Note of Appreciation

I just wanted to tell everyone a big thank you. You have all been following me on this long ride and I appreciate all of your support, words of encouragement, personal experiences, love and prayers.

The past couple days have been hard. Possibly the hardest, emotionally, I've ever had to endure.

And, a part of me was worried to have the "big day" land on Christmas Eve. But, now that it's passed, I think the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Christmas is a time of joy, and despite life circumstances or a failed IVF cycle, one can't help but feel that joy seep in. If the news of our failed IVF landed on an ordinary day, I don't think I would've as easily been able to bounce back from it. And I'm not saying I'm okay. I'm not. I'm still so sad and numb, but Christmas brought me happiness when I didn't think happiness was possible.

I can honestly even say that there were moments (long moments, in fact) where I forgot about how Champ and Embry didn't make it, and just focused on the now.

Focused on Ella's face as she opened each present and then patiently waited for her turn to open the next gift.

Focused on my dad's precise insanity in cleaning up the wrapping paper and bows, while sipping his sixth cup of coffee. :)

Focused on my Sister's glow of happiness and love, and how just having her around lifts my spirits.

Focused on Tim and his patient demeanor at its finest as he spent all afternoon putting together Ella's new dollhouse with Aaron.

Focused on Aaron who, when he didn't have the camera in his face, has the most handsome smile I've ever laid eyes on.

Focused on my mom, who focuses on me in return and reads me like a map. Despite not liking to talk about my "feelings," I like being understood without having to say much. Or anything at all, for that matter.

But, then, eventually, my thoughts would wander back to my empty womb. I think about those two beautiful embryos and how they will soon be out of my body. I will soon be starting the most unwanted period of my life.

Because, in my mind, I'm not supposed to have this period.

In my mind, IVF was going to work and I was going to be celebrating the beautiful gift of pregnancy this Christmas with the ones I love most.

Instead, at times, I felt like the damper in the room. Being the one that laughed the least. The one that sometimes dazed out with glazed eyes, deep in my own thoughts. The one that wanted to go home first. The one that cried.

I did the best I could. And, I'm very proud of the way I got through the past couple days. I thought I would collapse into bottomless depression.

But, you know what, I think I'll get through it.

With my family, with Aaron and Ella, and with my God...all things are possible.

So, thank you to all my blog readers and followers. You helped get me through the roughest couple days my infertility has brought me in the past 2-1/2 years or so. And I look forward in sharing my joys with you in 2011.

Bring it on, 2011! BRING IT ON!!!