Well, Now We Know

An anonymous friend, and avid blog reader, gave me $15.00 today. At first, I was confused. Why on earth would he give me a blank envelope with $15.00? Then, I remembered!

I remembered writing in my previous post, why waste $15.00 on a pregnancy test?

Well, he apparently didn't see it as a waste to use his $15.00 for this purpose, so right after work and picking Ella up from school, I stopped by the nearby Walgreens and made my first purchase of a home pregnancy test (HPT) in, seriously, over a year.

I can't say my heart wasn't pounding out of my chest as I waited for the results to display. I was so nervous. All the excitement I felt when we first started trying to conceive resurfaced. Hope fogged my eyes with tears. Adrenalin kept my heart at a rapid peace. All the while, I kept thinking, "Could this really be it? Is this going to be my moment? My time to shine?"

After the required two minutes lapsed, I saw that it was not my time. :(

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

And even though I was hoping my late period (which still hasn't come by the way!) meant something other than my body's hormonal equilibrium being off, I'm okay.

I'm okay I'm not pregnant.

I'm okay because I have three promising frosties waiting for me. Three embryos that have already been created and filled with all the hope and potential in the world. Three future babies I am so excited to bring into this world (God-willing).

God is still writing my Mom Story, of that I am absolutely certain, so I just have to remain faithful.

And, even though my heart broke a little today, I'm okay.

And, as if God knew what I needed to read shortly after my negative HPT, I came across this Bible verse in my friend, Jennifer's blog.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. (Habakkuk 2:3)

Thank you, Jennifer. And, thank you, anonymous friend. :)

Home is Where the Heart is

Days Fifteen and Sixteen

Bible Verse and Dream House

As you can probably tell, I'm zooming through my 30-day blog challenge. :)

One of my favorite Bible verses is, As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15) I would love to get this wall vinyl someday.

My dream house would include the following:

• Lots of windows;
• 4 bedrooms / 2-1/2 baths;
• Big kitchen with new counters and cabinets (similar to this, in my wildest dreams!);

• Beautifully landscaped yard; and
• In Oregon.

Speaking of Oregon, I'm going to cut this short and go enjoy the Portland-esque weather outside. Bring on the wind, rain and dark clouds! :)

What am I afraid of?

Day Ten

What I Am Afraid Of

Now knowing about Aaron's sperm quality and the reality that our only way of conceiving is through IVF with ICSI, my obvious fear is that Ella will be our only child (or, our only biological child).

I'm afraid IVF won't work and we'll literally throw $15,000 (or more!) out the window, and subsequently, have to live a financially strapped life for nothing.

I'm afraid that if IVF doesn't work, we won't have the financial means to possibly do a frozen embryo transfer (that is, if we are so fortunate to have embryos leftover to freeze).

I'm afraid that if IVF doesn't work, we won't be able to fork out the thousands of dollars to adopt.

I'm afraid of what the financial repercussions will be on Aaron, Ella and me as we try to reach our dream.

I'm afraid of what the emotional repercussions will be on Aaron, Ella and me if our family stops here.

I'm afraid that I will not accept money being the only factor stopping us from growing our family. Money is just money, but family is my heart, my world, my everything! How can I possibly consider stopping from gaining the whole world due to something so unimportant as money? Money can't love back. Money can't give me my heart's desires. And that is why I'm willing to trade money (and lots of it!) to grow my family. But, I'm afraid I would not know when to draw the line, if it came to that.

I'm praying with all my heart, mind, body and soul that God will so bless us with a successful IVF, so that all these fears can be wiped away. And even if we are not so blessed, I will strive to live by this Bible verse...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Having faith is the opposite of worrying, so I am trying to put my fears aside and living faithfully.

Breathe

Keri Wyatt Kent, author of Breathe, writes,

"We are created in the image of God, and he modeled for us a way of life that makes sense for how we are created. Here's how to dance the dance of life, he said: work, be creative, use your imagination, throw yourself into it, whether you are washing dishes, reading to your kids and running a household, or trading stocks, reading corporate reports, and running a business. ...At the end of each day, stop. Take a rest, eat a good meal, get enough sleep, and refresh yourself. Take time to think about your day, to notice where God was in it and where you were blessed, and to say, "It's good." Then go back at it the next day. And after six days, take a whole day off. And say, "It's really good." Spend a whole day just pausing, just reflecting on how really good it is, and then start the dance again, at a sustainable pace."

Sometimes I get stuck in the monotony of my life. Every weekday (and even weekends) seemingly feels the same - get ready for work, get Ella ready for school, drop Ella off at school, go to work, pick Ella up from school, go home to the constant flow of housework, paperwork and Ella time, make dinner, do the dinner dishes, then it's the whole bath / story / bed time routine. But, rather than seeing the sameness as nothing special, I need to find time to pause. To breath. To see God throughout my day. To feel His presence. To discover that my days are beautiful! My life is beautiful.

We all get so consumed in the routine of our lives. Days quickly turn into weeks, and weeks into months, without so much as a blink of an eye. The rhythm of life so quickly takes away from the beauty of life. We all at one time or another need to stop focusing so much on our to-do list and our demanding schedule, but instead pause, breath, and seek God in everything we do. See everything we do, even in its monotony, and find the beauty in it. Every opportunity, even the smallest, most seemingly unimportant ones, are God-given. And it is only when we seek Him that we will find Him, and our lives will take on a whole new meaning. :)

"From there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul." (Deuteronomy 4:29)

Patience is Hard to Come By

If I had to choose three words to describe my life right now it would be LACK OF PATIENCE!!!

There is so much in my life testing my level of patience. Not only is my infertility teaching me the hard lesson of patience, but many other areas of my life are also being tested.

Ella is going through a phase right now. I can't quite get a hold of where this phase is stemming from, but she has pretty much stopped listening to Aaron and me. I realize her independence is shining through and she is trying to grow into her own person and test her limits on her way, but the respect she used to have for us is out the door. She is testing my patience all...the...time. Being patient towards Ella comes naturally, though, because she is my daughter and my unconditional love for her kicks in, but I still wish her listening ear hadn't gone deaf.

Also, my cupboard project is going to take absolutely forever. I went into this project blindly ignorant as to how much time and energy will go into it. In my mind, I didn't think it'd be this time-consuming. In any case, I plan on doing a little each day. I want to keep the fun in remodeling my kitchen without the task becoming daunting and overwhelming. Wish me luck!

Thirdly, losing weight is requiring a lot...and, I mean A LOT...of patience. As I said in my post, Infertility Fifteen, Aaron and I are striving to lead healthier lives. Aaron re-joined the gym (in fact, that is where he is as I write this) and we both are more conscious of what we are eating and portioning our shares. I'm eating as if I'm pregnant already...feeding my body the nutrition a growing baby would need. It's still hard, though, and I struggle, but at the end of the day, I am willing to sacrifice momentary pleasure of indulging in some of my favorite foods with the flicker of hope that perhaps this healthy lifestyle will help us conceive our second child.

Food has always been my therapy. It helps me cope. However, I'm trying to retrain myself to turn to God, Aaron and my family when needing a coping mechanism. I need to rely on them, rather than food, to help with the pain I'm experiencing with my infertility.

So, as I take each day as it comes, I will "[w]ait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." (Psalm 27:14 (NLT)). For, as Wendy wrote in The Waiting, "God doesn't waste time; He holds it in His hands. He redeems it by using our experiences to prosper us in each season of life."

Only God Knows

It feels really great to have this release of writing. It makes me so happy to be able to communicate my feelings, my ideas, my family and my life with the world at large. My life, good and bad, is not something I want to keep to myself and I enjoy sharing it with all of you. Blogging has become an outlet for me and has helped me tremendously as I continue battling infertility.

Even though my infertility is embarrassing, saddening, unexpected and undeserving, it is what it is. It is God's meticulously designed plan for my life. I don't question His plan when things are going good in my life, so why should I question Him when things are going seemingly bad? There is no such thing as an unnecessarily bad thing in one's life. God promises there is always silver lining to dark clouds. Perhaps this "bad" in my life is necessary for a purpose larger than being a parent to a second child?

So, as I continue waiting, I have to focus on conquering my depression about my infertility and having faith. Let go and let God, as it is so commonly said. I have Ella as my daily reminder that God is good and His provision for my life is nothing to be questioned. He showed me that He wants me to be a parent the day He gave me Ella. But a parent to how many kids? Only God knows. If Ella is my one and only...well...I'll have to digest that when the time comes. I'll never give up, though! It's not in me to give up.

A Bible verse I'd like to share with you that brings reassurance to my heart is from Psalm 139:1-4.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

May we all rest assured in those words.

Unexplained Infertility = Act of God

I'm in a lot of pain right now...much more than I thought I would be.  My shoulders and ribs hurt so bad from being blown up with carbon dioxide and from the anesthesia .  My throat is wildly sore from the tube being forced down it.  And every movement I make hurts my stomach area.  I have two incision sites - one right near my belly button and the other, a longer cut, is located at my lower left abdomen (practically on top of my c-section scar).  I was prescribed vicodin and ibuprofen, but neither seem to be helping much with the pain.  I know I'd be in much worse pain with no pain meds, though.  I'm just very grateful that I have a 3-day weekend to take it easy and allow my body to heal.

But let me tell you about yesterday.  Firstly, I woke up and read my daily devotion, as I do most every morning, and the Bible verse the devotion reflected on was as follows:

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:32.  Isn't that the most appropriate Bible verse for me to read yesterday?

Despite that Bible verse and devotion making me feel better, I was still very quiet and tense most of the morning.  Aaron sensed it and waited for me to come to him in conversation and hugs.  When we arrived at the hospital at 10:00 and checked in with the admit people, I almost immediately went into the surgical center where they prepped me for the O.R.  Before that, though, they required I provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test.  What a big slap in the face!  I know it's standard procedure to ask all menstruating women going into surgery, but I just wanted to be like, "Uh, hello!  I'm not pregnant, hence why I'm here!"

They tagged me with the typical hospital wristband with my name, date of birth, etc., but also with a huge red wristband saying "ALLERGY ALERT."  I found out the hard way that I am allergic to Reglan, an IV medicine given to help nausea.  That's another interesting story.  Remind me to tell you sometime.  I got decked up in the oh-so-flattering hospital gown, sat down in the surprisingly comfortable twin-sized hospital bed and waited and waited and waited to be wheeled away.

So, at about 11:40, the O.R. nurse came in and rolled me away without giving me a chance to get one last kiss from Aaron.  Luckily, he was able to go with me into the next waiting area, where we were to have a brief consult with Dr. Dekhordi (my OB-GYN performing the surgeries), the anesthesiologist and another nurse.  Soon after getting to this second waiting area, Aaron gave me a kiss.  He said he didn't want them to whisk me away without getting a proper goodbye again.  I thought that was very sweet and it made me tear up.

Some much-needed comic relief came from the old man next to us.  We were separated from him only by a curtain, and he was also soon going in for surgery.  During his consult with his doctor, the doctor asked if he had a wife or any family waiting in the waiting room for him.  He said, "No, I'm looking for a wife, though," and then he mumbled something about how he's old and has no money and so he's having a hard time finding a lady.  Aaron and I couldn't help but laugh.  We couldn't have asked for a more perfect timing for a good laugh.

At 12:13 I entered the bright, sterile operating room.  Looking around at all the machinery made me dizzy and overwhelmed, so I just kept my focus on my doctor's kind eyes.  Once they got me all set up and attached to the machines (you know, the heart rate monitor and things like that), the anesthesiologist worked her magic.  Last words I remember were, "Sweet dreams," from Dr. Dekhordi and "Go to Hawaii," from the nurse.  I felt my mind go blank and my body slump into complete relaxation.

Next thing I knew, it was 2:15 and I was waking up in the anesthesia recovery room with two new nurses.  They asked how I was feeling and all that good stuff.  I laid in there for probably 10 minutes while they monitored me and made sure I was waking up okay.  Then, one of them wheeled me back to the surgical center and on the way we picked up my very anxious husband waiting in the hallway.

Aaron had received two pages while I was gone.  The first one was sent when the surgery was done, the second one was sent when I was leaving the recovery area, so he was expecting me.  It was so good to see him, but I was still so out of it.  I kept asking him the same questions, and he'd look at me and be like, "You know you just asked me that, right?"  And I honestly wouldn't remember.  It was trippy!

At the surgical center, they took my vitals a few times, gave me some juice and water, made sure I could walk and pee, and then discharged me.  I think I should've stayed longer, but I made myself get up and walk, even though I felt dizzy and light-headed.  I just wanted to get home.  Having been there for 6 hours already, I wanted to go home and lay on my comfortable couch and have Aaron take care of me, rather than all those strangers.

As for the results (drum roll please)...absolutely nothing wrong was found!!!  I haven't talked to my doctor yet, but she told Aaron everything while I was still under.  So, with no adhesions, endometriosis, cysts or anything else that could be causing problems, I'm absolutely dumbfounded!  Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy and grateful nothing wrong was found.  Thank you, God!  But with both of us being tested now, and both of us showing to be completely fine, and the two of us having proved that we are a fertile couple and able to conceive, what the heck is going on???

I can tell you what's going on...God is what's going on!  There are many causes of infertility, both male and female factors, but if everything is fine and we are still unable to conceive, I truly believe God is withholding us from a baby right now.  For what reason?  I don't know.  But God's absolutely perfect reason will show itself in due time.  Amazingly, 30% of couples having trouble conceiving fall under this "unexplained infertility" category, so Aaron and I are not alone in this.  I just wonder how common unexplained secondary infertility is, though.  Probably not too common.

But, instead of questioning why things are the way they are, Aaron and I have to face reality head on and fight through this, allowing God to show us His larger than life purpose for our lives as parents.

What is our next step?  Well, to tell you the truth, Aaron and I are still discussing it.  I have my post-op appointment with Dr. Dekhordi on Thursday.  She has already given me the contact information for the infertility clinic she refers patients to.  There is an office in Modesto, but the main offices are in the bay area.  Big gulp.  Aaron and I are going to have a big decision to make within the next month or so, but we are going into this next step prayerfully and hopefully.

Being Content No Matter the Situation

Church was amazing this morning!  We had a guest speaker, Dave Dravecky, who was once an all-star picture for the S.F. Giants, before being diagnosed with cancer, resulting in him losing his pitching arm, his career, his life as he knew it.  He spoke about his journey through finding the secret to being content no matter the circumstance.  The Bible verse we reflected on was:

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

He felt enlightened and strong in his faith soon after his arm being amputated and surviving cancer, realizing that perhaps God is going to use His story to touch others and excited about his new future.  But the excitement soon wore off and his trials and tough times grew, turning from days to week, weeks to months, and then months to years.  He found himself in a dark, angry place.  I can completely relate.  My days of trying to conceive have added up to 20 months, and with that comes so much anger.  Yes, I'm angry towards God.  Rather than standing on the mountaintop in complete clarity of my faith and my purpose, I'm stuck in the wilderness where I find myself feeling quite absent from God.  I believe in Him and I am dedicated to living a Christian life, but through this journey of infertility (my "wilderness"), I am having a hard time completely feeling His presence.

But, needless to say, I spend lots of time in devotion and prayer everyday, allotting some time each day to my relationship with God, not because it's the "right" thing to do, but because it really does help me.  Even though I don't always feel His presence, I'm determined to seek Him through all of this...seek His purpose and provision for my life.

Okay, enough of that!  This weekend...we got a pool!  A 10-foot in diameter blow-up pool, holding water up to Ella's chest. Ella was so excited once we set it up!  If this weekend is any leeway to what the summer holds, I think Aaron and Ella are going to grow some fins.  They are quite the fish!

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend, despite feeling down about my IUI failure.  I plan on calling my doctor first thing tomorrow morning to schedule my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy.  Hopefully I'll be able to have the procedures done this coming week, but scheduling a mutually convenient time for me, my doctor and the hospital may be a bit tricky.  I don't want to put it off any longer, though.  I'm pretty nervous/anxious, so the sooner I can get this all over, the better!  I will keep you all informed.  Thanks so much for your prayers and support.

It Is What It Is

The two weeks following ovulation are progressively getting longer and longer.  I dwell on the symptoms I feel...gaining all the hope in the world and then losing it all within seconds.  I interpret the things I feel, and my moods fluctuate like the ocean's tide.  Cramps, to me, always mean an impending period.  All cramps that I've felt during the two-week wait have inevitably led to my period, so why should I think otherwise?  I've done research upon research and have probably read every post on every fertility / trying to conceive / pregnancy related website known to woman-kind.  Goodness, there's a lot to read, and rather than preoccupying my time with something that can take my mind OFF of what I'm feeling, I preoccupy my mind with the mindless babble of women, like me, trying to make sense of every symptom their bodies are experiencing.  I read medical journals, as well, deliberating on the causes of secondary infertility, infertility treatment statistics, the list goes on and on.  What I read has not once left me fulfilled or happy, so why do I go back to it?  I guess I hope to come across one website, one post, one article that helps boost my confidence that this is my month.

Not even Aaron can relate to me.  He supports me, but when I'm emotional, borderline psychotic, he tells me, "I can't bring you up and I'm not going to let you bring me down."  Well, honey...reality check!  I know you can't stand being around me like this, but do you think I can stand being around me, too?  That's a big NO!  I can't stand being irrational, unapproachable, unpredictable and unacceptable...but I am.  I'm sorry.  I blame the drug, and I think a majority of it is Clomid, but I think a significant part of it is me losing hope.  I'm so done with feeling this way.  So done!

God, hear my prayers.

I came across this beautiful passage that lifted my spirits almost immediately.  It says,

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."

There is so much truth to those words.  Both the trials and tribulations in one's life are carefully planned by our Creator.  It's easy to question God when things aren't going so well, but maybe this trial is special.  Maybe he really has singled me out for special treatment.  And I know...I KNOW...that with my infertility has come an incredible excitement for having another child, an excitement that would've not grown to this level or intensity had I gotten pregnant right away.  The first glimpse of him or her will be so magical and so perfect that at that very moment, all of these difficult times will have washed away and be forgotten.  This trial placed before me is molding me, shaping me into the woman God has always intended me to be.  I feel in my heart of hearts that I AM becoming a better wife, a better mom and a better woman from my infertility.  The daily emotions I go through are but a grain of sand in the bigger picture of my life.

The Bible passage, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13), speaks to me.  It reminds me that not only are Ella and my future children carefully created in His image, but I am also.  What I am going through has been a part of God's plan for my life since I was first created in my mother's womb.  I have to remain faithful that in due time, God will be delicately putting together another miracle in my womb, a true celebration those 9 months will be!

I'm 5 days past my IUI and I have 9 more to go.  I am going to refrain from doing any more research, trying to decipher what my body is telling me because...it is what it is.  I'm either pregnant or I'm not, and me dwelling on it won't change that.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Occasionally I take a glimpse at my life and meditate on if I am where I'm supposed to be.  Have I become who I want to be? Everyone has to make sacrifices in order to maintain a livelihood (pay the bills, support the family, provide for oneself), but at what point do you say, "Enough is enough!"?  Life should not have to be sacrificial, meaning, decisions in life shouldn't only be based on if they can provide food on the table, but if they can provide HAPPINESS.  I never want to sacrifice happiness for anything, including financial stability, but it seems in order to be happy, I have to have a stable income.

Oh gosh, am I talking in circles here?  I'm sorry if I am.  I kinda feel like I'm going in circles everyday these days.  Up and down, left and right - pulled in every direction.  I'm constantly moving forward, but going nowhere at the same time.  Most of these feelings result from not being pregnant, but as of the past few months, I'm started to struggle with if I'm at the right job.  Not necessarily the right career, because I've always had a passion for law, but sometimes I find that I'm losing the zest at my current job.  When spending 30 hours of my life each week doing something, I want it to be something that isn't only so I can make our mortgage payment, I want it to be something that I look forward to each day, as funny as that may sound (since who, really, looks forward to working?).

I also sometimes wonder if we are living where we are supposed to be.  After we got married, we moved up to the Portland area (where Aaron is originally from), but 6 months after Ella was born, we moved down to Turlock where I grew up.  And even though Turlock isn't a bad place, Aaron and I can't help but feel a tug in our hearts leading us to a different location.  The Central Valley isn't a place where we want to raise our children - the crime rate, the unemployment rate, taxes, etc. are all higher here, so why would we want to stick around?  But, because we are indebted to our home until the housing market changes, we are to remain here.  We accept the way things are - it is out of our control, so why dwell on something that we cannot change (this can also apply towards our infertility).  But, after having our best friends visit from Oregon this past week, it just reaffirmed how much we want to be up there with our loved ones, both friends and family.  Our time will come, though.  God always provides!

A Bible verse that touches on all this is, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." (Romans 5:3, NLT).  There is no trial that God doesn't place in our lives without purpose or necessity.  Maybe I needed to move down here because otherwise I would've always questioned if Portland is where I wanted to be?  Maybe my job is an interim to my dream job, and in the meantime, it is used to teach me, guide me and use me so that I become a smarter, stronger candidate for something in the future?  Maybe me not getting pregnant is something God is using to bring me closer to Him, to lean on Him, listen to Him and live faithfully despite my pain?  God's provision is not something to doubt.

So, with all that said and after listening to the song by Swtichfoot, "This is Your Life" (the inspiration for this blog), I am left feeling an urge to become better.  To be a better mom to Ella, to be a better wife to Aaron, to be a better paralegal, to be a better homeowner.  I need to take pride in the roles I am entrusted, instead of questioning why I'm not a mom to more than one child or why I'm not working at a different office or living in a different state.  I need to loosen my controlling grip and allow God to demonstrate his calm, serene control on every aspect of my life.  My infertility is no less something I can control than the housing market, so why do I feel like I can control it?  I shall rest assured that everything I have and don't have is not of my choosing, but God's, and that concept alone can bring peace to anybody, right?  It's just so funny how people (including myself) want to change things for the "better," but who is to say that what is currently happening in one's life isn't exactly what needs to happen?  Each day serves it's purpose, regardless of if that day brings tears, defeat, joy or anger.  The "If I had _______ [fill in the blank], I'd be much happier" mentality is hard to conquer, but it is something I'm trying to free myself of.  If only it was that easy.  Needless to say, I'm working on it!

Riding A Rollercoaster

Clomid is awful!  Lucky are the women who get pregnant without having to resort to this fertility drug.  My moods are up and down, left and right, backwards and forwards.  And who gets the brunt of my craziness?  Yes, you guessed it...Aaron and Ella.  Aaron understands what I'm going through so I don't have to explain my "behavior" to him.  In fact, he read the side effects of this drug, and naming a few are anxiety, depression and psychosis (yes, it does in fact say "psychosis").  When Aaron read that, he jokingly reassured me that he is forgiving me in advance for my psychotic episodes.  Haha!

But Ella...poor little Ella.  She understands simplicities, like, "Mommy is happy" or "Mommy is sad" without much consideration as to why I am feeling those emotions.  I cannot talk to her and help her understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  Imagine how that would go!  "Mommy is taking a drug that makes her crazy, but Mommy loves you very much."  Haha!  So, without the ability to verbally convey to her what I'm going through, I simply have to try my hardest to not let my emotions get the best of me and inadvertently affect Ella.  So, I provide her with my unending and unconditional love, compassion, attention and pride.  Even if the world was ending (and sometimes, this drug makes me feel that way), my role as her Mommy will never be forgotten or forsaken.  But being the empathetic, sympathetic little girl that she is, she is so in tune with my behavior.  Even with a smile on my face and enthusiasm in my voice, she reads my emotions, and more often than I ever wanted to ever hear, she asks, "Mommy, are you okay?"

For awhile now I have felt a loss of control.  Becoming pregnant is not something that can be controlled.  Even when a couple decides they are ready, the timing of when they actually conceive could be months or years past that point.  Aaron has always told me this is something I cannot control, but I just laughed at him, thinking he just didn't know how determined and focused I was to make sure this did happen.  But, as I've learned, the only constant in all of this is God.  He is weighing quite heavily on my heart to let go of my hold on my life and let Him do for me as He already has planned.  After all, why should I fret when God is leading my life?  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11).

While on this fertility drug, though, I'm struggling with a loss of control of my emotions.  I cry easily, anger easily and my anxiety level is through the roof.  It's ridiculous how hormone treatment can really mess with not only a woman's body but her mental and emotional state as well.  I feel like a walking bomb, ready to release my held back tears, ready to explode into a rampant rage.  Praying helps me a lot.  Taking deep breaths and hearing my mom's voice saying, "This too shall pass," brings peace back to my heart and mind, blocking out my "psychotic episodes."  (Thank you, Honey!).

My dad gave me a card!  It reads:

"I want to let you know you're in my prayers...I imagine you may be overwhelmed because you've been dealing with so much lately, and maybe you're wondering (as I've wondered at times in my life) how things are ever going to work out.  And I just wanted to remind you that although life brings many changes, God's love for us remains constant.  He's always there, guiding us through decisions and helping us do the hard things...always restoring in us a sense of hope and peace, no matter what we're facing.  And the most beautiful thing about God is that the more we need Him the closer He is...that's how I know He is especially close to you now." (Tarye Morrow).

Those were the exact words I needed to hear.  Thank you, Dad.  Thank you, God!

Update:

I did not go in for a sonogram on Friday.  I've been using the at-home ovulation predictor kits and it doesn't show that I'm ovulating yet.  I called my doctor and she told me not to schedule the sonogram until I get a positive ovulation test.  This is concerning for me.  Either I'm ovulating late, which may very well be the case, or the doctor is right and I'm not ovulating at all.  Clomid is supposed to help induce ovulation, so I'm hoping I'm just late.  I guess time will tell...

Healthy Lifestyle

Eating healthy has never really been my "thing."  I go through spurts where I'm really good, but my usual eating habits always return.  I find that I'm an emotional eater and with this lack of pregnancy happening, I'm relying on food as a coping mechanism.  I know...not good!  And, I guess, a part of me always thinks that I'll get pregnant "next month," and when pregnant, it's okay to gain weight, so no big deal to gain a little bit now, right?  WRONG!!!

Sister is very admirable.  She has acquired a love for fruits, vegetables and all things natural/organic.  She's a true health nut and she wears that label proudly.  I wish I was like her.  BUT, I'm changing my ways and lifestyle.  It'll be a gradual process and I don't ever see myself being as restrictive, for lack of better words, as Sister, but I'm eager and determined to find a healthy lifestyle that suits me.

Sister has given me pointers on how to change my eating habits.  I'm learning that eating healthy isn't about counting calories or following a specific dieting plan.  It's about LIVING healthily.  By that, I mean that my thoughts and actions should not revolve around food.  Happiness should not revolve around food.  If I win this battle over food being this "buddy" of mine that helps me cope with problems, consequentially a healthier, happier life will fall into place.

Even though Fat Bastard from Austin Powers is a ridiculous character, there was so much truth when he said, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat." Having been trying to conceive for so long, I've become relatively unhappy.  Not to the point of depression or breakdown, but just an overall shift in my mood.

So, with all that said, this post starts the beginning of an avid attempt to change my ways.  My hope is not to lose a lot of weight (although that would be an incredible consequence), but to create this desire or passion inside of me to treat my body as God would want me to.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

Just as I see Ella as a glimpse of perfection, God looks at me with the same admiration.

I also hope that through this new journey, I will shift my thoughts.  I find myself thinking so much about getting pregnant, wondering what is wrong with me, why I'm battling infertility that I need something to convert my thought process and concentrate on a new idea.  And what better thing to concentrate on than maintaining a healthy lifestyle???

Why Blog?

For some people, writing a blog is an avenue to let family and friends know their latest updates, for some it's a way to talk about serious issues...for me, it serves the purpose of helping ME. I loved writing in high school and college and since graduating I haven't recreationally written anything, other than e-mails or random things on Facebook. I know some of you may not understand my blog or care to read it, but this blog isn't about you...it's about me. There are few women in the world that are experiencing what I'm going through and this blog is meant to be my way of reaching out to them with the hope that we can both help each other. Infertility isn't the only topic of my blog, though. Of course not! By doing so, it would prove that my only passion in life is to conceive. I have tons of passions, most of which revolve around my two loves...Aaron and Ella. Plus, once I'm pregnant (not if, but when!), my blog's major subject content will shift, but right now, I'm going to write about what's true to me...which is Ella, Aaron, my faith, my hope and the scary battle of infertility.

"For you know when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." - James 1:3.

My faith is being tested through all of this. With each month that passes by, I tell myself to just give up, that its not in my cards. But, I remain strong and hopeful while my endurance grows, and I hope that you will be able to go through this journey with me. I've kept so much to myself for so long and it feels good to be able to "talk" about, regardless of how it is received.

First Post

A Bible verse to live by:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)