December 24, 2010 left me with a broken heart. The tears that came after I received the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful were the most painful I cried. Ever.
I had never felt so much darkness.
A part of me crumbled that day, and admittedly, I don't think I will ever fully heal.
Words will never be able to fully describe the fall I experienced that day. I try to put words to the emotions I felt, and still feel, but nothing seems to give enough justice.
And, even though so much happiness was brought into my life when I became pregnant with Tristan, our failed IVF still haunts me, and I didn't realize exactly how much until this morning.
I cried this morning. A lot.
The tears started out as sad tears as I remembered the whirlwind of emotions we went through on this very day last year. The complete devastation leaving us collapsed in defeat.
But, then I looked down at my sleeping baby boy in my arms, and my tears shifted to happy tears of thankfulness. My gosh, I am so thankful that the second go-around with our FET brought us Tristan, who is proving to be the perfect little man for our family. He is exactly what all three of us have prayed so long for.
My observant and empathetic daughter quickly noticed the tears streaming down my cheeks this morning.
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
I explained to her why. (We have been very honest with her about our journey to having a baby).
And, her response was one beyond her short five years of life. She said, verbatim (I quickly wrote it down so I wouldn't forget), "We choose to have a baby, but God decides when. We choose the name, but God says when it's okay to have the baby."
Wow.
I have the smartest, sweetest, most caring little girl, who is going to be the most amazing role model for her baby brother.
Christmas Eve 2010 will always be a day I look back on with sadness. That day will forever carry unimaginable grief, irreparable darkness and crushed defeat, culminating all the time and tears invested in conceiving a second child.
But!
Christmas Day 2011 is going to be a day I will look back on with so much clarity and happiness. I have longed for the Christmas morning I can wake up to with another member of this family, and I simply cannot wait to celebrate our first Christmas as a family of four. It's going to be such a joyful day!
God has brought light into my life where there was once darkness. Tristan is that light. He is my little beacon of hope.
Just as 2011 years ago, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, brought so much joy, peace and hope to this world, this year I get to not only celebrate Jesus' birthday, but that of my own son, who has brought so much joy, peace and hope into my world.
Showing posts with label FET. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FET. Show all posts
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
7dp6dt Symptoms and Hope
Well, the week is slowly dwindling away and Saturday is fast approaching (but not fast enough, mind you!).
I figured you all might want to read an update on my symptoms (exciting stuff, right?).
Beginning yesterday (6dp6dt), the severity of my period-like cramps dropped. I mean, the dull ache is still very much there, but the type of pain/discomfort shifted from the pain of an impending period to a fullness, with occasionally sharp twinges on both sides (around my pelvic area). And when I say sharp twinges, I mean, stop me in my tracks and wait for it to pass, pain. I remember feeling similar pains when in my early pregnancy with Ella. :)
Today I have experienced the similar fullness. I feel extremely bloated and I can't suck in my stomach to hide the appearance of such discomfort. I mean, I already have a belly (I am by no means a skinny chick), but my belly is already looking rounder. Obviously, I cannot possibly look pregnant yet, but my insides are surely indicating to me that I am! :)
And, even if I don't look different, my insides are making me feel like this...
So, that is where I stand with symptoms. I am probably coming across very hopeful to most of you, and honestly, that is because I really am. I'm hopeful for Saturday's beta to reveal to me that I'm pregnant.
I figured you all might want to read an update on my symptoms (exciting stuff, right?).
Beginning yesterday (6dp6dt), the severity of my period-like cramps dropped. I mean, the dull ache is still very much there, but the type of pain/discomfort shifted from the pain of an impending period to a fullness, with occasionally sharp twinges on both sides (around my pelvic area). And when I say sharp twinges, I mean, stop me in my tracks and wait for it to pass, pain. I remember feeling similar pains when in my early pregnancy with Ella. :)
Today I have experienced the similar fullness. I feel extremely bloated and I can't suck in my stomach to hide the appearance of such discomfort. I mean, I already have a belly (I am by no means a skinny chick), but my belly is already looking rounder. Obviously, I cannot possibly look pregnant yet, but my insides are surely indicating to me that I am! :)
And, even if I don't look different, my insides are making me feel like this...
Photo courtesy of Google Images.
So, that is where I stand with symptoms. I am probably coming across very hopeful to most of you, and honestly, that is because I really am. I'm hopeful for Saturday's beta to reveal to me that I'm pregnant.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
My Daily Reminder
We have a fun whiteboard in our kitchen. I spiced the plain black frame up with fun family-oriented stickers. Here's a few:
Usually this whiteboard is filled with Bible verses, daily reminders (like which butt cheek gets the PIO that night), important appointments, or, Aaron's favorite, "Honey do" lists. We look at it everyday, and since putting it up like six months ago, Aaron and I have remembered more and forgotten less. Always a good thing! :)
This week, though, I only needed one reminder. A very big reminder, at that. And that is to...
This is the only reminder I needed this past week and still need as Saturday ever-so-slowly approaches.
So quickly I psych myself out into thinking my body failed me again.
So quickly I throw myself out of the game, not giving myself a fair chance.
So quickly I label the cramps as PMS cramps, without considering that they could in fact be early pregnancy cramps.
So quickly I shed tears of sadness and despair when, really, if I wait a couple days I'll be able to shed tears of pure and utter happiness.
Seeing this huge reminder to keep the faith tells me to be slower to assume such "truths." I have to admit, it has helped seeing this daily reminder.
I also have the picture of my two babies as my cellphone wallpaper with the same encouragement to keep the faith.
And, then, one's gotta ask why go through all of this? Why spend thousands and thousands of dollars when there's a chance of not getting pregnant? Why waste all that money and invest so much time and emotions on a gamble?
The answer is easy, really. When in a dark place of doubt, I just have to look at Ella and be instantly reminded of why we're doing this. For there is no greater joy than creating life...a baby. And, I have faith that life is being created within my womb as I type this. Even though science was what infused my egg with Aaron's sperm, God's watchful eye was mindfully aware of every last detail, from which eggs matured to which of Aaron's millions of sperm would be the chosen ones. From which cluster of cells would successfully divide to which ones would be strong enough to freeze and thaw.
And when I see Ella's eyes, her hair, her complexion, her stubbornness (definitely me!), her athleticism (definitely Aaron!), her voice, her toes, her belly button, her long legs, her chunky arms, her baby hairs, her teeth spacing, her quiet demeanor...I see Aaron and I see me. And there is no greater, more rewarding joy in the entire world than to witness the miracle of life, knowing the life created is a result of your own.
Usually this whiteboard is filled with Bible verses, daily reminders (like which butt cheek gets the PIO that night), important appointments, or, Aaron's favorite, "Honey do" lists. We look at it everyday, and since putting it up like six months ago, Aaron and I have remembered more and forgotten less. Always a good thing! :)
This week, though, I only needed one reminder. A very big reminder, at that. And that is to...
KEEP THE FAITH!
This is the only reminder I needed this past week and still need as Saturday ever-so-slowly approaches.
So quickly I psych myself out into thinking my body failed me again.
So quickly I throw myself out of the game, not giving myself a fair chance.
So quickly I label the cramps as PMS cramps, without considering that they could in fact be early pregnancy cramps.
So quickly I shed tears of sadness and despair when, really, if I wait a couple days I'll be able to shed tears of pure and utter happiness.
Seeing this huge reminder to keep the faith tells me to be slower to assume such "truths." I have to admit, it has helped seeing this daily reminder.
I also have the picture of my two babies as my cellphone wallpaper with the same encouragement to keep the faith.
And, then, one's gotta ask why go through all of this? Why spend thousands and thousands of dollars when there's a chance of not getting pregnant? Why waste all that money and invest so much time and emotions on a gamble?
The answer is easy, really. When in a dark place of doubt, I just have to look at Ella and be instantly reminded of why we're doing this. For there is no greater joy than creating life...a baby. And, I have faith that life is being created within my womb as I type this. Even though science was what infused my egg with Aaron's sperm, God's watchful eye was mindfully aware of every last detail, from which eggs matured to which of Aaron's millions of sperm would be the chosen ones. From which cluster of cells would successfully divide to which ones would be strong enough to freeze and thaw.
And when I see Ella's eyes, her hair, her complexion, her stubbornness (definitely me!), her athleticism (definitely Aaron!), her voice, her toes, her belly button, her long legs, her chunky arms, her baby hairs, her teeth spacing, her quiet demeanor...I see Aaron and I see me. And there is no greater, more rewarding joy in the entire world than to witness the miracle of life, knowing the life created is a result of your own.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
How can it not work?
Well, I am now 5dp6dt. Over halfway there!
My cramping is still very much there. I have definitely decided it is far worse this time around than with my IVF cycle. It makes me so nervous, but, really, I cannot trust anything my body is throwing at me with the amount of medication I'm on. And, there have been many women who have undergone IVF or FET cycles who claim the same symptoms and are now with child (or in some cases, children).
I can be pregnant, but I can also not be. It can go either way.
At this point, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.
But, this morning I started thinking, "How can this not work?"
I mean, seriously! How can I not get pregnant from this???
My clinic has a 65.9% success rate for FET. That's remarkably high!
I transferred two beautiful blastocysts, one of which was graded 5AA.
YOU CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN 5AA!!!
The transfer was absolutely flawless.
How can this not work???
Please, God, let this work.
My cramping is still very much there. I have definitely decided it is far worse this time around than with my IVF cycle. It makes me so nervous, but, really, I cannot trust anything my body is throwing at me with the amount of medication I'm on. And, there have been many women who have undergone IVF or FET cycles who claim the same symptoms and are now with child (or in some cases, children).
I can be pregnant, but I can also not be. It can go either way.
At this point, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.
But, this morning I started thinking, "How can this not work?"
I mean, seriously! How can I not get pregnant from this???
My clinic has a 65.9% success rate for FET. That's remarkably high!
I transferred two beautiful blastocysts, one of which was graded 5AA.
YOU CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN 5AA!!!
The transfer was absolutely flawless.
How can this not work???
Please, God, let this work.
Monday, March 28, 2011
4dp6dt Update
After 4 days of rest, I headed back to work today. My job isn't physically demanding or anything. I work as a paralegal at a law office, so I sit at my computer most of the time.
My cramping comes and goes. One minute it feels as if my period will start, but then the next I simply feel a pulling fullness down there. I'm trying to remain optimistic and not focus on it, but gosh, that's pretty much impossible. The cramping is seemingly worse this cycle. That could be a good or a bad thing. I'm praying it's our two bundles of joy snuggling deep inside.
I'm faithfully optimistic, but I'm also painfully realistic. So, my days have pretty much been a battle between the two. :)
I lost track of how many times I have prayed over these babies. I laid in bed last night with tears in my eyes, my hands on my lower belly, just praying. Praying with every ounce of my being. Praying with all of my heart for God to keep these babies safe inside me. Even though they are inside me, their future is out of my hands. Whether they are the ones that will make Ella a big sister is up to God.
On a happy note, the migraine I had the past few days has finally subsided. I don't know what that was all about, but it's either related to a) not drinking my morning dose of caffeine or b) my awful PIO injections. I remember with my IVF cycle, I had excruciating headaches during the latter part of my 9-day wait, so it's likely the same cause as before.
I guess there is really nothing else to report. Just taking the wait one day at a time. Better yet...one minute at a time. Because, honestly, my hope comes and goes in the blink of an eye.
Speaking of which, while driving Ella to school this morning, one of our family's favorite songs, "Blink" by Revive came on the radio, and little Miss Ella just sang her heart out in the back seat. I pulled up at Ella's school sobbing. Thankfully Ella couldn't see. :)
It pains my heart to think how quickly time is passing by. How quickly all our days have become our yesterdays while we are all guilty of being too focused on our tomorrows. Even now, I'm so focused on Saturday's beta that the next few days are nothing but a means to get to my pregnancy test. There is a lot of wonderfulness I'll miss if I do that.
My cramping comes and goes. One minute it feels as if my period will start, but then the next I simply feel a pulling fullness down there. I'm trying to remain optimistic and not focus on it, but gosh, that's pretty much impossible. The cramping is seemingly worse this cycle. That could be a good or a bad thing. I'm praying it's our two bundles of joy snuggling deep inside.
I'm faithfully optimistic, but I'm also painfully realistic. So, my days have pretty much been a battle between the two. :)
I lost track of how many times I have prayed over these babies. I laid in bed last night with tears in my eyes, my hands on my lower belly, just praying. Praying with every ounce of my being. Praying with all of my heart for God to keep these babies safe inside me. Even though they are inside me, their future is out of my hands. Whether they are the ones that will make Ella a big sister is up to God.
On a happy note, the migraine I had the past few days has finally subsided. I don't know what that was all about, but it's either related to a) not drinking my morning dose of caffeine or b) my awful PIO injections. I remember with my IVF cycle, I had excruciating headaches during the latter part of my 9-day wait, so it's likely the same cause as before.
I guess there is really nothing else to report. Just taking the wait one day at a time. Better yet...one minute at a time. Because, honestly, my hope comes and goes in the blink of an eye.
Speaking of which, while driving Ella to school this morning, one of our family's favorite songs, "Blink" by Revive came on the radio, and little Miss Ella just sang her heart out in the back seat. I pulled up at Ella's school sobbing. Thankfully Ella couldn't see. :)
It pains my heart to think how quickly time is passing by. How quickly all our days have become our yesterdays while we are all guilty of being too focused on our tomorrows. Even now, I'm so focused on Saturday's beta that the next few days are nothing but a means to get to my pregnancy test. There is a lot of wonderfulness I'll miss if I do that.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Bad Things Happen in Threes
You know the saying that bad things happen in threes?
Well, I'd like to think the same can be true for good things.
The past few weeks have been filled with good news.
First, on February 28th we found out that Aaron passed the RICA (Reading Instruction Competence Assessment). This test has proven to be quite difficult for not only Aaron to pass, but lots of teachers new to the field. It's a new requirement for all California teachers in order to earn their credential, and after many failed attempts and more money than we care to admit spent on this sucker, Aaron passed it!
If he was not successful in passing this test, he would not have been able to earn his credential and therefore not be eligible to teach next year. The past two years he has taught under an internship credential, which is only good for two years. All other prerequisites had been met to qualify him for his credential but this darn test, so we were on pins and needles until we were able to shout for joy on February 28th.
So...good news #1 is that Aaron has a teaching job next year! That is good news indeed! :)
Second, on March 8th, we found out that Ella got into Walnut Elementary School. (You likely remember reading about this wonderful day, but if you didn't, feel free to click HERE).
So...good news #2 is that Ella gets to go to the best school for kindergarten and her elementary school years (until we move back to Oregon, that is).
That then leaves me to what good news #3 is. You can likely guess what we're praying it is.
After all, if bad things can happen in threes...so can good! So, we're holding out hope that our third good thing will come on April 2nd. :)
But, I can't say that this cramping doesn't leave me feeling discouraged, though, and after looking back on my IVF cycle in December, I read that I started feeling PMS crampiness at 3dp5dt. I'm feeling the exact same way as last time and it absolutely breaks my heart. Granted, I had that mild spotting incident last time, but everything else checks out to be the same.
I am trying my hardest to continue holding onto that confidence that this FET worked, but it's getting harder to be so absolute in my certainty.
I know one thing I am absolute in, though...and that is that I'm an absolute mess! :)
Well, I'd like to think the same can be true for good things.
The past few weeks have been filled with good news.
First, on February 28th we found out that Aaron passed the RICA (Reading Instruction Competence Assessment). This test has proven to be quite difficult for not only Aaron to pass, but lots of teachers new to the field. It's a new requirement for all California teachers in order to earn their credential, and after many failed attempts and more money than we care to admit spent on this sucker, Aaron passed it!
If he was not successful in passing this test, he would not have been able to earn his credential and therefore not be eligible to teach next year. The past two years he has taught under an internship credential, which is only good for two years. All other prerequisites had been met to qualify him for his credential but this darn test, so we were on pins and needles until we were able to shout for joy on February 28th.
So...good news #1 is that Aaron has a teaching job next year! That is good news indeed! :)
Second, on March 8th, we found out that Ella got into Walnut Elementary School. (You likely remember reading about this wonderful day, but if you didn't, feel free to click HERE).
So...good news #2 is that Ella gets to go to the best school for kindergarten and her elementary school years (until we move back to Oregon, that is).
That then leaves me to what good news #3 is. You can likely guess what we're praying it is.
After all, if bad things can happen in threes...so can good! So, we're holding out hope that our third good thing will come on April 2nd. :)
But, I can't say that this cramping doesn't leave me feeling discouraged, though, and after looking back on my IVF cycle in December, I read that I started feeling PMS crampiness at 3dp5dt. I'm feeling the exact same way as last time and it absolutely breaks my heart. Granted, I had that mild spotting incident last time, but everything else checks out to be the same.
I am trying my hardest to continue holding onto that confidence that this FET worked, but it's getting harder to be so absolute in my certainty.
I know one thing I am absolute in, though...and that is that I'm an absolute mess! :)
Photo courtesy of Google Images.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Seeds Are Planted
I explained to Ella that Mommy and Daddy were going to the doctor to have a baby put into Mommy's belly. Last time that explanation worked. In December, she accepted that explanation and no further questions were asked.
Unfortunately, we weren't three for three yesterday. One of our embryos didn't make it through the thawing process. Dr. Weckstein explained that only the best embryos survive the thaw, and a morula (a blastocyst that is not as far along in development) commonly doesn't make it. So, our morula embryo (the one graded 2AB) did not survive.
This time, however, she asked how the doctor does that.
So, after choosing my words carefully and in a truthful, yet harmless, way she'll understand, I told her that seeds would be planted.
"Oooooooh." She accepted that explanation. :)
Unfortunately, we weren't three for three yesterday. One of our embryos didn't make it through the thawing process. Dr. Weckstein explained that only the best embryos survive the thaw, and a morula (a blastocyst that is not as far along in development) commonly doesn't make it. So, our morula embryo (the one graded 2AB) did not survive.
Of course, a part of me is sad because that was one of our babies, ya know?
But, another part of me (a bigger part of me) is absolutely okay with it. I still had two wonderful blastocysts to transfer, one of which was hatching out of its shell, and by hatching, I mean completely bursting out of it! (Take a look for yourself!).
As you can see, thawed embryos look much different than fresh embryos. The cells shrivel up like raisins when they are frozen.
And, I cannot emphasize enough how much smoother this transfer was. Oh. My. Goodness.
First off, I drank only half of the recommended amount of 32 oz. of water. And, despite the less water intake, after viewing my bladder, the ultrasound tech told me to pee for 6 seconds. And, then, after another looksy, was told to pee for another 6 seconds. I seriously peed out everything. I didn't have to go at all for the entire two-hour drive home. Such a difference from my first transfer when I practically ran to the bathroom after the transfer (after being reassured I wouldn't pee out my babies, of course!).
Once the catheter was in place, the embryologist went to the lab and came back with our babies. Unlike our previous transfer, this time, Aaron and I saw the embryos BURST out of the catheter. Literally, we watched the screen, keeping our eyes on the tiny white straw (the catheter) and then all of a sudden...POP! Out popped a huge white blob...our babies! Dr. Weckstein said only 15 to 20% of transfers have such a great release. He was very happy about what he saw.
While waiting for the embryologist to come back from the lab to confirm if both embryos left the catheter, I looked over to Aaron and his head was down. His hand was tightly gripping mine, but his head was down. I asked what he was doing, and he looked up with tear-glazed eyes and quietly said he was praying.
At that point, I lost it. I had been keeping my emotions in check this whole time (which is huge for me), but I just completely lost it. I cried. He cried. And then the embryologist came back and said both embryos cleared the catheter, and we cried some more, grateful for a such a beautiful transfer.
Our doctor, the nurse and the embryologist then left us and allowed me to lay there for a bit. Aaron got up and just hugged me for a very long time, the most comforting, warm hug that my body needed. I felt myself relax even more. Maybe I just need to be hugged during the transfer, rather than given Valium. :)
On the drive home, I was reclined and Aaron had his hand on my leg. Traffic became congested and he took his hand off my leg and said he had to drive with two hands, saying, "We have very precious cargo now. I have two babies on board."
We're both very confident this time around. I can't tell you where this confidence is coming from, but we both feel a sense of peace that God will bring us our baby(ies) this time around. We have faith! We believe!
So, our beta blood test is scheduled for Saturday, April 2nd. At that time, we will have proof of what we already know...
...that I'm pregnant! :)
Once the catheter was in place, the embryologist went to the lab and came back with our babies. Unlike our previous transfer, this time, Aaron and I saw the embryos BURST out of the catheter. Literally, we watched the screen, keeping our eyes on the tiny white straw (the catheter) and then all of a sudden...POP! Out popped a huge white blob...our babies! Dr. Weckstein said only 15 to 20% of transfers have such a great release. He was very happy about what he saw.
While waiting for the embryologist to come back from the lab to confirm if both embryos left the catheter, I looked over to Aaron and his head was down. His hand was tightly gripping mine, but his head was down. I asked what he was doing, and he looked up with tear-glazed eyes and quietly said he was praying.
At that point, I lost it. I had been keeping my emotions in check this whole time (which is huge for me), but I just completely lost it. I cried. He cried. And then the embryologist came back and said both embryos cleared the catheter, and we cried some more, grateful for a such a beautiful transfer.
Our doctor, the nurse and the embryologist then left us and allowed me to lay there for a bit. Aaron got up and just hugged me for a very long time, the most comforting, warm hug that my body needed. I felt myself relax even more. Maybe I just need to be hugged during the transfer, rather than given Valium. :)
On the drive home, I was reclined and Aaron had his hand on my leg. Traffic became congested and he took his hand off my leg and said he had to drive with two hands, saying, "We have very precious cargo now. I have two babies on board."
We're both very confident this time around. I can't tell you where this confidence is coming from, but we both feel a sense of peace that God will bring us our baby(ies) this time around. We have faith! We believe!
So, our beta blood test is scheduled for Saturday, April 2nd. At that time, we will have proof of what we already know...
...that I'm pregnant! :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Transfer Went Smoothly
This is going to be a quick post, but I just wanted to let you all know the transfer went smoothly today. Thank you so much for all your prayers and well wishes!
Now, back to The Hangover. :)
Now, back to The Hangover. :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I'm Ready!
I've been scurrying about getting things done today, since I plan on being on serious bed rest tomorrow and Friday (doctor's orders) and then moderate bed rest over the weekend.
Laundry is caught up.
Dishwasher unloaded.
House was picked up (but that doesn't last long with a 4-year old).
Ella's lunch is packed (so Aaron doesn't have to worry about that in the morning).
Ella's bag is packed, as she will be spending the night at my parents' tomorrow night. That way, my mom can take Ella to school Friday morning and I don't need to wake up early and get Ella ready for school. (Yes, I'm taking my bed rest very seriously).
Aaron's renting some comedies for me as a means to keep my mind preoccupied, but also as an attempt for me to be relaxed and laugh right after the transfer. It is proven that therapeutic laughter increases IVF success rates. So, I'm going to try and stress less and laugh more this time around.
And, to add to my smiles is this lovely flower display from Aaron. I feel so lucky to have such a caring, compassionate man by my side throughout this whole thing.
If you can't read what the card says, it reads, "Aaron and Ella love you, but God loves you more." (Remember this post?).
The next time I write a blog post, I will be PUPO!!!
Laundry is caught up.
Dishwasher unloaded.
House was picked up (but that doesn't last long with a 4-year old).
Ella's lunch is packed (so Aaron doesn't have to worry about that in the morning).
Ella's bag is packed, as she will be spending the night at my parents' tomorrow night. That way, my mom can take Ella to school Friday morning and I don't need to wake up early and get Ella ready for school. (Yes, I'm taking my bed rest very seriously).
Aaron's renting some comedies for me as a means to keep my mind preoccupied, but also as an attempt for me to be relaxed and laugh right after the transfer. It is proven that therapeutic laughter increases IVF success rates. So, I'm going to try and stress less and laugh more this time around.
And, to add to my smiles is this lovely flower display from Aaron. I feel so lucky to have such a caring, compassionate man by my side throughout this whole thing.
The next time I write a blog post, I will be PUPO!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Valium? Okay!
Not many women know the exact moment they get knocked up, but an infertile couple going through IVF (or, in this case, FET) does! We get to pencil in an appointment for this momentous occasion.
That's right! On the calendar at RSC it says, "Thursday, March 24th @ 12:00 p.m. - Get Bobbi Johnson pregers!" Okay, maybe not like that, but we officially have our baby-making time scheduled!
So, on Thursday, right around the time you guys are eating your lunches, I will be having three embryos transferred. With Aaron's hand holding mine and both our eyes glued to the 46" high definition TV of the live sonogram image of my uterine cavity, we will witness the catheter maneuvering around (hopefully more smoothly than last time) until the goods are deposited into my uterus and the three little bundles of cells begin to thrive and survive on their own.
The embryos will no longer be in the predictable environment of the lab, but in the unpredictable environment of my uterus.
And at this moment, I will officially become knocked up!
To say I'm not nervous would be a lie. To say I'm not excited would also be a lie. I'm very excited, but my nerves are not allowing me to totally soak in how special Thursday might end up being. I'm nervous the outcome will be like last time. No matter how hard I try to forget the past and focus on the hope and promise in our future, it's hard to completely erase that unbearable pain we suffered a few months ago.
But, regardless of that resurfacing pain, Aaron and I could not be more ready to do this! So, I'll be going into the FET with my head held high and my body very relaxed from Valium. :)
Yes, you heard right! Valium! Dr. Weckstein prescribed me some Valium, saying it's new protocol at their clinic for women to take some Valium half an hour before the transfer "to help stay at ease during the transfer," but I can't help but wonder if this "new protocol" is actually just "Bobbi protocol." After all, he's gotten to know me on every emotional, stressed out, worried, and albeit sometimes psychotic level possible...and he's not even family! Be it special treatment for me or new treatment for all patients, I will happily take the Valium.
Maybe this extra drug-induced relaxation is exactly what my tense body needs! :)
That's right! On the calendar at RSC it says, "Thursday, March 24th @ 12:00 p.m. - Get Bobbi Johnson pregers!" Okay, maybe not like that, but we officially have our baby-making time scheduled!
So, on Thursday, right around the time you guys are eating your lunches, I will be having three embryos transferred. With Aaron's hand holding mine and both our eyes glued to the 46" high definition TV of the live sonogram image of my uterine cavity, we will witness the catheter maneuvering around (hopefully more smoothly than last time) until the goods are deposited into my uterus and the three little bundles of cells begin to thrive and survive on their own.
The embryos will no longer be in the predictable environment of the lab, but in the unpredictable environment of my uterus.
And at this moment, I will officially become knocked up!
To say I'm not nervous would be a lie. To say I'm not excited would also be a lie. I'm very excited, but my nerves are not allowing me to totally soak in how special Thursday might end up being. I'm nervous the outcome will be like last time. No matter how hard I try to forget the past and focus on the hope and promise in our future, it's hard to completely erase that unbearable pain we suffered a few months ago.
But, regardless of that resurfacing pain, Aaron and I could not be more ready to do this! So, I'll be going into the FET with my head held high and my body very relaxed from Valium. :)
Photo courtesy of Google Images.
Yes, you heard right! Valium! Dr. Weckstein prescribed me some Valium, saying it's new protocol at their clinic for women to take some Valium half an hour before the transfer "to help stay at ease during the transfer," but I can't help but wonder if this "new protocol" is actually just "Bobbi protocol." After all, he's gotten to know me on every emotional, stressed out, worried, and albeit sometimes psychotic level possible...and he's not even family! Be it special treatment for me or new treatment for all patients, I will happily take the Valium.
Maybe this extra drug-induced relaxation is exactly what my tense body needs! :)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Divine Intervention
As you all know, my uterine lining has been the "hot topic" of my posts lately. Such an entertaining topic, I know! LOL! :)
Yesterday's sonogram revealed a thicker uterine lining. My lowest measurement was 8.3mm and my highest was almost 9mm, so the sonographer confidently gave me an average 8.6mm, since most measurements were roughly that.
She was really happy with that measurement, but I could not reciprocate the enthusiasm. So, I met with my IVF nurse and explained my desire to remain on the Estradiol for a few days longer to make my lining thicker. After all, it grew 1.1mm in 3 days' time, so one could assume I'd have a solid mid-9mm measurement in another few days. I reiterated to her that Dr. Weckstein wanted it thicker than my 8.4mm measurement for my failed IVF cycle.
She explained to me that Dr. Weckstein is likely going to be satisfied with this measurement, and indeed she was right!
Later that day, she e-mailed me and said that Dr. Weckstein reviewed my sonogram results and said my lining is "good and adequate" for my FET. He called me later and said he feels very comfortable with the quality of my endometrium and that he would not push me to do something that he knew was not for the good of his patient.
The problem is...
I don't want just "good" and just "adequate." I want exceptional! I want a super fluffy, sticky thick uterine lining, giving my babies plenty of cushion to burrow into. My IVF nurse reassured me that they don't very often see a lining thicker than 8mm or 9mm at their office, and she stamped that statement with a huge, "Dr. Weckstein knows what he's doing." :)
But...
Dr. Weckstein told me that if I feel more comfortable allowing my uterine lining to thicken a little bit more, that he is okay with that. He left the decision up to Aaron and me (since my blood levels are not a concern). He doesn't think my lining will get that much thicker while remaining on the estrogen supplements, though.
However...
Dr. Weckstein is leaving for a 2-week vacation beginning next Friday (the 25th), which means if we delay my FET, another doctor will be performing the transfer. To me, that's huge! Dr. Weckstein has been the only doctor I've consulted with. He performed my egg retrieval, my embryo transfer...he's the one who closely monitors all my levels, and, most importantly, he knows my uterus!
That may sound silly, but that's very important, especially when placing such important cargo in there! :) My transfer wasn't super smooth, and, if you remember, he performed a uterine sounding at my follow-up appointment to determine the smoothest route to my uterus for my FET.
So, like I said, he has the inside scoop on my insides. And, really, I wouldn't feel comfortable with any other doctor performing the baby-making ritual.
My mom asked what my heart is telling me, and my original reaction was, "My heart is telling me this sucks," because, deep down, I really am not satisfied with either option. I'm not satisfied with the thickness of my uterine lining and I'm not satisfied with another doctor performing the FET.
My mom told me that's not the way to look at this, and she's right.
I shouldn't be trying to control this! Rather than focusing so much attention on my lining, I should be focusing on God. My darn lining is blinding me from where my true focus should really lie. On God!
I need to let go and let God!
And you know what? That is exactly what Aaron and I decided to do.
DIVINE INTERVENTION!!!
The timing of this cycle amazes me. Truly. The fact that my period started on time, resulting in my Estradiol tablets starting exactly two days after, which then determined when my sonogram would be scheduled to check my lining. And, with my first sonogram revealing too thin of a lining, another one needed to be scheduled a specific amount of time after, and with that sonogram then showing a "good and adequate lining for transfer," the FET is automatically scheduled for exactly one week later, which so happens to be the day before Dr. Weckstein leaves for his 2-week vacation.
You follow all of that? :)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God, knowing my controlling, Type A personality, knew I would need His Divine Intervention to release this control I so unwillingly give up. By Dr. Weckstein being unavailable for two weeks beginning the day after my FET, I feel the tug at my heart, the necessary gentle push of God telling me to let it go.
Let it go that my uterine lining isn't the thickest on the block.
Let it go that my ego may be a little crushed, but that in turn should not reflect a crushed hope.
Let it go that even though my lining is roughly the same measurement as last time, God will bring us our baby(ies) if it is His will.
My hope should not lie on my numbers. My hope needs to lie on my God.
So, with all that said, my FET is scheduled for this Thursday (the 24th)! I can't believe it! :)
Yesterday's sonogram revealed a thicker uterine lining. My lowest measurement was 8.3mm and my highest was almost 9mm, so the sonographer confidently gave me an average 8.6mm, since most measurements were roughly that.
She was really happy with that measurement, but I could not reciprocate the enthusiasm. So, I met with my IVF nurse and explained my desire to remain on the Estradiol for a few days longer to make my lining thicker. After all, it grew 1.1mm in 3 days' time, so one could assume I'd have a solid mid-9mm measurement in another few days. I reiterated to her that Dr. Weckstein wanted it thicker than my 8.4mm measurement for my failed IVF cycle.
She explained to me that Dr. Weckstein is likely going to be satisfied with this measurement, and indeed she was right!
Later that day, she e-mailed me and said that Dr. Weckstein reviewed my sonogram results and said my lining is "good and adequate" for my FET. He called me later and said he feels very comfortable with the quality of my endometrium and that he would not push me to do something that he knew was not for the good of his patient.
The problem is...
I don't want just "good" and just "adequate." I want exceptional! I want a super fluffy, sticky thick uterine lining, giving my babies plenty of cushion to burrow into. My IVF nurse reassured me that they don't very often see a lining thicker than 8mm or 9mm at their office, and she stamped that statement with a huge, "Dr. Weckstein knows what he's doing." :)
But...
Dr. Weckstein told me that if I feel more comfortable allowing my uterine lining to thicken a little bit more, that he is okay with that. He left the decision up to Aaron and me (since my blood levels are not a concern). He doesn't think my lining will get that much thicker while remaining on the estrogen supplements, though.
However...
Dr. Weckstein is leaving for a 2-week vacation beginning next Friday (the 25th), which means if we delay my FET, another doctor will be performing the transfer. To me, that's huge! Dr. Weckstein has been the only doctor I've consulted with. He performed my egg retrieval, my embryo transfer...he's the one who closely monitors all my levels, and, most importantly, he knows my uterus!
That may sound silly, but that's very important, especially when placing such important cargo in there! :) My transfer wasn't super smooth, and, if you remember, he performed a uterine sounding at my follow-up appointment to determine the smoothest route to my uterus for my FET.
So, like I said, he has the inside scoop on my insides. And, really, I wouldn't feel comfortable with any other doctor performing the baby-making ritual.
My mom asked what my heart is telling me, and my original reaction was, "My heart is telling me this sucks," because, deep down, I really am not satisfied with either option. I'm not satisfied with the thickness of my uterine lining and I'm not satisfied with another doctor performing the FET.
My mom told me that's not the way to look at this, and she's right.
I shouldn't be trying to control this! Rather than focusing so much attention on my lining, I should be focusing on God. My darn lining is blinding me from where my true focus should really lie. On God!
I need to let go and let God!
And you know what? That is exactly what Aaron and I decided to do.
DIVINE INTERVENTION!!!
The timing of this cycle amazes me. Truly. The fact that my period started on time, resulting in my Estradiol tablets starting exactly two days after, which then determined when my sonogram would be scheduled to check my lining. And, with my first sonogram revealing too thin of a lining, another one needed to be scheduled a specific amount of time after, and with that sonogram then showing a "good and adequate lining for transfer," the FET is automatically scheduled for exactly one week later, which so happens to be the day before Dr. Weckstein leaves for his 2-week vacation.
You follow all of that? :)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God, knowing my controlling, Type A personality, knew I would need His Divine Intervention to release this control I so unwillingly give up. By Dr. Weckstein being unavailable for two weeks beginning the day after my FET, I feel the tug at my heart, the necessary gentle push of God telling me to let it go.
Let it go that my uterine lining isn't the thickest on the block.
Let it go that my ego may be a little crushed, but that in turn should not reflect a crushed hope.
Let it go that even though my lining is roughly the same measurement as last time, God will bring us our baby(ies) if it is His will.
Photo courtesy of Google Images.
My hope should not lie on my numbers. My hope needs to lie on my God.
So, with all that said, my FET is scheduled for this Thursday (the 24th)! I can't believe it! :)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Fiddle Farting
What a beautiful day! Springtime makes me really happy to live where I do. Although the summers here are the absolute worst with more 100-degree days than any person should have to endure, the springtime here is so refreshing.
We spent the entire day outdoors "fiddle-farting," as my parents say, and according to UrbanDictionary.com, means 1) doing nothing important, or 2) not doing what one is supposed to be doing according to action asked upon. I never knew "fiddle fart" had an actual definition! I just thought my parents made it up! :)
Even though our day was, for the most part, spent doing nothing too important, it was still a pretty productive day filled with yard work. We planted cheap annuals in Ella's small garden, which she is very proud of. Her flowers died off this winter (hence, being called annuals), but now with Spring arriving, we got her some new ones to care for.
Other than the wonderful weather and time with my family, my mind occasionally wandered to my appointment on Monday. I'm constantly praying the extra dosage of Estradiol and the vaginal inserts my doctor prescribed me are doing the trick to get my uterine lining to a more promising measurement than what I had before.
And, if it's not, the flexibility of a FET will allow us to take another week to get my uterine lining ready for implantation!
That is what I'm really liking about this FET. The flexibility! With an IVF, basically you are victim to your eggs. Once those suckers are ready, they are coming out! A majority of my eggs had reached maturity and my E2 level was in a good range, so without wanting my eggs to over-maturize (and become unusable) and without having my E2 level go to high, my doctor decided for me to trigger, despite the fact that the sonographer was still having a difficult time finding a good measurement of my uterine lining. I remember her taking like five measurements the day of my trigger shot and was so excited (or was it relieved?) when she got a measurement above 8mm. All the others were below. And now, looking back, that was not good, since the acceptable range is 8mm to 13mm.
But now, with the three embryos frozen and waiting for mama's warm uterus (too much information?), there is no push to do the transfer until everything looks just right.
So, needless to say, I'm anxious to see what Monday's appointment will reveal. Until then, I plan on enjoying another wonderful day, likely outdoors, with my family tomorrow. :)
Don't forget to spring forward your clocks tonight. Goodbye lost hour! Hello Daylight Savings Time! :)
We spent the entire day outdoors "fiddle-farting," as my parents say, and according to UrbanDictionary.com, means 1) doing nothing important, or 2) not doing what one is supposed to be doing according to action asked upon. I never knew "fiddle fart" had an actual definition! I just thought my parents made it up! :)
Even though our day was, for the most part, spent doing nothing too important, it was still a pretty productive day filled with yard work. We planted cheap annuals in Ella's small garden, which she is very proud of. Her flowers died off this winter (hence, being called annuals), but now with Spring arriving, we got her some new ones to care for.
Other than the wonderful weather and time with my family, my mind occasionally wandered to my appointment on Monday. I'm constantly praying the extra dosage of Estradiol and the vaginal inserts my doctor prescribed me are doing the trick to get my uterine lining to a more promising measurement than what I had before.
And, if it's not, the flexibility of a FET will allow us to take another week to get my uterine lining ready for implantation!
That is what I'm really liking about this FET. The flexibility! With an IVF, basically you are victim to your eggs. Once those suckers are ready, they are coming out! A majority of my eggs had reached maturity and my E2 level was in a good range, so without wanting my eggs to over-maturize (and become unusable) and without having my E2 level go to high, my doctor decided for me to trigger, despite the fact that the sonographer was still having a difficult time finding a good measurement of my uterine lining. I remember her taking like five measurements the day of my trigger shot and was so excited (or was it relieved?) when she got a measurement above 8mm. All the others were below. And now, looking back, that was not good, since the acceptable range is 8mm to 13mm.
But now, with the three embryos frozen and waiting for mama's warm uterus (too much information?), there is no push to do the transfer until everything looks just right.
So, needless to say, I'm anxious to see what Monday's appointment will reveal. Until then, I plan on enjoying another wonderful day, likely outdoors, with my family tomorrow. :)
Don't forget to spring forward your clocks tonight. Goodbye lost hour! Hello Daylight Savings Time! :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Gotta Keep the Faith
There is a very popular K-6 school here in town called Walnut Elementary Education Center, excelling beyond all other elementary schools in Turlock. It offers two magnet programs - math/science and visual/performing arts.
This school is so popular that enrollment is based on a lottery system. 162 applications were submitted for kindergarten alone.
Ella's dance class is on Tuesday nights, so Aaron had to go to the lottery himself tonight.
He texted me in the middle of Ella's class saying she was sixty-something on the wait list for the math/science program with a sad face at the end. I couldn't believe the wait list would even be that long! Goodness!
After Ella and I got home from dance, Aaron called and, with a bummed tone, said he was on his way home and that she didn't get into the visual/performing arts program either. My heart sank. I was really holding out hope for that program (it was the one I really hoped she'd get into). But, in the middle of me asking where she was placed on the waiting list, he said, "JUST KIDDING! SHE GOT IN!!!"
I screamed with such happiness!
Aaron then went on to say that Ella was the last name called.
That made me smile even bigger! :)
It immediately made me start to think about what God may be telling me through this.
I know, I know...a lottery is just that. Chance! A luck of the draw! How does God have His hand in that?
But, I think through Ella's name being called last, out of the 162 applicants, God is speaking to me. I feel God whispering to me to keep the faith. Even when there is only one more shot, He doesn't want me to lose hope. There is always hope. Always.
So, even though it seems silly to think God has His hand into Ella's enrollment in a school, He is in the business of purposely giving, not of meaningless chance, right?
Getting pregnant can be considered pure chance, but I believe with all my heart that God has control. He blessed us with our miracle baby, who is somehow now enrolled to begin kindergarten in just a few short months (I'm not going to cry!). Ella is in no way meaningless chance. She was purposely given to us by God.
So, with today's wonderful news of Ella getting into Walnut Elementary, I am reminded of God's goodness. I am reminded that, even when it may seem like all odds are against us, He still has our best interest at heart. Even though we are not able to conceive on our own and 30 months of secondary infertility are against us, He is encouraging us to not give up hope.
Just as Aaron continued to sit through the lottery with only one more name to call, God is encouraging us to faithfully continue through our battle with secondary infertility, even when this FET can very well be out last chance at another biological child, and keep the faith! :)
Photo courtesy of Walnut Elementary's website.
This school is so popular that enrollment is based on a lottery system. 162 applications were submitted for kindergarten alone.
Ella's dance class is on Tuesday nights, so Aaron had to go to the lottery himself tonight.
He texted me in the middle of Ella's class saying she was sixty-something on the wait list for the math/science program with a sad face at the end. I couldn't believe the wait list would even be that long! Goodness!
After Ella and I got home from dance, Aaron called and, with a bummed tone, said he was on his way home and that she didn't get into the visual/performing arts program either. My heart sank. I was really holding out hope for that program (it was the one I really hoped she'd get into). But, in the middle of me asking where she was placed on the waiting list, he said, "JUST KIDDING! SHE GOT IN!!!"
I screamed with such happiness!
Aaron then went on to say that Ella was the last name called.
That made me smile even bigger! :)
It immediately made me start to think about what God may be telling me through this.
I know, I know...a lottery is just that. Chance! A luck of the draw! How does God have His hand in that?
But, I think through Ella's name being called last, out of the 162 applicants, God is speaking to me. I feel God whispering to me to keep the faith. Even when there is only one more shot, He doesn't want me to lose hope. There is always hope. Always.
So, even though it seems silly to think God has His hand into Ella's enrollment in a school, He is in the business of purposely giving, not of meaningless chance, right?
Getting pregnant can be considered pure chance, but I believe with all my heart that God has control. He blessed us with our miracle baby, who is somehow now enrolled to begin kindergarten in just a few short months (I'm not going to cry!). Ella is in no way meaningless chance. She was purposely given to us by God.
So, with today's wonderful news of Ella getting into Walnut Elementary, I am reminded of God's goodness. I am reminded that, even when it may seem like all odds are against us, He still has our best interest at heart. Even though we are not able to conceive on our own and 30 months of secondary infertility are against us, He is encouraging us to not give up hope.
Just as Aaron continued to sit through the lottery with only one more name to call, God is encouraging us to faithfully continue through our battle with secondary infertility, even when this FET can very well be out last chance at another biological child, and keep the faith! :)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's Go Time! (Take 2)
My hopefully last period of 2011 has arrived. Right on time at that! (None of that nonsense like my last cycle).
Up until when my period started, I was still debating whether to postpone my FET another month or not. I kept talking myself out of it. But, with my hope outshining my fear, I have decided to go for it.
Aaron left the decision up to me. He has been unbelievably, selflessly supportive - constantly saying the right thing in the right way at the right time for me. He knows how to get through to me and then he also knows when he needs to give me time to think, pray, process and then come to a decision on my own.
And the decision has been made!
Throughout my entire IVF cycle I was filled with hope. And with that cycle ending unsuccessfully, my hope shattered into a million pieces. Over the past couple months, I have been trying to glue the pieces together again...to find that hope once more. And, honestly, it wasn't until today that I found that last piece.
It felt hopeless to be hopeful again, but somehow I am full of hope all over again. I feel God's peace, the sweetest feeling that can turn any situation upside down.
And my heart has indeed turned upside down. Or, should I say, right side up? :)
So, tomorrow I start taking my Estrace tablets. And then I go in for blood work and a sonogram on Monday, March 14th, to make sure my estrogen and progesterone levels are within range and that my uterine lining is thick and ready for the babies. :)
I have a feeling this month is going to fly by.
Up until when my period started, I was still debating whether to postpone my FET another month or not. I kept talking myself out of it. But, with my hope outshining my fear, I have decided to go for it.
Aaron left the decision up to me. He has been unbelievably, selflessly supportive - constantly saying the right thing in the right way at the right time for me. He knows how to get through to me and then he also knows when he needs to give me time to think, pray, process and then come to a decision on my own.
And the decision has been made!
Throughout my entire IVF cycle I was filled with hope. And with that cycle ending unsuccessfully, my hope shattered into a million pieces. Over the past couple months, I have been trying to glue the pieces together again...to find that hope once more. And, honestly, it wasn't until today that I found that last piece.
It felt hopeless to be hopeful again, but somehow I am full of hope all over again. I feel God's peace, the sweetest feeling that can turn any situation upside down.
And my heart has indeed turned upside down. Or, should I say, right side up? :)
So, tomorrow I start taking my Estrace tablets. And then I go in for blood work and a sonogram on Monday, March 14th, to make sure my estrogen and progesterone levels are within range and that my uterine lining is thick and ready for the babies. :)
I have a feeling this month is going to fly by.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Can someone please explain something?
I think I'm confused. I say "think," because I'm not even sure if I'm confused. LOL!
My blogging friend, Michelle, at No, I'm Not Fat, Just Pregnant (who recently got to change her title from "No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat"), brought something to my attention. She had a failed IVF cycle just before my failed IVF cycle, and recently received news that her first FET attempt made her pregnant with twins, no less!!! (Congrats, again, girl!). Her RE explained that her IVF cycle was unsuccessful because her estradiol levels were too high, making her uterus too hostile for implantation.
So, naturally, that made me wonder about my levels. I stimulated a lot (more than average, I think, with 19 mature follicles retrieved). The more stimulation, the higher the E2 (estradiol) blood level. There is a direct correlation between the number of mature follicles and the amount of estrogen in the body. It's a delicate dance that the doctor has to pay close attention to, with wanting to stimulate enough to produce lots of mature eggs without rising the woman's estradiol levels to a dangerous zone
Here are my estradiol levels from my December IVF:
Okay, now to my confusion...
As I understand it (and I can be, and most likely am, wrong!), estrogen is important in preparing the uterine lining for successful implantation. It is the hormone necessary to make a woman's uterus ready to hold a pregnancy. Because I produced so many mature eggs and, from what I can tell, my estradiol level was solid, why was my uterine lining not very thick (8.4mm)? Don't they all go hand in hand?
That then brings me to my next question. My doctor is doubling my Estrace (estrogen) prescription (and I will be inserting one vaginally) to help make my uterine lining thicker for my FET next month. But won't that, in turn, make my estradiol level higher, which isn't necessary a good thing because a high estradiol level makes the uterus less susceptible to implantation?
As you can see, my mind is going in circles. I think I'm just questioning everything because I so badly want our FET to work. I'm an over-analyzer, over-thinker, over-researcher by nature, and throw infertility into the mix, and here I am! :)
My blogging friend, Michelle, at No, I'm Not Fat, Just Pregnant (who recently got to change her title from "No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat"), brought something to my attention. She had a failed IVF cycle just before my failed IVF cycle, and recently received news that her first FET attempt made her pregnant with twins, no less!!! (Congrats, again, girl!). Her RE explained that her IVF cycle was unsuccessful because her estradiol levels were too high, making her uterus too hostile for implantation.
So, naturally, that made me wonder about my levels. I stimulated a lot (more than average, I think, with 19 mature follicles retrieved). The more stimulation, the higher the E2 (estradiol) blood level. There is a direct correlation between the number of mature follicles and the amount of estrogen in the body. It's a delicate dance that the doctor has to pay close attention to, with wanting to stimulate enough to produce lots of mature eggs without rising the woman's estradiol levels to a dangerous zone
Here are my estradiol levels from my December IVF:
- 11/24 - 32.3 (after suppression with Lupron)
- 12/1 - 228 (day 4 of stims)
- 12/4 - 817 (day 7 of stims)
- 12/6 - 1,787 (day 9 of stims)
- 12/7 - 2,789 (day 10 of stims)
- 12/8 - 3,632 (day 11 of stims, the extra day of stimulation)
Okay, now to my confusion...
As I understand it (and I can be, and most likely am, wrong!), estrogen is important in preparing the uterine lining for successful implantation. It is the hormone necessary to make a woman's uterus ready to hold a pregnancy. Because I produced so many mature eggs and, from what I can tell, my estradiol level was solid, why was my uterine lining not very thick (8.4mm)? Don't they all go hand in hand?
That then brings me to my next question. My doctor is doubling my Estrace (estrogen) prescription (and I will be inserting one vaginally) to help make my uterine lining thicker for my FET next month. But won't that, in turn, make my estradiol level higher, which isn't necessary a good thing because a high estradiol level makes the uterus less susceptible to implantation?
As you can see, my mind is going in circles. I think I'm just questioning everything because I so badly want our FET to work. I'm an over-analyzer, over-thinker, over-researcher by nature, and throw infertility into the mix, and here I am! :)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
We've got the drugs and funds, but do we have the goods?
My medicine came in the mail last week. I ordered very in advance, but that's just how I roll. The total came out to a couple hundred, which didn't put as big of a dent in our savings as our first go around. Thank goodness! I'm a little weirded out about the vaginal inserts my doctor prescribed, but I guess I'll get through it. Heck, nothing can be worse than shots, especially those darn PIO ones!
The loan increase through Springstone Patient Financing was approved and the funds have been dispersed to RSC for our FET. If any of you need a loan for infertility treatment, I've had a wonderful experience with Springstone. Great customer service, prompt responses and very reasonable rates (for individuals with good credit, but that's how most loans are).
So, everything is a go! Everything is in place for next month. :)
It gives me a sense of peace knowing everything is done. I'm easily stressed (I know, not a very good quality!), so knowing that I don't have to rush in making sure I have all my medicine or I don't have to worry about my doctor not receiving the funds in time really puts my heart at ease.
Anything to put my heart at ease during a time that puts so much strain on my heart definitely helps!
So, as my title points out...we've got the drugs and funds, but do we have the goods? Even though everything is, yet again, falling into place nicely, will my body accept these embryos? Or, like last time, will my body not quite be ready for them?
These embryos deserve a shot at life, and you better believe that Aaron, Ella and I have a beautiful, wonderful life waiting for them! Now, if only those little bundles of cells, holding so much promise and joy, can burrow themselves in and stick around for 9 months and beyond (did I make you think of "Toy Story" just now? LOL!!!).
The loan increase through Springstone Patient Financing was approved and the funds have been dispersed to RSC for our FET. If any of you need a loan for infertility treatment, I've had a wonderful experience with Springstone. Great customer service, prompt responses and very reasonable rates (for individuals with good credit, but that's how most loans are).
So, everything is a go! Everything is in place for next month. :)
It gives me a sense of peace knowing everything is done. I'm easily stressed (I know, not a very good quality!), so knowing that I don't have to rush in making sure I have all my medicine or I don't have to worry about my doctor not receiving the funds in time really puts my heart at ease.
Anything to put my heart at ease during a time that puts so much strain on my heart definitely helps!
So, as my title points out...we've got the drugs and funds, but do we have the goods? Even though everything is, yet again, falling into place nicely, will my body accept these embryos? Or, like last time, will my body not quite be ready for them?
These embryos deserve a shot at life, and you better believe that Aaron, Ella and I have a beautiful, wonderful life waiting for them! Now, if only those little bundles of cells, holding so much promise and joy, can burrow themselves in and stick around for 9 months and beyond (did I make you think of "Toy Story" just now? LOL!!!).
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Indefinitely Postpone My FET
I haven't posted in awhile simply because I'm in a place. I'm sure most infertile women know this place and some might even visit often. It's the place of self-pity. A place where "Why me?" and "When will it be my turn?" are repeatedly questioned. A place where my worries, anxieties and stress outweigh my hope, determination and faith.
And even though I have the opportunity of a lifetime next month to transfer 3 beautiful blastocysts (2 of which are hatching out of their shells), I am scared out of my mind. Stress is squeezing every ounce of hope out of my being.
I am so scared to the point that I want to indefinitely postpone my FET. Seriously! I want to forever hold onto the hope those three frozen embryos give me. Once they are transferred, I have no back-up to ease my worry in case our FET doesn't work. But, right now, I have them and I don't want to lose them. I don't want my body to reject them like they did their "brother and sister." I don't want for us to go through all of this only to come out empty-handed (or should I say empty-wombed?).
I told Aaron today that maybe we should wait another month, but he is encouraging me otherwise. He told me that he doesn't think I'll every 100% be ready. And, I know he's right. I have days where I think I'm ready, but most days I'm so very scared.
Our IVF cycle and now our FET cycle have left us with a huge chunk of debt of which we are making nearly $300/month payments on...for the next 6 years! To me, though, that's a really small price to pay to make our dreams come true and make Ella a big sister, but the problem is there is no guarantee. We can do this FET, and even though my doctor said we will have a 70% go 75% chance it'll work (even better than the 66% statistic because we will be transferring three embryos), there is still that 25% to 30% chance that it won't work! And then what? All that debt for absolutely nothing and we start from square one again, but this time, thousands and thousands of dollars poorer.
It goes without saying, but this obviously adds to the stress. Stress I wish I didn't have, but there nonetheless. Finances have a way of making any matter worse, don't they? :(
Well, I'm ovulating today, so maybe...just maybe...all of this stress will be for nothing! Wouldn't God reveal a serious sense of humor in blessing us with a baby right now? So, like I've said time and time again...I can't help but try because when you want something so bad, you're willing to do the impossible.
And even though I have the opportunity of a lifetime next month to transfer 3 beautiful blastocysts (2 of which are hatching out of their shells), I am scared out of my mind. Stress is squeezing every ounce of hope out of my being.
I am so scared to the point that I want to indefinitely postpone my FET. Seriously! I want to forever hold onto the hope those three frozen embryos give me. Once they are transferred, I have no back-up to ease my worry in case our FET doesn't work. But, right now, I have them and I don't want to lose them. I don't want my body to reject them like they did their "brother and sister." I don't want for us to go through all of this only to come out empty-handed (or should I say empty-wombed?).
I told Aaron today that maybe we should wait another month, but he is encouraging me otherwise. He told me that he doesn't think I'll every 100% be ready. And, I know he's right. I have days where I think I'm ready, but most days I'm so very scared.
Our IVF cycle and now our FET cycle have left us with a huge chunk of debt of which we are making nearly $300/month payments on...for the next 6 years! To me, though, that's a really small price to pay to make our dreams come true and make Ella a big sister, but the problem is there is no guarantee. We can do this FET, and even though my doctor said we will have a 70% go 75% chance it'll work (even better than the 66% statistic because we will be transferring three embryos), there is still that 25% to 30% chance that it won't work! And then what? All that debt for absolutely nothing and we start from square one again, but this time, thousands and thousands of dollars poorer.
It goes without saying, but this obviously adds to the stress. Stress I wish I didn't have, but there nonetheless. Finances have a way of making any matter worse, don't they? :(
Well, I'm ovulating today, so maybe...just maybe...all of this stress will be for nothing! Wouldn't God reveal a serious sense of humor in blessing us with a baby right now? So, like I've said time and time again...I can't help but try because when you want something so bad, you're willing to do the impossible.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Happily Surprised with FET Success Rates
I was checking out RSC's website to see if there was an update on 2010 success rates, and I was happily surprised.
As you can see in the graph below, in 2010, a little over 50% of all fresh IVF cycles in my age group resulted in pregnancy.
But, now, take a look at RSC's 2010 success rates for frozen embryo transfers. :)
I had no idea the FET success rates were so much higher, but I'll take it! You better believe I'll take it!
Maybe the FET success rates are higher because only the absolute best embryos are frozen?
Maybe the FET success rates are higher because the body isn't going through so much? I remember being in quite a bit of discomfort/pain from my egg retrieval for my transfer. And I had a 5-day transfer! I can't imagine having gone in for a 3-day transfer. I was so bloated that my "innie" bellybutton was halfway to becoming an "outie." It was awful! I don't know if my experience was unordinary or what. Maybe it was because I had so many eggs retrieved? I mean, I had 32 follicles in all that Dr. Weckstein punctured in hopes of retrieving an egg (19 of which were mature).
Maybe the FET success rates are higher because the "errors" made with the fresh IVF cycle could be fixed? Dr. Weckstein has clearly told me what he wants to do differently this second time around.
I don't know what the answers are.
I just know my confidence is starting to cautiously creep back up. :)
As you can see in the graph below, in 2010, a little over 50% of all fresh IVF cycles in my age group resulted in pregnancy.
IVF and ICSI Cycles Using Fresh Embryos
| Age of Women | <35 | 35-37 | 38-40 | 41-42 |
| Retrievals | 201 | 131 | 129 | 71 |
| Transfers | 188 | 122 | 112 | 67 |
| Pregnancy | 96 | 59 | 51 | 21 |
| Percent per Retrieval | 47.8% | 45.0% | 39.5% | 29.6% |
| Percent per Transfer | 51.1% | 48.4% | 45.5% | 31.3% |
| Average # of Embryos Transferred | 1.9 | 2.1 | 2.5 | 3.4 |
But, now, take a look at RSC's 2010 success rates for frozen embryo transfers. :)
Cycles Using Frozen Embryos
| Thaws | 91 | 65 | 71 | 38 |
| Transfers | 91 | 65 | 70 | 38 |
| Pregnancy | 60 | 34 | 34 | 15 |
| Percent per Thaw | 65.9% | 52.3% | 47.9% | 39.5% |
| Percent per Transfer | 65.9% | 52.3% | 48.6% | 39.5% |
| Average # of Embryos Transferred | 1.8 | 1.8 | 2.0 | 2.0 |
I had no idea the FET success rates were so much higher, but I'll take it! You better believe I'll take it!
Maybe the FET success rates are higher because only the absolute best embryos are frozen?
Maybe the FET success rates are higher because the body isn't going through so much? I remember being in quite a bit of discomfort/pain from my egg retrieval for my transfer. And I had a 5-day transfer! I can't imagine having gone in for a 3-day transfer. I was so bloated that my "innie" bellybutton was halfway to becoming an "outie." It was awful! I don't know if my experience was unordinary or what. Maybe it was because I had so many eggs retrieved? I mean, I had 32 follicles in all that Dr. Weckstein punctured in hopes of retrieving an egg (19 of which were mature).
Maybe the FET success rates are higher because the "errors" made with the fresh IVF cycle could be fixed? Dr. Weckstein has clearly told me what he wants to do differently this second time around.
I don't know what the answers are.
I just know my confidence is starting to cautiously creep back up. :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Hump of Nerves
I'm 7 days into this cycle and becoming increasingly nervous with each passing day, knowing it's one day closer to next cycle. My FET cycle!
Other than the obvious reasons, why am I so flippin' nervous? Why can I not get over this hump of nerves to a place where I am genuinely excited? I want to be excited! I want to believe that this FET will bring Ella her sibling(s). But, I can't get over this hump. :(
I can honestly say I was not this nervous going into my fresh IVF cycle. I was so confident. I think much of that confidence stemmed from how well my body responded to the stimulation drugs. I had a ton of follicles growing at a good pace. On the day of my egg retrieval, I had 19 eggs retrieved (16 of which fertilized). All of this made me mistakingly over-confident going into my egg transfer.
I thought I had it in the bag.
I thought my body was going to follow along the same lines and respond well to the two transferred embryos. I thought my body would accept those babies and they'd snuggle into a welcoming environment for 9 months.
And because of this huge blow to my self-confidence, I feel wary going into my FET.
I'm so nervous my body will reject the babies again and that I'll have to heal from another letdown. No, not letdown. That is too soft of a word. It's more like a heartbreak. Like, I literally lost two of my babies. A part of my family. A part of my life.
Lately, I've been really trying to remain optimistic. The mind is a powerful tool and I'm trying to use it to my benefit. I'm really focusing on being mentally healthy, as well as physically and emotionally.
As an attempt to get more physically fit before the transfer, I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. And, believe it or not, Ella does it with me every time. I just have to ignore her because if I look at her, I start laughing and lose focus. She's a riot! It's a lot of fun. :)
Emotionally, I feel more like myself! The countless drugs I was on during my IVF cycle really messed me up. And waiting for those drugs to leave my system, while coping with a failed IVF cycle, really took its toll on me. But, today, I can honestly say I feel like myself again, regardless of my nerves.
So, really...I'm feeling so much better than I was this time last month, so my only hope is that this time next month, during the early part of our FET cycle, I feel even more better. :)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I Have A Theory
I have felt a push to look a bit into uterine lining. As you all know, my uterine lining was only measured at 8.4mm the day of the transfer. And even though anything above 8mm is acceptable, it is a "tad on the thin side," as Dr. Weckstein said. From what I can tell, an acceptable range is 8mm to 13mm, but I've read that some women have 15mm to 16mm even!
The more I looked into how important the uterine lining is for implantation, the more convinced I became that if I had a thicker uterine lining I would've had a better chance of one of those babies sticking around for 9 months!
That is why my doctor, along with most REs, say that transferring more embryos increases the chances of having multiples while not necessarily increasing the chances of getting pregnant. In other words, it is the environment that the embryos are transferred into that has a huge effect on the success of implantation. If the uterine lining is too thin or if there are other obstructions in the endometrium, like polyps or fibroids, then implantation is less likely to successfully occur for all of the embryos. Whereas, if everything is seemingly "perfect" (if there's such a thing!), then implantation is more likely to successfully occur for, again, all of the embryos transferred.
Now, I'm by no means an expert, but as I've admitted before, I am a bit of a research-o-holic. However, you should not hold me as an accountable source for information. But, from what I've read, a healthy uterine cavity does seem to play a significant role in the success of IVF.
I had a laparscopy, hysteroscopy and D&C done in May 2010 to check my endometrium (I was concerned I might've had endometriosis due to ongoing cramping from ovulation to my period), but everything checked out. :)
So, that leads me to my uterine lining. Quite frankly, I didn't even know about uterine lining until I started going in for my monitoring sonograms (where they measured my follicular growth), and they kept measuring my uterine lining. I was so concerned about the size of my follicles that I didn't pay much attention to my uterine lining at all.
However, as I recall, they did tell me it was always measuring a little on the thin side. I never thought much of it, though, because I was so concerned about my darn follicles! I didn't think it was really that important, but now I realize it is!
So, the point of this post is to tell ya'll that I have a theory. And my theory is that the uterine lining is super duper important and that I'm newly convinced the new protocol for my FET is going to be exactly what my body needs to bring us our December baby(ies). :)
Of course, all of this is according to God's Will. He can make a baby out of 0% chance of success and He can withhold a baby with 100% chance of success. I am continually praying for peace, as I know numbers mean nothing to God. Sometimes numbers just make me feel a little better in helping me tighten my grip on hope.
The more I looked into how important the uterine lining is for implantation, the more convinced I became that if I had a thicker uterine lining I would've had a better chance of one of those babies sticking around for 9 months!
That is why my doctor, along with most REs, say that transferring more embryos increases the chances of having multiples while not necessarily increasing the chances of getting pregnant. In other words, it is the environment that the embryos are transferred into that has a huge effect on the success of implantation. If the uterine lining is too thin or if there are other obstructions in the endometrium, like polyps or fibroids, then implantation is less likely to successfully occur for all of the embryos. Whereas, if everything is seemingly "perfect" (if there's such a thing!), then implantation is more likely to successfully occur for, again, all of the embryos transferred.
Now, I'm by no means an expert, but as I've admitted before, I am a bit of a research-o-holic. However, you should not hold me as an accountable source for information. But, from what I've read, a healthy uterine cavity does seem to play a significant role in the success of IVF.
I had a laparscopy, hysteroscopy and D&C done in May 2010 to check my endometrium (I was concerned I might've had endometriosis due to ongoing cramping from ovulation to my period), but everything checked out. :)
So, that leads me to my uterine lining. Quite frankly, I didn't even know about uterine lining until I started going in for my monitoring sonograms (where they measured my follicular growth), and they kept measuring my uterine lining. I was so concerned about the size of my follicles that I didn't pay much attention to my uterine lining at all.
However, as I recall, they did tell me it was always measuring a little on the thin side. I never thought much of it, though, because I was so concerned about my darn follicles! I didn't think it was really that important, but now I realize it is!
So, the point of this post is to tell ya'll that I have a theory. And my theory is that the uterine lining is super duper important and that I'm newly convinced the new protocol for my FET is going to be exactly what my body needs to bring us our December baby(ies). :)
Of course, all of this is according to God's Will. He can make a baby out of 0% chance of success and He can withhold a baby with 100% chance of success. I am continually praying for peace, as I know numbers mean nothing to God. Sometimes numbers just make me feel a little better in helping me tighten my grip on hope.
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