happiness? I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because I hate the way I feel and I hate that these feelings have overcome me, but this funk is like an all-consuming addiction that I can't get rid of. My attitude is that everyone will get pregnant before me. Bad attitude to have when trying to conceive, huh?
Aaron is going to be gone all day tomorrow at a RICA preparation course in the bay area, which leaves Ella and I all to ourselves to have a fun mother/daughter day. I wonder what mischief we can get ourselves into??? Lets just say, with Ella...anything goes!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment