We Beat the Odds

We had less of a chance of not getting pregnant, but we beat the odds. We're not pregnant.

I received the call from Dr. Weckstein about 12:30 this afternoon. "I'm so sorry, Bobbi, but I have bad news." The rest of the conversation was an emotional blur. I cried and listened. I got off the phone and just hugged Aaron, sobbing in each other's arms. I hadn't cried that hard since as long as I can remember. Hiccuping and hyperventilating almost to the point of throwing up.

Dr. Weckstein said he's positive 2011 will be our year. Little did he know that this will be the third year I've said that. My 2010 New Year's resolution was to get pregnant. I didn't come close. Not at all.

He went on to say that two of our three frozen embryos are better quality than the two we transferred this cycle. If you remember, this cycle we transferred 3AA and 5B-B- embryos. The ones we have frozen are graded 5AA (as good as it gets), 5BB- and 2AB.

I have an appointment on January 7th for what would've been our babies' first sonogram. We're keeping the appointment, but this time to discuss our failed IVF cycle and to talk about our game plan. He also wants to do a uterine sounding. Say what???

Well, what I failed to disclose about our transfer, is that Dr. Weckstein had a semi-difficult time getting to my uterus. One would think to just go straight up through the cervix and bada boom bada bing, there would be the uterus. With me, he had to go through many attempts. Over this. Under that. It was very strange. Who would've thought there'd be "obstructions."

Anyway, Dr. Weckstein wants to ensure a completely smooth transfer for our frozen embryo transfer (FET), so he's going to basically do a practice run with an empty catheter.

How am I feeling? Sooooooooo down, but Aaron's hand holding and constant glances of similar disappointment and pain, Sister's love pats, my brother-in-law Tim's reminder that they love us, Dad's tear-filled hug and Mom's optimistic hope for the future all helped me get through what I imagined would be the hardest day.

Today was hard. Very hard. But, at the end of the day, I have a beautiful family who proved to me today just how much I mean to them and how willing they are to be there for me.

From the moment I took one step into the door at my parents' house, my mom and Sister hugged me, cried with me, and allowed me to just crumble into their arms.

I then hugged my dad. I could feel him sobbing with me while hugging. I never realized how much my family is affected by this, how badly they want this for us, too.

Ella saw that I was crying and asked if I was okay. Knowing I needed to tell her the truth, I hugged her and looked into her big brown eyes, and had the following conversation with her.

"You know those babies we've been praying for? The babies in Mommy's tummy?"

"Yeah."

"Well, God decided that it's not our time to have those babies. God wants you to be our one and only child right now."

"Why?"

"I don't know why. Only God knows why this happened."

I didn't know if she really understood, but later on, she came up to me and said, "God doesn't want us to have the babies anymore." Seeing she was sad about it, I told her, "Just for right now. In a couple two days we will have the babies." ("Couple two days" is her way of referring to sometime in the future. Cute, huh?).

I have to keep telling myself that, too. In a couple two days, Aaron and I will be blessed with another baby. In a couple two days, God will reveal his beautiful plan for our lives. In a couple two days, all this pain and sadness will be no more and all we will feel is immeasurable joy.

In a couple two days.