Good Bye, 2010! Nice Knowing Ya!

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days now. I'm still learning to cope with life after a failed IVF cycle and have, in turn, been in a writing slump (well, really a life slump, which is then reflected in my lack of blog posts).

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments, but I'm entitled to those moments. I'm very glad for our unsuccessful IVF to come at the end of 2010. This year has been rough and the negative results coming last week reemphasizes how much disappointment this year has brought us, and puts a big fat period (literally!) at the end.

But, now that 2010 is officially done, Aaron and I are forced (in a good way) to look to the future, rather than dwell on the past. 2010 is over. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears are "so last year," and we are now living in the here and now. In 2011.

So, with the half glass full, I'm keeping my head high and my faith higher. 2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!

If you are new to following our journey, feel free to click HERE for a timeline of what we did this past year in hopes of conceiving our second child. You'll be able to see it's been quite the year.

Ella: A True Christmas Angel

This post is all pictures, no words. I think the pictures speak for themselves and perfectly display why, despite the failed IVF cycle, I was able to find so much joy and happiness this Christmas.

Note of Appreciation

I just wanted to tell everyone a big thank you. You have all been following me on this long ride and I appreciate all of your support, words of encouragement, personal experiences, love and prayers.

The past couple days have been hard. Possibly the hardest, emotionally, I've ever had to endure.

And, a part of me was worried to have the "big day" land on Christmas Eve. But, now that it's passed, I think the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Christmas is a time of joy, and despite life circumstances or a failed IVF cycle, one can't help but feel that joy seep in. If the news of our failed IVF landed on an ordinary day, I don't think I would've as easily been able to bounce back from it. And I'm not saying I'm okay. I'm not. I'm still so sad and numb, but Christmas brought me happiness when I didn't think happiness was possible.

I can honestly even say that there were moments (long moments, in fact) where I forgot about how Champ and Embry didn't make it, and just focused on the now.

Focused on Ella's face as she opened each present and then patiently waited for her turn to open the next gift.

Focused on my dad's precise insanity in cleaning up the wrapping paper and bows, while sipping his sixth cup of coffee. :)

Focused on my Sister's glow of happiness and love, and how just having her around lifts my spirits.

Focused on Tim and his patient demeanor at its finest as he spent all afternoon putting together Ella's new dollhouse with Aaron.

Focused on Aaron who, when he didn't have the camera in his face, has the most handsome smile I've ever laid eyes on.

Focused on my mom, who focuses on me in return and reads me like a map. Despite not liking to talk about my "feelings," I like being understood without having to say much. Or anything at all, for that matter.

But, then, eventually, my thoughts would wander back to my empty womb. I think about those two beautiful embryos and how they will soon be out of my body. I will soon be starting the most unwanted period of my life.

Because, in my mind, I'm not supposed to have this period.

In my mind, IVF was going to work and I was going to be celebrating the beautiful gift of pregnancy this Christmas with the ones I love most.

Instead, at times, I felt like the damper in the room. Being the one that laughed the least. The one that sometimes dazed out with glazed eyes, deep in my own thoughts. The one that wanted to go home first. The one that cried.

I did the best I could. And, I'm very proud of the way I got through the past couple days. I thought I would collapse into bottomless depression.

But, you know what, I think I'll get through it.

With my family, with Aaron and Ella, and with my God...all things are possible.

So, thank you to all my blog readers and followers. You helped get me through the roughest couple days my infertility has brought me in the past 2-1/2 years or so. And I look forward in sharing my joys with you in 2011.

Bring it on, 2011! BRING IT ON!!!

We Beat the Odds

We had less of a chance of not getting pregnant, but we beat the odds. We're not pregnant.

I received the call from Dr. Weckstein about 12:30 this afternoon. "I'm so sorry, Bobbi, but I have bad news." The rest of the conversation was an emotional blur. I cried and listened. I got off the phone and just hugged Aaron, sobbing in each other's arms. I hadn't cried that hard since as long as I can remember. Hiccuping and hyperventilating almost to the point of throwing up.

Dr. Weckstein said he's positive 2011 will be our year. Little did he know that this will be the third year I've said that. My 2010 New Year's resolution was to get pregnant. I didn't come close. Not at all.

He went on to say that two of our three frozen embryos are better quality than the two we transferred this cycle. If you remember, this cycle we transferred 3AA and 5B-B- embryos. The ones we have frozen are graded 5AA (as good as it gets), 5BB- and 2AB.

I have an appointment on January 7th for what would've been our babies' first sonogram. We're keeping the appointment, but this time to discuss our failed IVF cycle and to talk about our game plan. He also wants to do a uterine sounding. Say what???

Well, what I failed to disclose about our transfer, is that Dr. Weckstein had a semi-difficult time getting to my uterus. One would think to just go straight up through the cervix and bada boom bada bing, there would be the uterus. With me, he had to go through many attempts. Over this. Under that. It was very strange. Who would've thought there'd be "obstructions."

Anyway, Dr. Weckstein wants to ensure a completely smooth transfer for our frozen embryo transfer (FET), so he's going to basically do a practice run with an empty catheter.

How am I feeling? Sooooooooo down, but Aaron's hand holding and constant glances of similar disappointment and pain, Sister's love pats, my brother-in-law Tim's reminder that they love us, Dad's tear-filled hug and Mom's optimistic hope for the future all helped me get through what I imagined would be the hardest day.

Today was hard. Very hard. But, at the end of the day, I have a beautiful family who proved to me today just how much I mean to them and how willing they are to be there for me.

From the moment I took one step into the door at my parents' house, my mom and Sister hugged me, cried with me, and allowed me to just crumble into their arms.

I then hugged my dad. I could feel him sobbing with me while hugging. I never realized how much my family is affected by this, how badly they want this for us, too.

Ella saw that I was crying and asked if I was okay. Knowing I needed to tell her the truth, I hugged her and looked into her big brown eyes, and had the following conversation with her.

"You know those babies we've been praying for? The babies in Mommy's tummy?"

"Yeah."

"Well, God decided that it's not our time to have those babies. God wants you to be our one and only child right now."

"Why?"

"I don't know why. Only God knows why this happened."

I didn't know if she really understood, but later on, she came up to me and said, "God doesn't want us to have the babies anymore." Seeing she was sad about it, I told her, "Just for right now. In a couple two days we will have the babies." ("Couple two days" is her way of referring to sometime in the future. Cute, huh?).

I have to keep telling myself that, too. In a couple two days, Aaron and I will be blessed with another baby. In a couple two days, God will reveal his beautiful plan for our lives. In a couple two days, all this pain and sadness will be no more and all we will feel is immeasurable joy.

In a couple two days.

Waiting

We made the foggy drive to RSC and back. My blood is drawn and I should be receiving the call any minute.

The drive was quiet both ways.

Aaron asked me why I'm so sure it didn't work. My response was a quiet, "Because I feel what I feel."

He then came back with, "Well, I feel what I feel! And I feel it worked!"

We cried. We held hands, despite my unwillingness to be close (I get that way when I'm depressed). But mainly, we sat there in quiet stillness, knowing nothing can cure the anxiety and possible brokenness in our hearts.

Bittersweet Injection

Aaron just injected me with my nightly 1cc dose of Progesterone.

Even though I loathe these injections, this one was bittersweet. It could be my last one.

If we find out tomorrow that IVF didn't work, I will be told to stop taking my daily dosage of Estrace and stop with my PIO injections.

If we find out we are pregnant(!!!), I continue the PIO injections for another few weeks.

Hey! I'd do injections every night for nine full months if it meant a healthy pregnancy and baby.

On another note, shortly after I wrote my previous depressing blog post, I went to the bathroom. Exciting stuff, huh? And guess what I saw.

Blood. :(

I immediately freaked out (quietly, to myself), but found that only the small nickel-sized spot of blood was all there was. It was bright red and could not be missed. I thought for sure it was the beginning of my period, but usually my periods don't start out like that. At all.

But, then again, I've never started my period while taking PIO injections.

The spot was scant, not heavy and nothing I've seen before in any of my previous natural cycles. So...could this be good?

I consulted Dr. Google to see what he had to say on spotting (if you an even call it that when it's just one spot) at 8dp5dt and it seems to be a "normal" symptom for women going through a medicated IVF cycle.

Oh, gosh, this just adds to the anxiety I'm already experiencing.

Please, God, help me get through tonight and tomorrow. Help me find peace as Your plan for this IVF cycle is revealed to me. Amen.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Either that, or the storm of infertility will continue to linger over me and I'll look something like this...

All day today I've had dull period-like cramps. These are the exact cramps I feel the day before I start my period. And, guess what! Tomorrow would be the day my period is due.

I'm completely discouraged. My heart is sinking. I had numerous meltdowns at work. All I feel like doing is crying.

Because, I know.

I know IVF didn't work. I know my period is wanting to come, but the PIO injections are stopping it from showing up. I know my body and my body is screaming at me, "You're not pregnant!"

My cramps are shooting down my legs, exactly as they do right before I start my period.

I'm still a little nauseas and the headaches I'm experiencing are awful, but both of those symptoms clearly are from the PIO injections.

I want to take a pregnancy test, to brace myself for the huge fall tomorrow, but Aaron is strongly discouraging it. He's still holding onto the hope that I am pregnant and that tomorrow will be one of the best days of our lives.

So, there you have it. Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It's going to be a long day.

Starting to Think This Might've Worked

I so wish the egg retrieval wasn't postponed that extra day. I'd be finding out if I'm pregnant TOMORROW. But instead, I'm only 7dp5dt, and my Beta pregnancy test isn't scheduled until Friday.

I have to tell you, despite the agonizing circle of emotions this wait has put me through, the "two week wait" (well, technically, 9 days since transfer day) has flown by. I thought time would stand still. And even though each day seemingly dragged on and on, the days combined flew into each other.

I think most of it is due to my in-laws visiting. They arrived Saturday (3dp5dt) and just left today. Time always passes faster when routine is interrupted and some fun is brought into the picture. (Not to say my life isn't fun, but you know what I mean!).

As for how I'm feeling...that's hard to answer.

The ups and downs I'm going through is serious business. Literally, my mood can change in the blink of an eye! I can be so filled with hope and positive vibes one minute, and down in the dumps, ready to call it quits the next.

My bum is so sore from the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections. I'm alternating the nightly stabs from left cheek to right cheek, but when the allowed area for Aaron to inject me is so small, it feels each shot is given at the same exact spot. The pain of each shot just adds to the already swollen and bruised area. Ever gotten a shot on a deep bruise? Yeah, not so fun! The shots didn't start out so bad, but with each passing night, it gets worse and worse, because I'm stabbing an area that needs to be left alone to heal, instead of brought more pain. I have big welts that seriously feel like oversized golf balls under my skin. Gross!

My cramps have subsided some, with my worst cramps being from 2dp5dt to 5dp5dt (when the little guy(s) implanted and burrowed deeper into my uterine lining...hopefully). Yesterday and today, the cramps are minimal. They are just annoying cramps that when I think about, I feel, but when I'm busy, I don't feel. Ah, the power of the mind!

As far as other symptoms...

1.  I'm dirt tired. Like, going to bed at 7:30 with my 4-year old tired. I've been getting a lot of sleep, but yet, come mid-afternoon, I'm still ready to crash.

However...I could just be tired from all the hormones and emotions messing with me.

2.  Late yesterday afternoon through right now, I've had a headache. Extra Strength Tylenol does aboslutely nothing for my pain, so I'm just hydrating myself in hopes that it'll help, but nope. I've heard that headaches are sometimes a symptom of early pregnancy.

However...the headache could be a side effect from the hormone medication I'm on. Or, Aaron thinks the headache might be from caffeine withdrawls, since I'm used to a cup of coffee a day and haven't had any since last Wednesday (transfer day). I would think if there were any withdrawals, I would've felt them earlier. I don't know. I've never gone without coffee before! LOL!

3.  My boobs are now getting sore. They haven't been this whole time, which I thought was weird, considering the Estrace (estrogen) tablets and PIO shots should cause some discomfort, but nada...until yesterday. Although only mild, they have now reached a point of noticeable discomfort.
 
However...my boobs always get sore right before I start my period.

4.  Metal taste in my mouth. I've heard women having this sympton in early pregnancy, but never thought anything of it. Beginning yesterday morning, though, I've noticed a metallic taste in my mouth. All the water I've been drinking has a bitter metal taste to it. I don't know how else to describe it other than sticking a nickel in my mouth, sucking on it for a little while, and then having that aftertaste in my mouth.

However...this unexplained taste could be from the PIO injections. Every time Aaron gives me the shot, I can taste it. Seriously! And it's disgusting!

5.  And, last but not least, naueasu has kicked in. Yesterday morning while at work, I noticed I was feeling faint nausea. I texted Aaron and told him, and his response was a quick, "Well, duh, you're pregnant!" :) I felt it throughout the day yesterday, especially near dinner time again, and when I got to work this morning, the feeling resurfaced.

However...the metal taste in my mouth can be making me feel nauseaus.

Quiz:

What can be causing most, if not all, the symptoms described above?

(a) Pregnancy
(b) Period
(c) Hormones/medication/injections
(d) All of the above.

If you answered (d), you are correct.

As Will Ferrell in Anchorman puts it best, "I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

Emotional like Whoa!

Hormones...check!

Drugs messing with my hormones...check!

Estrogene and progesterone levels all over the place...check!

Possibly pregnant...check!

Possibly PMS-ing...check!

Going crazy analyzing every symptom I'm experiencing...check!

The thought of $15,000 of debt without anything to show for it looming over my head...check!

It's no wonder I'm so emotional. I'm keeping it together while my in-laws visit, though. Laughing and enjoying each other's company. But, I didn't realize how much I was keeping in, how well I was keeping it together until I got to work and saw my mom (yes, I work with my mom). I went straight into my office with just a quick "Good morning," but after some time passed, she came in to check on me.

All she had to do was say, "How are you?" and I started balling! I couldn't even look at her because I knew that would make me cry harder. She just patted my shoulders, brushed my hair with her fingers and listened to me sob.

I'm a mess.

Aaron's a mess, although able to keep himself more composed.

Ella, thankfully, has not picked up on her "messy" parents, but during lunch yesterday, she did ask for us to all hold hands, Grandma and Grandpa included, and pray. So, once we were all holding hands, she said, "God." (Long pause). "Please help us."

We all couldn't help but laugh. :)

But then she added some perspective to her prayer.

"Thank you for Daddy. Thank you for Mommy. Thank you for Grandpa. Thank you for Grandma."

Crazy how a little 4-year old, without a care in the world, can bring so much perspective to a table filled with infertility and cancer.

Yes, Ella, at the end of the day, we need to remain thankful for what we have...each other.

But, hey, a good cry...or two...or three...never hurt anybody. Aaron jokingly suggested Dan (my father-in-law battling cancer) and I should find a corner and just cry together. So much weight is on each of our shoulders. So many hormones messing with us. The only difference is, though, I'd be crying because I feel powerless to creating life.

He would be crying because he feels powerless to cancer and the hold it has on his life.

Again...perspective.

Hi, my name is Bobbi, and I am a Research-oholic.

Reproductive Science Center of the SF Bay Area  San Ramon, CA

Clinic Summary Report

Treatment Type			Procedure Frequency			Diagnosis Frequency
IVF	100%		ICSI	90%		Tubal factor	0%		Other factor	0%
						Ovulatory dysfunction	0%		Unknown factor	0%
			PGD	3%		Diminished ovarian reserve	0%		Multiple factors
						Endometriosis	0%		Female only	0%
						Uterine factor	0%		Female and male	0%
Select Year:  2008  2007  2006  2005  2004  2003						Male factor	100%
Total Cycles:1,053						Select Diagnosis:  All Diagnoses  Endometriosis  Diminished Ovarian Reserve  Multiple Female Factors  Ovulatory Dysfunction  Tubal Factor  Uterine Factor  Female and Male Factors  Male Factor  Other Factor  Unknown Factor

Data Verfied by: Louis N. Weckstein, MD
Select Treatment Type:  All Treatment Types  Fresh Embryos from Patient's Oocytes  Thawed Embryo Transfers  Donated Oocytes  Gestational Carrier - Patient's Oocytes

Fresh Embryos From Non-Donor Oocytes	<35	35-37	38-40	41-42
Number of cycles	43	20	29	8
Percentage of cycles resulting in pregnancies	58.1	45.0	31.0	2 / 8
Percentage of cycles resulting in live births	53.5	30.0	27.6	2 / 8
(Reliability Range)	(38.6 - 68.4)	(9.9 - 50.1)	(11.3 - 43.9)
Percentage of retrievals resulting in live births	54.8	30.0	30.8	2 / 7
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births	59.0	30.0	33.3	2 / 7
Percentage of cycles with elective single embryo transfer	5.1	0	0	0 / 7
Percentage of cancellations	2.3	0	10.3	1 / 8
Implantation rate	40.7	24.5	20.0	11.5
Average number of embryos transferred	2.1	2.4	2.3	3.7
Percentage of live births with twins	34.8	1 / 6	0 / 8	1 / 2
Percentage of live births with triplets or more	0	1 / 6	0 / 8	0 / 2

Current Clinic Services and Profile
Current Name:	Reproductive Science Center of the SF Bay Area
Donor egg?	Yes		Gestational carriers?	Yes		SART Member?	Yes
Donor embryo?	Yes		Cryopreservation?	Yes		Verified lab accreditation?	Yes
Single Women?	Yes

So, if you know me, you know much I love to do research. Aaron can't stand how I overanalyze and over question things, but that is how God made me, so I am choosing to embrace it, rather than deny it. :)

Since Aaron and I committed to IVF, I started researching things. Not just statistics, but just to understand the whole process better. If you go through the history of my Internet Explorer, you would see nothing but infertility-related searches (with an occasional Facebook and Blogger). :)

The Society for Assisted Reproductive Technologies (SART) keeps a database of every ART clinic's success rates. The last year published is 2008, but since then, I know RSC's success rates have steadily increased. What I most like about the SART's publications is that it breaks down the success rates not only for each age group, but also for each infertility diagnosis, which, in our case, is male factor.

In 2008, RSC's success rate for male infertility was 59%. Not too shabby, right? Considering, RSC's overall success rate (for all infertility diagnoses in the >35 age group) was 46%. That means, in 2008, IVF was 13% more successful for couple's experiencing male infertility factor than the average of success rates for all infertility diagnoses combined. Make sense?

RSC Clinical Pregnancy Rates Jan - Sept 2010

Fresh IVF/ICSI cycles - Day 3 and Blastocysts Combined

Age of Women	<35	35-37	38-40	41-42
Egg Retrievals	150	94	95	52
Transfers	142	89	90	49
Clinical Pregnancies	76	44	41	14
Pregnancy rate per transfer	54%	49%	46%	29%
Average # of embryos transferred	1.9	2.1	2.5	3.5

Above are RSC's success rates for January to September of this year. As you can see, these success rates are for day 3 and blastocyst transfers combined. I fall in the 54% category, which is up from 2008's overall success rate of 46%. That's a whoppin' 8% difference in 2 years! It's amazing the progress ART is making each year!

However, if you account for our infertility diagnosis being male factor, and that resulting in a 13% higher success rate than the 2008 average, then, you would think that the 2010 success rate would follow a similar pattern.

Which, would then bring our estimated success rate to 67%, the higher end of the 60% to 65% success rate Dr. Weckstein has given us.

Okay, you following so far? On top of all that, Dr. Weckstein gave us a chart with a breakdown of RSC's 2008 statistics. It showed that 67.7% of all blastocyst transfers for >35 years of age resulted in pregnancy. That's really high! I can only imagine that it's a little higher a couple years later.

So, I guess what I'm trying to get at with all of this...is that the numbers are in our favor. Now, if only I can feel some relief in knowing that.

I went through so many ups and downs today. So many moments of complete confidence that I'm pregnant, that this is really happening. And then the opposite, with just as many moments where I freak out! scare myself into questioning if it worked. These darn cramps are really messing with my head!!!

At least I only have five more days of this insanity. Then, we will all know! And our success (or failure) will become one of RSC's numbers for this year's statistics.

But, to me, it'd be much more than a number.

I Need Reassurance

I know I'm only 3dp5dt, and I realize cramping is to be expected, even spotting, but gosh...I need reassurance, people!

I'm cramping, which basically feels like mild period cramps...all the time. Nothing that stops me in my tracks, but definitely a dull discomfort down there, on top of the bloating. The mild cramping is there, always, and it constantly has me thinking what is going on down there?

Also, an hour or so ago, I was spotting. Or, I guess I should say, I spotted...once. When I wiped, the discharge was brown/orange in color. And that was it. Nothing more. One time. Could that be spotting from implantation?

I guess I'm just scared because every other time I've had cramps like this and spotting like that, it has resulted in my period. Every time!

Now, I know my body is going through crazy post-IVF changes and I'm still doing the Progesterone shot and taking 2 Estrace tablets every day, so that in itself can mess with things. And, if I'm pregnant, my body is going through even more changes.

These feelings are just too familiar that my mind automatically veers for the worse.

Any reassuring stories out there? Any advice? I'd love anything at this point! :)

Ella Praying for the Babies

Ella's not camera shy, so she let me record her praying for the babies. :)

Please disregard the nose pick in the beginning. You take the good with the bad with an unedited 4-year old!

And, for whatever reason, there is a sound delay, so the video cutoff before you can hear "Amen,", but she didn't say "Dear God" in the beginning, so it's all good. :)

What Our Embryos Are Up To

I know I am curious, but in case you all are too, here is a timeline of what Champ and Embry are up to this next week.

12/15 - 0dpt (dpt stands for days past transfer) - Embryo is now a blastocyst.
12/16 - 1dpt - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day. (If you remember, Champ was already starting to hatch out of his shell, so this could've happened the day of the transfer for "him").
12/17 - 2dpt - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining.
12/18 - 3dpt - Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining.
12/19 - 4dpt - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining.
12/20 - 5dpt - Morula (the embryos) is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells and fetal cells.
12/21 - 6dpt - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood.
12/22 - 7dpt - More HCG is produced as fetus develops.
12/23 - 8dpt - More HCG is produced as fetus develops.
12/24 - 9dpt - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on home pregnancy test.

I know I might be reading too much into things, but last night, while relaxing on the couch with Aaron, I suddenly felt really sharp pains on my right side. It was very focal and very sharp. It lasted for about 5 minutes, and I even told Aaron that it was weird. And he's like, "Are you implanting?" (By the way, it's so great, but also so funny, hearing my husband talk about things like that. For example, on the drive home from the egg transfer, he said, "It's so good that your uterine lining was so thick." Oh my! LOL!!!).

Okay, back to last night. The pain stopped, but then when I stood up a short while later, it was so sharp that I had to hunch over and it lasted for only a few seconds that time, but still very weird. It stopped me in my tracks.

I'm not suggesting one of the guys implanted last night, but I'm going to hold onto the hope that the pain I felt was, in fact, one of our kids burrowing himself/herself into my uterine lining. Since Champ was already hatching out of his shell the day of the transfer, there's a good chance that implantation happened a little earlier for him, right? Well, that's my logic and I'm sticking to it. :)

Other than that, I'm still feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I think I still have a lot of fluid in my ovaries from the egg retrieval. My stomach constantly feels expelled, like I'm filled with a bunch of hot air (which I probably am!). I've been wearing sweats everyday. Hey, I want to be as comfortable as I can right now. I just hope this fluid build-up, or whatever it is, subsides.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! :)

We Have Frosties!

Despite having so many embryos, only 3 of the 6-day blastocysts were good enough quality to freeze. If IVF doesn't work, Aaron and I would then pursue a frozen embryo transfer (FET), but only the really good embryos can make it through the thawing process.

The quality of our frozen babies are:

• 5AA (jackpot!)
• 5BB-
• 2AB

I'm a little disappointed that more were not frozen, but this IVF cycle will work. I have to remain positive. :)

As for how I'm feeling, I'm just relaxing at home. Aaron's at work, my dad came over early and got Ella ready for school and dropped her off, and then he'll be picking her up and bringing her home with Christmas movies for us to enjoy this afternoon until Aaron gets home and can hang out with her. :)

It's hard being on bed rest because I feel like I'm so incapable and constantly asking for things. Dr. Weckstein said the only times he wants me to get up is when I have to go to the bathroom. I'm glad to be able to rest, though, because I'm feeling so bloated and uncomfortable, which I've been told is normal post egg transfer. On top of that, the egg retrieval has still left my ovaries very sore and tender, which is also to be expected and they might be that way for a while longer.

So, I plan on resting for the remainder of the day, sending positive vibes to my uterus, and eating lots of pineapple. My acupuncturist told me, and I've read a lot on-line, that pineapple can help with implantation. Hey, whatever helps, right? And even if it doesn't help, at least it's healthy. :)

I Love Them So Much Already

Here's the first picture of our babies. Champ, the 5BB embryo (bottom), and Embry, the 3AA embryo (top)! Yes, we named them (just for fun...to make a heavy, emotional day more light and jovial). :)

It's really overwhelming looking at this picture. I feel a flood of emotions. I stared at that picture so much today, dreaming about them, thinking about what they're doing in my uterus right now.

It's so crazy how I can love a cluster of cells so much, but I do. They are our babies and, until proven otherwise, they are going to be our family.

I am Officially PUPO!!!

Egg transfer is done!!!

All, but the two eggs transferred today, are going to be cultured an additional day. Tomorrow, the embryologists will check them out and determine if they are worthy of freezing. Based on what he saw today, Dr. Weckstein is guessing we'll have around 4 or 5 embryos to freeze tomorrow. More than enough for a litter of Johnson babies. Just kidding!

While driving to RSC for the transfer, Dr. Weckstein called to consult with us on transferring one of two embryos. When he told me we had one absolutely perfect embryo, I thought for sure he was going to highly suggest only transferring that one, leaving me to have to somewhat "argue my case," if you will, of us wanting to transfer two. He then went on to say that putting in two embryos does increase my chances of success by 10% and that if I'm willing to risk having twins, that he can understand why I'd go the route with the higher chance of success. So, with that said, I told him we for sure wanted to do two. :)

As for the egg transfer. It was quite the experience. First, my bladder was too full, so I had to walk across the mini-hospital area at RSC with a blanket around me to pee for only 6 seconds. Yes, they are so down to a science that they know the exact amount of time to urinate!

(For those of you who don't know, the doctor likes to have a full bladder because it makes seeing the uterus easier, which then makes for an easier transfer).

The actual egg transfer wasn't painful. Much like a papsmear (with that darn speculum) and a catheter.

Technically, though, we had two transfers today because only one of the embryos decided to not cooperate with us the first go around, and it had to be transferred separately.

Only one embryo successfully left the catheter the first time around. The other one was retained in the catheter. The embryologist has to double check to make sure they both successfully transferred, but quickly came back into the room saying, "One of them jumped shipped."

I was so worried this was a bad sign. That our success rates would drop down because of this mishap, a mishap that only happens in 5% of transfers (according to Dr. Weckstein). He reassured me lots of testing has been done to that effect and it's been conclusively found that it does not affect the pregnancy success rates. Phew!

The nurse helping with the transfer immediately chimed in with some comedy relief and said, "Well, that kid is clearly going to be your stubborn one." :) Love it!

After the transfer (or transfers, I should say!), I laid there for a short while, still holding Aaron's hand. Aaron got up and gave me a hug and we both agreed that this is going to work.

But then...

I asked the nurse if I could talk to the embryologist to find out the grades on the embryos transferred. Embryos are assigned a number 1 through 5, depending on where it is in its blastocyst development, and then two letters, A through C. The ideal blastocyst grade is 5AA. That is the perfect, quintessential, textbook perfect embryo.

Mine were not.

Our big one. The one Dr. Weckstein said was an absolutely beautiful embryo, is graded at 5B-B-. The 5 means that the blastocyst is beginning to hatch out of its shell, which is very good! But the two B-s upset me. I hadn't even heard of that. I have only seen As and Bs (and Cs), but not with minuses.

A B- is awfully close to a C. That just makes me feel so uneasy.

The second embryo we transferred is graded 3AA. The double As are very exciting, and the 3 means it's a full blastocyst with a cavity completely filling the embryo. Not as good as a 4 or 5, but we'll take it!

As for the letters, the first letter measures the quality of the inner cell mass (ICM), which make up the cells that will become the fetus. The second letter measures the quality of the trophectoderm (TE), which are the cells that will form the placenta surrounding the cavity. Exciting stuff, huh?

The embryologist said our 3AA embryo had shown a lot of promise this morning, which is why they decided that was the second best to transfer. Growth spurts can happen in such short periods of time when dealing with blastocysts.

I just can't believe my best embryo, although a 5, still had such poor ICM and TE qualities. Aaron doesn't think I should be so down about this. He says it's gonna work. He's so convincing too! I guess because everything else had gone so remarkably well this cycle that I just assumed the quality of the embryos transferred would reflect that too.

In any case, Dr. Weckstein still gives us the highest chance of success (60% to 65%), with 30% to 40% chance of the pregnancy being twins.

So, the way I look at it, we have a one-third chance of having no babies, a one-third chance of having one baby, and a one-third chance of having twins. The odds are in our favor.

Now, to somehow focus my mind on something else for the next 9 days. :)

Day 3 Embryo Report Card

I didn't get my embryos' grades yesterday, but I called this morning to get them. Because the embryos are cultured on day 4, no measurements are taken today, so I got yesterday's measurements. The embryologist I spoke with on the phone said tomorrow's grades will be even better, and Dr. Weckstein will go over them all with me and decide which one(s) to transfer.

So, yesterday, we had the following:

• 2 8-cell grade 1 embryos
• 6 8-cell grade 2 embryos
• 1 8-cell grade 3 embryo
• 2 7-cell grade 1 embryos
• 1 7-cell grade 2 embryos
• 3 6-cell grade 2 embryos
• 1 6-cell grade 3 embryo

The embryos are graded from 1 to 5, with 1 meaning textbook perfect and 5 meaning there are inconsistencies, fragmentations, discoloration, etc. He said I have a very promising arrangement of embryos! :)

I'm Still a Mama of 16 Embies

When RSC called this morning, I thought for sure I would be told that a couple, or even a few, of the embryos have stopped growing, but nope! The doctor told me they are all still dividing perfectly and are developing just right. I couldn't believe my ears! How could we be so lucky?

So, the day 5 transfer is set for Wednesday at 9:30 a.m. I'm excited to see the picture of the embryos that will be transferred. That will officially be our babies' first picture and you better believe it's going right on the fridge when we get home from RSC.

I'm in this constant state of disbelief that the day has finally come that the embryos will be transferred. The IVF cycle just flew by! It all feels so surreal. I'm excited, anxious, calm, stressed...but mainly I feel blessed. I feel blessed that after soooooo long, our day is finally here! Aaron and I are going to share a wonderful, miraculous experience together Wednesday morning, even if we come to find out it didn't work.

And even though we are sitting at 60-65% chance of success, I feel peacefully confident that we will find out on Christmas Eve that we are pregnant. The 9 days from the transfer to the blood test are going to be the longest 9 days of my life, but it will be exciting to know I am PUPO. If you don't know what that stands for, it means PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE!

Once those embryos are inside of me, I am pregnant. And if I find out on Christmas Eve that I am not, that those little guys didn't stick, no one will be able to take away those 9 days of when I was pregnant, when I humbly cared for the embryos God created.

I am relentlessly praying and hoping those 9 days turn into 9 beautiful months of a long-awaited pregnancy. :)

Still Have 16 Thriving Embryos

I got a call from a doctor at RSC early this morning, once again, to check up on my egg retrieval recovery and to let me know how my little babies are doing. All 16 of them are still thriving and dividing. The doctor said all embryos are dividing normally right now and that they all seem to be doing just fine.

I think that deserves a big WOO HOO!!!!!!

Okay, that's it for now. :)

Fertilization Report Is In!

We have 16 embryos!!! Can you believe it? Of the 19, only 3 did not fertilize. We could not be happier with these results! :)

So, this means we have 16 potential babies! I'm like a mother cat with a huge litter of kittens. :)

Okay, maybe that's not the best analogy, but it is still very surreal for me to think we have 16 embryos growing in the lab. My babies! Ella's sibling(s)! Their lives have officially begun.

I can't really put into words how I'm feeling right now. I feel so excited to think we've finally reached this point. It is so weird to think that our future children are in the lab, thriving, dividing into multiple cells, enduring the beginning stages of life. The first five days of their existence, if you will, is not spent in the natural, warm environment of my uterus, but in a temperature-controlled, strictly monitored lab.

The way God intended for man and woman to procreate is so perfect and beautiful, but our way of having our future child is in no way any less perfect or beautiful. Each appointment at RSC has proven to me just how beautiful the process really is - each day revealing to me just how clever and intelligent our God is. How every little detail of our bodies is hand crafted by Him, molded for a specific purpose.

So, where does the news of the 16 embryos leave us? Well, it means we are definitely going to have a day 5 transfer on Wednesday. Yippee! The doctor who called in the report said that generally 50% of the embryos are expected to make it until day 5, so it's a good possibility that we will have 8 embryos to choose from, leaving the remaining ones available for freezing as an insurance policy in case our first round of IVF doesn't work or to use in the future to further expand our family, should Aaron's sperm qualify remain the same.

The next few days will reveal to us the stronger embryos. All the little guys are going to continue growing and the cells will continue to divide. However, some will stop growing altogether or the cells will divide abnormally. But, some will continue to grow, and of those that make it to day 5, Dr. Weckstein and the embryologists will choose which one(s) are the chosen ones. The ones that will be transferred. The ones that will become our babies! I can't wait to see them on Wednesday!

New Routine

I'm thankful to be done with the stimulation injections. Now, I just have to remember to take all my pills. However, I still have the Progesterone injection to deal with. Yikes!

I had my first one last night and it really wasn't that bad at all for me. Aaron had such a hard time, though. He was shaking afterwards! But, I just iced the target on the back of my upper hip, took the weight off that side of my body, hunched over and prayed. The ice really did numb up the area that I practically felt the needle go in. Aaron, on the other hand, was a wreck, but I know he'll get better as time continues.

After Aaron pierces my skin, he has to withdraw the syringe a little to see if blood flows in. If so, that means he hit a blood vessel and he has to stab me in a new spot. If no blood, then we're in the clear and he can inject the medicine. Fun, right?

My side is really sore this morning, but I was told to expect that.

After prepping the Progesterone shot, Aaron immediately wanted to climb under a rock. I really don't know what's worse - giving or receiving the shot. I think I'd have a hard time sticking that big of needle into somebody! Aaron's been such a trooper, though! :)

Oh my word, no wonder I'm sore!

Look at all those needles I've used. I was given a special container to dispose the used needles in. It sure is filling up quickly.

Last, but surely not any less important, are all the pills I'm popping now. Thank goodness RSC provided a graph as to when to take what because otherwise it'd be very easy to mess up. :)

That's it for now. My doctor called with our fertilization report in the middle of writing this blog post, but I will share the results with you in my next post. :)

Day of Conception

Today is officially the day Aaron and I "conceive." Today Aaron's sperm penetrate my eggs (through ICSI) and conception occurs. As I type this, the embryologists are in the lab creating this union and monitoring for fertilization.

Instead of my egg being released naturally through ovulation and Aaron's sperm naturally finding the awaiting oocyte, the doctors and embryologists are taking care of all that in the lab. It's like a baby-making factory! Fertilization is occurring TODAY! Right this second, in fact! That makes me so excited! :)

There was an embryologist assistant in the operation room who, literally, took the eggs as they were retrieved, much like how a nurse is there waiting for the baby as he/she is delivered. Of course, I don't remember any of the retrieval. I just remember my nurse introducing me to everyone in the room who would be having a part in the procedure. After the introductions, I felt the anesthesia taking effect and before I knew it, 30 minutes had passed and I was back in the recovery area confused, emotional and incoherent.

I was told I was babbling in my sleep throughout the entire retrieval. I hope I didn't say anything bad! LOL!!!

After retrieval, I cried a lot and asked the same questions over and over again. Aaron just held my hand and helped me through such a vulnerable state. It didn't take long for me to regain my coherency and once the nurse felt I was at a point to be able to retain and understand information, she had Dr. Weckstein come in with the results.

Prior to the procedure, he told me he was hoping to retrieve 10 to 12 eggs, because if you remember, only 8 of my eggs were mature at my last sonogram a couple days ago.

Well, 19 eggs were retrieved!!! WOO HOO!!! :)

Dr. Weckstein told me that with that amount retrieved, he can almost guarantee a 5-day blastocyst transfer (which has proven to have better success rates than 3-day transfers). He also said, verbatim, "You have the highest chance of success that I can give anybody."

I'll take it!

Today, I will start a new routine of medication. Dr. Weckstein wants me to take:

• 16mg of Medrol;
• 100mg of Doxycycline (twice a day);
• 2mg of Estrace (twice a day);
• 81mg of Aspirin and Prenatal Vitamin; and
• The dreaded Progesterone injection.

The nurse drew targets on each of my hips where Aaron has to inject me with the massive Progesterone needle. Or, he can pretend the needle is a dart and throw it at the target. :)

This needle is the mother of all needles. All my prior injections are a piece of cake compared to this monstrosity. And, to top it off, it takes a good 15 to 20 seconds to inject all of the medicine. NOT looking forward to this night after night, but it's a small price to pay for the end product.

Honeymoon Suite without the Honeymoon

We made it to Hotel Sierra and let me tell you...this is the nicest hotel we've ever set foot in! It's super fancy, overly detailed, and incredibly suave. You can't expect anything less from a ritzy infertility clinic, though. :)

We have to be at the clinic tomorrow morning at 7:00 to prepare for my 8:00 sharp egg retrieval. I'm very grateful we won't have to make the early drive in the fog tomorrow. RSC is literally a hop, skip and jump away from the hotel.

Being in this really nice hotel without Ella makes me feel guilty for not enjoying ourselves more. One would think we'd enjoy this mini-vaca away from reality with just the two of us, but such is not the case. An overnight stay in a ritzy hotel alone should be a time for some lovin', but nope!

Instead, Aaron has a really bad cold with a 100-degree temperature, and I, well, I have never felt so bloated before in my life! I have this constant pressure in my lower abdomen where I literally feel like I'm going to explode. I cannot bend down or stand of quickly. If I do, I feel super sharp pain in both ovaries. Luckily my boss is understanding, because I worked all day in sweats today. It was either that or unbuttoned pants! :)

My dad has been jokingly referring to my follicles as icicles, always asking how my icicles are doing. It's funny because, really, I do feel like the ice queen. I have been so snappy towards Aaron, more so than any other time during our marriage. I'm not going to place all the blame on the drugs anymore. I think it's more nerves now, than anything. I'm nervous for tomorrow's procedure. I'm nervous to find out how many eggs will successfully fertilize with Aaron's sperm, and how good of quality our embryos will be. I'm nervous for the egg transfer next week. And, most of all, I'm nervous that our dreams of parenting another child will not be answered with IVF.

But...

Worrying is the opposite of having faith. And faith is what I am holding onto tonight in preparation for tomorrow's procedure. And faith is what I will continue to hold onto until we are told the three most beautiful words. No, not "I love you" (although everybody enjoys hearing that).

But instead, "You are pregnant." :)

Trigger Tonight!

Egg retrieval is a go for Friday morning at 8:00 a.m. sharp, which means tonight is my trigger shot at 8:00 p.m. sharp. Yay!!!

For those of you who don't know, the trigger shot is a shot of HCG, which mimics the LH in a woman's body. LH is the hormone that makes a woman's body ovulate, thus, the trigger shot is going to prepare the body for ovulation.

So, the trigger shot will complete the maturation of my eggs and, right before they ovulate on their own, Dr. Weckstein will go in and retrieve them, which is why the timing of the trigger shot and egg retrieval is so time sensitive. If a few extra hours pass, my body could start ovulating on its own and I'd lose all those good eggs. We obviously can't have that!

As for the results of today's sonogram (my very last one)!

(Drum roll please).

I have 32 follicles!!! I can't believe it! I am miserably bloated and reached a new point of discomfort, so I knew there was a lot going on this past day, but I didn't think that much!

I have 17 follicles on my right side (up 12 from yesterday!), with my largest measuring at 21mm.

I have 15 follicles on my left side (up 11 from yesterday), with my largest measuring at 19mm. I'm really happy to see my left ovary had a strong finish, almost catching up with my right. :)

In total, I have 8 mature follicles right now, with a handful of them almost mature. I was told those would definitely mature after the trigger shot.

Also, just because I will no longer be stimulating my ovaries with the injections, my follicles will still continue to grow, just not at such a rapid pace. My nurse described it as taking my foot off the gas pedal. I'm still moving forward, just not as fast. My body doesn't stop cold turkey and my follicles surely don't remain the same sizes until Friday. A lot of my follicles will reach maturity by Friday's egg retrieval.

I still have quite a few that are in the lower end (like 10mm) that likely won't reach maturity, but Dr. Weckstein will still retrieve them and try to get them to fertilize with Aaron's sperm. He won't let anything go to waste!

Generally, Dr. Weckstein likes to see at least 25% or more of the eggs reach maturity before committing to the egg retrieval. And, if you do the math, 8 is exactly 25% of 32. :)

So, you can imagine I've very excited for the egg retrieval! I'm excited to get these little guys out of me and into the lab where I pray some cell-growing, baby-making magic happens. :)

And, to top off the awesomeness of RSC, because we live pretty far away (1-1/2 hours, depending on traffic), they offered a courtesy stay at a nearby hotel for free, as a part of our IVF package. Because Aaron and I will have to be at the office by 7:00 in the morning to prep for the egg retrieval, they have booked us a stay at Hotel Sierra right down the street. All arrangements have been made, all we have to do is show up!

Photo courtesy of www.hotel-sierra.com.

The only downfall is I will be away from my Ella Bella for the night, and however pathetic it sounds, I will miss her so much, but I know she will be in good hands staying with my parents.

Egg Retrieval Postponed

Well, it looks like my egg retrieval will not be on Thursday. After today's sonogram and blood work, Dr. Weckstein is thinking Friday will be the day, but he's even possibly considering Saturday at this point!

Today's sonogram revealed two more follicles. Of those few follicles that were too small to measure yesterday, a couple of them grew overnight. Yay!

I still have 12 follicles on my winning (right) side, with a few having already reached 18mm, 19mm and even 20mm, but with most being 16mm or below.

I now have 11 follicles (up from 9 at yesterday's sonogram) on my left side. I have one follicle that was mature, but most measured as immature, with some even being as small as 8mm to 10mm. This is, by far, my less impressive ovary.

Because I only have a handful of follicles that are mature today, Dr. Weckstein thinks I need another day (at least) of injections. Yesterday he said he'd likely have to tinker with the dosages because of my estrogen level, but I guess he's not too concerned anymore because he prescribed me the same dosage for tonight's shots.

My estrogen level jumped from 1,787 yesterday to 2,789 today!!! That's a huge (and good) increase. It shows that my body is really responding to the stimulation injections and that my ovaries are hard at work.

The blood estradiol measurement is a reflection of the amount and size of the follicles, so obviously my stimulated ovaries are very, very busy! Generally, an estradiol level anywhere between 1,000 and 5,000 is good at the time of the egg retrieval, and it varies for each woman's body and her follicular growth.

To give you perspective, if you remember my baseline sonogram / E2 blood test before I started my stimulation injections, Lupron had suppressed my ovaries and dropped my estradiol level to 32. So yeah, 2,789 is a very big increase, to say the least.

Lots of crazy transformations going on in my body right now, and I'm just along for the ride. :)

On another note, Dr. Weckstein rocks! Why, you might ask, other than the fact that he's going to give me a baby? Well, let me share with you. :)

I am completely out of Menopur! Last night was day 10 of injections, and only 10 days' worth of injections was ordered for me. Luckily, the Follistim vials all had extra, and after the nurse combined it all into one vial, I have 625 IU leftover. More than enough!

But, I am fresh out of Menopur. Not a single speck of powder is left. When Dr. Weckstein asked me during yesterday's phone conversation if I had enough for an extra night and when I told him I didn't, he offered an extra night's supply to me FOR FREE! That saves us at least $70! Isn't that the nicest gesture? Now, if he makes me pregnant, I seriously think I'll love him. Like, the real thing. Hopefully Aaron won't mind sharing my heart with another man. (Just kidding, honey, you're my one and only!). :)

So, if you have a calendar in front of you, you will be able to see that two weeks from Friday is Christmas Eve. Which then means, two weeks from Saturday is Christmas Day. Now, I'm not telling you this to bring to your attention that the clock is ticking and there are only a couple more weeks to get all your shopping done. I'm telling you this because it means that my blood test...you know, the blood test to determine if I'm pregnant...will either be done on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day!

This could be amazing timing, all a part of God's beautiful plan for Him revealing to us that we're pregnant. Or, it could be absolutely awful timing, also a part of God's beautiful plan, because He knows how badly I would need His comforting embrace during that time.

Of course, I'm praying with all my heart for the former situation to play out. God hears my prayers. He knows my heart. I just have to confidently allow Him to control what is His. My future child(ren)'s lives are in His hands.

Over Two Dozen Eggs

Today's sonogram revealed even more follicles!

I have 12 follicles on my right side (up from 11 at my last sonogram) and 9 follicles on my left side (up from 7 at my last sonogram). However, the ultrasound tech saw at least 4 follicles that were on the smaller end, like 8mm, that she didn't count.

So, she told me I have 21 follicles, not including those smaller ones, in total. Her words, "You've got at least a couple dozen eggs in there."

Woo hoo!!! :)

I need two of these bad boys to hold all my eggs! LOL!

Photo courtesy of Goggle Images.

However, of all those follicles, only 3 were mature. Meaning, only 3 of them were 16mm or bigger and would be ready for retrieval. Most of the follicles were 12mm to 15mm, almost to the point of maturity, but not quite there yet. And, if you remember, Dr. Weckstein wants a majority of my eggs 18mm or bigger.

My follicles looked somewhat like this picture depicts. Most have tripled in size since my first monitoring sonogram.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

And, since I've been giving analogies comparing the size of my follicles on the screen to food (first, to chocolate M&Ms, then to peanut M&Ms), I figured I'd continue with that. :)

I will tell you that now, I have a vineyard in my ovaries. That's right! I've got clusters of grape-sized follicles ready for pickin' and baby-makin'.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

So, where does that leave me?

In limbo!

I have another sonogram scheduled tomorrow morning, and Dr. Weckstein said he will decide on when to do the egg retrieval (either Thursday or Friday) based on the what he sees then.

He reassured me that "everything looks absolutely perfect." Ah, music to my ears!

He said my estrogen levels are really high, which is where he wants them to be, but that if he decides to delay the egg retrieval by a day, he doesn't really want to see it climb too much higher, so he would have to tinker with my dosage amounts.

In the meantime, he wants to keep me at the same dosages - 5 IU of Lupron, 150 IU of Follistm and 75 IU of Menopur - for tonight's injections. I was really hoping tonight would be the last time I see those shots, and it very well might be, but I won't know until tomorrow.

More waiting! I have to get used to this waiting game, though, because after the egg retrieval, it's a waiting game to find out the fertilization report, then to find out if I will have a Day 3 or Day 5 Transfer, and then the infamous two-week wait to find out if I'm pregnant.

But, as my mom has been kindly reminding me, "Take each day as it comes."

So, today, I am happy with the results. I have growing follicles and estrogen level, which is exactly where I need to be today. Tomorrow will hold it's own worries / successes / news, and until tomorrow comes, I will only focus on today. Sound advice that only a mom can give. :)

I'm A Lean, Mean, Fighting Machine

Wait, that's not right.

It's more like, I'm a not-so-lean, but very mean, follicle-growing machine! Yeah, that's more like it. I'm an uncomfortably bloated, incredibly irrational, overly emotional, baby driven machine solely running on hope.

My sonogram and blood work went well today! I'm thankful Aaron got to make the drive with me because it was raining, and if you remember my tense driving conditions, it's a good thing he drove me there. :)

I'm also glad he was able to go because he was able to catch a glimpse into this baby-making process. This will be the only sonogram he'll be able to make it to. The first (and only) peek of my growing follicles, but hey, now he knows that when I say I'm feeling bloated and crampy, I mean it!

I also can't tell you how reassuring it is to see the injections are working. Even though we're overly cautious when measuring the dosages and strategically alternating where to stab me, we can't help but wonder if we're doing it right. We aren't nurses, and we surely aren't doctors!

Luckily, we are doing the injections correctly and my body is responding wonderfully to the medicine! Woo hoo!!!

And now, I have 4 more follicles to show for it...18 in all! :)

I have 11 follicles on my right side (up from 8 at my last sonogram), with the leading one being sized at 13mm. And, I have 7 follicles on my left side (up from 6). Most follicles are ranging from 9 to 12mm.

When watching the ultrasound tech carefully measure each follicle, talking to me about what she sees, my mind can't help but wander. I start thinking that one or two of those now bigger black M&Ms (they are now peanut sized, instead of regular chocolate!) are the follicles that hold the egg(s) that will soon be retrieved that will fertilize with one or two of Aaron's 1% of normal shaped, healthy sperm that will create the embryo(s) that will become our family.

When I look at the sonogram screen, my mind can't help but wander to the fact that I'm witnessing the beginning of a miracle. I'm observing the first steps of our growing family, steps that are never usually seen that happen naturally in women's bodies everyday, but steps that I get the privilege of watching progress with each appointment.

As for my next sonogram, it is scheduled for Monday morning. Because my estrodial level is increasing in my blood (I didn't get the actual number from the nurse, but she says it's spot on) and my follicles are getting bigger, I have to be more closely monitored.

Dr. Weckstein believes we will see that my 13mm follicle will reach maturity by Monday's sonogram. In order to reach maturity, the follicle has to be at least 16mm in size. However, we are going to have to wait for the rest of the gang to catch up, so even though that one would be ready for retrieval, the rest of my follies need to grow a little bit more.

The nurse also explained that I will be having my pre-op appointment on Monday for the egg retrieval. Yikes! She said there is a good chance that I will see the last of my stimulation injections Monday night. Can I get a HALLELUJAH!?!? Then, Tuesday night, Aaron would give me the trigger shot to prepare my body for the egg retrieval, which would then be scheduled first thing Thursday morning.

Of course, there is a chance that I will need one more night of stimulation injections, postponing everything by a day. Either way, we will be retrieving the eggs this coming week and those eggs will be fertilized, through ICSI, with Aaron's sperm and we will be that much closer to being pregnant. :)

So, needless to say, my body is absorbing the medicine just as it should, which is why Dr. Weckstein wants me to remain on the same dosage of 75 IU Menopur and 150 IU Follistim. Here's to adding to my already bruised lower abdomen! :)