Only God Knows

It feels really great to have this release of writing. It makes me so happy to be able to communicate my feelings, my ideas, my family and my life with the world at large. My life, good and bad, is not something I want to keep to myself and I enjoy sharing it with all of you. Blogging has become an outlet for me and has helped me tremendously as I continue battling infertility.

Even though my infertility is embarrassing, saddening, unexpected and undeserving, it is what it is. It is God's meticulously designed plan for my life. I don't question His plan when things are going good in my life, so why should I question Him when things are going seemingly bad? There is no such thing as an unnecessarily bad thing in one's life. God promises there is always silver lining to dark clouds. Perhaps this "bad" in my life is necessary for a purpose larger than being a parent to a second child?

So, as I continue waiting, I have to focus on conquering my depression about my infertility and having faith. Let go and let God, as it is so commonly said. I have Ella as my daily reminder that God is good and His provision for my life is nothing to be questioned. He showed me that He wants me to be a parent the day He gave me Ella. But a parent to how many kids? Only God knows. If Ella is my one and only...well...I'll have to digest that when the time comes. I'll never give up, though! It's not in me to give up.

A Bible verse I'd like to share with you that brings reassurance to my heart is from Psalm 139:1-4.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

May we all rest assured in those words.