Remembering Christmas Eve 2010

December 24, 2010 left me with a broken heart. The tears that came after I received the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful were the most painful I cried. Ever.

I had never felt so much darkness.

A part of me crumbled that day, and admittedly, I don't think I will ever fully heal.

Words will never be able to fully describe the fall I experienced that day. I try to put words to the emotions I felt, and still feel, but nothing seems to give enough justice.

And, even though so much happiness was brought into my life when I became pregnant with Tristan, our failed IVF still haunts me, and I didn't realize exactly how much until this morning.

I cried this morning. A lot.

The tears started out as sad tears as I remembered the whirlwind of emotions we went through on this very day last year. The complete devastation leaving us collapsed in defeat.

But, then I looked down at my sleeping baby boy in my arms, and my tears shifted to happy tears of thankfulness. My gosh, I am so thankful that the second go-around with our FET brought us Tristan, who is proving to be the perfect little man for our family. He is exactly what all three of us have prayed so long for.

My observant and empathetic daughter quickly noticed the tears streaming down my cheeks this morning.

"Mommy, why are you crying?"

I explained to her why. (We have been very honest with her about our journey to having a baby).

And, her response was one beyond her short five years of life. She said, verbatim (I quickly wrote it down so I wouldn't forget), "We choose to have a baby, but God decides when. We choose the name, but God says when it's okay to have the baby."

Wow.

I have the smartest, sweetest, most caring little girl, who is going to be the most amazing role model for her baby brother.

Christmas Eve 2010 will always be a day I look back on with sadness. That day will forever carry unimaginable grief, irreparable darkness and crushed defeat, culminating all the time and tears invested in conceiving a second child.

But!

Christmas Day 2011 is going to be a day I will look back on with so much clarity and happiness. I have longed for the Christmas morning I can wake up to with another member of this family, and I simply cannot wait to celebrate our first Christmas as a family of four. It's going to be such a joyful day!

God has brought light into my life where there was once darkness. Tristan is that light. He is my little beacon of hope.

Just as 2011 years ago, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, brought so much joy, peace and hope to this world, this year I get to not only celebrate Jesus' birthday, but that of my own son, who has brought so much joy, peace and hope into my world.

Hump of Nerves

I'm 7 days into this cycle and becoming increasingly nervous with each passing day, knowing it's one day closer to next cycle. My FET cycle!

Other than the obvious reasons, why am I so flippin' nervous? Why can I not get over this hump of nerves to a place where I am genuinely excited? I want to be excited! I want to believe that this FET will bring Ella her sibling(s). But, I can't get over this hump. :(

I can honestly say I was not this nervous going into my fresh IVF cycle. I was so confident. I think much of that confidence stemmed from how well my body responded to the stimulation drugs. I had a ton of follicles growing at a good pace. On the day of my egg retrieval, I had 19 eggs retrieved (16 of which fertilized). All of this made me mistakingly over-confident going into my egg transfer.

I thought I had it in the bag.

I thought my body was going to follow along the same lines and respond well to the two transferred embryos. I thought my body would accept those babies and they'd snuggle into a welcoming environment for 9 months.

But, I couldn't have been more wrong.

And because of this huge blow to my self-confidence, I feel wary going into my FET.

I'm so nervous my body will reject the babies again and that I'll have to heal from another letdown. No, not letdown. That is too soft of a word. It's more like a heartbreak. Like, I literally lost two of my babies. A part of my family. A part of my life.

Lately, I've been really trying to remain optimistic. The mind is a powerful tool and I'm trying to use it to my benefit. I'm really focusing on being mentally healthy, as well as physically and emotionally.

As an attempt to get more physically fit before the transfer, I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. And, believe it or not, Ella does it with me every time. I just have to ignore her because if I look at her, I start laughing and lose focus. She's a riot! It's a lot of fun. :)

Emotionally, I feel more like myself! The countless drugs I was on during my IVF cycle really messed me up. And waiting for those drugs to leave my system, while coping with a failed IVF cycle, really took its toll on me. But, today, I can honestly say I feel like myself again, regardless of my nerves.

So, really...I'm feeling so much better than I was this time last month, so my only hope is that this time next month, during the early part of our FET cycle, I feel even more better. :)

Still No Period

After doing a bit of research on-line, it does look like an irregular cycle following an unsuccessful IVF cycle is to be expected. So, I'm really not holding onto too much hope. I guess it's just a waiting game now.

To answer most of your guys' question of if I'm going to test. My plan was to wait until Friday. But, now knowing what I know about wacky late cycles following IVF, I might not test at all. Why waste the $15, ya know?

I know what you are all thinking...why put myself through that torture? LOL!!! I'm sure if I had a test lying around, I would've already peed on a stick already. So, I guess we'll see. :)

Just know I appreciate all your guys' support. And be it a late cycle or a pregnancy, I'm okay with either result. Of course, a little piece of my heart breaks with every BFN, but the fact that I have three frosties waiting for me will make this possible BFN easier to accept.

Now, onto other news...I got not one, but two fabulous blog awards today!!! I feel so special!

The first award is from Random Thoughts from Angie. Angie went through IVF late last year, which resulted in a pregnancy, but soon after her BFP, she miscarried. She's gearing up for a FET the earlier part of this year and I'm so excited for her! Yay! :)

The second award is from Crossing My Fingers, But Not My Legs (which is, by far, one of the best infertility blog titles I've come across!). She found out a couple days before I did that her IVF cycle failed.  In fact, I had just come across her blog shortly before she found out. It's always nice to have a companion walking the same path at the same time, who can truly relate to the raw emotions being felt after finding out there's no baby. She, also, will be going through FET sometime this year, but likely not as soon as me. Of course, I'm praying she's blessed with a pregnancy this year! :)

I think for each award I'm supposed to write seven random facts about myself and then forward the award onto other blogs, but I'm going to save that for another day. Right now, I'm going to cuddle on the couch and enjoy me some American Idol! :)

Anybody else an American Idol fan out there?

Could I be pregnant? Nah!!!

I'm on CD (cycle day) 32. That may not seem like a big deal, but my cycles are like clockwork, ranging from 28 to 29 days. No joke! I'm one of those very luck women with very predictable cycles. So, my tardiness leaves me a bit confused.

I noticed I ovulated on CD 12 this cycle, as opposed to the typical CD 14. So, technically, if I had ovulated "on time," I'd only be a couple days late right now, but I'm almost completely positive I ovulated two days early, and despite being told that we will likely never conceive on our own, Aaron and I can't help but try. When you want something so bad, you're willing to try the impossible.

So, we...you know...had timed intercourse.

Which then leads me to the question in my title. Could I possibly be pregnant???

All those drugs I had in my system the last two months could easily mess with my system. I know that. My doctor didn't warn me about having a wacky cycle following my unsuccessful IVF cycle, but I'm assuming that is what's going on here.

So, I'm hoping some women who have gone through a failed IVF cycle can relay their experience to me. Did you have an unpredictable cycle following IVF? Am I completely absurd to even consider the possibility (albeit, the size of a wart on a flea's face) that I'm pregnant? :)

I guess I always have hope. Even when I shouldn't.

When God Writes Your Mom Story

Have you heard of the book, When God Writes Your Love Story?

This book touches on the idea that a person's identity cannot be all wrapped up in a relationship, and that all too often too much energy is put into maintaining that relationship, even if it's unhealthy. (By the way, that statement pretty much sums of my college years, but lets save that topic for another day!). The book goes on to say that a person's identity must be in Jesus Christ and not in some relationship. The authors, after many dating and relationships disasters, learned to hand over the reins of their love lives to God and allow Him to write their love story.

And, even though I have my husband, and I believe God miraculously placed us in each other's paths (click HERE if you're interested in reading our love story), my life has now transitioned to a new story. My Mom Story. A story that began September 22, 2006 with the birth of our daughter and the story that is still being written by the Author of my life.

My Mom Story is still being written and, honestly, I have no idea what the ending will be. I don't know when I will be blessed with another child, or how! Will we have another miracle child? Will we conceive through our upcoming FET? Will we have to go through a whole other IVF cycle? Are we going to end up using a surrogate? Is God going to lay it in our hearts to consider adoption?

Those questions are constantly swirling and twirling inside my head, like an uncontrollable tornado, each go around bringing more velocity to the already consuming destruction.

Yes, I said destruction!

If I keep going at this pace, I'm seriously going to lose control of everything in my life!

My concerns and thoughts are not where they need to be. They need to be focused on God! My identity is not wrapped in Him. My identity is wrapped in Dr. Google and what "his" answers are to the above questions. I spend way too much time researching things that do not need to be researched. Things that I need to lift up to God in prayer. My identity is too invested in conceiving my second child that I'm losing myself.

I'm losing myself as Aaron's wife.

I'm losing myself as Ella's mommy.

But, most importantly, I'm losing my identity in Jesus Christ.

I can't have an open heart to what His calling is, when I'm more concerned about what Dr. Google (or even Dr. Weckstein or my family or my peers) has to say. Rather than quieting everything and everyone around me and being still with God, I sometimes choose to wallow in my self-pity with lots of "It's not fair!" and "Why me?" thoughts.

And, really, it's okay to grieve over what is going on. It's okay to have anger, sadness, confusion. Those are all natural emotions that a person would feel after trying to conceive for so long with no success. But, it is what I do with those emotions that really matters.

And, at the rate that I'm going (mainly since we found out our IVF cycle was unsuccessful last month), I'm going nowhere...and fast!

So, just as God faithfully brought Aaron into my life, and just as God faithfully brought us our miracle child, Ella, I am going to faithfully place my life and identity in His hands. Otherwise, not only will my life will spin out of control, but my identity will be placed on a role I am not yet playing (mom to a second child), rather than the identities I am currently blessed in undertaking.

I am Aaron's wife.

I am Ella's mom.

And, I am at God's disposal to unveil His personal best for my life.

What We'll Do Differently with our FET

If a couple's first IVF cycle doesn't work, it can be seen as trial by error opportunity. The RE is given the chance to analyze the failed cycle, solve any possible problems that might've risen and make any necessary changes that might result in a positive outcome the second time around.

And that is exactly how I am viewing things right now.

After meeting with Dr. Weckstein on Friday, and despite being told that we won't be able to conceive naturally on our own, I left the appointment feeling better than going in, simply for the fact that Dr. Weckstein reassured me on things that, quite frankly, I needed reassurance on.

The day of the transfer, my uterine lining was measured at 8.4. And even though any number above 8 is good, Dr. Weckstein would like to see a thicker uterine lining for our FET. 8.4 is considered a touch on the thin side. The thicker the uterine lining, the better it is for implantation. Makes sense.

So, instead of one Estrace (estrogen) tablet twice a day, as I did with our fresh IVF cycle, Dr. Weckstein is going to have me take two Estrace tablets twice a day, and then insert one vaginally. Sounds weird, I know, but somehow it absorbs right into my uterus that way.

Also, during my uterine sounding, Dr. Weckstein was able to go right through my cervix. No second tries, no complications...just a smooth entry. Nothing like when I had the actual transfer done. The reason being is because my bladder was not full!

During a transfer, the RE typically likes the bladder to be full because it's easier for them to see the uterus during the sonogram, but Dr. Weckstein thinks it'd be best for me to not have such a full bladder with our FET. And trust me, I'd prefer that! It's so uncomfortable holding in a full bladder while being "worked on" down there.

So, changes will be made for our upcoming FET, and hopefully these changes will make the difference needed to bring us our baby(ies).

But, before jumping into our FET, which Dr. Weckstein said we could do as soon as this next cycle (once I start my period), I am still working on making positive changes spiritually, physically and mentally. Because, right now, I'm not strong enough to fight through another negative result.

Acceptance

Acceptance.

That's all I have to say for right now.

Tomorrow is Supposed to be Different

Tomorrow is my consult with Dr. Weckstein to discuss our unsuccessful IVF cycle and our future FET cycle.

But, to me, tomorrow is still supposed to be the day we first get to see our babies.

Tomorrow is supposed to mark that I'm six weeks pregnant, halfway through my first trimester.

But, instead, tomorrow will bring yet another doctor's appointment without a peanut growing inside of me.

And, to top it off, Aaron has to work, so I'll be making the drive and meeting with Dr. Weckstein all alone. I really would like to have the emotional support of Aaron there, but he can't miss work.

Along with the consult, Dr. Weckstein will be performing a uterine sounding, which is generally performed prior to an embryo transfer to determine the uterine depth and how easily the catheter can pass through the cervix. Dr. Weckstein did just that before my transfer and supposedly "mapped out" how to get to my uterus, but then during the actual transfer, it took him a few tries to get to the uterus. Not so fun.

I guess to prevent that again, he's going in to do a practice round, but this time with an empty, embryo-free catheter. :(

I have a list of questions prepared for Dr. Weckstein to answer, varying from what potentially went wrong during the embryo transfer (see above!) and if that made a difference in our success to if we have any hope of conceiving naturally on our own.

From if there is anything Aaron can do to increase his sperm morphology to the standard protocol for a FET.

From the success rate for a FET to if we will be allowed to transfer all three of our frozen embryos.

From my estrogen and progesterone levels to Aaron possibly being referred to a reproductive urologist (yes, it'd be his turn to be poked and prodded by a doctor).

What is a reproductive urologist, you might ask? Well, a reproductive urologist helps a man find the cause of infertility, if any, with thorough testing, and assists to correct the infertility issue.

So, hopefully I come out of tomorrow's appointment feeling uplifted because, really, I could use a good pick me up.

I may not be there yet...

...but I'm closer than I was yesterday!

With the beginning of this New Year, I'm learning to live in the now, to take each day as it comes. Because, after all, each day does bring me closer to our baby.

Today was Ella's first day in her new ballet/tap class. She had a wonderful time and seeing her excitement brings so much happiness to our heavy hearts.

Our hearts are not only heavy from our unsuccessful IVF cycle, but also from the battle Aaron's dad is fighting against cancer. One day can be filled with hope and good news, but the next can be filled with worry and fear. It's a horrible roller coaster ride for all involved, but especially for my parents-in-law.

All we can do is pray and hope, and continue praising God in the storms of our lives.

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you" (Casting Crows - Praise You in this Storm).

At times, I feel like I'm constantly saying "Amen," constantly praying to God. I thought for sure by now that He would've wiped my tears away. That He would've brought us our baby. That He would've erased all cancer from my father-in-law's body.

And even though He hasn't answered my prayers, I will continue to praise Him in this storm, holding onto the faith that there will soon be a beautiful horizon.

And, until He does show me this beautiful horizon, I will take each day one day at a time, prayerfully and faithfully.

And, on that note, I will leave you with a couple pictures of our handsome pug, Bob. He's such a good boy!

I can't help but love that face. :)

Good Bye, 2010! Nice Knowing Ya!

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days now. I'm still learning to cope with life after a failed IVF cycle and have, in turn, been in a writing slump (well, really a life slump, which is then reflected in my lack of blog posts).

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments, but I'm entitled to those moments. I'm very glad for our unsuccessful IVF to come at the end of 2010. This year has been rough and the negative results coming last week reemphasizes how much disappointment this year has brought us, and puts a big fat period (literally!) at the end.

But, now that 2010 is officially done, Aaron and I are forced (in a good way) to look to the future, rather than dwell on the past. 2010 is over. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears are "so last year," and we are now living in the here and now. In 2011.

So, with the half glass full, I'm keeping my head high and my faith higher. 2011 is going to be the year. I can feel it!

If you are new to following our journey, feel free to click HERE for a timeline of what we did this past year in hopes of conceiving our second child. You'll be able to see it's been quite the year.

Ella: A True Christmas Angel

This post is all pictures, no words. I think the pictures speak for themselves and perfectly display why, despite the failed IVF cycle, I was able to find so much joy and happiness this Christmas.

Note of Appreciation

I just wanted to tell everyone a big thank you. You have all been following me on this long ride and I appreciate all of your support, words of encouragement, personal experiences, love and prayers.

The past couple days have been hard. Possibly the hardest, emotionally, I've ever had to endure.

And, a part of me was worried to have the "big day" land on Christmas Eve. But, now that it's passed, I think the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Christmas is a time of joy, and despite life circumstances or a failed IVF cycle, one can't help but feel that joy seep in. If the news of our failed IVF landed on an ordinary day, I don't think I would've as easily been able to bounce back from it. And I'm not saying I'm okay. I'm not. I'm still so sad and numb, but Christmas brought me happiness when I didn't think happiness was possible.

I can honestly even say that there were moments (long moments, in fact) where I forgot about how Champ and Embry didn't make it, and just focused on the now.

Focused on Ella's face as she opened each present and then patiently waited for her turn to open the next gift.

Focused on my dad's precise insanity in cleaning up the wrapping paper and bows, while sipping his sixth cup of coffee. :)

Focused on my Sister's glow of happiness and love, and how just having her around lifts my spirits.

Focused on Tim and his patient demeanor at its finest as he spent all afternoon putting together Ella's new dollhouse with Aaron.

Focused on Aaron who, when he didn't have the camera in his face, has the most handsome smile I've ever laid eyes on.

Focused on my mom, who focuses on me in return and reads me like a map. Despite not liking to talk about my "feelings," I like being understood without having to say much. Or anything at all, for that matter.

But, then, eventually, my thoughts would wander back to my empty womb. I think about those two beautiful embryos and how they will soon be out of my body. I will soon be starting the most unwanted period of my life.

Because, in my mind, I'm not supposed to have this period.

In my mind, IVF was going to work and I was going to be celebrating the beautiful gift of pregnancy this Christmas with the ones I love most.

Instead, at times, I felt like the damper in the room. Being the one that laughed the least. The one that sometimes dazed out with glazed eyes, deep in my own thoughts. The one that wanted to go home first. The one that cried.

I did the best I could. And, I'm very proud of the way I got through the past couple days. I thought I would collapse into bottomless depression.

But, you know what, I think I'll get through it.

With my family, with Aaron and Ella, and with my God...all things are possible.

So, thank you to all my blog readers and followers. You helped get me through the roughest couple days my infertility has brought me in the past 2-1/2 years or so. And I look forward in sharing my joys with you in 2011.

Bring it on, 2011! BRING IT ON!!!

We Beat the Odds

We had less of a chance of not getting pregnant, but we beat the odds. We're not pregnant.

I received the call from Dr. Weckstein about 12:30 this afternoon. "I'm so sorry, Bobbi, but I have bad news." The rest of the conversation was an emotional blur. I cried and listened. I got off the phone and just hugged Aaron, sobbing in each other's arms. I hadn't cried that hard since as long as I can remember. Hiccuping and hyperventilating almost to the point of throwing up.

Dr. Weckstein said he's positive 2011 will be our year. Little did he know that this will be the third year I've said that. My 2010 New Year's resolution was to get pregnant. I didn't come close. Not at all.

He went on to say that two of our three frozen embryos are better quality than the two we transferred this cycle. If you remember, this cycle we transferred 3AA and 5B-B- embryos. The ones we have frozen are graded 5AA (as good as it gets), 5BB- and 2AB.

I have an appointment on January 7th for what would've been our babies' first sonogram. We're keeping the appointment, but this time to discuss our failed IVF cycle and to talk about our game plan. He also wants to do a uterine sounding. Say what???

Well, what I failed to disclose about our transfer, is that Dr. Weckstein had a semi-difficult time getting to my uterus. One would think to just go straight up through the cervix and bada boom bada bing, there would be the uterus. With me, he had to go through many attempts. Over this. Under that. It was very strange. Who would've thought there'd be "obstructions."

Anyway, Dr. Weckstein wants to ensure a completely smooth transfer for our frozen embryo transfer (FET), so he's going to basically do a practice run with an empty catheter.

How am I feeling? Sooooooooo down, but Aaron's hand holding and constant glances of similar disappointment and pain, Sister's love pats, my brother-in-law Tim's reminder that they love us, Dad's tear-filled hug and Mom's optimistic hope for the future all helped me get through what I imagined would be the hardest day.

Today was hard. Very hard. But, at the end of the day, I have a beautiful family who proved to me today just how much I mean to them and how willing they are to be there for me.

From the moment I took one step into the door at my parents' house, my mom and Sister hugged me, cried with me, and allowed me to just crumble into their arms.

I then hugged my dad. I could feel him sobbing with me while hugging. I never realized how much my family is affected by this, how badly they want this for us, too.

Ella saw that I was crying and asked if I was okay. Knowing I needed to tell her the truth, I hugged her and looked into her big brown eyes, and had the following conversation with her.

"You know those babies we've been praying for? The babies in Mommy's tummy?"

"Yeah."

"Well, God decided that it's not our time to have those babies. God wants you to be our one and only child right now."

"Why?"

"I don't know why. Only God knows why this happened."

I didn't know if she really understood, but later on, she came up to me and said, "God doesn't want us to have the babies anymore." Seeing she was sad about it, I told her, "Just for right now. In a couple two days we will have the babies." ("Couple two days" is her way of referring to sometime in the future. Cute, huh?).

I have to keep telling myself that, too. In a couple two days, Aaron and I will be blessed with another baby. In a couple two days, God will reveal his beautiful plan for our lives. In a couple two days, all this pain and sadness will be no more and all we will feel is immeasurable joy.

In a couple two days.