Called To Be…

God created within me a deep desire to be a wife and mom.  When I was young, I never had any doubts that when I was older, that is where I wanted my life to take me.  I didn't really dream of being a teacher or a nurse.  I just remember my dreams mainly focusing on having a family and being happy.

And I truly feel that I am called to be those specific roles.  I wholeheartedly enjoy sharing my life with one man and being a mom, gosh, it's the most rewarding title and lifestyle imaginable.  But, does having only one child make me any less of a mom than a mom with, say, three or four kids?  Is the love of more kids more validating than the love of one?  I feel like my heart has an infinite amount of love to give, with only one child to receive it.  God created such a deep desire within me to submit myself to being a mom, but yet, He is putting a halt on what I feel He has called me to be.

Called to be? What are you called to be?  I wasn't one of the lucky ones who knew with absolution the career they wanted to go into.  My sister knew from a very young age she wanted to be a teacher.  It's in her blood.  It's her passion.  And here I am, 26 years old, without a true understanding of my chosen career.

I went to U.C.S.D. because that was the best school I got into.  I began my undergraduate degree as an undeclared major because I had no idea what I was passionate about?  I decided halfway through my 4 years to major in political science, mainly because nothing else "fit."  Biology?  NO WAY!  Engineering?  SAY WHAT???  So, having worked in a law office in high school and knowing that I do, in fact, enjoy studying law, I figured that is the road to lead me to the career I'm called to be in.

I always wonder, "What if?" What if I had accepted the offer into the architectural program at Cal Poly, would I have found my calling as an architect of some sort?  What if I didn't move back to Turlock, would I be working at a different law office in Portland that suits me better, that wouldn't make me have these doubts?  What if the scar tissue from my c-section with Ella is causing this infertility?  What if I hadn't chosen to have the Mirena IUD, would I be pregnant by now?

But, I can't live in the past, assuming that if I had made decisions differently I'd be in a better spot.  Because, reality is, this is where I am supposed to be and all of my decisions, whether I see them as good or bad, have contributed to the life I have.  So, what am I called to be?  Well, God knows, and I'm just living each day surrendering myself to what He has called me to be.