Riding A Rollercoaster

Clomid is awful!  Lucky are the women who get pregnant without having to resort to this fertility drug.  My moods are up and down, left and right, backwards and forwards.  And who gets the brunt of my craziness?  Yes, you guessed it...Aaron and Ella.  Aaron understands what I'm going through so I don't have to explain my "behavior" to him.  In fact, he read the side effects of this drug, and naming a few are anxiety, depression and psychosis (yes, it does in fact say "psychosis").  When Aaron read that, he jokingly reassured me that he is forgiving me in advance for my psychotic episodes.  Haha!

But Ella...poor little Ella.  She understands simplicities, like, "Mommy is happy" or "Mommy is sad" without much consideration as to why I am feeling those emotions.  I cannot talk to her and help her understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  Imagine how that would go!  "Mommy is taking a drug that makes her crazy, but Mommy loves you very much."  Haha!  So, without the ability to verbally convey to her what I'm going through, I simply have to try my hardest to not let my emotions get the best of me and inadvertently affect Ella.  So, I provide her with my unending and unconditional love, compassion, attention and pride.  Even if the world was ending (and sometimes, this drug makes me feel that way), my role as her Mommy will never be forgotten or forsaken.  But being the empathetic, sympathetic little girl that she is, she is so in tune with my behavior.  Even with a smile on my face and enthusiasm in my voice, she reads my emotions, and more often than I ever wanted to ever hear, she asks, "Mommy, are you okay?"

For awhile now I have felt a loss of control.  Becoming pregnant is not something that can be controlled.  Even when a couple decides they are ready, the timing of when they actually conceive could be months or years past that point.  Aaron has always told me this is something I cannot control, but I just laughed at him, thinking he just didn't know how determined and focused I was to make sure this did happen.  But, as I've learned, the only constant in all of this is God.  He is weighing quite heavily on my heart to let go of my hold on my life and let Him do for me as He already has planned.  After all, why should I fret when God is leading my life?  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11).

While on this fertility drug, though, I'm struggling with a loss of control of my emotions.  I cry easily, anger easily and my anxiety level is through the roof.  It's ridiculous how hormone treatment can really mess with not only a woman's body but her mental and emotional state as well.  I feel like a walking bomb, ready to release my held back tears, ready to explode into a rampant rage.  Praying helps me a lot.  Taking deep breaths and hearing my mom's voice saying, "This too shall pass," brings peace back to my heart and mind, blocking out my "psychotic episodes."  (Thank you, Honey!).

My dad gave me a card!  It reads:

"I want to let you know you're in my prayers...I imagine you may be overwhelmed because you've been dealing with so much lately, and maybe you're wondering (as I've wondered at times in my life) how things are ever going to work out.  And I just wanted to remind you that although life brings many changes, God's love for us remains constant.  He's always there, guiding us through decisions and helping us do the hard things...always restoring in us a sense of hope and peace, no matter what we're facing.  And the most beautiful thing about God is that the more we need Him the closer He is...that's how I know He is especially close to you now." (Tarye Morrow).

Those were the exact words I needed to hear.  Thank you, Dad.  Thank you, God!

Update:

I did not go in for a sonogram on Friday.  I've been using the at-home ovulation predictor kits and it doesn't show that I'm ovulating yet.  I called my doctor and she told me not to schedule the sonogram until I get a positive ovulation test.  This is concerning for me.  Either I'm ovulating late, which may very well be the case, or the doctor is right and I'm not ovulating at all.  Clomid is supposed to help induce ovulation, so I'm hoping I'm just late.  I guess time will tell...