8 Weeks

How Far Along: 8 weeks!

Size of Baby:  On average 0.63 inches and 0.04 oz. (The size of a big raspberry). My uterus, however, is the size of a grapefruit. No wonder I'm feeling all that pulling and cramping. Making room for that baby!

Picture of Baby: No picture this week.

8 weeks - Baby Johnson is growing at an amazing rate — about a millimeter every day — and now is the size of a large raspberry. He/she is looking a lot less reptilian (even though he/she has webbed fingers and toes, his/her tail is just about gone) and a lot more baby-like these days, as are his/her lips, nose, eyelids, legs, and back continue to take shape. His/her heart is beating at the incredible rate of 150 times per minute — about twice as fast as mine! And even though I can't yet feel it, he/she is now making spontaneous movements as he/she twitches her tiny trunk and limb buds. (Information taken from What to Expect's website).

Maternity Clothes: I might be shopping this weekend. :)

Weight Gain: I didn't gain or lose this week. Still down about four pounds since the day of the FET.

Belly: Definitely looking pregers. (Don't mind the electronics on the floor. Still cleaning up the future nursery!).

Stretch Marks: I have them, but none from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: I've been going to bed early, but having a hard time staying asleep. Weird sleep patterns this past week. I don't know what's up with that. I'm also afraid to lay on my stomach already. (I know, that's ridiculous!). So, maybe because I'm consciously aware of what position I'm in, I'm not sleeping as soundly. I don't know!

Best Moment of the Week: Soaking in the congratulations over Easter with my family! Everybody's love, support and excitement meant the world to us.

Movement: Even though Jelly Bean is moving around in there, I can't feel it.

Symptoms: Same as last week...nausea (with throwing up!) and fatigue. However, I've been feeling more stretching pains lately! Any sort of cramping is scary, but I think it's safe to say this cramping means one thing...the baby is growing! :)

Food Cravings: Potato salad. 'Nuf said.

Gender: Aaron and Ella think we're having a girl. I think it's a boy.

What I Miss: Breakfast. It just ain't happening these days. I nibble on Saltines and apple sauce at work all morning.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Seeing Jelly Bean on May 16th and meeting the doctor who will be bringing him/her into the world. :)

Weekly Wisdom: Listen to your body. If you need to rest...REST!

Milestones: 8 weeks. That's enough of a milestone for me! :)

Emotions: I haven't been as irritable lately. Thank goodness! Maybe my body is getting used to the pregnancy hormones. I've just been happy, lately. Nauseas, but very, very happy...just as it should be.

Waiting Doesn't Stop with the 2 WW

Hands down, the two week wait is the worst. The time from when you might have conceived to the time of finding out if you did is an extremely long wait. I went through many, many of those waits. Believe me, they are the worst!

But, once you do conceive, once those two lines finally appear, the waiting does not end. I thought it would! But, boy, I could not have been more wrong.

You wait for beta results (if you went through infertility treatment, that is).

You wait for your first sonogram.

You wait for your second sonogram.

And, I am now in the process of waiting for my third sonogram.

I'll admit...I was completely spoiled being able to see Jelly Bean at six weeks and then again at seven weeks, but now I have to wait...

...until I'm 10-1/2 weeks.

Yes, you heard right. :(

My first appointment with my new OB-GYN is not until May 16th!!! I was so disappointed when the receptionist said that was the soonest I could get in. It seriously makes me want to call another OB-GYN to see if I could get in sooner, but this office has been favorably recommended by my RE and a couple who also went through IVF, so I'm planning on sticking out the wait.

It just makes me nervous to go that long without seeing my Jelly Bean.

Not knowing what's going on in there! Is he/she growing well? How's his/her heart beating?

Thankfully, my nausea is still in full force, which reminds me that my body is still telling itself that it's pregnant. My fatigue is also putting me to bed the same time as Ella every night. No joke.

But, naturally, I worry when I feel too much stretchy cramps, and then I worry when I feel too little stretchy cramps. I worry when my boobs hurt less one day over another.

However...worry is the opposite of having faith! So, I'm going to put all my faith in God to protect our baby. I pray he will continually bless this pregnancy. He has entrusted this family with this baby, giving us the utmost honor to bring another Johnson into the world, and it's unfair to God for me to worry so much. It's unfair for me to not put all my trust in God.

So, even though I'm going to endure a painfully long wait the next 2-1/2 weeks, I am not going to worry. I am going to keep one hand on my belly and the other lifted up to my God, thanking Him for my Jelly Bean. Because, even though I can't see how he/she is doing in there, God knows. Because, after all...

"[God] created my inmost being; [He] knit me together in my mother’s womb." (Psalm 139:13).

My Infertility: A to Z

I've seen this infertility questionnaire floating around some blogs I'm following and thought it'd be a fun way for ya'll to learn more about our journey through infertility.

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

A.  Age when you started TTC (trying to conceive): 25 years and 2 months. (Wow, that sounds so young!).

B.  Baby dancing or sex: Ummm...what???

C.  Children wanted: I always wanted 4 kids, but Aaron liked the idea of 2 kids, so we "compromised" on 3 kids. However, with all we had to go through to have our second child, I'm thinking Aaron might get his way.

D.  Dogs/cats/fill in children: 2 dogs - a black lab mix and a pug. :)

E.  Essential oils/vitamins/snake oils: Snake oils? Huh? I take 2 fish oil vitamins a day, 1 flaxseed oil vitamin in the morning, and 1 prenatal vitamin in the morning.

F.  Fertility meds. I've taken: Clomid, Lupron, Follistim, Menopur. I think that's it.

G.  Gain: Lord, have mercy! Since trying to conceive, I gained back all the weight I had lost, which is roughly 20 to 25 pounds. The last 5 pounds were from all the fertility drugs being pumped in my body. However, on the bright side, I only weighed 10 pounds more when I conceived our second child than when I conceived Ella. That makes it sound not as bad. :)

H.  HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Both tubes are clear!

I.  Infertile pet peeves: I try not to judge other people's comments because I believe their intention never is to hurt. They just don't know what to say because they haven't gone through it. But, trust me, there were lots of times where comments were made that had my blood boiling.

J.  Job title: Paralegal. (How is this infertility related?).

K.  Kids' names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Aaron and I have a name picked out for if its a boy and a few in mind for if its a girl. And, hey, if somebody else uses it, oh well! I've waited too long to use a back up name! :)

L.  Length of time TTC (trying to conceive): A little over 2-1/2 years. Yikes.

M. Miscarriages:  None. And I'm praying everyday that doesn't change.

N.  Number of times you’ve switched OB-GYNs or REs: I'm looking to switch to a new OB-GYN now that I'm pregnant (not a big fan of my old office - they were not a very supportive team when I was trying to conceive). And, I only met one RE. After I met him, I knew I didn't need to look anywhere else.

O.  Ovarian quality: Good!

P.  POAS (pee on a stick) or wait for period: When I first started trying to conceive, I'd POAS every month. After a few months of that, I stopped wasting money on those tests. In fact, I don't think I had any home pregnancy tests in my house for like 1-1/2 years. I didn't POAS with my first IVF, but for some reason, I did with my FET. I don't know where that push came from, but I'm glad I did. It put me out of misery for 5 days before my Beta!

Q.  Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Complaints about their kids (on Facebook, sometimes). It's hard to read that because I know a ton of infertile women who would (and do!) give anything for that.

S.  Sperm: Aaron has lots of them...170 million with his last semen analysis. His morphology, on the other hand, is no bueno, with 99% being abnormal. His motility is also borderline.

T.  Time you tried naturally: We tried naturally for 1 year, then I did a few months on Clomid (with mid-cycle sonogram monitoring), had an HSG done, had a laparosocpy, hysteroscopy and D&C done, tried naturally a few more months until we met with our RE after about 2 years of trying to conceive. After Aaron's sperm quality was discovered, it was rock and roll time and we moved onto testing, etc. for IVF and then our FET.

U.  Uterus quality: Good!

V.  Vagina: What does this have to do with infertility? I'm a girl. I have one. Yes.

W.  What baby stuff do you still have? A buttload of baby girl clothes. Baby girl bedding (from Ella). We kept Ella's old highchair, pack-n-play, crib, jumper, swing, etc. but a few of those things are going to be replaced because Ella used the heck out of them. :)

X. X-tra X-tra...hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? A select few know everything. But, my blog really opened my journey up to everybody. :)

Y. Yearly exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I needed to go a few months ago for my annual papsmear, so I'm sure my new OB-GYN is going to perform one of those after he hears that. :)

Z. Zits: Surprisingly, I haven't gotten much during this pregnancy. (I hope I didn't just jinx that!).

An Eggs-cellent Easter Weekend

I could write an entire post about our Easter weekend, but instead, I'm just going to leave you with a bunch of pictures. Enjoy!

7 Weeks

How Far Along: 7 weeks!

Size of Baby: About half an inch. (The size of a blueberry).

Picture of Baby: Here is a picture of what Jelly Bean looks like in there.

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

7 weeks - Baby Johnson is now about the size of a blueberry (and about 10,000 times bigger than he/she was at conception). Most of that growth is concentrated in the head as new brain cells are generated at the rate of 100 per minute! His/her mouth and tongue are forming as arm and leg buds sprout, and those little kidneys are getting ready to do their job (pee production and excretion). (Information taken from What to Expect's website).

Maternity Clothes: I think it might be time to find some maternity clothes clearance deals. :)

Weight Gain: I lost another couple pounds this past week. I'm throwing up daily and the nausea won't let up. I even wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I need to ralph. I'm keeping myself hydrated, though, and drinking plenty of water. :)

Belly: No belly pic this week!

Stretch Marks: I have them, but none from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: Did you say sleep??? Anytime, anywhere! I'm so tired. All. The. Time. I wished my days could include little naps. I'm sleeping very soundly at night, though, and dreams are really starting to weird me out. I remember having crazy dreams when pregnant with Ella. I think the same pattern is surfacing with this pregnancy.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing Jelly Bean Johnson for the second time and hearing his/her heartbeat!!! I'm so in love already!

Movement: That's a big NO!

Symptoms: Nausea, nausea, nausea. Oh, and fatigue!

Food Cravings: Nothing, really. The only foods I'm eating regularly are apple sauce and Saltines. I'm craving salad, though...especially Red Robin's Crispy Chicken Tender Salad. Yummy!

Gender: Aaron and Ella think we're having a girl. I think it's a boy.

What I Miss: Not being afraid to go anywhere for fear of throwing up.

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm just looking forward to getting through each day, because each day we put behind us is one day closer to meeting our little miracle.

Weekly Wisdom: Always have Saltines on hand! :)

Milestones: Hearing a strong, healthy heart beat and seeing how much Baby Jelly Bean grew in one week.

Emotions: I've been irritable. I hate that I'm so irritable because I should be out-of-this-world happy that I'm pregnant, but these pregnancy hormones are making me short-fused and crabby. Plus, I think being nauseous all the time doesn't help my mood. I'm grateful for the nausea, though, because it reminds me that I am pregnant. And, the risk of miscarriage supposedly goes down in women who experience morning sickness. That's a comforting fact!

What A Great Good Friday

Our baby was supposed to double in size this past week, and today's ultrasound revealed just that! He/she grew...a lot! :)

And, to make today's ultrasound even more special, Ella came with us! She had such an observant look on her face the entire time...carefully taking everything in. Dr. Weckstein was really great with her, including her in what was displayed on the screen, asking her if she sees the flickering heart and the baby's head. It was so special sharing this experience with Ella today. I will never forget it.

And, as if seeing the baby wasn't enough while having my "big baby" sitting next to me, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time today! It measured at a whopping 133bpm, right on track! Hearing the "ba bum, ba bum, ba bum" was so magical! Dr. Weckstein said generally a heartbeat can't be heard until the baby is further along, but his high tech instrument and our baby made some musical magic. :)

Apparently, at last week's ultrasound, the baby only measured at 5 weeks 4 days. The doctor who performed the ultrasound told us that he/she measured at 6 weeks 0 days, but I guess that measurement was big, after looking back at all the images, and Baby Jelly Bean is a couple days "younger" than we thought.

Today's ultrasound revealed the baby measuring at 6 weeks 4 days, which means he/she grew proportionally one week in size this past week. Just what we want to see! :)

And, I guess I miscalculated my due date. I thought the baby was due December 9th, but it's really December 10th. Oops! :) At least I was only off by a day, and not by an entire month or something.

Because of what was seen and heard at today's ultrasound, we have officially graduated from our RE's office. Leaving RSC Bay Area is bittersweet. The doctors, nurses and staff were all so incredibly heartwarming and sincere in their quest of making our dreams come true, and it's sad to just up and leave. (Although, I can't say I will miss the drive!). The experience there was life-changing, life-creating and I am forever indebted to Dr. Weckstein for bringing us our bundle of joy.

Today was such a blessed Good Friday! I feel so unworthy as I witness God's goodness in my life. Blessed is an understatement when I reflect on my life. He has provided for my family with limitless means, and now with my family growing, despite feeling undeserving of such goodness, He continues to provide and demonstrate His unending love for me.

Not Much to Report Here

There isn't much to report here. Taking each day as it comes, as far as my pregnancy goes. I feel with each subsequent day, my nausea gets worse. I love the constant reminder that I'm pregnant, though. I'd rather have all symptoms, than no symptoms!

Plus, I've been praying for this pregnancy for so long that I'm soaking in every minute of it...throw up and all. :)

Aside from my pregnancy, things have been going well. Aaron's gearing up for his Spring break next week (lucky duck!) and plans on doing yard work in our front yard. Our front yard has been needing major attention since we moved to this house four years ago, but the only thing we have managed to do up until this point is take everything out the prior owner put in. It was an absolute, overgrown mess! Aaron's been itching to put in some new shrubs and set up planter areas alongside our house, so he's having at it next week. Hopefully the weather will stay cool enough for him. :)

Plan Nursery is underway, with what little we can commit to at this point in the pregnancy. We moved our iMac from the former office / future nursery to our bedroom. I didn't think it'd look that good in there, since our bedroom set is dark (click HERE to see pictures of our master bedroom), and our computer desk is a light maple, but it looks just fine sitting in the corner (after moving some things around a bit, of course). Aaron didn't see the point in moving the computer and felt it could stay in the nursery, but with the longing anticipation this pregnancy has come with, I want to create a budgeted masterpiece of a nursery, and a big ol' desk and computer aren't a part of my Plan Nursery. Hormonal pregnant woman has spoken! :)

Ella's been doing wonderful in her ballet/tap class. I haven't posted many pictures this time around because her classes are in an actual studio. Meaning, the parents sit behind a glass window (allowing us to see in, but not for the kiddos to see out). Every picture is either blurry because there is no flash or blinded out with a flash on the window. I just need some of Aaron's photograph magic. :)

Sorry for the rambling post. Like I said in my title...not much to report here, so I figured I'd leave you with a few updates on our going-ons. Hope you are all having a wonderful week in preparation of Easter!

Introducing Jelly Bean Johnson

As promised, here are our baby's first pictures.

There is very little to see at 6 weeks, but what it does show is that I am pregnant and the baby and I are doing just fine. :)

The pictures consecutively zoom in, with the third picture giving the best view of the fetus. On the third picture are two small x's, where the doctor outlines the head and the rump of the baby, getting a solid measurement of his/her growth.

The baby is pressed up against the side of the gestational sac (I think that's what it's called?) and the yolk sac is attached to him/her, which provides nourishment.

I might suggest double-clicking on the pictures to get a better view, but even then, it's hard to see. (And, if you choose to double-click, you'll be able to see at the bottom left that he/she is measuring right on time. Praise, God!).

I'm excited for my ultrasound on Friday to see how much this little bean grows in one week!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

6 Weeks (and 1 Day)

How Far Along: 6 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting?). :)

Size of Baby: Average length is 5mm to 6mm, or 1/6th to 1/4th of an inch. About the size of a lima bean.

Picture of Baby: I will post yesterday's ultrasound pictures soon! (But, trust me...you can't see much!). :)

6 weeks - Baby Johnson's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, his/her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and his/her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). (Information taken from What to Expect's website).

Maternity Clothes: My lovely baby bump is very obvious. So much so, in fact, that when I wear my regular shirts, my lower belly would be exposed (if I wasn't wearing my nifty maternity jeans!). So, needless to say, I'll be wearing all maternity clothes sooner rather than later with this pregnancy.

Weight Gain: I lost 2 to 3 pounds this week. My morning/afternoon/evening sickness is really getting to me.

Belly: I definitely look more pregnant that I really am. Like I said before, second pregnancies tend to show sooner. That, and I have belly chub the baby bump has to grow off of! :)

Stretch Marks: Just the old ones from my pregnancy from Ella.

Sleep: Earlier in the week, I felt more tired, but the past two nights I was actually able to stay up until 9:30!!! I haven't done that since, gosh, the day of my FET! (No joke!).

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing our little peanut for the first time at our first ultrasound yesterday. There is truly nothing like seeing the strong flicker of a beating heart, besdies my own, in my body.

Movement: Other than the gurgle before I have to throw up...nothing. :)

Symptoms: My boobs are bigger and hurt more. The cramping has died down, but is worst when I lay in bed at night. A really bad case of morning/afternoon/evening sickness. I'm hungry, but depending on what I eat, how much I eat and how fast I eat, my stomach isn't happy with me and I'm left feeling nauseaus. I've been eating a lot of small meals throughout the day, which seems to help.

Food Cravings: I was craving Spaghettios, apple juice and sharp cheddar cheese. I went to the store to pick those things up (among other things), but unfortunately, the only thing that sat well with me was the apple juice.

Gender: Aaron and Ella think we're having a girl. I think it's a boy.

What I Miss: Diet Coke! I miss going to a restaurant and havine diet coke with my meal, rather than boring water. I know it's a bit extreme to cut out soda, but I'm trying to be careful right now.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Next Friday's sonogram - we'll be able to hear our little cashew's heartbeat for the first time! :)

Weekly Wisdom: Remember that I'm pregnant when ordering a meal out. I barely got through my dinner salad and started feeling sick. I didn't get to touch my actual dinner! What a waste!

Milestones: Seeing there really is a baby growing inside me. Seeing that this little miracle is for real!

Emotions: I've been doing really good this week. I'm definitely hormonally charged, and because of that I'm quick to lose my cool and be irrational. Thankfully, Aaron is the most patient, understanding man on the face of the planet. After an irrational outbreak, rather than "fighting back," he just tells me, "I forgive you. I know it's just the pregnancy doing this to you. I love you." He's too good to me.

My Heart is Bursting at the Seams

Although I can't say Aaron and I aren't a little disappointed there weren't two babies, we are over the moon happy to let you all know that we have one healthy peanut!!! He/she is measuring exactly to date (6 weeks 0 days) with a strong flickering heartbeat! :)

Right when the sonogram began, I saw the big black blob indicating that I am, in fact, pregnant. The doctor scrolled around looking for another, which only took a couple seconds, and my heart sank a little when I realized there was only that one black blob. One of the embryos didn't make it. :(

But, my mourning of the loss of the one embryo quickly passed as I began to focus on the beautiful peanut that did decide to stick around. :)

And, as I was focusing my attention on the black blob (where my baby should be), I started to worry. I was looking back and forth between my doctor and the monitor, and then back again to my doctor. My heart started beating really fast. My doctor just stared at the black blob, not saying anything! To an unprofessional eye (like my own), I could see absolutely nothing in it! I thought I'd be able to easily make out the embryo, but I couldn't!

My eyes starting glazing over in fear.

I thought my worst nightmare was coming true.

I thought the doctor was going to tell us there was no embryo in there.

But, after 30 very long seconds, she said, "Everything looks great. See that little flicker? That's your baby's heart beating!"

A flicker that I would've easily missed had she not pointed it out to me.

Then, she measured our little peanut and said he/she is very obedient already because he/she is measuring right on time. Thank you, God!

I have another ultrasound scheduled for next Friday (7 weeks) to hear the heartbeat. I can't wait!

I'm so happy that I can now hold my already growing baby bump and know there is a strong little baby in there, healthy and growing.

God already blessed us with a natural miracle, our beautiful daughter, Ella.

Now, He is enriching us with an IVF miracle.

I am blessed beyond words.

I am immeasurably blessed.

P.S. I will post the ultrasound pictures tomorrow! :)

Excitement and Nerves

Our first ultrasound is in a couple hours and I'm so nervous! I'm also very excited, but the nerves are getting in the way of allowing me to totally soak in the excitement of today.

Today marks the first day we get to see our baby!

But, my nerves are telling me today can also go down in the books as an awful day. A day we were supposed to see our baby for the first time.

Infertility has soured so many sweet experiences for me.

I should walk into my doctor's office today with a confident smile on my face and leave the past 2-1/2 years of pain at the door.

And, you know what...that is exactly what I'm going to do!

Take that, infertility! You've taken away so many years and months of my life, but you will not take away the next 7-1/2 months of my pregnancy. These months belong to me, my family and our growing jelly bean!

Really Starting to Feel Prego!

Cramping woke me up last night. I nudged Aaron and said, "I'm cramping quite a bit. I think there's a lot of growing happening in there right now." :)

His response (that he didn't remember saying the next day, by the way), "Of course. Because you're warm, snuggly and still."

And when I woke up, my gosh, I seriously felt larger. I know it's impossible to look pregnant at only a few weeks (I'll be 6 weeks on Friday), but I really do look and feel larger. In fact, I busted out one of my old pregnancy shirts this morning. Lord, have mercy!

I've heard that women who get pregnant as a result from IVF tend to show sooner. And, I've also heard that if a woman has already been pregnant, she starts showing sooner, too, but this soon? Really???

But, believe me when I say that I'm enjoying every minute of it! :)

Because, even though I don't know what tomorrow will bring, today, I am 100% natural PREGO!

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

Sun Day on Sunday

Yet another gorgeous Spring day in California! Because I feel like I overdid myself yesterday (and which may or may not have resulted in last night's spotting), I completely took it easy today. I spent most of my day hanging out with Ella in our backyard, basking in the warm sun. Here are a few pictures taken this afternoon.

As you can see, Ella and Bob are best buds. :)

Look at Bob's face! He's totally saying, "That's the spot!"

This picture makes me laugh! They look like professional models. Who knew a 4-year old would know to pose in such a chic manner. And Bob. Oh, that Bob! Gloating in the sunshine.

Loving on his Ella.

There's that smile we love and adore! :)

I then brought out Ella's fun SpongeBob sprinkler. :)

It got a little too cold for her to run around in the sprinkler for long, but it was fun while it lasted!

As you can well see, it was a great day today! I can't say that I didn't dread every time I had to use the bathroom for fear of seeing some more blood, but thank God, there was no more spotting! Lets pray I have an uneventful week in that respect, leading up to Friday, which I count on being one of the best days of my life! :)

I Really Didn't Want to See Blood While Pregnant

Spotting. A pregnant woman's worst nightmare. Fear immediately surfaces once blood is seen. And fear is what kept me awake last night.

I woke up around 2:00 for one of my nightly bathroom visits, and sure enough, when I wiped, there was some orange-red discharge/blood gook. I let out a desperate, "No, God! No!" I wiped again, and there was more.

I quietly made myself back to bed, not really wanting to wake my snoring husband up.

I felt like I was reliving a night during my first trimester with Ella. Aaron and I were up all night with bleeding and period-like cramps. I can't remember how far along I was, but I'm guessing 6 to 7 weeks. I had spent a lot of time on the phone with my mid-wife, who told me to schedule an ultrasound first thing in the morning. She told me based on what I was telling her, it sounded like I was miscarrying.

That was such an awful night.

We ended up seeing perfect baby Ella the next morning, and the bleeding had died down.

So, I woke up Aaron, and he told me not to worry. How is that so easy for him to say? I cried (a lot), but his confidence helped my crying session from lasting all night.

And, needless to say, the bleeding (if you can call that orange-red gook that) didn't last long at all. It stopped after those two first wipes. I went to the bathroom two more times that night and nada!

Lets just say this incident left me spending a lot of time with God last night. I just prayed and prayed and prayed, and I think I fell asleep praying because I never remember saying, "Amen." :)

And now, as a result of seeing the blood, I'm so sensitive to my cramping. I'm telling Aaron it feels more like period cramps, and he's like, "But you can't be starting your period!" I explained that miscarriage cramps feel like period cramps. He just looks at me like I'm crazy because he's so confident with this entire pregnancy.

And, I am too! I really am confident. I'm just scared at the same time.

Oh, and when I told Aaron that bleeding during the first trimester is more common in twin pregnancies, he's like, "Oh, this all makes sense then, because you're pregnant with twins." Oh, Aaron. He makes me smile. :)

Anybody out there have some spotting stories to share to put my heart at ease? :)

Blessings

This song brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Walking through infertility brings more questions than answers, more pain than joy, more tears than smiles.



But, what if it is those unanswered questions that are God's blessings on us?

What if the pain we are enduring is only because God knows the joy that is coming?

What if all our tears are not forsaken, but instead are blessings in disguise? Each tear that has glazed our cheeks has not been in vain.

God hears every spoken word, cried out in anger or humbly whispered, and even if His answer is not as we would hope, His blessing is still there. He knows what he's doing, even if we feel lost, confused and angry.

Our infertility is a blessing, whether we are able to see it now or not. The painful trials God places in our lives are not for no reason at all. There is a perfect reason behind our seemingly imperfect situations, and we just have to open our eyes to see the blessings.

And, even though I'm typing this as a now pregnant woman, my heart is still that of an infertile woman. All that time fighting the fight isn't forgotten the second two lines appear. Infertility changes a woman, and I am trying to be living proof that it can change a woman for the better.

I am blessed. I am so very blessed.

I was blessed even before I became pregnant.

5 Weeks

I have seen a lot of pregnancy blogs (that were once infertility blogs!) post weekly updates on their pregnancy, and I figured it'd be really neat to document what's going on with Baby Johnson and me, so here's my first weekly entry! :)

How Far Along: 5 weeks.

Size of Baby: Average length is 1.5mm to 2.5mm. About the size of an apple seed.

Picture of Baby: Crazy to think something as advanced as this is growing inside me already.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

5 weeks - Baby Johnson now resembles a teeny tadpole (complete with a tiny tail) and is about the size of an orange seed. The circulatory (or blood) system, along with the heart, is the first part of that tiny body to be functional; and as your baby's heart starts to form, you may even be able to see it beating on an early ultrasound. Another part of your little tadpole that is under construction: the neural tube, which will eventually become your baby's brain and spinal cord. (http://www.whattoexpect.com/)

Maternity Clothes: I don't need maternity clothes yet, however I did cave and buy some maternity jeans, which I now wear. All. The. Time. The reason being is that I'm so uncomfortably bloated. I don't know what the deal is because I didn't feel the need to wear maternity clothes when pregnant with Ella until the 2nd trimester, but I feel like my stomach is being pushed outwards. It feels similar to how I felt while on stimulation injections when I had monster-sized follices growing. I also brought out the box with my old maternity clothes from the closet, washed the ones that I could see myself wearing in the future and donated the rest to Goodwill. My motto this pregnancy is comfort, so don't judge that I'm wearing maternity jeans at only 5 weeks. I now understand the appeal in Pajama Jeans. :)

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

Weight Gain: 0 pounds. I weigh what I did this time last week. My round belly would prove otherwise, though. Yikes!

Belly: You don't need to see that yet. :)

Stretch Marks: Just the old ones from my pregnancy from Ella.

Sleep: Yes, please! I've been going to bed around 8:00/8:30 every night and sleeping soundly until 6:45 in the morning. The only thing waking me up is my bladder (the peeing during the night has already begun!). I think that might also be due to the fact that I'm drinking A TON of water everday.

Best Moment of the Week: Ella surprising my parents with her "Big Sister" shirt, and then sharing in the happiness with my weeping parents (they wanted this just as bad as us!). That is, of course, tied with the phone calls from RSC on Saturday and Monday revealing good betas. :)

Movement: Ha! Nope!

Symptoms: My boobs are hurting. The cramping/fullness is constantly there, with stretching pains just inside my pelvic area on both sides (especially when I move fast). I had my first real experience with nausea yesterday morning. I ate a bowl of Cheerios and drank some orange juice and when I stood up, I had to make a mad rush to the sink. But, since I had taken all my medicines and vitamins with my breakfast, I had to hold it in. That was not fun. And, then, last night, I had really bad heartburn, which is uncharacteristic of me.

Food Cravings: Nothing yet. I've noticed I don't have as big of an appetite for dinner now, though. I could go without eating, but I know I should.

Gender: Aaron, Ella and I have our guesses, and they are all different. :)

What I Miss: Nothing!!! I wouldn't trade being pregnant for anything. But, if I have to put something, I guess I miss having the energy to stay awake to watch American Idol. :)

What I'm Looking Forward to: Next Friday's sonogram...our first glimpse of our baby(ies) and our first opportunity to hear his/her/their heart beats.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't take medicine and vitamins with breakfast. Take them with a mid-morning snack. :)

Milestones: I made it to five weeks. Right now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. To me, each day is a milestone.

Emotions: Now that the stress of waiting for beta results has passed, I feel my emotions have been more in check. Sometimes my worrisome demeanor may come across as unappreciative, but that is only because I'm a protective mama, wanting to protect my baby. :)

Worry Settling In

Now that the euphoria of being pregnant has somewhat died down, my happiness and joy is being trumped by worry and fear.

Getting through the first trimester is no guarantee. Miscarriage is far too common. I know so many people, both through blogging and in real life, that have experienced the awful nightmare of miscarrying their baby. Every time I hear about a miscarriage, my heart just sinks. There is pain in not ever getting pregnant, and then there is pain in having a pregnancy (an actual baby!) taken away. I haven't gone through the latter, but I can imagine it's absolutely unbearable.

Despite my worry, I'm trying to embrace being pregnant. I'm trying to be calm and confident that God will keep the little peanut safe. He has so wonderfully blessed my family and me. Aaron, Ella and I have gone through so much just to get to this point and I have to remain faithful that God is watching over us and our future family member.

It just scares me so much to think that it can be taken away.

My life could shatter into a million pieces in a matter of seconds.

My God is the giver life, but He also takes life away.

If I'm coming across as complaining and ungrateful for being pregnant, please don't think that. Every time I think of the little peanut growing inside of me, my heart skips a beat. I'm just so happy. But (the infamous but!) worry is making that happiness stand aside every now and again.

I'm definitely feeling pregnant now. My boobs are starting to get sore. I'm exhausted by the time I put Ella to bed between 7:30 and 8:00. I felt nausea a very little bit a couple evenings ago. The cramping/stretching sensations come and go, but I always feel a pressure down there. Like I described it before, it just feels like my uterus is full and pushing outwards. Definitely growing and making space for the little cashew! :)

Ella wanted to wear her "Big Sister" shirt to school today and when I told her couldn't yet (I'm just not ready to face that conversation with parents/teachers/aids), she uncontrollably sobbed, "But, I want to be a big sister!" It took some time to comfort her and explain that she is still a big sister, even when she doesn't wear the shirt.

Ella wants so badly to be a big sister. I pray that beautiful honor becomes a reality for her in less than eight months. :)

I Can Breath Now (2nd Beta)

I've heard people say that the second beta results are more important than the first. Why, you might ask? Because, the first beta is simply the platform to go off of. The number has to double within 48 to 72 hours to indicate there is a healthy pregnancy. Regardless of what the first beta is, that is the goal for all subsequent betas.

And, boy, I tell ya! The wait for today's phone call with today's beta result was so much more worse than Saturday's wait. On Saturday, I knew I was pregnant. Maybe I was overly confident I'd get a solid first beta. But, the fact that I peed on a stick that morning and saw two dark lines made me certain I'd have a good beta.

But today. Oh gosh! The agonizing wait in finding out if that number doubled like it should was unbearable. I was pacing all afternoon (literally!) in my parents' back yard, since I locked Ella and myself out of the house (which was likely a result of being so scatterbrained today!).

And then, I got the call. :)

My 11dp6dt beta is 388!!! The number more than doubled. It more than tripled. And it almost quadrupled! I can't believe it! Aaron and I are besides ourselves in happiness!

Here is a graph of our hCG increase the past two days. My beta is the green line. As you can see, my beta started between the average and max for a singleton pregnancy, but then my doubling rate shot it up to almost the max for a singleton pregnancy.

So, now the question is presented...is there one or two buns in my oven? Based on my first beta, I was completely sold on the idea of there being one little peanut growing in there, but with such an amazing doubling time, I can't help but think there might be two. Anybody have any thoughts out there?

I know betas cannot confirm either way, so we won't truly know until our first sonogram on Friday, April 15th. Again, we wait!

But, we wait with big fat, giddy smiles plastered on our faces. :)

I've Been Keeping A Secret from You

So, I've been keeping a pretty big secret from you for most of the week.

I know, I know...how could I keep this from you? Why did I not let everybody know? Well, a couple reasons really:

1. Aaron wouldn't let me! No joke! He told me to keep this to myself until we received confirmation from our blood test yesterday. Even though a line is a line is a line and I was clearly pregnant, there is something comforting about having a positive beta test, so I agreed with him.
2. I wanted to tell people in real life before posting anything on my blog (because I have a lot of people in real life read my blog), but I didn't want to tell everybody until beta confirmation.

So, you see, I wasn't trying to be deceiving, and it really was so hard (you have no idea!) keeping this from you all. I was almost not going to write any posts at all, but I figured you all would want to hear from me, so I tried my hardest to write posts that didn't lie to you about me knowing I'm pregnant, but still didn't let you know I'm pregnant. LOL! Make sense?

Because I didn't blog about it, here's what happened.

On my way home from work Tuesday afternoon (5dp6dt), I picked up some Walgreens home pregnancy tests. I was feeling down, really thinking it didn't work (because of the cramping), and I just wanted to put myself out of my misery to see if there was a chance that a line would show up.

Sure enough, there was a super duper faint blue line. I was cautiously excited because I've heard of evaporation lines looking like faint lines (but this wouldn't have been an evaporation line because it showed up within the first couple minutes). However, I had never seen the slightest resemblance of a line the entire time I was trying to conceive, so I was also very optimistic.

I called Aaron to have him pick up a pack First Response pregnancy tests. I told him that I think I might be pregnant. I'm sure that was the longest 40-minute drive home he's ever had. (Sorry, honey!).

So, the second he came home, using mid-afternoon urine (that I held for maybe 3 hours, so it wasn't too diluted), I peed on a stick, and sure enough...this is what we saw. It is very faint, but definitely there. You see it?

This was one of the happiest moments of my life seeing that true line. That unmistakable second line revealing to me what I longed to know for so long. That I was indeed, finally pregnant! Aaron was way cautious, though, and totally brought down the mood. Even though he knew I was right, like I said, he wanted beta conformation.

Side note: When I got pregnant with Ella, the second line was very faint as well, but I knew that a line is a line is a line so I was crying in hysteric happiness and he was like, "Lets wait to see the doctor." He sure knows how to kill a girl's thunder. I know and understand his reasoning, but still, give a pregnant girl a little slack here, especially this time around since we've gone through so much and wanted it so bad!

This is what the line looked like Wednesday morning (6dp6dt) using first morning urine. The line is maybe a little darker than the first test, but barely 12 hours had between passed, so my hCG level didn't increase that much.

Thursday morning (7dp6dt) the line was much darker and at this point, it's really starting to settle in that I'm pregnant. Aaron is finally starting to accept that this is real. :)

Friday (8dp6dt) morning's line was darker yet. Almost the same consistency as the control line. Aaron knows now. Watching the lines grow darker each day helped him come around. :)

This was the test taken the morning of our beta blood test. The lines are the same in darkness. :)

It's been a wonderful week. A very, very wonderful week. :)