What I Am Afraid Of
Now knowing about Aaron's sperm quality and the reality that our only way of conceiving is through IVF with ICSI, my obvious fear is that Ella will be our only child (or, our only biological child).
I'm afraid IVF won't work and we'll literally throw $15,000 (or more!) out the window, and subsequently, have to live a financially strapped life for nothing.
I'm afraid that if IVF doesn't work, we won't have the financial means to possibly do a frozen embryo transfer (that is, if we are so fortunate to have embryos leftover to freeze).
I'm afraid that if IVF doesn't work, we won't be able to fork out the thousands of dollars to adopt.
I'm afraid of what the financial repercussions will be on Aaron, Ella and me as we try to reach our dream.
I'm afraid of what the emotional repercussions will be on Aaron, Ella and me if our family stops here.
I'm afraid that I will not accept money being the only factor stopping us from growing our family. Money is just money, but family is my heart, my world, my everything! How can I possibly consider stopping from gaining the whole world due to something so unimportant as money? Money can't love back. Money can't give me my heart's desires. And that is why I'm willing to trade money (and lots of it!) to grow my family. But, I'm afraid I would not know when to draw the line, if it came to that.
I'm praying with all my heart, mind, body and soul that God will so bless us with a successful IVF, so that all these fears can be wiped away. And even if we are not so blessed, I will strive to live by this Bible verse...
I'm afraid IVF won't work and we'll literally throw $15,000 (or more!) out the window, and subsequently, have to live a financially strapped life for nothing.
I'm afraid that if IVF doesn't work, we won't have the financial means to possibly do a frozen embryo transfer (that is, if we are so fortunate to have embryos leftover to freeze).
I'm afraid that if IVF doesn't work, we won't be able to fork out the thousands of dollars to adopt.
I'm afraid of what the financial repercussions will be on Aaron, Ella and me as we try to reach our dream.
I'm afraid of what the emotional repercussions will be on Aaron, Ella and me if our family stops here.
I'm afraid that I will not accept money being the only factor stopping us from growing our family. Money is just money, but family is my heart, my world, my everything! How can I possibly consider stopping from gaining the whole world due to something so unimportant as money? Money can't love back. Money can't give me my heart's desires. And that is why I'm willing to trade money (and lots of it!) to grow my family. But, I'm afraid I would not know when to draw the line, if it came to that.
I'm praying with all my heart, mind, body and soul that God will so bless us with a successful IVF, so that all these fears can be wiped away. And even if we are not so blessed, I will strive to live by this Bible verse...
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
Having faith is the opposite of worrying, so I am trying to put my fears aside and living faithfully.
3 comments:
Thanks for checking in on my blog. With IVF, the secret is to take it one step at a time. I know it's hard, but try not to think about all the possible "What if's?" You figure if I've learned to do that after my whole crappy story, anyone can do it! Wishing you luck-
Jess
I think your fears are very normal and expected on this jounrey. It is so hard to know where and how to draw lines that seem like they should not have to be drawn.
I agree that all your fears are valid b/c there are so many unknowns and no guarantees.
Belief, Hope, Faith and positive thinking .. keep them going.
Sending you positive vibes and I hope this IVF works for you.... I wish you luck!!
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