Ella's Newly Formed Fearfulness

I think Ella is a late blossomer in this new phase of her personality. Shyness. And, it's not really just shyness, it's extreme attachment. And, it's mainly to me.

She was amazingly brave the first day of kindergarten. Not a tear was shed (from her eyes, at least). No looking back to see where we went. No hesitation in jumping into whatever was asked of her. A completely happy-go-lucky, fearless attitude was displayed.

But this fearlessness has subsided, and in its place has come this new side of Ella.

Attachment.

Fear.

Shyness.

A couple weeks after starting kindergarten, we introduced Ella to Sparkies. If you remember, Ella joined AWANA last year and absolutely LOVED Cubbies (the 3 to 4 year old AWANA club). Well, as a kindergartner this year, she got bumped up to join Sparkies (the club for K through 2nd graders). We dropped her off the first night thinking she'd be just fine. She sat down in this huge room of her rowdy peers, looked back to blow us a kiss and do her goofy little wave, and showed the brave, independent personality we had grown to accept from her.

We left with her smiling.

But, when it came time to go to Sparkies the following week, we saw a complete 180 in Ella.

She said she was scared and that she didn't want to go. She said she was shy in meeting new friends and that she didn't know anybody. She was counting down the days 'til she had to go again, not because she was excited, but because she was scared.

We didn't know quite how to react to this because we had never seen this side of her before.

And then, she started disliking kindergarten. The past two weeks, every time I've had to leave her crying (and do you know how hard that is???). She would cling. She would not want to leave me. She would cause a scene and then become embarrassed with the attention she was bringing herself, and bury her head even further into me.

I would ask her why she doesn't like kindergarten, and her only explanation was that she missed me. She complained of the seats being cold and not knowing what to do all the time, but it always circled back to her saying she missed me.

The tears both she and I have shed the past couple weeks are countless. I threw up in the car from crying so hard after dropping her off at Sparkies (thank you, pregnancy!). Just witnessing her sitting with her head in her hands, bright red, trying to hold back tears, but not being able to. The desperate look of asking me to make her feel better, to help her feel comfortable, to hug and hold her, but simply walking away. Leaving her to find comfort herself.

She and I prayed many times these past couple weeks. And, goodness, her prayers bring on a whole new level to my already breaking heart. Maturely and quietly she would pray, "Dear God, please help me be strong and brave. I know I'm shy, but please help me try my hardest. Amen."

And despite her cold, clammy hands and heldback tears, she's pulling through. She's slowly becoming the outgoing, fearless girl we once knew. This setback was quite unexpected, and as parents, it made us question ourselves. Are we pushing her too hard? Should we not make her go to Sparkies? Did we put her in kindergarten too soon? Should we have waited a year? After all, she is still only 4 years old.

But, deep down, we both know Ella is fine. Every time we pick her up from kindergarten or Sparkies, she would say she had fun (but then when it came time to go again, she'd have reservations, cling and cry). I talked with the Sparkies leader and her kindergarten teacher, and both say she eventually calms down ("she'll feel better when she feels better") and moves onto being her happy, bubbly, charismatic self. It's just too bad we don't get to see it. We just see the tears.

It'll be nice when taking her to sunday school on Sunday mornings isn't an emotional ordeal, and this is the last face we see.

It'll be amazing when I can drop her off at kindergarten with a huge hug, kiss and smile, and Puppy can stay home instead of be stuffed in her backpack to help comfort her.

It'll be a breath of fresh air when Wednesday nights are not dreaded, but instead a happy time, as we take Ella to Sparkies.

Until then, all we can do is reinforce how much we love her, how proud we are of her and continue to push her, giving her the confidence she needs to get through this rough patch.

And work through the tears (and tear-induced nausea!).

I Got Through It

Well, the first day of kindergarten came and went. Not without tears, mind you, but the day is now in the past, and thank goodness! I was doing fine until Ella was all dressed up in her first day of school outfit with her backpack on. Then it hit me! How grown up she is! How my baby girl is actually a kindergartener! When did that happen? Seriously, when???

There were many episodes of near tears while dropping her off. I almost lost it when she first got out of the car and put her backpack on and I took this picture.

I almost lost it when we sat her down at her table in the cafeteria and she started digging through her lunch.

She quietly sat there, observing everyone and everything. Not shy, but confident. Not scared, but brave. She was amazingly strong! We sat across from her and watched our little girl nibble her peanut butter and honey sandwich amidst all these big kids, forcing us to see that she really is ready. Even though this mom isn't ready, she is!

Saying goodbye to her was so hard. It took every once of strength (which wasn't a lot) to not cry in front of her. My eyes got glazed, but I was wearing my glasses, so I think that helped hide them. We hugged her so tight, telling her how proud we were of her and for her to have fun. She's just like, "I love you! See you later!" Totally fine. Totally okay with us leaving her in this unfamiliar environment. Her strength surely made it easier for me to let her go.

As we walked away, I just grabbed Aaron's hand. Tight. With tears flowing down. Aaron then started crying. So, I'm sure we made quite the scene walking back to our car, hand in hand, sobbing like babies (well, I was - Aaron just had "man tears"). We turned around as we walked through the cafeteria doors. I couldn't see her, which was for the best, but Aaron said she was just sitting there, eating. Not looking back to see where we went. Oh, Ella. You're so great. You're so strong.

I was so excited to pick her up! Like, Christmas morning excited, and she was my gift that I was waiting to walk through her classroom door. She spotted Aaron first, and walked right over to him and said, "I had a really great day!" She was all smiles and very excited to let us know about some fun details of her first day.

I chose not to "embarrass" her by loving all over her, but I just wanted to pick her up and smother her with kisses and hugs. Instead, I just knelt down, gave her a tight squeeze, and just smiled as she talked about her day. When we got home, though, and I helped her out of the car, she gave me the longest hug. Telling me that she loved me. So, even though she's unbelievably strong, with that hug, I realized that she did miss me and needs me, just like I missed her and need her, too.

To think, I'll go through this all over again in 5 years with Tristan. I'm already praying for strength! :)

Flood of God-Given Comfort

Ella starts kindergarten on Monday.

*Gulp*

Once you give birth to a child, there are certain days you dread. You make a mental note on how hard those days will be, but undeniably tell yourself that it won't happen to you. And, I cannot believe how quickly the first day of kindergarten as crept up on me.

Over the past couple years, as Ella was going to pre-school, I kept reminding myself about how the first day of kindergarten will go down in the books as one of the hardest days of my near 5-year mommyhood. I was dreading this day with all my heart. And now, I must face this day on Monday!

But, somehow, this past week, God has been comforting me. Reminding me that I'll be okay.

Even when my over-the-top, hyper-sensitive pregnancy hormones cause this already emotional woman to be even more emotional about this day, God has been comforting me.

Comfort #1:


I find out that Ella's teacher was my sister's kindergarten teacher 20 years ago! Knowing how much Sister loved Mrs. Sutterly completely comforts me. It's hard to just leave your child in a classroom, not knowing anybody, but yet trusting everybody...including the teacher. And, although questioning the integrity and "awesomeness" of a teacher isn't something we should do, a protective parent can't help but think, "Do you really have my child's best interest at heart? Will you love on her, even if she's having an off day? Will you treat her with respect, even though she's so little?"

Comfort #2:


Aaron is a special ed. teacher. His first day of teaching isn't until Thursday, August 18th, but we were both under the impression that he was contracted to go to his classroom Monday through Wednesday anyway. Well, it turns out Monday and Tuesday are non-contracted days. He's not required to go to his classroom.

You know what that means?

He will be able to come with me to drop Ella off on her first day of school! God knows how much I need that support. My mom had offered to come with me, but there's nothing like the strong arms of my husband to cling onto as I hold back tears.

Comfort #3:


During Ella's meet-and-greet at school today, where the parents, kids and teachers hang out in the classroom and meet one another, I recognized one of the moms just as she recognized me, and we immediately drifted to each other. It was little Brooklin's mom! Brooklin was in Ella's old dance class, AWANA, VBS and they go to church together. She is the sweetest little girl. And, how refreshing and absolutely comforting to know she's in Ella's class. Ella kept commenting that she won't know anybody in kindergarten and that she's "very nervous, but I'll be brave and strong." And, the second she saw Brooklin, her tightly-gripped, clammy hand didn't grip my finger as tightly.

"Brooklin! Hi Brooklin! I'm so happy to see you!"

Brookin's mom said that her daughter was also very nervous about kindergarten, but that she's so relieved that she'll know somebody. :)

So, as you can see, God has been cleverly wrapping his comforting arms around me, just as I will be doing to Ella on Monday. I have to be strong for Ella. She is a mini-me in all areas, and if I'm upset, she will reflect such. I want her to begin her kindergarten year happy and excited, and I'm prayerfully getting to the point that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to drop her off with a huge smile.

And only cry in the car.

A Day of Lasts

Today was Ella's last day of preschool. :(

She went to this preschool for the past two years. First, in a 3-year old class and then in an actual preschool class. I grew to love the staff, the teachers...everybody! It was a safe haven for Ella where I trusted she would be loved, respected, and taught not only her ABCs, 123s and Bible stories (it was a Christian-based school), but invaluable life lessons she could learn nowhere else. A comfortable, familiar environment filled with love - a love for God and His special children.

And, now this place is gone. It is no longer a part of our lives.

I know that sounds ultra dramatic, but that is how I feel! I feel like I've lost something very near and dear to me.

I'm taking this a lot harder than I thought I would.

I'd like to blame my pregnancy hormones for the uncontrollable babbling and sobbing, but I know I'd be just as bad without those to blame.

Today marked the last day I got to drive Ella down the street to her preschool - a route we drove together every weekday for the past two years. How am I going to train myself to turn right instead of left off my street? How am I not going to think about all of our little talks on our way to her preschool, discussing anything from the weather to her friends, from her being brave to her being shy, from what day of the week it was to how many more days to "happy weekend" (as she likes to call it).

I'm going to miss our morning routine.

I'm going to miss her teacher's warm, dimpled smile when we'd walk in the classroom every morning.

I'm going to miss Ella's stories from the day as I picked her up.

I'm going to miss having arts and crafts on my kitchen table everyday, where Ella proudly laid everything out on display.

I'm going to miss being the mom of a preschooler.

Now, I'm technically the mom of a kindergartener and I really don't know how I feel about that. I refuse to accept she's old enough to be in kindergarten. I'm in denial. At least I have all summer to wrap my mind around this.

To end this very sad post on a happy note, check out this fun art Ella did at school!

Ella said she sees a strong daddy. I see a Transformer. :)

Gotta Keep the Faith

There is a very popular K-6 school here in town called Walnut Elementary Education Center, excelling beyond all other elementary schools in Turlock. It offers two magnet programs - math/science and visual/performing arts.

Photo courtesy of Walnut Elementary's website.

This school is so popular that enrollment is based on a lottery system. 162 applications were submitted for kindergarten alone.

Ella's dance class is on Tuesday nights, so Aaron had to go to the lottery himself tonight.

He texted me in the middle of Ella's class saying she was sixty-something on the wait list for the math/science program with a sad face at the end. I couldn't believe the wait list would even be that long! Goodness!

After Ella and I got home from dance, Aaron called and, with a bummed tone, said he was on his way home and that she didn't get into the visual/performing arts program either. My heart sank. I was really holding out hope for that program (it was the one I really hoped she'd get into). But, in the middle of me asking where she was placed on the waiting list, he said, "JUST KIDDING! SHE GOT IN!!!"

I screamed with such happiness!

Aaron then went on to say that Ella was the last name called.

That made me smile even bigger! :)

It immediately made me start to think about what God may be telling me through this.

I know, I know...a lottery is just that. Chance! A luck of the draw! How does God have His hand in  that?

But, I think through Ella's name being called last, out of the 162 applicants, God is speaking to me. I feel God whispering to me to keep the faith. Even when there is only one more shot, He doesn't want me to lose hope. There is always hope. Always.

So, even though it seems silly to think God has His hand into Ella's enrollment in a school, He is in the business of purposely giving, not of meaningless chance, right?

Getting pregnant can be considered pure chance, but I believe with all my heart that God has control. He blessed us with our miracle baby, who is somehow now enrolled to begin kindergarten in just a few short months (I'm not going to cry!). Ella is in no way meaningless chance. She was purposely given to us by God.

So, with today's wonderful news of Ella getting into Walnut Elementary, I am reminded of God's goodness. I am reminded that, even when it may seem like all odds are against us, He still has our best interest at heart. Even though we are not able to conceive on our own and 30 months of secondary infertility are against us, He is encouraging us to not give up hope.

Just as Aaron continued to sit through the lottery with only one more name to call, God is encouraging us to faithfully continue through our battle with secondary infertility, even when this FET can very well be out last chance at another biological child, and keep the faith! :)

It's As If God Knew

What did I see in Ella's cubby at school today? Her progress report, of course! And not only her progress report, but also an outline determining what skills and knowledge a kid needs in order to begin kindergarten successfully.

God, you heard our prayers! It is exactly the kind of information we were looking for to ease our decision-making. It is exactly what we need to know in Ella's development. God, You were listening and You clearly demonstrated that to us today.

The timing is unbelievably God and I feel unbelievably comforted.

As for Ella's progress report...Ella is developing normally in most areas, but needs further development in a handful of areas.

Ella is developing normally in the following categories:

• Social development (except, she needs further development in repsecting the property of others and in displaying self-control);
• Work/play habits;
• Small muscle;
• Large muscle (favors left, though, being left-handed like Daddy);
• Development in art;
• Development in music;
• Number development; and
• Language development.

Ella needs further development in the following categories:

• Personal development (mainly her phone number and address, but she even sometimes needs guidance in remembering her birthday, believe it or not!);
• Cognitive development (mainly recognizing letters of the alphabet and numbers, although she can recognize her own name (and letters in her name, like when we go to Lowe's, she points out the "E" and "L" on the big sign));
• Written development (mainly forming letters correctly (the letters in her name turn out right, but her way of writing them is funky) and working from left to right (her name is 9 times out of 10 written backwards)).

Photo courtesy of Google Image.

Mrs. Kathleen's comment at the end of the progress report said the following:

"Ella is doing well in so many areas. There are also areas to work on and with age and maturity those areas will develop. In her excitement she will get very loud and we work on that in class, and she gets upset at others easily - but she's kind, fun and helpful and that certainly outweights the other. She is a joy!"

Yes, our Ella Bella shows how she feels. When she's excited, YOU KNOW IT. And when she's not very happy, YOU KNOW IT. She is also pretty sensitive and wears her heart on her sleeve, so I can completely understand the comment about her getting upset at others easily. But, on the upside, she also very easily calms down, forgives (if need be) and moves on.

As for getting loud when excited. Yes, that's also very true. There's nothing wrong with showing excitement, but, of course, in a classroom environment, it's good to be respectful of and courteous to the teacher and follow students.

After reading the paperwork listing skills and knowledge that is expected of kids before entering kindergarten, I see that Ella really is ready. Naturally, there's a good chunk of things she hasn't yet mastered, but like Mrs. Kathleen wrote, "With age and maturity those areas will develop."

A part of me is so proud! So proud of my little girl for doing so well. She's such a bright, observant, opinionated, expressive, loving, free-spirited, mindful, inquisitive, attentive, amusing, creative, stubborn, sensitive, sympathetic and simply amazing girl! :)

But, then there's the other part of me...the part of me that wishes she wasn't so clearly independent. That she still depended on me for things she once did. That she didn't have such a crystal clear progress report indicating she's ready for kindergarten. That she needed that extra year of development before my worst nightmare coming true...of my little girl growing up and going to kindergarten with still only a dream of a sibling.

But, despite my mothering neediness, Aaron and I have made our decision of enrolling Ella in kindergarten next year and are at complete peace with it (which I never really thought would be possible). I wish she didn't have to grow up so quickly. I wish I could rewind time. But, growing up is what she is doing. And, unfortunately for me (sigh), she's very good at it.

Kindergarten Registration...WHAT???

With Ella's tuition statement this month was a little flyer regarding kindergarten registration. I was not expecting that. If we choose to continue forking out the hundreds of dollars each month for Ella's privae education, we need to register her before March 31st.

If we choose to go the public school route, I have no idea when to register, but I'm sure it's pretty soon!

But, that is not what I'm wanting to write about.

If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ella going to kindergarten next year was the right move, I think I'd be more willing to accept this giant step.

But, really, I have doubt. And a lot of it.

Ella's birthday is in late September, and in most states, she would not make the cut-off to begin kindergarten for the 2011/2012 school year.

But good ol' California's cut off date is currently set for December 3rd! Yes, you heard right. Some kids could technically be 4 years old for the first three months of their kindergarten education. That is just too young!

And, it seems California lawmakers finally see that the cut-off date is too late because beginning the 2012/2013 (knock on wood), the cutoff date will move up one month each consecutive school year, until it reaches September 1st, where it will then sit with the majority of other state's cutoff dates. (Of course, all of this may not even happen because we all know how the government works sometimes. No offense.).

So, I'm stumped.

I've been asking myself questions, trying to figure out why I don't feel she's ready.

First, so much is asked of kindergarteners these days. And, there have been many articles and research suggesting that kids going into kindergarten at 4 years of age are substantially not as mature nor ready to undertake all the kindergarten milestones. Teachers notice the difference in the younger kids from the older kids.

Granted, Ella would only be 4 years old for a little over a month (school usually starts mid-August here). It still is something that concerns me.

But, I also have to consider that Ella went to a 3-year old "preschool" last year and is in a regular preschool setting this year, so she's had the exposure to tons more than kids that stay at home until they go to preschool or kindergarten.

Second, I don't want money to be the underlying decision maker. Preschool is expensive. Very expensive. Right now, we are paying $434/month for Ella to be in school from 8:00 to 1:00 every weekday. Yikes, right?

If we enroll her in, what is called, the K-4 program through Turlock Christian next year, her tuition will run the same amount. The K-4 program is for older 4-year old kids (like what Ella will be) that are not quite ready to go into kindergarten.

If we go that route, we will continue to fork out $434/month that could potentially go towards infertility treatment.

However, I can't and I won't put what is best for Ella second to infertility treatment. Ella deserves the absolute best, and even though I'm her mom and, as such, should be able to know what's best for Ella, I still don't know what to do!

I don't want my decision to come from the place of denying that my little girl is growing up. Especially with the inability to conceive a second child weighing heavily on my heart, I know that I'm holding onto whatever "baby" I can get from Ella. I don't want her to grow up. I want her to be my little girl forever.

Is that the underlying reason I'm so uncertain about enrolling her in kindergarten? I don't know. Am I being selfish to prolong Ella's education because I'm so unwilling to accept that she is, in fact, ready, but that I just am choosing not to see it?

I'm sure most parents can admittedly say they weren't ready for their kids to go to kindergarten, but it has to be done. And, if Ella was a little bit older, this debate would be mute - she'd be going to kindergarten without question. But she's just young enough to wonder what is best.

I keep praying to God to give me knowledge and peace as Aaron and I make this decision. We plan on speaking with Ella's teacher to get the opinion of someone with 20+ years experience. Hopefully that'll provide us some insight that we need to make the best decision.

I don't know what I'm hoping to come from writing this post, but I would LOVE any and all feedback from anybody who is willing to share. :)

Thanks for listening to me lay out my thoughts!