I'm getting nervous. Every time I think about going through with IVF, I feel like I want to cry. I'm so nervous that we'll do it and it won't work and we'll be $15,000 in the hole with nothing to show for it. I'm so nervous that I won't be able to bounce back from that.
Aaron has been sensing my mood. He can tell when I'm in this funk. He can tell when I'm thinking tons of thoughts that I'm not sharing. He knows when to ask questions and when to give me space. And usually, when he asks what is wrong, he hears, "I'm fine" in response. Do you know what fine really means??? According to my husband, it means that I am...
F - freaked out,
I - insecure,
N - neurotic, and
E - emotional.
Sadly, he's right on all four counts.
Of course, I laugh whenever he gives me the "true" definition of being fine, but then from the laughter comes tears. The real ones. The ones that I hold in for so long.
I feel like a dam! I really do! I feel like I'm holding all this weight and pressure behind me, a wall of water (my infertility) pounding against my back, pushing at me, wearing me down. But, I stand strong! Every once in awhile I break down and the tears flow (and, oh, do they flow), but who doesn't feel better after a good cry? So, I regroup, focus on God and my family, and build myself back up into that strong dam.
And after 25 months, you better believe that I'm a strong woman!
But...
If this IVF fails, I don't know how quickly I'll be able to rebuild myself. I fear that I'll be indefinitely unfixed. I fear that the hope I'm so tightly holding onto will be silenced from the loud scream of defeat.
Because there is a chance...a 50/50 chance (althought my doctor quoted me 60/40)...that I will not conceive via IVF. I'm not a gambling woman and if I were at a casino and was told to drop $15,000 with a 50% shot of winning, I'd say, "Peace out!" and walk the other way.
But if I were told to drop $15,000 with a 50% shot of having a baby, I'd do it! Which is why Aaron and I are going for it!
Lets just hope I haven't used up all my strength by then so that if it doesn't work, I'm able to build myself back up again.
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6 comments:
Thanks for sharing your raw emotions. I think what you are feeling is pretty common going into an IVF cycle. We are still in the iui stage, but I am already having the same thoughts as you about our "what if" IVFs down the road.
I think I have my moments of being "fine" just about everyday. Thats ok though, we're human and walking a really hard path. I'll be praying for peace.
I feel the same way about the odds. I am not a gambler. I would never ever gamble anything close to 15k. But.. to have a baby, if I've got the money or can get the money..count me in. Crazy what this does. Try not to focus on what you will do if it doesn't work. (I know impossible) Wihsing you all the best!
I also feel fine...your hubby's definition is perfect. Try to stay positive for the upcoming IVF…I know that is easier said than done but it’s necessary.
I have these emotions almost every other day! One day I'm optimistic and postivie, the next day I'm fearful and negative.
It is very hard to get over a failed IVF. Took me several months.
I'm really freaked out this time because Hubby is drawing the line after this one. No more trying for a baby PERIOD. Not even adoption.
Yikes!!
My husband says the same thing to me about FINE...of course, then I start crying too. You are a strong woman, with an even more incredibly strong God to support you. Hang in there.
I'm so happy to have found your blog. I'm reading back through a lot of your old posts, and this one really strikes a chord with me. My husband and I are planning our first IVF round for this coming August, and I'm terrified of spending all this money and it still not working. IVF was always sort of my last resort, safety-net. Now, with it staring me in the face, I'm scared. It's definitely helpful to read your story and to read your recent good news!
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