It's Really Starting to Hit Me

I'm getting nervous. Every time I think about going through with IVF, I feel like I want to cry. I'm so nervous that we'll do it and it won't work and we'll be $15,000 in the hole with nothing to show for it. I'm so nervous that I won't be able to bounce back from that.

Aaron has been sensing my mood. He can tell when I'm in this funk. He can tell when I'm thinking tons of thoughts that I'm not sharing. He knows when to ask questions and when to give me space. And usually, when he asks what is wrong, he hears, "I'm fine" in response. Do you know what fine really means??? According to my husband, it means that I am...

F - freaked out,
I - insecure,
N - neurotic, and
E - emotional.

Sadly, he's right on all four counts.

Of course, I laugh whenever he gives me the "true" definition of being fine, but then from the laughter comes tears. The real ones. The ones that I hold in for so long.

I feel like a dam! I really do! I feel like I'm holding all this weight and pressure behind me, a wall of water (my infertility) pounding against my back, pushing at me, wearing me down. But, I stand strong! Every once in awhile I break down and the tears flow (and, oh, do they flow), but who doesn't feel better after a good cry? So, I regroup, focus on God and my family, and build myself back up into that strong dam.

And after 25 months, you better believe that I'm a strong woman!

But...

If this IVF fails, I don't know how quickly I'll be able to rebuild myself. I fear that I'll be indefinitely unfixed. I fear that the hope I'm so tightly holding onto will be silenced from the loud scream of defeat.

Because there is a chance...a 50/50 chance (althought my doctor quoted me 60/40)...that I will not conceive via IVF. I'm not a gambling woman and if I were at a casino and was told to drop $15,000 with a 50% shot of winning, I'd say, "Peace out!" and walk the other way.

But if I were told to drop $15,000 with a 50% shot of having a baby, I'd do it! Which is why Aaron and I are going for it!

Lets just hope I haven't used up all my strength by then so that if it doesn't work, I'm able to build myself back up again.