"F" the New Year

No, I'm not referring to the "F Bomb." If you know me, you know that word never leaves my mouth.

But, what I'm referring to are the personal goals I'm committing myself to with the coming of 2012.

It goes without saying that 2011 was a wonderful year for my family and me. The year started out with sadness and despair, but also a sense of hope. (If you click on that link, you will see that I wrote, "2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!" And, boy, was I right!).

Going into 2011, I resolved to let go and let God and redirect my mind. I went into the New Year without knowing when we would move forward with our frozen embryo transfer (FET), or if we even would (due to finances)! I went into the New Year not knowing that our FET would result in a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby boy. I went into the New Year with so many questions unanswered and so much pain, but I am coming out of it with all my questions answered and a healed heart and soul. I now understand why God insisted I waited so long for my son. I know why I went through a failed IVF cycle. Tristan is the answer!!! If I had gotten pregnant any other time, Tristan would not be my son. He is the little man God intended for this family all along. I just needed to have more faith in God's beautiful plan for this family...for my son.

But, now, going into 2012, my resolutions will not revolve around conceiving my second child. Instead, they will revolve around making me a better me!

I resolve to work on:

Family... Time management is so key in life, and especially when it comes to my family. Now, with Tristan here, I clearly see that I need to manage my time better to allow for more time with my family and more "me time" (so I can keep my sanity!).

Faith... My faith always has room for growing. Even though it has grown so much the past few years, I feel like it can grow even more. Infinitely more. Other than attending church, I plan on committing to some sort of devotional that challenges me. I already read Proverbs 31's daily devotions, but I'd like to get some spiritual enlightenment from recreational reading and other devotions. I gain so much through these types of things!

Fitness... Fitness has pretty much left my vocabulary the past few years. While trying to conceive, going through infertility treatment and then being pregnant, I stopped exercising. I feel "flabby, fat and lazy" (know what Disney movie that line is from?), and now that I am pretty much fully healed from my c-section, I am finally going to get my exercising "mojo" back.

Food... Along those same lines, I'm going to commit to eating healthier. I have joined WeightWatchers to help keep me on track. Two words...portion control! I'm not going to give up a trip to In-n-Out every now and again or some frozen yogurt with Reese's on top, but I am going to portion control. Infertility took my body and had its way with it, and I'm going to take control of it and return it to what it used to be.

Happy New Years, everybody! May 2012 bless each and every one of you. :)

What We'll Do Differently with our FET

If a couple's first IVF cycle doesn't work, it can be seen as trial by error opportunity. The RE is given the chance to analyze the failed cycle, solve any possible problems that might've risen and make any necessary changes that might result in a positive outcome the second time around.

And that is exactly how I am viewing things right now.

After meeting with Dr. Weckstein on Friday, and despite being told that we won't be able to conceive naturally on our own, I left the appointment feeling better than going in, simply for the fact that Dr. Weckstein reassured me on things that, quite frankly, I needed reassurance on.

The day of the transfer, my uterine lining was measured at 8.4. And even though any number above 8 is good, Dr. Weckstein would like to see a thicker uterine lining for our FET. 8.4 is considered a touch on the thin side. The thicker the uterine lining, the better it is for implantation. Makes sense.

So, instead of one Estrace (estrogen) tablet twice a day, as I did with our fresh IVF cycle, Dr. Weckstein is going to have me take two Estrace tablets twice a day, and then insert one vaginally. Sounds weird, I know, but somehow it absorbs right into my uterus that way.

Also, during my uterine sounding, Dr. Weckstein was able to go right through my cervix. No second tries, no complications...just a smooth entry. Nothing like when I had the actual transfer done. The reason being is because my bladder was not full!

During a transfer, the RE typically likes the bladder to be full because it's easier for them to see the uterus during the sonogram, but Dr. Weckstein thinks it'd be best for me to not have such a full bladder with our FET. And trust me, I'd prefer that! It's so uncomfortable holding in a full bladder while being "worked on" down there.

So, changes will be made for our upcoming FET, and hopefully these changes will make the difference needed to bring us our baby(ies).

But, before jumping into our FET, which Dr. Weckstein said we could do as soon as this next cycle (once I start my period), I am still working on making positive changes spiritually, physically and mentally. Because, right now, I'm not strong enough to fight through another negative result.

My Resolve for 2011

This is the traditional post of my New Year's resolutions. I feel pushed to write this post because I want to document how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.

So much has happened this past year that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. My surgeries, the drugs, the tests, the failed IUI and lastly, the failed IVF. It wasn't until we reached over 2 years of trying to conceive that it was discovered our infertility was a result of male infertility factor. With Aaron's sperm having 99% abnormal morphology, our only chance of conceiving is IVF (with ICSI). We were confident going into our first IVF cycle, but brokenhearted and numb coming out of it.

But, now that we know the cause of our infertility, we can move forward with certainty. I no longer need to have tests run on me. Everything checks out with me. And, for that, I'm thankful!

And even though everything checks out with me and all my women parts are doing what they are supposed to, so much of me still does not check out.

My soul is bruised.

My body is unrecognizable.

My mind is blurred.

So, for 2011, I resolve to fix all that. I resolve to:

Let go and let God. The only way to find peace as we continue on this journey is to stop trying to control what so clearly is not something I can control. My soul is bruised because I bring myself down. I don't allow peace to overcome me. I refuse to welcome God's plan to work in my life because it does not match with my plan for my life. So, the more I let go and let God, the more I will find peace and heal my bruised soul.

Lose My Infertility Weight. With all the drugs, injections, emotional eating, it's no wonder I'm ending 2010 heavier than going into it. I took too seriously refraining from exercising during each two-week wait (or should I say two-week "weight"?). I didn't want to interrupt possible implantation! With the lack of exercise during that time, eventually I just stopped exercising period. So, combine that with food being my friend, I gained weight.

And, even though my RE says I'm in a healthy range for IVF, I know my BMI is at the upper end of the range, so my goal is to lower my BMI before we move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. Our FET is our last shot, as I see it, because realistically, paying for another full IVF cycle (roughly $15,000) is just not realistic for us. So, I want to go into it feeling confident that we did everything we possibly could, physically and mentally, which brings me to my next resolution.

Redirect My Mind. My mind is my worst enemy. You would think infertility is my worst enemy, but it is how I perceive my infertility that is really haunting me. It has consumed me. I feel I've missed out on so much beauty because of this darned disease. My little Ella is not so little anymore and I can't believe for over half her life, I've been in this burdening funk of not getting pregnant. I hate to think I might've missed out on some wonderful times with her because I was too preoccupied in my personal battle, so this year, and all years to come, I'm going to make the strongest effort to focus on my beautiful miracle. After all, after learning about Aaron's sperm, she truly is our miracle. :)

My husband puts it best in this poem of his New Year's resolution...

I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about now.
I'm going to spend more of next year thinking about today.
I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about us.
And I have a lot to pray about, so this next year I'm going to pray.
There were so many weeks,
I just wanted the week to end.
There were so many weeks,
That the months just blend.
So I'm going to love my life.
I will love every moment.
I'm going to love my daughter and wife.
They are my souls component.
It's time to make some changes,
So let the new year roll,
To cherish every second I'm given?
2011 I'm livin' that goal.

Happy New Year, everybody! Lets make it a good one! :)