Indefinitely Postpone My FET

I haven't posted in awhile simply because I'm in a place. I'm sure most infertile women know this place and some might even visit often. It's the place of self-pity. A place where "Why me?" and "When will it be my turn?" are repeatedly questioned. A place where my worries, anxieties and stress outweigh my hope, determination and faith.

And even though I have the opportunity of a lifetime next month to transfer 3 beautiful blastocysts (2 of which are hatching out of their shells), I am scared out of my mind. Stress is squeezing every ounce of hope out of my being.

I am so scared to the point that I want to indefinitely postpone my FET. Seriously! I want to forever hold onto the hope those three frozen embryos give me. Once they are transferred, I have no back-up to ease my worry in case our FET doesn't work. But, right now, I have them and I don't want to lose them. I don't want my body to reject them like they did their "brother and sister." I don't want for us to go through all of this only to come out empty-handed (or should I say empty-wombed?).

I told Aaron today that maybe we should wait another month, but he is encouraging me otherwise. He told me that he doesn't think I'll every 100% be ready. And, I know he's right. I have days where I think I'm ready, but most days I'm so very scared.

Our IVF cycle and now our FET cycle have left us with a huge chunk of debt of which we are making nearly $300/month payments on...for the next 6 years! To me, though, that's a really small price to pay to make our dreams come true and make Ella a big sister, but the problem is there is no guarantee. We can do this FET, and even though my doctor said we will have a 70% go 75% chance it'll work (even better than the 66% statistic because we will be transferring three embryos), there is still that 25% to 30% chance that it won't work! And then what? All that debt for absolutely nothing and we start from square one again, but this time, thousands and thousands of dollars poorer.

It goes without saying, but this obviously adds to the stress. Stress I wish I didn't have, but there nonetheless. Finances have a way of making any matter worse, don't they? :(

Well, I'm ovulating today, so maybe...just maybe...all of this stress will be for nothing! Wouldn't God reveal a serious sense of humor in blessing us with a baby right now? So, like I've said time and time again...I can't help but try because when you want something so bad, you're willing to do the impossible.

Could I be pregnant? Nah!!!

I'm on CD (cycle day) 32. That may not seem like a big deal, but my cycles are like clockwork, ranging from 28 to 29 days. No joke! I'm one of those very luck women with very predictable cycles. So, my tardiness leaves me a bit confused.

I noticed I ovulated on CD 12 this cycle, as opposed to the typical CD 14. So, technically, if I had ovulated "on time," I'd only be a couple days late right now, but I'm almost completely positive I ovulated two days early, and despite being told that we will likely never conceive on our own, Aaron and I can't help but try. When you want something so bad, you're willing to try the impossible.

So, we...you know...had timed intercourse.

Which then leads me to the question in my title. Could I possibly be pregnant???

All those drugs I had in my system the last two months could easily mess with my system. I know that. My doctor didn't warn me about having a wacky cycle following my unsuccessful IVF cycle, but I'm assuming that is what's going on here.

So, I'm hoping some women who have gone through a failed IVF cycle can relay their experience to me. Did you have an unpredictable cycle following IVF? Am I completely absurd to even consider the possibility (albeit, the size of a wart on a flea's face) that I'm pregnant? :)

I guess I always have hope. Even when I shouldn't.